My husband and I have a big trip planned for 5 weeks from now. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime type of vacation,15 days on the other side of the world, over 27 hours of flights each way. We’ve been planning and saving for it for over 6 months. Both of us work very stressful jobs and very rarely get the chance to take any time off like this.(never did on the last 12years)
My MIL (70) has several health problems. She recently scheduled a complicated surgery for exactly the same time we’ll be away. (She knew we were away) We were not consulted about the timing. There’s almost no other family around, and the few relatives who live about 40 minutes away either don’t drive, have jobs, or simply can’t/won’t help her during recovery.
We don’t have the option to reschedule our trip without losing a significant amount of money, and honestly, we suspect she chose these dates partly for attention or to create conflict, there were other possible dates.
Now there’s pressure on us to cancel and be there for her, but we feel that after all the time, money, and energy we put into this trip, and how rarely we get breaks, it’s unfair to expect us to change our plans.
AITA for deciding to still go on our trip?
Comments
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My husband and I have a big trip planned for 5 weeks from now. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime type of vacation,15 days on the other side of the world, over 27 hours of flights each way. We’ve been planning and saving for it for over 6 months. Both of us work very stressful jobs and very rarely get the chance to take any time off like this.(never did on the last 12years)
My MIL (70) has several health problems. She recently scheduled a complicated surgery for exactly the same time we’ll be away. (She knew we were away) We were not consulted about the timing. There’s almost no other family around, and the few relatives who live about 40 minutes away either don’t drive, have jobs, or simply can’t/won’t help her during recovery.
We don’t have the option to reschedule our trip without losing a significant amount of money, and honestly, we suspect she chose these dates partly for attention or to create conflict, there were other possible dates.
Now there’s pressure on us to cancel and be there for her, but we feel that after all the time, money, and energy we put into this trip, and how rarely we get breaks, it’s unfair to expect us to change our plans.
AITA for deciding to still go on our trip?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> aita because i decided to keep traveling along with my husband. because we might be judged as assholes for not staying to help her surgery. But she could care and schedule for another time. 1 week later would be fine.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, she knew when you were going away, she chose to schedule, so she deals with the fallout. Go and enjoy your trip!
I get the family pressure, but no. You’re not wrong for going. You planned ahead, gave notice, and she chose those dates anyway. That’s not your emergency to fix
NTA. Call her bluff.
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NTA it almost sounds deliberate.
“You scheduled surgery for when we are away. If you are going to need our help then you will need to reschedule. Or make other arrangements.”
27hrs of flights ain’t exactly reschedulable. You’d be out major cash for no reason. NTA
Is this a common pattern of behavior from her?
NTA definitely go on that trip and have so much fun but if you wan to keep the peace a little you can maybe share resources with her such as a shuttle to and from the hospital and options for care at home while she recovers. But definitely go live ur best life and have the best time after the planning and saving u deserve it!
NTA. She knew you were going to be away and scheduled at that time. I assume she had choice in the date and not an emergency situation. Her problem. Not yours.
NTA
It’s not her responsibility to keep track of your schedules, but it is on her to check in with you if she expects/wants help with post-op care. If it’s not a system where it’s “you get scheduled wherever the surgeon is available” but can choose an appropriate date that works for all parties, then that’s on her. She also shouldn’t expect you to reschedule your lives for her – this clearly sounds like a once-in-your-life travel, and unless if there is a super high probability where her surgery could 1) end her life, ie low success rate or 2) they need your husband to make a medical decision for her if she’s not responsive, then I say go live your life. Where is FIL in this? He’s not able to help?
INFO: I feel like she did this on purpose.
Let her check with her doctors and social workers to have a plan for her to be taken care of during and after her surgery, such as going to a rehab center or arranging home health care and meal deliveries.
Let her know that you will be more than happy to reschedule the trip if she covers the cost for doing so since she decided to have surgery during that time knowing you wouldn’t be available.
NTA
don’t reshedule. She knowingly sheduled her surgery for a time you were a away. Now sahe has to handle you being away. Not your drama.
“Now there’s pressure on us to cancel and be there for her” .. make this a hard no.
Nta. She can go to a rehab facility or have home health visits. I’d pretend she deliberately scheduled when you weren’t going to be there to save you from the headache of her care, and the worry, and isn’t that so sweet, just like her to do.
NTA. You booked your trip first. She knew about the dates. If you are her only option for post-surgical care, she can reschedule her surgery. Five weeks is sufficient time for her to arrange for other family members to come stay with her during the surgery. It’s unreasonable to ask you to change your vacation dates.
NTA: she had other options but specifically chose the dates of your trip. Let her know that that alone made you assume you were not needed to help with recovery. She had it all under control because clearly if she wanted your help she’d have asked and actively planned with you around. If she really needs you two specifically, ask her to reschedule her surgery to after you’re back and can be present to help. Otherwise list all the other people who she can rely on if she really doesn’t want to reschedule.
Updateme
If you’re certain that the surgery could be scheduled for another time, then obviously y’all are NTA.
NTA. She chose to schedule then.
That was HER choice.
NTA. Have your husband talk to his mother and ask her to reschedule since it’s not an emergency. Explain to her what you’ll be losing if you cancel your trip. If she won’t budge, have a great trip. She put herself in the situation where she’ll have nobody to help her. It will be her problem to solve.
Do you have ANY extra money? Does your MIL? If so you can literally hire a care taker. You can go on care.com or other sites and find someone who has experience and will be there. You interview them etc. Can you pay for ubers for the relatives who “don’t drive” assuming they are otherwise physically capable? Can the MIL reschedule the surgery?
Either way you are NTA.
Info: Is this a typical pattern for her? Is she all about entitlement or that everything must be about her (possible narcissist)? Does she have a habit of ruining other people’s special moments like weddings and graduations?
NTA. She did this on purpose because you have time off. Call her bluff and say you’re still going. Jesus. I hate this kind of thing.
Since time is short, help her arrange for home health care once she is scheduled to return home after surgery. Give her a list of phone numbers to call (local only) for help while you are gone.
If you don’t have international service on your cell phones, don’t get it. Buy a throwaway at the airport when you land, and text the number to a close family/friend who can then contact you if truly needed.
Enjoy your well earned vacation.
NTA
NTA. But I’m very unsympathetic to people expecting assistance from me without okaying it with me first. Other commenters might be nicer souls.
Can your MIL pay for in-home caregivers? Notice I didn’t say, does she want to pay. If so, she can shell out the money, the same as if you weren’t living nearby to rely on.
Otherwise, tell her to reschedule her surgery. Which is quite possible since she had been given a few choices. She can tell them she couldn’t get post-surgery assistance on the original date so it no longer works for her.
Enjoy your vacation!
Edit for spelling
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NTA
I hate being manipulated and I have developed a think skin. If I thought this was deliberately booked to interfere with my holiday I would be even more determined to go. And I’d only check my phone once a day
NTA. If you are in the US, Medicare will cover a rehab hospital, and if that is not available, an assisted living (some have space specifically for rehab). If her needs are not as severe, they will send home healthcare people to her house once or twice a day. She has a access to the care that she needs to recover. Go on the trip and have a great time.
NTA. Do nit under any circumstances cancel your trip. She can taxi to and from anything. It was a deliberate act booking her surgery knowing you would be travelling. Do nit be manipulated by her or others. Anyone else sticking their noses in with unwanted opinions are free to look after her. Go on your trip guilt free.
NTA. She can pay for private caregivers to come and sit with her in the hospital, keep you updated, and help her transition home. Her choices have consequences, and it not involve you having to cancel your vacation.
NTA. She chose her surgery that day. Thats on her, not you. Go enjoy yourself and if you have to, put your phone on DND.
Tell her it would be better if she can reschedule the surgery. If it was my mom, I would want to be there for her. But at the same time, a once-in-a-lifetime trip isn’t going to come along again. You can call her from vacation and ask how she is.
Tell MIL you are going to be out of the country and she needs to look into caregiving options through the hospital rehab dept. and social workers.
MIL can easily reschedule an elective surgery and I’m sure that’s exactly what she will do when she realizes you are not canceling your trip.
Have a wonderful vacation!
You’re gone for 15 days. She has 350 other days of the year to choose. This was clearly intentional and you’d be nuts to cancel.
Nope. It’s not an emergency/urgent surgery. She knew about the dates when scheduling it. “I’m so sorry we won’t be able to be there for the recovery until a few days after our trip.” is the end of the discussion.
Also, make sure she doesn’t expect you to go straight to her place from the airport. You’re going to be jetlagged and need a couple of days to get back on track.
NTA.
What was her response when you asked why she scheduled the surgery during your planned vacation?
NTA You can’t be held responsible for your MiL booking a surgery when she knew you had a vacation already planned.
This is on your MiL and reads like some weird power trip. Go on your vacation and enjoy it.
The only way this isn’t an asshole move by your MIL is if the surgery is time-sensitive and this was the soonest she could get in. If she had multiple options and chose this one on purpose, she’s the one who sucks.
NTA. Go on your trip and let her reschedule, since it won’t cost her anything.
NTA. Make her choose another date if she wants your support. The fact she had other choices, but chose to try and sabatoge your vacation is an AH move. Don’t be pressured into canceling or this will happen every single time you make plans!!!
The surgery is five weeks away. She can reschedule, and you guys should certainly encourage her to do so.
NTA. Just maybe try to see what in home health care might be available. But if she’s scheduling her surgery for five weeks from now then it’s clearly not emergency
NTA do not cancel your trip. Anyone who has an opinion about it just volunteered to help her while you’re gone
Nta. At her age and her need likely for constant care, she’s probably best suited for short stay rehab in a nursing care home so she can get the appropriate care she needs.
She can hire a nurse. There’s literally an entire profession to deal with post surgery care
Are you the surgeon? The assistant surgeon? No? Enjoy your trip.
NTA.
Nope. You scheduled first. She can reschedule her procedure w/no financial penalty. You can’t.
NTA.
MIL is a manipulative, narcissistic b*tch. She deliberately, without asking for your input or approval, SPECIFICALLY scheduled this procedure exactly when she KNEW when you would be away. It does not sound like urgent, life-threatening surgery, just possibly an involved procedure with anticipated long/difficult recovery times.
There is ZERO reason her doctor’s office could not schedule the surgery for a LATER date. None whatsoever – easy peasy with a single phone call to the front office. The doc does not even need to be involved, nor do they care.
Tell MIL you will NOT be rescheduling anything and it is up to HER to arrange any assistance or logistics during and after the procedure.
And, enjoy your trip!
NAH
Are you sure she scheduled it for that date ? In my country we get a date and if we cancel it gets pushed back months sometimes.
Or maybe she forgot the dates.
Can you arrange or hire someone to take care of her while you are away ?
NTA. As she scheduled her op for a time when no family are available to support her, she will have to speak to the hospital and care services to find out what alternative care services she may be able to access.
She may have to pay to stay in a recovery care home, if sufficient at home care services are not available.
NTA. Who is pressuring you? MIL or others? I’m hoping (with zero hope that it’s true) that she scheduled it when you’re away because she thought she would be getting medical care from the hospital and rehab the entire time you were away. I know. Long shot.
If she’s pressuring you, then tell her to reschedule. If others are pressuring you, thank them for volunteering to take shifts helping her.
Enjoy your trip.
NTA. If she knew when you would be away and scheduled the surgery anyway that’s on her. She should know this means you are unavailable and can’t help. If she did it to try and get you to cancel then that’s on her, and she lost the gamble.
I need surgery and one of the key things I did before booking a date was discuss it with my mother and MIL. Because of their existing commitments I’ve purposefully agreed a date later this year so that they ate available to come help my husband with me, our son and our dog, during my recovery.
NTA – Tell her you will be on the other side of the world at that time. If she thinks she needs you closer, she will need to change her surgery date or do without you. This is a power move on her part, or she is just inconsiderate and clueless.
Stop complaining. Take your trip but understand that your MIL probably couldn’t pick and choose her date of surgery.
NTA. She assumed you would drop everything, and didn’t ask you if you were free. If anyone should reschedule it’s her.
NTA.
‘Oh no, that’s exactly when we are away. What a shame we won’t be here to help.’
Any comments about it, then say something like the trip can’t be moved, so if you need us then you will have to move the surgery for when we get back.
NTA. Your husband should speak to her about rescheduling or arranging care in a post-surgery rehab center
NTA.
My MIL would 100% pull this kind of shit – she absolutely cannot stand it when she perceives someone or something else is the center of attention. Your MIL sounds the same.
NTA and you guys go on that trip. Let her no you will not be rescheduling your trip so she has 2 options either reschedule her surgery for a different time or she does the surgery and recovery all on her own since you guys won’t be around.
Tell the family that “cares so much”, to set up a go fund me and if it collects enough to cover the lost deposit money you will reschedule. Otherwise, they can help what they can.
NTA but did she actually choose the date or is that what was given to her? I know sometimes patients have to take what they can get
NTA. Do not cancel this trip. She is an adult and can either find someone else to help her or reschedule her surgery. These are her options, other than that it’s not your business or problem. 🤷♀️
I’d go, because she has obviously decided to ruin your trip one way or the other, and at least that way you have pretty scenery. Besides, what’s the point of staying, neither of you are health workers, and they’re the necessary ones in this scenario.
Nta,
Some people need to learn from their choices. Your husband needs to tell her he will be gone & she should reschedule or look for others to support her during recovery. Don’t feel guilty or obligation towards someone who willing is causing their own problems. Have a wonderful experience & don’t you dare worry about Mil at home being herself.
NTA. She knew about your plans and decided to schedule it anyway, it’s on her.
Ask the people who are pressuring you to pay you back what you will lose and see how they react then.
NTA, she will just have to reschedule.
All the pressure is from the relatives who “don’t drive, have jobs, or simply can’t/won’t help her during recovery,” right? Since they are not helping anyway, they get no vote. Perhaps she should arrange a discharge into a recovery room in a nursing home/ rehab facility.
NTA
If she could arrange the surgery, she can arrange alternative help. And don’t let her keep you on the phone all day during your holiday. She did this on purpose and she needs to learn manipulation and sabotage will not be rewarded.
NTA-enjoy your trip.
It depends on what kind of surgery it is and if it really couldn’t be scheduled any other time. That being said, you saved for 6 months for this trip and would lose money if you rescheduled. NTA, based on current post.
NTA unless you cancel your trip! You go on that vacation and you have an amazing time! She made a decision and she make another decision to reschedule.
NTA good lord go!
NTA. Besides if you don’t go on the trip, MIL won’t get to play mistreated victim and talk about ungrateful, selfish relatives who don’t care a hoot about their obligation to take care of family. You don’t want to spoil her pity party, do you?
That’s a power play in her part, don’t give in.
Def a weird power trip on her part. They have services to help people recover after surgery who need help. I’d suggest to her that she either schedule those or reschedule her surgery.
NTA.
She sounds like the type who will reschedule the surgery just after you reschedule your vacation to the samecdates again. Shecwants control.
Enjoy your trip.
10:1 if you canceled your trip, she’d ‘have’ to reschedule her surgery until after you would have been home anyways.
If the surgery was scheduled that far out, then pushing it 2 more weeks won’t make a difference for her
Tell her they have short care rehabilitation homes for cases just like this.
MIL can reschedule her surgery if she needs you. This happens frequently with surgeries. So she just wants to inconvenience those folks who can help.
NTA. Truthfully if she is already living with health issues, and has a complex surgery, she would likely benefit from a rehab stint post surgery anyway.
Especially if there aren’t caregivers.
Even if at home services are already arranged through a visiting nurses agency.
Consider having your husband suggest it to his mom.
Do you have travel insurance? If so, will it cover this?
YTA. You MIL with health issues requires surgery. How much control do you think she has over the date? this isn’t like booking a spa day. I have had to have elective surgery a couple of times and I wasn’t give a calendar to book off, I was told that it was on X date at X time. You take what date they say or you wait another 6 or 12 or 18 months.
This is a case of her trying to be chosen. They do this to test their importantance to you and whether they are a priority. She absolutely did it on purpose. Go on your trip and she can hire some in home care.
enjoy your vacation
Your MIL may not have had a say in the scheduling of her surgery. My experience with both of my parents and my own medical appointments/surgeries is that the patient is told when and where the appointment or surgery is scheduled. It’s possible her surgery was scheduled without her input and to refuse the date could mean waiting months to reschedule. I had to completely rearrange my life to accommodate my parents’ needs. Neither was able to handle a doctor’s appointment on their own let alone a surgery. But I was the child who lived nearby so I did it. It was as a rough few years. That being said, when your MIL heard the date of her surgery she SHOULD have spoken up and explained her family would be gone and ask if it could happen two weeks later or whenever you returned. It never hurts to at least try.
Go on your vacation and have a WONDERFUL time. It may be that this was the best time available for the surgery, but even if that’s true it’s still not your problem. Enjoy! Have some of those drinks with fruit on little sticks.
She can speak with the hospital social worker to figure out how to get to and from the hospital. It can be as simple as just calling a taxi. The hospital can work with her for post surgical care. If she has insurance it’s likely she can get in-home care if it’s medically necessary. Of if they won’t pay for it, she can hire a nurse from a home health agency herself to check on her once a day or so–whatever her doctor recommends.
Some surgeries require that the patient have care lined up at home. If that’s the case here, DO NOT CANCEL YOUR VACATION. She can re-schedule her surgery to a time all of you agree to. NO GUILT! She knew your schedule. It’s on her to figure out her care knowing you won’t be there.
NTA
I can’t imagine her scheduling her surgery at the same time as your trip was anything BUT deliberate. Has she made a pattern of demanding your attention?
Of course she doesn’t have to plan her life around yours but if she’s expecting your support to recover then it’s unacceptable to assume you’ll drop everything for something that can be rescheduled. NTA.