My brother treated me horribly when we were growing up, from molesting me to hitting and kicking me to stealing from me.
I just heard he has a brain tumor and they operated on it, but he’s still expected to die soon. My whole family wants me to be there to see him off (I guess), but I don’t want to in the slightest.
He’s has decades to call me up and apologize, but even that was too much for him to do. I don’t care about him anymore, and to me, if he dies, he dies.
Comments
NTA. You don’t owe someone that abused you forgiveness or support just because they’re going through a tough time.
Nope, you’re NTA. Keep your inner peace and stay away.
Damn, that’s rough. Not sure whether YTA or not. But everybody deals different with these kind of stuff.. you have to do what you think is right. Some people would go, some would not. It is your choice, just don’t make a choice that will haunt you.
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You’re not responsible for absolving your brother or do you owe it to him to grieve his horribly spent life! Do what’s best for you because it sounds like your family never did!
HECK NO. Oh my god. You don’t owe him anything after everything he’s done, and if anybody says otherwise, they’re weird
NTA, You don’t owe him anything and so long as it wont be a decision you live to regret then why bother if its only going to cause you grief.
I knew karma exists in this world.
I’m with you, toxic people don’t deserve your empathy. You can forgive him without anyone knowing, especially your family. Stand firm.
NTA do what you can live with knowing you owe him nothing.
You’re allowed to make the best choice for YOU. No one else can take that power away from you. Sending you a big hug. I’m not sure if your family is aware of what he did to you. Either way, you’re not obligated. Please don’t lose sight. Protect yourself ❤️
Respect is earned. He has had his entire life up to now, and has done nothing for you. Nope. Don’t let him or the rest of the family tell you that you need to “make your peace “ with him. He was an abusive jerk to you. Consider it paybacks, and tell the rest of them to leave you alone!!
You’re not the ah. I’d go see him and tell him you’re still hurting even after all these years from all the abuse he dished out. He may finally feel shame. If not, remind him of where he is going and leave.
Do your parents not know of the abuse?
NTA You have no relationship with him and he has never sought to make amends or ask forgiveness. TBH he sounds like an asshole. Is there any indication that has changed?
Just because you’re family doesn’t mean you need to forgive decades of abuse.
NTA if you feel like you need to say something to him before he dies if you think it may help you in some way to heal. You could always call doesn’t need to be a face to face convocation.
Even on his death bed he ain’t apologize??? Oh please sleep on brotha! Nta
Yes, it’s difficult. You feel guilty, like you did something to deserve it or bring it on, but it’s not you who did wrong. Have you tried writing a letter telling them what went on? Have you been for therapy? Maybe your therapist could assist you in how to begin that letter or conversation…? I hope you are able to put this pain and turmoil behind you so you can heal to live your best life! ❤️
NTA. My brother did similar to me. If he died, I’d throw a party.
People are always telling the hurt person to be the bigger person . Forgive. Whatever the reason for this sudden push on you. You do you. People that do bad things to others deserve to be cut from your life forever. Not until they are sick , or get married. Or even when they say they changed. Doesn’t change what they did. I cut people out and hear how I shouldn’t. One tried to poison me. That’s it. Total wrap. One hurt my kids. Again. Totally gone to me. You protect you.
You can have sympathy for your brother’s situation (or anyone else similarly situated) without making a phony showing of “reconciling.” We don’t get to pick our relatives and often don’t care for them. You wouldn’t appear at the bedside of a stranger because he or she is dying, so why do so here? I was estranged from my father for the last several years of his life and I was often warned I’d regret not reaching out to him before he passed. I didn’t regret it, and I doubt he cared either. We’re not assured of loving someone merely because of a blood relationship.
Karma’s a bitch. NTA
Your feelings are valid and needs to be respected
If he has never made an effort to apologize and make amends for the damage he did you, you owe him nothing.
Actually, you owe him nothing even if he did.
NTA, can’t wait for what he gets in the afterlife. Good riddance, you owe him nothing. You’d still be within your rights to show up and curse him out if that’s what tickles your fancy imo
NTA. He doesn’t have to die to be dead to you.
NTA and you’re well within your moral right to not care. That said, personally I would visit anyway. You get once last chance to be the better person, and if he dies and you do end up regretting not going there’s no way to go back after the fact. Maybe it will bring some healing from past trauma, maybe it wont; only you know what will bring you the most peace.
NTA, you don’t owe anyone anything.
WTF is wrong with your family? Do they know he abused you? The world is safer without him and so are you. NTA
You don’t have to see anyone you don’t want to, especially if they were this horrid to you. I wouldn’t go either if I was in your shoes
sorry to hear that but i understand – after so bridges are burned down there is no coning back
NTA
NTA. I’d be telling the family about what a POS he is. But it appears as though they are already dead set in their desire to deify him. So screw it
Go see him, tell him he’s a horrible c**t and you can’t wait for him to die….
He who laughs last…..
Your brother clearly doesn’t deserve you being there. If you don’t want to go, then don’t.
If your family doesn’t know why you won’t be there, just say that you have your reasons and need them to respect that. You are not obligated to explain yourself.
NTA. Everyone dies. You could send a note for him with a family member. “You’ll see me in the next life, unless I see YOU first.” That would make me feel better…
The kicking hitting is a part of growing up. Id say be the bigger person. The molestation….no fuck him. KARMA
NTA ignore your family
nta
*but* one day of facing your past trauma might be worth it to avoid potential years of strain and toxicity from your family for not being there
it might actually be good. like reminding yourself you are safe and free from him now sort of thing
but hopefully you at least have a little time to think on what is best for you
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You’re NTA for me. If your brother was abusive to you and never even apologize why would you care? He never had empathy for you now you don’t have one for him.
Nta
Blood is thicker than water but it’s still not stronger than years of bad treatment. You are under no obligation to do anything in his regard.
You may choose to do so for your own sake; not his. In that case, set your terms of engagement and stick to them. Don’t let anyone guilt you into anything.
My uncle behaved similarly to your brother. When he was dying he wanted forgiveness – but for selfish reasons. He feared for his mortal soul. I refused.
NTA
Nothing good will come of you going. You have no responsibility or obligation to him. If your family keeps pushing, ask them flat-out why they think it’s okay for someone who abused you to have access to you again.
Sounds as if he really made an effort to make you not care about him…
It might still be good for you to see him off… Or not.
But you don’t owe him anything. Nor do you owe your family who propably failed to help you when your brother mistreated you.
If you want to, don’t. The flip side is, how will this impact your relationship with your parents?
NTA
Go visit him and tell him he can rot for eternity and I’ll never accept his rapist apology
NTA. Take care of yourself.
NTA. See ya, bro!
NTA. He SA’ed you.
You owe him absolutely nothing
NTA but i do very much wish i’d gone to lunch with my mother the week she ODd. i was waffling on whether to do it or not and had actually decided the day before i got the news (the day she passed) that i was going to do it.
she was a husk. the pipe was her master and she didn’t do anything except smoke and go psychotic constantly. her life was fucking miserable and, while i’ve now confronted all of this and moved on, i wondered for a long time “what if i’d gone? would she be dead?”
your brother is a piece of shit. if your family enabled him, fuck them. if you are close w the rest of them, i personally think you should go, because it isn’t for him, its for them. he’s gonna die lol.
Not at all. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy.
Sorry this happened to you.
Fuck that guy and his flying monkeys. Tell them that you’ll go if you can control his morphine drip. NTA, obviously.
NTA. The notion that forgiveness is needed for closure or healing is bullshit tbh. The only person it’d help is him, and he doesn’t deserve that. Least of all from you.
Karma is catching up to him.
Im right there with you, one of my brothers sassaulted me when I was young. I will Never forget.
You don’t have to care and you can even celebrate his demise. I’ll celebrate with you.
Just tell people his sins are between him and God; you’re done living with the memories of what he did to you.
Nta, you are in control now. You’re grown and you get to decide who you allow in your life. Do not allow the emotional manipulation to make you feel otherwise. And there’s no way in hell others around didn’t notice, they were complacent then by allowing it, and are complacent now if they want you to forget the abuse and come soothe his guilt by showing up. Nahhh he doesn’t deserve that.
NTA just the fact that he molested you is enough of a reason to stay far away from him. You don’t owe him anything, least of all your sympathy. Forget your family, they’re absolutely in the wrong for expecting you to be there for him.
Not at all
NTA.
I had to cut my brother and his wife off for a few serious reasons. I have zero intentions of being there whenever he dies or a funeral. I promised my dad I’d be polite at my dad’s funeral whenever he dies, because having officiated funerals for a few decades he’d seen some bad family behaviours. I told him that I’m above behaving like a moron at a funeral. Still doesn’t mean I’ll ever have a reason to have a relationship with my brother ever again.
Good riddance
Don’t let anyone try to guilt trip you. You don’t have to explain or justify. No. Can’t make it.
You know… my childhood boyfriend ended up molesting my nephews. He was their neighbour and a trusted baby-sitter. We were in 9th grade. A couple of years ago, he died from cancer. I understand he suffered terribly. Good.
You’re NTA for not caring. If anything, you’re very kind for not celebrating the impending demise of someone who hurt you.
NTA You owe him nothing. If someone in your family knows the truth and still expects you to reconcile, they are truly vile.
Karma’s a bitch when you are one. He doesn’t deserve for you to be there, he did horrific things to you and doesn’t deserve your grace.
Yeah, you don’t have to care about your molester
NTA
NTA. He did some pretty horrible things to you.
NTA. I have a brother who was horrible to me, too. I haven’t spoken to him in years, and I truly don’t care what becomes of him.
Doesn’t sound that he cares if you are there. Very few people are born bad. What was his upbringing that lead to him turning out this way?
Lessons learned from movies, the monster is mever more dangerous than when it’s dying.
NTA- you dont owe him anything.
You owe him and your family NOTHING. Don’t go. You may piss off some family members and they’re gonna try to make you feel bad for it but, that’s when you let them know that if they’re gonna bring it up, you’ll block them on everything. You dont need to deal with that.
As someone who’s older brother did the same to her, first off, hugs, so many hugs. Second – you owe him nothing. You owe the family, that allowed him to continue to live life as though nothing happened while you were living with the scars of his actions every day of your life within every relationship, absofrigginlutely nothing as well. Keep your peace. F him. Hope he has a nice warm greeting when he passes.
My brother has done far less, but enough that we are NC for 8 years now. I will never talk to him again and hope he never shows up at my doorstep. I hope he’s happy with his life, but he can continue to leave me the hell alone!
NTA
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NTA. I have a brother I have a very VERY acrimonious relationship with, and once our father passes I shall delight in never ever seeing him again. Just the mention of his name triggers me. If anything were to happen to him I honestly wouldn’t be sad. It sounds awful, but when someone has tormented you for years, why on earth would you be expected to be sad just cos they’re related to you. You can’t choose your family, but you can choose to cut them out of your life if they’re toxic. You don’t owe him anything.
Another account 5 hours old with a suspicious story.
My father had a brother that he idolized as a child. The brother wasn’t that nice to dad, but dad continued to be family until uncle and family moved away and cut contact.
Almost 30 years later, one of my cousins contacted my father to tell him that his brother was dying and wanted to see him again.
Dad didn’t go. He never regretted it.
Be there to see him off, feet first into a Woodchipper! Fuck that ChoMo🤨🖕🏻
NTA.
I hope his passing helps you find peace.
NTA, they are just looking to make themselves feel better.