(Changed small details for anonymity)
I (18F) have a mom who has untreated BPD. My mom has been having a lot of financial struggles when it comes to our house. She doesn’t manage money well and constantly is in debt, even when a relative had already lent her 40k+. Recently we had a meeting where she pointed out that my three older siblings (20s) and I both don’t care if she struggles or not. She talked about a time when she said the lights would go out if she didn’t pay them by a certain time, and none of us offered to help or figure out what to do. We ignored her in the gc when she told us, basically. My siblings pay money to her every month, are actively trying to save up to leave + care for our cats which are hers legally but she doesn’t care/pay for them. I didn’t have a job then, so I couldn’t help out and honestly, I didn’t want to.
I want to put it shortly because if I explained everything she’s done, it would get too long: My mom is not a good mom or person. Growing up, my older siblings had it way worse than me. After hearing their experiences, and dealing with how she treated/treats me, I have stopped respecting her. She makes it very hard to want to do nice things for her. I feel awful because a daughter shouldn’t feel this way about a parent but the way she has been treating me, as well as my siblings, has made me resent her and hold grudges. Everytime she talks to me, I feel tense because she usually speaks to me to yell, criticize, be condescending, or make issues in general.
I’m not the best daughter by any means, I can be lazy but my uncle told me I’m like this because the environment I’m in makes me this negative and unwilling to do anything at all for her. When it comes to chores, I don’t have a lot but the delivery from her is usually aggressive, condescending, and hurtful. I hate doing anything for her. If it’s anyone else in my life, I’ll do it in a heartbeat with no complaints, but with her, I get so upset and irritated. I should want to make her life more easy, but I don’t. AITA for not caring about my mom and doing more to help?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
(Changed small details for anonymity)
I (18F) have a mom who has untreated BPD. My mom has been having a lot of financial struggles when it comes to our house. She doesn’t manage money well and constantly is in debt, even when a relative had already lent her 40k+. Recently we had a meeting where she pointed out that my three older siblings (20s) and I both don’t care if she struggles or not. She talked about a time when she said the lights would go out if she didn’t pay them by a certain time, and none of us offered to help or figure out what to do. We ignored her in the gc when she told us, basically. My siblings pay money to her every month, are actively trying to save up to leave + care for our cats which are hers legally but she doesn’t care/pay for them. I didn’t have a job then, so I couldn’t help out.
I want to put it shortly because if I explained everything she’s done, it would get too long: My mom is not a good mom or person. Growing up, my older siblings had it way worse than me. After hearing their experiences, and dealing with how she treated/treats me, I have stopped respecting her. She makes it very hard to want to do nice things for her. I feel awful because a daughter shouldn’t feel this way about a parent but the way she has been treating me, as well as my siblings, has made me resent her and hold grudges. Everytime she talks to me, I feel tense because she usually speaks to me to yell, criticize, be condescending, or make issues in general.
I’m not the best daughter by any means, I can be lazy but my uncle told me I’m like this because the environment I’m in makes me this negative and unwilling to do anything at all for her. When it comes to chores, I don’t have a lot but the delivery from her is usually aggressive, condescending, and hurtful. I hate doing anything for her. If it’s anyone else in my life, I’ll do it in a heartbeat with no complaints, but with her, I get so upset and irritated. I should want to make her life more easy, but I don’t. AITA for not caring about my mom?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You’re 18 lol
It really depends on what she’s done. If she’s been abusive, manipulative, or just absent emotionally, then your feelings are valid
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I ignored my mom when she said she was struggling with bills, and as a result she said I don’t care about her, which is true to an extent. I want to know if my lack of care and action towards her struggles is what makes me the a hole.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s the obligation of the parent or parents to raise the kids they chose to have not the other way around. It doesn’t sit well with me that your mom is insisting support when she herself can’t live meagerly. You and your siblings should be saving for your future instead of supporting her. I thought the elderly receive monthly pension.
NTA, But have a proper conversation with her about her treatment of u and ur siblings
Not the arse, make your own decisions and speak your mind when you feel it’s time to
NTA Your mom has a serious mental illness and refuses treatment. I’m sure you understand this is the reason for a lot of her difficult behavior, and her poor money management too. Of course you are frustrated and exhausted dealing with this. The truth is, your mom doesn’t need financial assistance, she needs mental health treatment. Financial assistance simply enables her to avoid facing the truth, she needs mental health care. You are NTA for the way you feel. Do your best to be a responsible household member, doing chores, etc. You can also try talking to mom about the way she speaks to you and treats you, ask her to be more kind, but with her mental illness I don’t know if it will be productive.
Focus on taking care of your own spirit and financial health. You are 18 now, if mom helped you open a bank account, go back to the bank, open an account all by yourself, and move your money into the new account and then close the old account. If your mom helped you open the old account, she has access to it and can help herself to your money.
Focus on your own future independent of mom. Can you and some of your siblings get an apartment together? Or can you live with your uncle? I think a few months out of mom’s home will change your outlook for the better. Sadly, the best thing you can do for mom is probably to become independent, move out, and tell her that you love her and really want her to get the mental health care that she clearly needs.
NTA. You didnt ask to be brought into this world, and if she’s struggling, its her responsibility to get help, not yours. I’d suggest speaking to an older family member- aunt, uncle, grandparent, if possible, and let them know that she’s struggling and seems to expect you and your siblings to bail her out, but that that isnt currently feasible, and that you have your own finances to worry about.
NTA
your mom is the parent and it is up to hear to ensure your safety and wellbeing plus security till you’re at least 21 imo. Some say 18 but it isn’t fair to pick that age because you’re still learning and growing so your options to prosper are limited for a little bit.
She sounds like her mental health is coloring her view and not understanding yall help in the ways you can. She shouldn’t be sharing about her financial issues prior to you becoming an adult. Yall should be helping around the house but it’s hard when she’s ungrateful and making the situation worse.
Save your money and get out asap because this will not get better and she’ll trap you however she can (ask me how I know)
NTA
I understand where you’re coming from, OP. My mom wasn’t the best to me either. Abusive, emotionally neglectful, and manipulative to get what she wants and make me out the bad guy.
You don’t owe your mother shit. She needs mental help and not only refusing it, she’s also got herself into financial mess just to ignore these mental issues she has. You and your siblings have to take care of yourselves and get out. Your mother can sink on her own without dragging any of you down.
NTA. I like the plane analogy, “please take care of your own mask before helping others with theirs.” You need to take care of your own needs before you have the bandwidth to help others, including your mom. As others have said, you are the child in this relationship, even if you’re an adult. It is not for you or others to place the burden on you to take care of your mom, that’s not your responsibility. If your mom is unable or unwilling to take care of herself that’s ultimately her decision. The only time there is an intervention, at least here in the U.S., is when a person is deemed a threat to herself or others. We can argue the right or wrong about our mental health system, or the lack of one, but until things change that’s how it stands. Give yourself some grace and kindness, you’ve done the best you can and that’s all that anyone can expect from you. I hope things work out for you moving forward.
Updateme