My (22F) mom (52F) is visiting my new apartment for the first time. She’s been here for almost three weeks (yippee :|) and today morning at breakfast she asked if I had time for phone calls at work and why I never ask if she had lunch.
I work in a social office so lunch is usually filled with conversations or spent working toward a deadline. I also don’t usually ask about lunch because we end up having the same lunch. I’ll sometimes ask if she liked it when I arrive at home after work, but I don’t go out of my way to text/call about it.
Here’s where I might be TA: I didn’t call or text and ask about her lunch (admittedly, I forgot).
My mom approached and asked why, saying that it was weird that I didn’t think of her during the day and I don’t know how to maintain closeness with others. I said that it was an odd request.
I still think this is a ridiculous request and I honestly don’t want to call rest of the duration of her stay. I find it really annoying that she wants me to call and check in on whether she’s eaten or not. I would be okay if she wanted to just text, but in my opinion calling is just over the top. I also have never called and asked about her lunch before when I was in college or before she visited. To be completely honest, I try to avoid talking to her as much as possible.
Also- not sure about other offices, but mine doesn’t really have cubicles, so any call I had would be heard by everyone including managers unless I stood outside in the hall.
The reason I’m stuck is because I have a biased view of her (as I mentioned before, I try to avoid her as much as possible). I also never had a corporate job before so im not familiar with if this is a normal request.
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My (22F) mom (52F) is visiting my new apartment for the first time. She’s been here for almost three weeks (yippee :|) and today morning at breakfast she asked if I had time for phone calls at work and why I never ask if she had lunch.
I work in a social office so lunch is usually filled with conversations or spent working toward a deadline. I also don’t usually ask about lunch because we end up having the same lunch. I’ll sometimes ask if she liked it when I arrive at home after work, but I don’t go out of my way to text/call about it.
Here’s where I might be TA: I didn’t call or text and ask about her lunch (admittedly, I forgot).
My mom approached and asked why, saying that it was weird that I didn’t think of her during the day and I don’t know how to maintain closeness with others. I said that it was an odd request.
I still think this is a ridiculous request and I honestly don’t want to call rest of the duration of her stay. I find it really annoying that she wants me to call and check in on whether she’s eaten or not. I would be okay if she wanted to just text, but in my opinion calling is just over the top. I also have never called and asked about her lunch before when I was in college or before she visited. To be completely honest, I try to avoid talking to her as much as possible.
Also- not sure about other offices, but mine doesn’t really have cubicles, so any call I had would be heard by everyone including managers unless I stood outside in the hall.
The reason I’m stuck is because I have a biased view of her (as I mentioned before, I try to avoid her as much as possible). I also never had a corporate job before so im not familiar with if this is a normal request.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action(s): not calling my mom after she hinted in the morning and then telling her it is an odd request.
Why I might be TA: I’m not sure if I’m overreacting and this is a normal request. She asked me to call and I didn’t.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s a strange request out of the blue and you don’t have to text your mom during the day if you don’t want to or forgot to.
But how I’d frame it would be this way:
“Hey mom, the other day you were really upset when I didn’t call or text you during my work day. Have you been forgetting to eat and got frustrated with that so much that you took it out on me? Because that’s the concern I have about your pushback is that you’re not doing well and I want to make sure that you are okay because I just want you to know that I love you, but unless you’re in crisis, all of my working hours are focused on work because I’m at the very start of my career. Are you in crisis? How can we get you what you need?”
Her request is unreasonable. You’re at work, and that is going to be at the forefront of your mind all day long. You’ve never called to check on her lunch; why are you supposed to start now? Because she’s visiting? That should have been worked out before her visit: hours of interaction, what she’ll do during the day while you are unavailable.
She’s an adult. If she can’t entertain herself there, perhaps she should head home? And wait until you have some vacation time that you are willing to dedicate to entertaining her 24/7.
For you: If you need to make a private call, aren’t there breakout rooms, or some such?
For you: three weeks is far too long a visit. Whose idea was that?
NTA but good luck navigating this minefield.
NTA. Her comments are ridiculous. I would never expect this from my daughters. We’ll text during our workdays but I never expect an immediate response if I text first. They’re at work ffs! They could be in meetings or something.
Does your mom have these expectations from others in her life too? If it’s only you, she needs to stop treating you like a child and respect the adult you are now.
It might be a good time to establish some boundaries with her.
Btw, I’d NEVER ask my daughters to host me for 3 weeks (barring an unexpected emergency)😱
NTA, three weeks is a crazy long visit, and she expects more of your time?
NTA. Your mom sounds exhausting. Perhaps, it’s time she heads home?
“Mom, I really enjoyed our time together. Let’s plan another visit when I have some more time.”
NTA. Is an odd request. I go to work, and I don’t even talk to my husband until we get home, unless there is an emergency! I certainly wouldn’t be calling a grown-up houseguest to check they’ve eaten, even if it was my mum.
NTA. “Mom, I’m sorry that you are bored here alone but I am at work and focusing on said work and don’t have the time to call you to simply see what you had for lunch or to alleviate you boredom from not having someone with you 24/7. Perhaps it would be best if you head home and we can arrange a visit when I’m able to get time off to be able to focus fully on the visit.”
“I think we need to reset expectations: I am not available during the workday. The fact that you are visiting doesn’t suddenly make me more available, and, in fact, it’s really weird that you are expecting a check-in when you already had a chance to talk to me before or after work. If you are feeling lonely during the day, that sounds like a sign that you are missing your routine from home and it is probably time to end the visit.”
NTA. It’s odd that she asked you to call her in the middle of the day, especially if this wasn’t a pre-existing routine. I will say, if you agreed to call her during your lunch and you forgot, you should apologize for your forgetfulness. But that doesn’t mean you can or should agree to do it going forward (potential phrasing: “I’m sorry I forgot to call you… I’m not sure how I failed to realize that it is impractical to call you in the middle of the day, but I’m sorry that I agreed to do something I should have realized I wouldn’t be able to do).
But ultimately, it sounds like this is a side issue. Your real issue with her is the lengthy visit itself, and it sounds like you need to start setting boundaries there. (And if you inadvertently gave her an open invitation stay as long as she would like, you need to be honest about your need to backtrack)
It’s not normal hun. I’m 53 years old, I have a 25-year-old son. I would never ask him to call me on lunch. He needs to do what he has to do everyday to get by. The thought that she wants to add to your to-do list for the day to me is a little much. Especially if you’re not much of a phone call person and you’re text person. Also if you don’t have cubes, I wouldn’t want everybody listening to my call to my mom during lunch either.
Mom needs to learn how to settle for a text.
Nta this is not a normal request for an able bodied adult. Why do you need to ask if she’s eaten? Is she incapable of remembering if she’s has? That’s weird and she sounds super unhealthy and emotionally manipulative.
Your mom doesn’t understand the concept of being at work.
NTA.
NTA. I don’t understand. Why does she need you to call her and ask about her lunch? Does she need you to feed her as well? Is she having some kind of midlife crisis? No. Do not call her during your lunch hour, and you should tell her that you are at work, not hanging around doing nothing all day. If she is bored, then her going back to her own home is always an option.
You need to just tell her you can not call her at lunch you are at work, may also want to mention the she is a grown up and you have full confidence that she can take care of herself for a few hours. NTA her request is in my opion weird and unreasonable.
NTA. She’s being absurd.
NTA, why does she need you to call her in the middle of the day? That’s unreasonable.
Why on earth would you be checking in on what your full grown mother eats?
I’m so confused. Why does she want you to baby her?
Nta. Your mum has attachment issues or something.
Sounds like your mom has some weird codependency issues. Time to send her packing.
Seriously.
Your mum came to stay knowing you’d be at work.
Yet she wants to you call and check that her lunch was okay?
NTA — Tell her that when you are at work you don’t have time for personal calls. She is being clingy and manipulative.
I hope she isn’t staying much longer. Three weeks is already a long visit,
NTA. Is your mom that needy she expects you to call her at lunch while you’re at work? Does she know that you sometimes work through your lunch or don’t really have time or privacy to call her? Has she ever even had a job outside of her home???? You need to explain to her what you do at the office and why you don’t always have the time for personal calls.
Also, does she realize that fish and guests start to smell after three days? She is your mom, and I’m sure you love her, but maybe it’s time for her to go home. Three weeks sometimes feels like three months…
She’s a big girl. Why does she need a check in? Does she need it to feel validated or something? It’s weird. NTA. You’re working. If she really needs a call to make sure she eats then she needs a caregiver.
You can’t be expected to call home when you’re on lunch.
She’s an adult why do you need to do a daily check on whether she has had lunch or not ?
Why is you mum visiting for so long ?
If you want, you can step out of the office to make a call.
Downstairs?
Stair well?
Loo?
I’m 60, my daughter is 35 and I would never expect her to use her meal time to call and ask if I had lunch. I’m not a child and as such I don’t need someone calling me to make sure that I’ve eaten. That might change in another 10-15 years when the cheese starts to slide off my crackers but until then I’m good.
Geez, I get why you avoid her.
Why is she there that long? Thats a long visit. Also that would be weird if my MIL demanded that of my husband. He doesn’t have time to call me, let alone his mom when she visits. Your mom lonesome and bored? Checking in on my MIL to check if she ate. She is a grownup. Geez. No you are NTA but three weeks is too long.
NTA You’re at work. Lunch is for eating not making non-emergency calls to people. And on a side note, it looks like now is a good time for mom to leave.
Oh man, I feel you on the ‘this is why you don’t know how to maintain closeness with others’ dig. My mom says stuff like that. She’ll stomp on my boundaries, and when she doesn’t get her way, she’ll extrapolate some ‘character flaw’ from my behavior and then say that character flaw is the reason I’m struggling in some area that I’m more sensitive about. It’s super effective in breaking me down =(
And in case you can’t tell, I think huge NTA. She’s lonely at your house and thinking about you, so she’s hurt you’re not thinking about her too. While I understand her, the solution should be that she needs to go home, or if that’s not an option, she needs to pick up some hobbies or start planning her own outings while she’s visiting you. It’s unreasonable for you to take time from your workday (even lunchtime) to call and check on your mom.
“I try to avoid her as much as possible” – OP who’s 3 weeks into hosting her mother.
I’m pretty sure you just need to learn how to tell your mother “no”.
NTA, your mother is an adult! She is more than old enough to understand that you are not to be disturbed at work, and she is also old enough to feed herself lunch and not be praised for it as if she is four years old and did something clever. Is there a reason she is feeling so insecure at the moment, three weeks is a long time to be away from your home, so maybe she is just a little bit nervous about things in general.