I (29F) am a bridesmaid in my friend’s (27F) wedding, and I’m so honored to be part of it! She’s a great friend and I’m really excited for her big day. That said… being a bridesmaid these days is not cheap.
Between the dress, shoes, hair and makeup, bachelorette trip, bridal shower gift, and the cost of staying at the venue for the weekend, I’ve already spent around $1,900. I expected some of it, but it’s definitely added up fast.
Now the couple has told us they’re not doing a registry and are instead asking for contributions to their honeymoon fund. I totally get it, and I want to give something, but at this point what I can afford feels almost embarrassing.
Would it be awful if I didn’t contribute to the honeymoon fund at all?
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I (29F) am a bridesmaid in my friend’s (27F) wedding, and I’m so honored to be part of it! She’s a great friend and I’m really excited for her big day. That said… being a bridesmaid these days is not cheap.
Between the dress, shoes, hair and makeup, bachelorette trip, bridal shower gift, and the cost of staying at the venue for the weekend, I’ve already spent around $1,900. I expected some of it, but it’s definitely added up fast.
Now the couple has told us they’re not doing a registry and are instead asking for contributions to their honeymoon fund. I totally get it, and I want to give something, but at this point what I can afford feels almost embarrassing.
Would it be awful if I didn’t contribute to the honeymoon fund at all?
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Do not go into debt for a friend’s wedding. She should have many of friends of the family for this who have not spent all you have so far.
Just give $50 and call it a day
NTA being a bridesmaid is the gift
Weddings are ridiculous these days.
We had a small wedding, paid for everything ourselves, asked for no gifts.
In the knowledge that just travelling across the country to our wedding is expense enough for most.
Don’t feel bad. Give what you can afford, even if that is nothing.
I honestly think the wedding party should be told that being in our bridal party is gift enough. My goodness….$2000 is a lot of money. I would just contribute what you can. You’ve spent a lot already.
The fact that they’re asking for money for the honeymoon tells you that not even they can afford their own wedding.
Don’t give what you don’t have.
Almost $2k. Your friend should be ashamed of herself.
No, you’re not.
I am so glad that I have no friends
I would be so freaking embarrassed to ask a friend to spend $2k for the price of being in my wedding.
I assume there are thousands of lovely, reasonable weddings that are therefore too boring to feature on Reddit, but oh my God there are some doozies here.
NTA. Give what you can afford, assuming you still want to. I was raised to appreciate any gift no matter the size or amount. Crazy these days with all the requests. Honeymoon funds, baby showers after first child.
NTA. While common now, honeymoon funds and other cash grabs are tacky. Solvent people shouldn’t beg like a charity. When I got married, I absolutely insisted our bridal party didn’t get us any gifts. A friend doesn’t ask you to blow your budget for their wedding.
Your present is the contributions you’ve made as a bridesmaid. You do not have to give an additional gift.
No. You’ve already spent too much money for the honor of being a bridesmaid. Everyone else that wants to give a gift can contribute to their fund. You’ve given enough.
NTA. In my book, bridesmaids are exempt from gifts since they pay so much to stand up in the wedding.
NTA. You have already contributed enough. A friend of mine did something similar, they had a honey moon registry. They had selected different activities (e.g., ride in a helicopter) and you could contribute whatever amount to what ever activity. They didn’t do all the other stuff though, a simple outdoor ceremony and reception afterward.
As far as the weddings I’ve been invited to (as a guest,) it’s been pretty solidly understood that the wedding party doesn’t buy gifts for the bride & groom unless it’s a symbolic one that’s very personal.
The wedding party puts a lot of money into the wedding as it is, and are not intended to continue throwing money at the couple.
If I’m a bridesmaid I don’t give a gift. Being a bridesmaid is actually a lot of work and really expensive so that’s gift enough. My husband and his friends made a pact to not do gifts, mostly because we were all getting married the same year and it would have literally just been giving the same money back and forth.
Does a bridal shower gift, not count as a wedding gift? Honest question bc I always thought it did
NTA. Simply give a heartfelt card.
If she says a single word, give her an itemized list of all expenses you have paid towards the wedding with “your gift.”
You’re not responsible for their honeymoon. If they can’t afford it, they need to wait. $1900 already for a wedding that isn’t yours is too much in my opinion.
My niece had a honeymoon fund. They’ve never gone on that honeymoon.
I’m amazed at how crazy weddings have gotten. We’re approaching my 20th anniversary.
My bridesmaids paid for a shower gift, a wedding gift, and their dress. I chose a color at David’s Bridal and told them to pick out any style they wanted, just keep it that color. They each chose a different style that looked nice on them and the wedding photos are beautiful.
I bought my bridal party jewelry and there were favors at the wedding. It wasn’t all gimme, gimme, gimme. I didn’t ask anyone to pay for a vacation; I paid for my honeymoon myself.
If very wealthy people can afford to ask their bridesmaids & groomsmen to pay for vacations, that’s fine, but middle class people need to stop trying to act like the rich. They are only alienating their friends by doing this. Sure, every bride wants to feel like “queen for a day,” but you can still feel like the star of the show without spending into oblivion.
You’ve already spent $1900 towards her wedding, if you can’t afford to spend more for the honeymoon, don’t.
When I was a bridesmaid I gifted the couple money (in the currency of where they were going for their honeymoon) that would cover a nice meal out. It’s easy to research how much a meal for 2 and a bottle of wine is in a certain country. I think it worked out about £20 or so. They had told us not to worry about gifts but I was brought up that you do give gifts.
If you do contribute to this scam, make sure you write up a contract and get her to sign it, that when the marriage inevitably fails, you get ALL your money back. Or at least half.
Yikes
Absolutely don’t give another penny
Is it an honor to be part of the wedding or an expensive burden?
Wedding gifts can be given up to a year after the wedding so if it looks weird go with ‘my friendship means a lot so wanted to find something unique’ as your reasoning for not contributing.
Also if the bride wants the wedding party to get hair and make up they usually pay, at least that’s my experience. $1900 is too much. Plus all your PTO. I always wonder how anyone could be in two weddings (as a bridesmaid) in 1 year with these types of expectations.
NTA.
You are already spending almost 2K for a relationship that has 50% chance of failing. If they can afford to have a wedding, they can pay for their honeymoon.
Why do so many couples treat their weddings like a cash grab and shame their friends into contributing? It’s so tacky!
Whatever you would have spent on a wedding gift for them ~ whatever you can afford, whether that’s $5, $25, or $100 ~ that’s what you should give to her honeymoon fund. And if you weren’t planning on getting them a gift because you have already spent almost $2,000 on her wedding, then give nothing. If your friend has to ask you (and has the nerve to ask you) why you didn’t give them a gift, tell her you did: You spent thousands of dollars just to be in her wedding, and you were tapped out, so your investment into the wedding has to be enough for her.
Brides these days are out of their minds. The expenditures are outrageous, and the brides feel un-embarrassingly entitled to it.
I think all of that is a stupid traditional, and it’s rude to expect your friends to extend themselves that way. Have a small wedding, and if you want a honeymoon gifted, that’s your wedding gifts, cash or Visa cards. Still seems tacky to me. Plan for a marriage and your life, shoot, ask for your wedding gifts to be towards for a home if you’re asking for cash. I knew a couple who bought a home but asked for Lowes and Home Depot gift cards for their projects.
If you were gonna buy a gift, give them the financial equivalent. If you weren’t then don’t.
You don’t have to contribute
I would never spend that kind of money on a friend’s wedding she is a leech not a friend.
Typically the thought is that being in the wedding is your gift considering how much it costs these days.
You’ve already spent almost $2k on this wedding, that’s more than enough. You are not obligated to help fund her honeymoon, too.
You are a bridesmaid. You don’t have e to give them anything. The group of you can get the couple a gift.
Did she specifically ask you to give money to her as a gift, or are you asking us if it’s okay for you to opt out of gift giving because you can’t afford it? I think you can opt out and give them a nice written message in a card. No need to gift.
That’s almost half of what I spent on my entire wedding 🤦🏽♀️
NTA – You aren’t a guest at her wedding. You are part of the wedding party who has spent a ridiculous amount of money for the privilege.
She has guests that are attending that she wants to fund her honeymoon. Fine, that’s her choice, but it doesn’t mean that you should shell out more money.
She should be grateful that you were willing to spend $1,900 to be a bridesmaid. You should have declined the offer and just been a guest. This way, you could have contributed to her honeymoon fund and saved a lot more money.
Just don’t contribute, and when she comes back and calls you selfish and greedy, you can say, “There nothing about spending $1,900 to being a bridesmaid in your wedding that is selfish or greedy!”
If, no when, she posts on social media to say “some people…bridesmaids…friends didn’t give a gift or directly saying you”, then I would respond with “I just ran out of money after spending $1,900 to be a bridesmaid that i couldn’t afford to help fund your honeymoon.” People will be shocked at how much you spent and how greedy she is to want more. At least, I would be.
You already spent way too much! I hate this thing going on, PAY FOR OUR HONEYMOON! Biatch, pay for your own!
Write her a lovely hand written letter, thank her for allowing you to be apart of her special day, give it to her day of (with the other gifts) or send it the day or so after the wedding, and be done.
Suggest they have a wishing well at the wedding, and put blank envelopes next to it.
Steal any pens that get placed near it.
And then when you know there’s at least one blank envelope in there, tell her you gifted it via the wishing well.
$1900 is outrageous! Years ago there were no bachelorette trips – just a simple fun night out. Bmaids probably spent around $400 total on everything – sometimes if that. Just give a card and that’s it.
You’ve already given plenty. Enjoy the occasion!
Your friend is very tacky I would not donate to this. You’ve given them enough
NTA. Weddings are just out of hand anymore.
Your friends actually sound superficial and uninteresting as hell.
If they were doing a registry, would you have purchased a gift? I’m not a fan of the “honeymoon fund” trend, but if that’s what they are doing and you would have purchased a gift, I think you should do something.
I hate honeymoon funds. You want a honeymoon of your dreams? Pay for it yourself. “Pay for us to have x experience in Bora Bora.” No, that’s all on you. Feel free to use the cash you get at the wedding for this purpose but otherwise don’t ask me. OP, you’ve spent $1900 on being part of her wedding aesthetic and celebration(s), that’s gift enough.
If your friend complains about whatever you gift her, and IMO, you’ve done more than enough already, remind her of that $1900 you’ve already spent to make her day special.
I would give $100 and call it a day or even buy a Mr. And Mrs. Wine glasses and a glass of wine probs will be under $50 and call it a day.
Wow!!! We were very open to attire for bridal party, just general guidelines and colors.
Our entire cost for the wedding, including food, venue, music, and everything else was around $1,700. That’s it!!
I’m so fucking sick of wedding culture. It is out of fucking control.
Outrageous!!!!!!
You’ve been mandated to spend $2,000?
I’ll never understand bachelorette trips. Completely out of line to insist people pay so much money to stand up next to them (the bride).
Expecting someone to pay for a dress that at this point I don’t even think it’s possible for it to be under $300 with alterations… That goes into the price of what brides insist their bridesmaids pay for the “honor” of standing next to them?
This world is so selfish and demanding.
I saw once bride post about how horrible she thinks it is that so much money is required for attendants. This bride stupid want a vacation worky her friends… So she paid for every penny. She wasn’t looking to be the focus of anything, she wanted to spend time with those who have supported and loved her unconditionally in her life. She also paid for dresses, shoes, jewelry, hair, make-up… All of it because she only wanted to have her friends with her.
Your friend has crossed boundaries so far beyond the line it’s absolutely beyond my comprehension.
Updateme
I agree with the others that you are NTA and shouldn’t go into debt for someone else’s wedding.
That being said honeymoon fund vs gifts is a perfectly reasonable request for a couple to make. It’s a great way to get an amazing experience with your new partner instead of stuff you might not actually want or need. They’re not setting a minimum, just give what you can in lieu of physical gifts. And it sounds like you’ve given all you can already and shouldn’t feel bad about that.
“the couple has told us they’re not doing a registry and are instead asking for contributions to their honeymoon fund.”
—Give them the value of whatever gift you were going to get them.
No. You’re giving her your time andoney as a bridesmaid.
If she’s imposing professional hair and makeup, she should pay.
Your friend is selfish.
Absolutely don’t give them a wedding gift; first, they need to have a registry for the shower as that’s a physical gift; second, asking for money is tacky af; third, nobody has an obligation to fund their honeymoon. If they can’t afford one they don’t go.
Brides these days are ridiculous. Bachelorette was never supposed to be a junket on the Bridesmaids dime. It’s supposed to be dinner and bar hopping, not a weekend.
I hope you’re not paying for her whole weekend. Gursts splitting dinner and buying drinks one night is enough
Sounds like tight uni students trying to live lavishly.
No you wouldn’t be awful. There has to be a limit to how much money people are supposed to spend celebrating someone’s life choices. Jfc.