I (31F) honestly feel like I’m being treated unfairly by my own family, and I’m starting to question if I did something wrong. My younger sister Hanna (28F) is pregnant with her first baby. I’m happy for her, really, and I’ve been checking in on her regularly, offering to help however I can, even though we live in different states. We don’t talk every single day, but I’ve always tried to be a supportive sister. Months ago, my boyfriend and I planned a week-long vacation — something we saved up for and were looking forward to. We booked everything in advance: flights, hotel, tours, etc. Everything is non-refundable, and we planned it around both our work schedules, which isn’t easy to do. A few weeks ago, Hanna let me know her baby shower would be happening during that exact week. I felt bad immediately but told her kindly that I wouldn’t be able to come, explained the situation, and offered to send a thoughtful gift and even join through FaceTime during the shower. She said it was okay and that she understood. But now I’m suddenly getting guilt-tripped by other relatives. Our cousin Veronica messaged me saying I’m “letting the family down,” and that I’m choosing a vacation over being there for my niece. My mom called me and said Hanna cried after our conversation and that I should “reconsider my priorities.” I honestly don’t think that’s fair. It’s not like I knew the baby shower would be that week when we booked the trip. I didn’t cancel last minute, I didn’t make a scene, I just said I couldn’t come and tried to make it up in other ways. I even asked if Hanna would be open to a private lunch or celebration when I visit later in the summer, and she said yes, but now I feel like the whole family has turned it into a drama. It’s starting to feel like no matter how supportive I try to be, it’s never enough. And I don’t know why I’m the one being made to feel guilty for something I had no control over.
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I (31F) honestly feel like I’m being treated unfairly by my own family, and I’m starting to question if I did something wrong. My younger sister Hanna (28F) is pregnant with her first baby. I’m happy for her, really, and I’ve been checking in on her regularly, offering to help however I can, even though we live in different states. We don’t talk every single day, but I’ve always tried to be a supportive sister. Months ago, my boyfriend and I planned a week-long vacation — something we saved up for and were looking forward to. We booked everything in advance: flights, hotel, tours, etc. Everything is non-refundable, and we planned it around both our work schedules, which isn’t easy to do. A few weeks ago, Hanna let me know her baby shower would be happening during that exact week. I felt bad immediately but told her kindly that I wouldn’t be able to come, explained the situation, and offered to send a thoughtful gift and even join through FaceTime during the shower. She said it was okay and that she understood. But now I’m suddenly getting guilt-tripped by other relatives. Our cousin Veronica messaged me saying I’m “letting the family down,” and that I’m choosing a vacation over being there for my niece. My mom called me and said Hanna cried after our conversation and that I should “reconsider my priorities.” I honestly don’t think that’s fair. It’s not like I knew the baby shower would be that week when we booked the trip. I didn’t cancel last minute, I didn’t make a scene, I just said I couldn’t come and tried to make it up in other ways. I even asked if Hanna would be open to a private lunch or celebration when I visit later in the summer, and she said yes, but now I feel like the whole family has turned it into a drama. It’s starting to feel like no matter how supportive I try to be, it’s never enough. And I don’t know why I’m the one being made to feel guilty for something I had no control over.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I chose not to cancel my vacation even after my sister told me her baby shower would be during that same week. I might be the asshole because my decision upset her, and now other family members are saying I’m being selfish and unsupportive for not changing my plans to be there. I’m wondering if I should have made the sacrifice anyway, even if it was inconvenient and costly for me.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – (I assume) your sister / mother knew when you were going on vacation and how long it took you and your partner to save and book it. If anything is unfair in this situation, it’s their inability to plan the shower on any other week.
Question: did she know about your vacation before planning this? Like any clue at all?
NTA, don’t feel badly. It’s a lot to ask or expect you to change previous plans that can’t be refunded. Just be shameless about saying no. If they bring it up again, nonchalantly say, ‘yes it’s too bad the shower was scheduled after our planned vacation.’
NTA… sorry sis, you knew, and the reservation is paid and non-refundable…
NTA. They can move the shower much easier than you can move a vacation
Look at all these people who want you to be mad ASF at a baby shower.
I never understood the big deal about baby showers and how people are expected to drop everything to attend.
Doesn’t matter if your sister knew about your trip or not. The shower was a last minute thing and it’s unfair to expect you to cancel your plans to attend. Sure she can miss you at the party but if she didn’t consider your already planned trip (if she knew about it) then you should also not feel bad about not attending
NTA but for my sister’s first baby, I would probably postpone my vacation. I mean hell, I would be on the planning committee lol. I won’t pretend to understand your relationship with your sister, but having a baby is a really really big deal. Nonetheless, you’re not obligated to do anything you don’t want to do. I understand how hard it can be to coordinate schedules to be able to plan a vacation.
NTA Your sister’s understanding is all that matters. When the baby comes, be the best aunt possible and show all the love in the world to your sister and her baby. Haters will always find a reason to hate. Take your sister out for a spa day prior to her birth so you can sprinkle her with lots of love before she has the baby, if it’s feasible.
NTA – It’s a baby shower. It isn’t that serious.
NTA.
You have offered alternatives and your sister was OK with that.
Its other meddlers who aren’t.
She’s pregnant. She’s hormonal. She cried perhaps because she was disappointed.
That doesnt mean she also isn’t OK with doing something with you another time.
NTA. Getting guilt-tripped into family events that no one actually enjoys? Big red flag. Babies don’t remember who showed up to the shower, and honestly, it sounds like you could use a break from the drama. Enjoy your trip!
NTA I doubt your sister cried and your mom is just being dramatic. Tell your cousin to stay in her lane and that your sister is fine with it.
Go and enjoy your vacy
NTA and enjoy your vacation.
NTA. Your family members are being ridiculous. A baby shower isn’t a big deal, it’s not a wedding. It’s just a little party you throw as an excuse to ask all your friends and family to buy you baby gear. Speaking as a currently pregnant woman, I would never dream of asking my sister to cancel a long planned and booked vacation because I decided to schedule my baby shower the same week. If it was so important to her for you to be there, your sister could have scheduled her shower at a different time. Sending her a gift, joining via FaceTime, and meeting up with her later in the summer are totally an acceptable substitute.
It’s a baby shower…not a ceremony to summon the second coming. Your family is being ridiculous. NTA
I’d give your sister’s crying a pass because pregnancy hormones can be crazy. However it’s equally crazy to cancel all of your prepaid vacation plans because of a baby shower.
A baby shower is not as big an event as a wedding nor as important as visiting and helping out a sibling after they’ve had a baby. Don’t let anyone guilt you for enjoying a long awaited trip. NTA
Goodness, if people you know are getting this upset over a baby shower, what would they be like if something really serious happened? LOL NTA Enjoy your vacation and shut down any further discussion about this with critics.
Maybe they can all refund you for vacation.
NTA
Fake. The minute I saw “letting the family down” I knew it was fake. Dead giveaway.