A while back I had to move out of the area that I was raised in because I just got priced out. Even working 3 jobs and living with roommates. So I just took the loss and moved to the next state over, away from the metro area and in a place that I could afford with two other roommates. I am 24f btw.
My family was supportive and helped me move. I don’t think they got that they’d see me less, bc they’d ask me to come over for the weekend. It’s an 8 hour bus ride which is no big deal but it does take up time where I can work. Plus I have to pay for a motel whenever I visit bc my parents redid their guest room to be a office and they don’t let people sleep on the couch and their rentals are full up. SO I have visited twice.
In a month is my family’s summer celebration. Most of my family hates traveling in the winter so we basically have Christmas/thanksgiving in the summer for everyone. Well of course great timing I am laid off from one of my jobs and just have the other one. But I got a job helping with a wedding that weekend which will put me in the green for a bit.
I told my parents I couldn’t make it and they were so mad. I tried to tell them that I need this money to make ends meet. I said that if they wanted me to come they’d need to pay. Mom was pissed and said that was manipulative. I told her that I need to think of the consequences of my actions.
She said she’s sick of me choosing everything but family. When I’m not working I’m trying to learn coding but it’s really hard and I’m struggling to understand it. Yes before anyone asks I have a learning disability I know that’s not an excuse it just means I have to work harder.
But my older sister called me to catch up. I told her what happened with mom. She was very understanding but also said that she thinks mom is right, and she knows it’s hard for me to make ends meet but that I have a lot of other options like uber eats and that it kind of seems like I am using the wedding gig as an excuse to be lazy as in I get paid a lot more for less time than if I worked uber eats. She says that I should be willing to put in the extra work if I really care.
This has made me feel really bad and like I need a reality check. Am I the asshole for not going and should I just cancel the wedding gig and make it up with Uber eats and stuff
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A while back I had to move out of the area that I was raised in because I just got priced out. Even working 3 jobs and living with roommates. So I just took the loss and moved to the next state over, away from the metro area and in a place that I could afford with two other roommates. I am 24f btw.
My family was supportive and helped me move. I don’t think they got that they’d see me less, bc they’d ask me to come over for the weekend. It’s an 8 hour bus ride which is no big deal but it does take up time where I can work. Plus I have to pay for a motel whenever I visit bc my parents redid their guest room to be a office and they don’t let people sleep on the couch and their rentals are full up. SO I have visited twice.
In a month is my family’s summer celebration. Most of my family hates traveling in the winter so we basically have Christmas/thanksgiving in the summer for everyone. Well of course great timing I am laid off from one of my jobs and just have the other one. But I got a job helping with a wedding that weekend which will put me in the green for a bit.
I told my parents I couldn’t make it and they were so mad. I tried to tell them that I need this money to make ends meet. I said that if they wanted me to come they’d need to pay. Mom was pissed and said that was manipulative. I told her that I need to think of the consequences of my actions.
She said she’s sick of me choosing everything but family. When I’m not working I’m trying to learn coding but it’s really hard and I’m struggling to understand it. Yes before anyone asks I have a learning disability I know that’s not an excuse it just means I have to work harder.
But my older sister called me to catch up. I told her what happened with mom. She was very understanding but also said that she thinks mom is right, and she knows it’s hard for me to make ends meet but that I have a lot of other options like uber eats and that it kind of seems like I am using the wedding gig as an excuse to be lazy as in I get paid a lot more for less time than if I worked uber eats. She says that I should be willing to put in the extra work if I really care.
This has made me feel really bad and like I need a reality check. Am I the asshole for not going and should I just cancel the wedding gig and make it up with Uber eats and stuff
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Instead of going to the family reunion thing I am taking a job at a wedding to make ends meet and that makes me the asshole because I could do uber eats or something for more hours to make it up so I can afford to go see my family which shows my priorities are wrong.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You’re not skipping the reunion to party you’re working to survive. That’s not selfish, that’s responsible. It’s incredibly unfair for your family to guilt you when they’re not offering any real help or support. You’re doing your best, and sometimes showing up for yourself has to come before showing up for others. Anyone who calls that “lazy” has no idea what it means to hustle just to stay afloat.
>Am I the asshole for not going
NTA – You can’t afford to go. Being less than wealthy doesn’t make you an asshole. Your bank account balance is not indicative of your character. Choosing to prioritize your own financial survival over a family party is not asshole behavior.
Giving someone shit for doing so is.
NTA. You are being responsible. It sucks and I do think it’s important to make time for family, but your priority is taking care of yourself.
NTA
The fact that your sister said that you should be “willing to put in extra work if you really care” and that your work “seems lazy” is beyond infuriating when you’ve already stated you’re working multiple jobs. Your financial situation/job opportunities isn’t an indication of how much you care about your family.
Uber eats isn’t a guarantee to get you a set amount of money that you need, the wedding is. Uber eats could be a lot more time, gas, effort for maybe even less money at the end. It’s not lazy or wrong to work smarter and easier for your money.
You’re not skipping this get-together because you just don’t want to go, it’s so you have money to survive. You’re being a responsible adult and focusing on what you need to do to pay the bills. I think it’s unfair for your family to be upset with you for something like this. Yes, family does matter, but you need to make ends meet. It’s not manipulative to tell them that you’d need expenses covered to go, it’s just facts. If they believe family should come first and want you there, then they should be willing to help pay. If they aren’t willing to do that to allow you to join them, then they need to accept that you can’t go.
At the end of the day you’re an adult who can choose to go somewhere with your parents or not. Especially for a valid reason such as expenses. I don’t think they have a valid reason to be upset with you. Upset that you can’t make it- yes. Upset at you for not going- no.
NTA not even a tiny bit. You are doing the right thing. The job market is so tough at the moment and everything costs so much. You do what you need to do to stay afloat and ignore your family’s guilt trips. Memories of a family trip won’t keep you warm if you can’t pay your rent. I hope you manage to find a job that pays well and lets you work only one job, but in the mean time, keep doing what you need to do.
“I have to sleep on the couch and their rentals are full up…..”. Nice. So you’re working extremely hard to be an adult and make ends meet while your Mother (and Sister) expect you to hop an 8 hour bus ride, sleep on the fucking floor, all while they collect rents from who knows how many rentals they have. If they cared they would give you an all expense paid flight to come plus put you up in the nicest hotel in town. Or maybe THEY can sleep on the floor while you sleep in their bed. Jeez. NTA.
NTA, you’re not skipping out on family because you don’t want to see them, you have to look after yourself first and financially speaking you’re not able to spend the money. Your family are forcing you to spend the money because they won’t let you sleep on the couch? Cmon that’s poor hosting ettiequte from them, they should see you suffering and offer something that costs them absolutely nothing.
HOWEVEEEEEEERRRR, you say that this is a big deal you do at the same time every year, right? You could have planned and prioritised to go and made it very clear to family that you can only afford X visits a year and this is one of them. You could have planned it in the same way you do Christmas and birthday gifts. Does it make YTA? No. Does it make you slightly less considerate and potentially make them feel like you’ve not thought about them? Yeah. You’ve been responsible which is awesome, seriously, but I would feel bummed out and hurt if my loved ones didn’t plan ahead for such a big event where all family get together too
How are you supposed to get a job doing Uber Eats if you have to take a bus to see your family?
Do you have a car or no? Or was that an AI mistake?
NTA.. do the wedding and earn that cash.
Your present and future is more important than any given family event. You can miss one and its not the end of the world. I’m an attorney in two states and there are many times where I have to put work first before family events. My family understands that my career is more important than a dinner or reunion. Don’t give in to peer pressure. Don’t give in to your mother’s manipulation. Don’t give in to threats. Not only would you have to give up the income you can earn, but you’d also have to shell out for a motel because your parents won’t even let you sleep on their couch.
Stand up for yourself and do what is best for you. This isn’t a wedding. This isn’t some unique one time event. its a common yearly family get together.
NTA. You would go if you felt you could swing it.
NTA. You are choosing your well being over you family. You need money to survive. A normal family would understand that. They may even offer to pay for the trip so you dont have to worry about it. Your family sounds self absorbed and needs a reality check. Sometimes, especially when you are young and trying to figure things out, you have to work multiple jobs and live pay check to pay check. I am going to assume your family is comfortable if not well off from the sounds of it. And then not having a guest room but wanting you to come and visit? So you have to pay and miss out on making more money to visit. Thats crazy. Dont go, do the wedding job, and focus on yourself. Dont let them get to you by guilting you. You keep working on yourself and can visit on your own terms when you want to.
NTA
You don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You don’t need to go into debt for this, you need to work to keep yourself afloat, that’s reasonable. What isn’t reasonable is getting rid of a guest room after your child told you they could no longer afford to live in your state and then complaining when they don’t visit. What isn’t reasonable is asking someone to work themselves into the ground when there are easier, more profitable options. What isn’t reasonable is making somebody feel bad for being poor. You are trying. You are making an effort to improve your situation and I applaude you for that, and a reasonable family would too. Don’t go to the reunion. If any other family members ask why, tell them the truth, you couldn’t afford to take time off work. Anybody who is too privileged or ignorant to understand that isn’t worth your time.
NTA. You’re not choosing money over family, you’re choosing survival. If they’re not offering to cover your costs, they don’t get to guilt you for working
Honestly, sounds like your family doesn’t understand what it’s like to hustle just to stay afloat. You’re doing your best, and taking the wedding gig instead of spending tons to travel is just common sense. NTA
NTA. You don’t need a reality check. Your family is delusional. They have not really faced the fact that you live farther away. Asking you to visit, knowing it’ll take you 16 hours round trip to do it, and offering you no place to stay, is absurd.
Don’t take unsolicited advice from others about how you could be making instead. Do they even freaking know if Uber Eats would be a better gig for you than what you’re doing? This all seems like a test…do you love them enough to put your livelihood at risk to please them? That’s fucked up. You needing financial help to make an expensive trip happen – or else you can’t make it – is not manipulative, it’s facts. You are willing to forego the visit. They don’t get to make demands on you and also not help you make those things happen.
You don’t need a reality check other than maybe one that relates to how deluded and unreasonable your family is being.
NTA. My cousin pulled this, guilt-tripped me for missing Thanksgiving while I was working three jobs. Then I found out she skipped the year she was broke. Rules for thee, huh?
They want to see you but won’t even let you sleep on the couch? NTA
They want you to magically show up without helping you afford it? Tell them to cough up motel money or chill. That’s not manipulative, that’s being real about your situation
NTA. Your family likely do not realize what it costs to live atm. Plus, a lot of people think you earn good money from uber eats without realizing how much you pay in gas, car maintenance etc. not to mention if you are studying you need to value your time too.
Also, if you bail on working this wedding, it makes you less likely to be picked to work the next one. And the one after that etc.
Choose yourself.
NTA. I just want to say I’m proud of you for making ends meet and making practical choices to stay afloat in a difficult economy, especially with a learning disability. You are still working hard to improve on your circumstances. Re family, I can understand them wanting you to be there for family Xmas – however there are some expenses attached that I would think your family could negate, especially knowing that you’ve just lost your job. It feels like you’re being punished rather than met with empathy or support for your situation. Noone chooses to be fired. I query why you can’t stay on your folks couch in order to visit them without having to fork out for a hotel, or why a mattress can’t be dragged into the office? Is there a sibling you could alternatively stay with? End of the day, for your sake (if your family are kind), I want you to be able to enjoy a catch up with your family but I feel like having them apply guilt to you without helping you in a difficult circumstance isn’t exactly kindness. So you’re well within your rights not to go. Go with what’s in your heart and if you go, take care of yourself.
NTA As a mother, I would be helping you not complaining about the fact that you are barely holding on financially.
NTA, your family seems to be guilt tripping you. If I were in your position, I would tell them family is super important to me and would love to see them but cannot make it this year as being able to eat is more important. I would also say that if they really want me to come, then opening up the couch is the least they could do. Do they not understand it isn’t as easy as when they grew up? Most of my friends are getting priced out of where they grew up as well. And props to you for getting 3 jobs and not making excuses about your learning curve.
You’re NTA. Some people have never lived paycheck to paycheck (or have forgotten what is), and it shows
If you can’t afford it, you cannot do it, end of story. Would they prefer you run ip credit card debt or fail to pay rent, or not eat?
NTA. F that noise. My mom can be pretty needy about wanting me to visit more, but if I ever told her I’d have to take gig work to afford seeing her, I know she’d pay for my train ticket.
“That’s not something I can afford, Mom.” As many times as necessary until they shut up or cough up.
If your parents want you there so badly, then they should be doing everything they can to help accommodate you to be able to afford it. If they truly can’t pay for you to come (which it sounds like they could since they own rentals that are full), then the least they could do is allow you to sleep on the couch or provide an inflatable air bed for you to stay with them. My husband and I are in our 50s and comfortable financially and still to this day when his parents invite us to their home state, they immediately offer to pay for our flights (we don’t accept). It’s not normal to me that parents don’t at least try to help, even if they can’t afford to contribute financially, they certainly could make space for you to stay with them.
NTA. An 8-hour bus ride bus motel costs are a big deal! It’s not lazy to choose a higher paying job.
Do not feel guilty about prioritizing yourself.
NTA. Your family seems very confused as to what living a state away on your own means. You are working hard. How dare your sister think you are not working hard enough taking the easy job. If she thinks helping with a wedding is an easy job she is off her rocker. Mom will have to get over it. Tell them next year will be better for you as you will have more time to plan and save. Don’t ever let anyone speak down about the jobs you choose or the amount you work. They are not in your shoes.
NTA. It makes no sense that your family expects you to visit when you’re struggling. They are obviously financially stable, so they have no right to tell you that you need to somehow find the money to visit when you’re struggling.
It is not your fault that you can’t afford to visit. Your family clearly has no idea how hard things are for people your age.
Your mistake is that you’re letting them decide what you can do. You can’t afford to visit and you need to communicate that. It is beyond ridiculous that you have to pay for a motel and take an eight-hour bus ride to see them. They need to visit you in future so that you can work enough hours. I assume they have a car so they’ll reach you much more quickly than you’ll reach them.
Your sister is crazy. You don’t have options if you’re spending eight hours of your time on a bus. You need to realize that they’re too privileged to understand. That’s OK. They don’t have to understand. That doesn’t mean you have to hurt yourself financially to do what they want. Focus on saving money so you can improve your life. Good luck.
I really hope that this is bullshit because your family is simply awful.
You are NTA.
You are making very responsible choices with very limited resources. Please be very proud of yourself. It would be unwise for you to sabotage yourself by attending this vacation.
Your mother is an animal. She will not allow you to sleep in her home when you make the 8 hour bus trip to visit and refuses to subsidize your trip but has the unmitigated gall to complain that you are not attending.
Gross.
I have a child your age. He is well established and I still insist on covering his costs when we vacation together because I am the mom. He works hard and is making excellent choices. I want the very best for him and I want his savings to continue to grow. And even with me treating, I do not expect him to attend every vacation. He has so far, but I know that will not always be the case. It is my privilege to have him and I thank him for coming.
Please keep working hard and doing what serves your best interests. I am proud of you!