My wife and I made plans back in January with a group of friends to go to a beer festival in the mountains. My father in law has a rental property in the mountains which we reserved for the weekend and we all got tickets to the festival. It’s 3 families and some other friends so about 9 people total.
The festival is Labor Day weekend, and my grandparents invited us and some other family to a barbecue that weekend, but we won’t be able to attend because we’re doing the beer festival. I texted my grandpa and let him know we wouldn’t be able to make it because we already had plans that weekend, and he said he understood and that it was no problem.
But then my mom texted me asking why we couldn’t come. And I told her why. She told me she’s very disappointed, and that I need to make this barbecue a priority and that I should cancel the plans to go to the beer festival. She then goes on to guilt trip me saying my grandparents are in their 80s and we won’t have many more opportunities to get together. (For context we live in the same state/city as my grandparents and we see them 2-3 times a month minimum.) She told me a beer festival is not a good reason to “blow off” my grandparents and that I need to reconsider my priorities.
I told her I couldn’t cancel, the house is booked and the tickets are paid for. And I told her that if it was just our family and no friends going that we’d forego the festival and come to the barbecue but that I didn’t think it was fair to our friends to cancel long standing plans for a barbecue that we just found out about, not to mention telling them that they’d either have to eat the cost of the tickets, or find a different place to rent.
I told my mom that if it was any other weekend, or even Monday of the long weekend instead of Saturday that we’d be there and we aren’t blowing them off, it’s a scheduling conflict but she disagrees and is still very pissed off at me. Am I the asshole?
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My wife and I made plans back in January with a group of friends to go to a beer festival in the mountains. My father in law has a rental property in the mountains which we reserved for the weekend and we all got tickets to the festival. It’s 3 families and some other friends so about 9 people total.
The festival is Labor Day weekend, and my grandparents invited us and some other family to a barbecue that weekend, but we won’t be able to attend because we’re doing the beer festival. I texted my grandpa and let him know we wouldn’t be able to make it because we already had plans that weekend, and he said he understood and that it was no problem.
But then my mom texted me asking why we couldn’t come. And I told her why. She told me she’s very disappointed, and that I need to make this barbecue a priority and that I should cancel the plans to go to the beer festival. She then goes on to guilt trip me saying my grandparents are in their 80s and we won’t have many more opportunities to get together. (For context we live in the same state/city as my grandparents and we see them 2-3 times a month minimum.) She told me a beer festival is not a good reason to “blow off” my grandparents and that I need to reconsider my priorities.
I told her I couldn’t cancel, the house is booked and the tickets are paid for. And I told her that if it was just our family and no friends going that we’d forego the festival and come to the barbecue but that I didn’t think it was fair to our friends to cancel long standing plans for a barbecue that we just found out about, not to mention telling them that they’d either have to eat the cost of the tickets, or find a different place to rent.
I told my mom that if it was any other weekend, or even Monday of the long weekend instead of Saturday that we’d be there and we aren’t blowing them off, it’s a scheduling conflict but she disagrees and is still very pissed off at me. Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My mom thinks I’m an asshole for not canceling long standing plans to make it to this bbq. I feel like I’m not the asshole for not wanting to cancel my long standing plans. I wouldn’t normally choose a beer festival over family bbqs but in this case the beer festival had been booked for months and I only just found out about the bbq 2 days ago.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA.
Valid reasons to keep your commitment. Tell your mum she didn’t raise you to have flakey word.
NTA, and your mother needs to lay off the guilt trips
NTA. Let your mom be pissed. You did the right thing and there’s no contest.
NTA but seriously dude…. you are going on a trip with three families and yet you told your mom that you are going to a “beer fest”. Way to downplay it. How did you not expect that to piss her off?
You know your NTA – mom is being unreasonable and manipulative. Stick to your guns. She’ll get over it.
NTA – you see them often and had these plans already. Out of curiosity – has your mom ever had intense reactions to minor things like this in the past? Is it possible that there’s something else taking place, like a big family announcement or event? Or maybe she’s having some strong feelings about her parents aging? I know I’ve been seeing a subtle decline in my parents and it’s hitting me harder than I’d have anticipated. Not suggesting you change plans, but just in case compassion is needed…
NTA – Please also remind your mother that you are an adult.
NTA, you’re grown adults you can do what you want.
NTA mom wants a bigger piece of the estate.
NTa
don’t allow your Ah mom to guilt you.
NTA. Some of our summer camping/out of town plans are booked out 8 months to two years in advance, and they take priority to pretty much all but a family emergency. Such is life.
NTA. Tell her she raised you right, to be a reliable and trustworthy guy, someone who doesn’t cancel on people or ruin their plans.
If she argues, she shoots herself in the foot.
NTA. Plans were made, you’re adults, do what you want
Nta Your mum can be upset, that’s ok. You’re an adult living your life and it’s not as though you don’t catch up with your grandparents. They will recognize they will need to plan further ahead if they want to arrange a family gathering of adults. Because we all lead different lives and make our own plans and commitments.
NTA. Tell your mom if your presence was so important they would have booked you earlier and checked which dates worked for you.
NTA
You are entirely right in your explanation.
My guess is your mom has been doing stuff like this your entire life, this is just the latest instance.
This is especially wild because your grandpa was like “cool no prob” Tell her to restrain her guilt to herself because when she acts like this it puts stress on your relationship.
NTA – I could see her point if they lived far away and you had to fly to see them and only did once a year at most. But they live in your town! You can see them the next week!
NTA. Your mother is being patently absurd. You had existing plans—not just ordinary plans, but those for which you bought tickets and reserved a house.
Could be way off base, but got a feeling reading this that it’s is much more about her (incorrect) perception you’re somehow prioritizing your in-laws over your own family (e.g., some iteration of “you’d rather go stay at your fancy in-laws’ place than spend time with our side.”)
NTA. Your mom is being rude and demanding you be rude in turn.
A grown-ass adult that sees their grandparents 2-3 times a month is already seeing them more than most people. She’s being unreasonable.