My friend (F20) and I (F19) have birthdays in the same week—mine’s May 20th and hers is the 25th. We share a lot of the same friends, but I’d say I’m a bit closer to some of them since I go out of my way to visit and stay in touch.
Last year, we had a joint birthday celebration because we both wanted to do the same event (everyone does this event for their birthdays in our town but it’s a bit expensive – it’s like a boat party thing). She had actually done the same thing for her birthday the year before with our friend group, before I became friends with them. That same year, I did the boat party as well but with a different group of friends, just on another weekend.
So basically, we’ve both kind of made it a tradition to celebrate our birthdays at this event the past couple years. This year, I heard she wanted to switch it up since it’s her 21st and she wants to do something special instead of the boat party again. So I went ahead and started planning it myself.
Lately, a bunch of people who came last year have been messaging me, super excited, asking what date I’m doing my birthday this time around because they had such a great time last year. The weekend most people are free falls closer to her actual birthday, so I wanted to check in with her and make sure she didn’t want to do it joint one last time before confirming with everyone.
She got back to me and said she doesn’t want to do a joint celebration this year. She’s been exploring other ideas, but she was thinking about just doing the boat party again that weekend—implying that I should plan something else.
I totally get that her 21st is a big deal and she wants it to feel special and separate. But I’ve already been planning this for a while, even coming up with a theme, and everyone’s been referring to it as my birthday party since she said she wanted to do something else. I let her know I still plan to do it that weekend, and that I’m open to making it a joint thing again—but if she wants to celebrate differently, that’s up to her.
So… AITA if I still go ahead with the plan?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
My friend (F20) and I (F19) have birthdays in the same week—mine’s May 20th and hers is the 25th. We share a lot of the same friends, but I’d say I’m a bit closer to some of them since I go out of my way to visit and stay in touch.
Last year, we had a joint birthday celebration because we both wanted to do the same event (everyone does this event for their birthdays in our town but it’s a bit expensive – it’s like a boat party thing). She had actually done the same thing for her birthday the year before with our friend group, before I became friends with them. That same year, I did the boat party as well but with a different group of friends, just on another weekend.
So basically, we’ve both kind of made it a tradition to celebrate our birthdays at this event the past couple years. This year, I heard she wanted to switch it up since it’s her 21st and she wants to do something special instead of the boat party again. So I went ahead and started planning it myself.
Lately, a bunch of people who came last year have been messaging me, super excited, asking what date I’m doing my birthday this time around because they had such a great time last year. The weekend most people are free falls closer to her actual birthday, so I wanted to check in with her and make sure she didn’t want to do it joint one last time before confirming with everyone.
She got back to me and said she doesn’t want to do a joint celebration this year. She’s been exploring other ideas, but she was thinking about just doing the boat party again that weekend—implying that I should plan something else.
I totally get that her 21st is a big deal and she wants it to feel special and separate. But I’ve already been planning this for a while, even coming up with a theme, and everyone’s been referring to it as my birthday party since she said she wanted to do something else. I let her know I still plan to do it that weekend, and that I’m open to making it a joint thing again—but if she wants to celebrate differently, that’s up to her.
So… AITA if I still go ahead with the plan?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Planning my birthday the same weekend,
I think she may see me as the ah because she sees it as her birthday tradition
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
No if you had your plan booked before or it’s more urgent than a party then your friend should be sympathetic towards you
TBH, I think you kind of are TA. 21st birthdays can be a big deal for people. I think if my friend had said they wanted something special and separate for their 21st, I’d have offered to help them plan and organise it. My gf has a landmark birthday coming up in a couple of years – her birthday is the day before mine – and even if we do something ‘joint’ as we have before, I’m happy to make it about her that year. If she wants to do something separate that time, I’d be happy for her to take precedence when settling on a date. I’ve no doubt she would do the same for me when I have a ‘special’ birthday
She said she wanted to do something else…..so you followed up asking everyone else what weekend they were free, but didn’t follow up that statement with “Okay. Have you thought about which weekend you were going to do something?”
Also, are you planning the weekend AFTER her birthday? You could easily do yours a week or two early. She can’t celebrate her 21st even a day early in the same way.
NTA.
You’ve been planning for awhile now, and you did ask her beforehand. She might not be the forward planner that you are, but there are plenty of time slots before and after birthdays to make it count as a birthday party. However, having two boat parties in the same month is pretty repetitive. There is a good possibility that if you do it, one of the parties will suffer lower attendance and then one Birthday person will be mad. Since it’s her 21st birthday, you could be gracious and just chill out and then let her plan it and execute the party while you go along for the ride and just have your party on another date doing something more low-key.
Yeah I’m going with YTA
With the date and everything else said about everyone liking you better etc etc..
“she wants to do something special instead of the boat party again. So I went ahead and started planning it myself….her 21st is a big deal and she wants it to feel special and separate. But I’ve already been planning this for a while”
YTA, well and truly. You’ve known when her 21st going to be for as long as you’ve known her and calendars have been around… you sound like you just don’t care and want the attention to be on you.
In Australia 21st are a big deal. Have yours next time
YTA… you’ve already confirmed most people are free the weekend you are planning your event and it’s the weekend closest to her birthday. You should move your’s to a different weekend so that weekend is available for her.
21st birthdays are way more important than your 19th or 20th birthday. People of reddit shouldn’t have to explain that to you. You know that. 99.9999% of people from the US know that. You’re choosing to ignore your friend. YTA
YTA – more than the boat celebration, my concern is that you basically took her birthday weekend on her 21st. She told you she wants to do something special and not joint, and you responded by asking all of your friends when they were free, turns out it’s the weekend closest to her birthday, and then you just … took it? When did you think she was going to have her birthday?
I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you don’t have bad intentions (and I understand people can write from a place of defensiveness when they write these posts), but the phrasing about being closer with those friends because you make more of an effort sounds bad. It sounds like you’re looking for a reason to suggest you’re more entitled to the availability of people who were her friends first. Obviously it’s their choice whose party they want to go to, but the vibe is off when you survey mutual friends re their availability around both your birthdays, then jump in and take the date.
Up to you, and I know it sucks and you’re of course not obligated to, but if I were you I would step back and let her have the best pick this year, and hopefully she does the same when you’re 21 next year. You know your friendship more than we do, but if she’s important to you and you think she would do the same, I would give up the day for her.
NTA. She’s claiming the boat party as ‘something special’, while previously implying that she wanted to do something different for her big event. At least you made up your mind about this.