I (35m) like to work on cars, and like to do all my own maintenance. Well obviously with that comes family that wants you to work on their car. Recently my sister in law (23f) asked me to do her oil change. I had never done one on this car so I said I would look it up and get back to her. I have done a bit of work in the past on her older cars(never charge I just like working on cars). Well I look up how to do an oil change on this car, look up the recommended oil and everything needed for the oil change, and sent it over to her, and tell her she can come over Saturday and I’ll do it. Well she just leaves me on read, and doesn’t reply.
2 weeks later or so don’t really remember it was a good bit of time. She texts me asking me if I’m available to do the oil change. Well what do I do? Leave her on read haha. I was gonna text her when I got time to do it. Well fast forward to today and my wife(35) asks me if I’ll do her sisters oil. I said no because I did that research, told her when I could do it, and she ignored me so I ignored her until I was ready. She then said well she said she bought all the stuff and made and appointment with someone and when she got there they said they couldn’t do it. So I spent that time looking into it for her to get someone else to do it, and now I’m the fall back? So I said definitely not now. Then she called me petty for ignoring her because she ignored me, and said “she’s only 23”, “she’s still a kid”, mind you she has a boyfriend, a child, and a “business”.
So am I petty(an asshole) for ignoring her and not doing her oil?
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I (35m) like to work on cars, and like to do all my own maintenance. Well obviously with that comes family that wants you to work on their car. Recently my sister in law (23f) asked me to do her oil change. I had never done one on this car so I said I would look it up and get back to her. I have done a bit of work in the past on her older cars(never charge I just like working on cars). Well I look up how to do an oil change on this car, look up the recommended oil and everything needed for the oil change, and sent it over to her, and tell her she can come over Saturday and I’ll do it. Well she just leaves me on read, and doesn’t reply.
2 weeks later or so don’t really remember it was a good bit of time. She texts me asking me if I’m available to do the oil change. Well what do I do? Leave her on read haha. I was gonna text her when I got time to do it. Well fast forward to today and my wife(35) asks me if I’ll do her sisters oil. I said no because I did that research, told her when I could do it, and she ignored me so I ignored her until I was ready. She then said well she said she bought all the stuff and made and appointment with someone and when she got there they said they couldn’t do it. So I spent that time looking into it for her to get someone else to do it, and now I’m the fall back? So I said definitely not now. Then she called me petty for ignoring her because she ignored me, and said “she’s only 23”, “she’s still a kid”, mind you she has a boyfriend, a child, and a “business”.
So am I petty(an asshole) for ignoring her and not doing her oil?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Ignored a text message and didn’t do an oil change
2. Because she’s 23 and family
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Are you the asshole no you’re a grown man with free will. Is this super petty to be having a family feud about, yes, you’re stretching this out over weeks instead of taking an hour to get it over with
You are being petty.
NTA. She’s not entitled to your time or skills, it was a favour. Send her the research you did and wish her all the best.
NTA
She asked and you offered her a time. She ignored you and didn’t respond.
She can go pay for her own service
NTA, this is a good age for some common curtesy lessons.
No. They are just lazy women who think they can do whatever because thatz what their parents taught them. She’s obviously not a kid. She’s yanking your chain just for the fun of it. So you correctly told her,& by proxy your wife,to go pound sand.
Why isn’t her bf doing it? Changing oil is slightly more difficult than replacing a battery & air filter. Next time Chloe Kardashian offers you a chance to climb under her car you say “No. But I will supervise Chad for you while he does it. For free.!”
NTA. My niece asked me to put brakes on her car. I bought the parts and asked her when she could come over. She made plans and canceled on me about 4 times. She then decided to come over on a day when the high temperature was 20 degrees Fahrenheit. (I have to work outside). I declined. If you can’t be bothered to keep an appointment for $200-300 worth of work for free, I’m not available.
NTA but this is a weird hill for all of you to die on
You were doing her a favor, which apparently wasn’t that important after all. She should learn some gratitude. NTA.
Since when is 23 a kid???
NTA. She needs to grow up. Grown ups pay or learn to do it themselves.
NTA.
Also, Don’t ever do any car work for a family member. If anything else goes wrong, they will blame you. Its only lose lose situation.
Plus there is huge liability.
In future simply say no, you don’t know this vehicle.
My policy to help and get help from friends is, help out with tools/hardware/guidance and monitor. Only owner actually works on the car.
Yes. When doing free work for family always jump to do or on their time
ESH
Your SIL is being an irresponsible person for asking you a favour then leaving you hanging.
You’re a 35 year old adult who shouldn’t be playing her games. Be upfront with people about ‘yes’ I’ll do it or ‘no’ I won’t. It sounds like you didn’t really want to do it, such that you looked for someone else to do it. So you should have just said ‘look, I’m not comfortable as I checked it out and it’s a bit more work/not something I want to do…but I can see about recommending someone and/or just take it to a quickie lube place’.
This is family…you don’t have time or want to strain relationships over silliness. Be clear about your time, and what you will and won’t do with it.
ESH
But really slightly here. I don’t know that I’d call anyone an asshole.
I mean, you ARE being petty. She’s also not entitled to your time, but it’s something you offered and enjoy doing, and she’s a family member that you presumably have a good relationship with. She definitely could have communicated with you better, but you could have handled all of that better.
I’d set up a time with her again, let her know that it’s your only availability, and then remind her that it’s free.
NTA- BUT I will say as a grown ass man with a wife pick your battles dude because you miss with your wife’s family and she has to hear all that BS even if she backs you that stress and annoyance could very well bite YOU in the ass. Pick your battles with family dude especially in laws because it may not bother you if it’s a years long feud over something petty and dumb, but it will bother your spouse.
NTA
Nobody is entitled to have a pro mechanic work for free on their day off. That is what you were asked to do.
SIL was rude to ignore the text and ruder still not to apologize for not responding sooner.
You could’ve been mature and instead of ignoring her, just said no to her text.
AH I don’t know, probably. I have a variety of skills, like understanding tax law, and got pretty sick of people treating me like my favors were endless, that I could miraculously resolve problems they created for themselves and that I had to drop whatever I was doing for them. I would have promptly advised the sister, I got no response so I moved on to other things and could fit them in whenever. I don’t think retribution in kind is the best way to deal with someone who behaves like an AH, I prefer subtle pointing out that they are the cause of their issue.
I’d not touch any of her family’s cars again.
NTA- I feel like your wife & sister in-law are confusing a favor with an obligation. You were going to do it as a favor, she blew you off & went elsewhere.
Not at all! She asked, you researched the vehicle and returned a “I’ll do it date”. It’s ON HER for failing to reply and politely acknowledge. BTW…..at 23 and a child she should be an adult! Good Luck 🍀
She treated you like crap, wasted your time and now you are being called petty for giving her a taste of her own medicine. If you want respect, you need to give respect. It is a two way street.
ABSOLUTELY NOT THE A here!
My husband is an auto technician and this type of family poo happened ALL THE TIME!
Your wife is wrong, you aren’t being petty, and SIL is a spoiled brat (even at 23).
Next time, speak up and say “sure, I’ll do it, but that’s gonna be $30”. When everyone starts laughing (cause they will) don’t smile, don’t do anything, just stand there looking at her. Hopefully the point will be made.
NTA, bad choice of woman though if she acts like that
NAH but a lot of pettiness and terrible communication
OP – offer to help her learn to change her own oil? And if she cant learn/assist on your schedule, send her a youtube on how?
Then in theory, you won’t have to do her oil ever again, but it gets the car taken of this time?
JFC what kind of grown man leaves someone on read to be a petty child.
YTA. Is this a hill you want to die on? Is this worth a family feud? Is this worth causing animosity between you, your wife, and her family?
Your SIL had every right to look for someone else if your Saturday time wasn’t convenient for her or if there was someone closer to home. She should have told you that, instead of leaving you on read. However, it doesn’t change the fact that she needs her oil changed. You could stop being petty and put that research to good use instead of resentment and waste. You got your little dig in and revenge by leaving her on read. Now, you can act like a mature adult and address it with SIL directly. Tell her that you can do it, but the next time she sees that you messaged her that you will expect a response yes or no out of courtesy and respect for you and your time since you are doing her a favor for free. Leaving your messages on read without any response is rude and unacceptable as you could have done something else with your time that you allotted to her. If she can’t abide by your terms going forward, she will have to find someone else who will do her car repairs and maintenance for her.
23 is an adult. She asked for a favor and made you do work and then ignored you. She talked her way out of help. NTA. Your wife should be talking to her sister about wasting your time not bothering you.
23 is not a kid. Most shade trees refuse to do oil changes because they’re a pain in the ass. I know this because my shop gets the oil changes instead, meaning we’re not making any money.
NTA, but consider charging and seeing if that makes it worthwhile. She was clearly willing to pay someone else.
NTA. What sticks out to me here is: 23 is not a “kid.” I mean, I’m about to be 27 and I still call myself a kid, but when I was 23 I was married, had my degree, and was a homeowner??? Definitely old enough to know better and I would have absolutely not done this to somebody in my life.