I(33F) took in my niece(21F) when she was 13. My niece lived with my mom, who passed from cancer and I was given custody until my sister(38F) could be reevaluated. She had lost custody due to drug addiction. CPS cleared my sister for custody, but she had relapsed as a coping mechanism when we lost our mom so my niece stayed with me.
Now, I never let my niece call me Mom. I was her aunt. I would provide for her. I wanted her to know I had her back and she could tell me anything, there would be no judgement, just support. My friends would refer to her as my daughter and I would correct them and say she’s my niece, but my friends would respond, “Say what you want, but you’re her mom.” I would just brush them off, albeit with a bit of pride in myself.
My niece had a daughter this year, and my sister is back in her life. She’s been clean for 2 years and in recovery. She wants to be the grandma that our mom could never be to my niece because she had to raise her instead. I think this is great and I am excited to finally be the cool aunt.
We had a party at my house recently and my friend asks “How’s my favorite GILF doing?” Using the acronym for Mother I’d Like to F*** but replacing the Mother with Grandma. I answered her question, the conversation moves on, and the party continues. Afterwards, my sister approaches me and asks why my friend called me a GILF and I say they have jokingly called me a Grandma ever since we found out my niece was pregnant. She made a face of disgust stating, “But you’re not a grandmother. I’m baby’s name‘s grandma. You’re just her aunt.” I replied, “I know that but I was just excited to see her I guess, it wasn’t a priority to remind her.” I shrugged it off trying to imply it wasn’t a big deal but my sister did not let it go. “Well I find that rude considering I was right there. I’m the grandmother. You should have said something.” My niece overheard and tried to tell her that it wasn’t a big deal and that they were my friends and they always said stuff like that. When my sister asked for her to explain, my niece told her about how they referred to my niece as my daughter. This only upset her more, “She’s not your daughter. She is my daughter. I made the hard decision to let her stay with you because you could give her things that I never could but that does not make you her mother.” My niece still tried to defend me but my sister wouldn’t hear any of it. She took the baby in her carseat and went outside to wait for my niece to go home as she had gotten a ride to my house from her. I gave my niece a hug goodbye and told her not to worry about it, that my sister would get over it.
It’s been a few weeks, she has not responded to my messages. I can’t help but feel she’s making a mountain out of a molehill. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to take her spot. She has worked hard to get where she’s at and I’m happy for her progress. Should I have just corrected my friend like I always do?
So AITA?
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I(33F) took in my niece(21F) when she was 13. My niece lived with my mom, who passed from cancer and I was given custody until my sister(38F) could be reevaluated. She had lost custody due to drug addiction. CPS cleared my sister for custody, but she had relapsed as a coping mechanism when we lost our mom so my niece stayed with me.
Now, I never let my niece call me Mom. I was her aunt. I would provide for her. I wanted her to know I had her back and she could tell me anything, there would be no judgement, just support. My friends would refer to her as my daughter and I would correct them and say she’s my niece, but my friends would respond, “Say what you want, but you’re her mom.” I would just brush them off, albeit with a bit of pride in myself.
My niece had a daughter this year, and my sister is back in her life. She’s been clean for 2 years and in recovery. She wants to be the grandma that our mom could never be to my niece because she had to raise her instead. I think this is great and I am excited to finally be the cool aunt.
We had a party at my house recently and my friend asks “How’s my favorite GILF doing?” Using the acronym for Mother I’d Like to F** but replacing the Mother with Grandma. I answered her question, the conversation moves on, and the party continues. Afterwards, my sister approaches me and asks why my friend called me a GILF and I say they have jokingly called me a Grandma ever since we found out my niece was pregnant. She made a face of disgust stating, “But you’re not a grandmother. I’m baby’s name*’s grandma. You’re just her aunt.” I replied, “I know that but I was just excited to see her I guess, it wasn’t a priority to remind her.” I shrugged it off trying to imply it wasn’t a big deal but my sister did not let it go. “Well I find that rude considering I was right there. I’m the grandmother. You should have said something.” My niece overheard and tried to tell her that it wasn’t a big deal and that they were my friends and they always said stuff like that. When my sister asked for her to explain, my niece told her about how they referred to my niece as my daughter. This only upset her more, “She’s not your daughter. She is my daughter. I made the hard decision to let her stay with you because you could give her things that I never could but that does not make you her mother.” My niece still tried to defend me but my sister wouldn’t hear any of it. She took the baby in her carseat and went outside to wait for my niece to go home as she had gotten a ride to my house from her. I gave my niece a hug goodbye and told her not to worry about it, that my sister would get over it.
It’s been a few weeks, she has not responded to my messages. I can’t help but feel she’s making a mountain out of a molehill. I don’t want her to think I’m trying to take her spot. She has worked hard to get where she’s at and I’m happy for her progress. Should I have just corrected my friend like I always do?
So AITA?
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> I might be the asshole for not correcting my friend when she called me a grandmother to my niece’s child in front of the actual grandmother.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but your sister sure is!
You were your niece’s mother in every way that mattered. If your niece had wanted to call you mom, that would be her right. If your niece wants you to be thought of as this baby’s grandmother, that is also her right. Your sister needs to stop making this all about her, or she’s not going to have any relationship with her daughter or grandchild.
NAH
People handle family titles differently. I know someone families were everyone in the grandparent’s generation is “grandma” and “grandpa.” Some people want to choose different/unique names to be called instead of just grandma/grandpa. How much significance is behind the name.. also varies for each person.
What your friend said was a funny joke and had no actual implication that you were the real grandma. I would call your sister TA but considering her situation and history with this subject, i am going to give her a small break for her reaction because it likely is a topic of shame/embarassment for her. The fact that she is hiding, no-contact, gives me hope that she’s struggling to admit she over-reacted. It’s hard to acknowledge something when it also means admitting you (feel like you) were a failure as a parent.
OP, you and your friend did nothing wrong. I hope the sister eventually calms down and has the strength to admit she over-reacted on a touchy subject.
NTA. You’re a star for stepping up and for being such a good parent figure for your niece. Some would have let her be taken into care.
Well done.
Your sister has a long ways to go on her journey to recovery if she can’t admit that her daughter was taken away from her because of her addiction. She should be very grateful that her daughter and granddaughter have had a safe space, a secure home, a stable upbringing (latterly) with you – their bonus mother and grandmother.
If she is in denial about that, and is angry with you, she needs to do a lot more hard work.
NTA
You guys could probably do with some family therapy, and your sister needs her own therapist. Sounds like your sister is jealous but also sounds like she thinks she did you a massive favour by *letting you look after her daughter when she literally couldn’t. There’s a lot of healing to happen here, and your sister needs to learn to get over herself.
NTA. Your friends _are_ insulting your sister. But it’s hers to walk back. And it is a mountain.
I wouldn’t make a point to correct your friends every time. I would make a point to your sister that you do correct them whenever it’s easy for you. But when it’s not, it’s her battle, you can stand by her side, but not fight it for her.
Your friends are out of line pointing out your sister’s flaws, but it sounds like they want to compliment you. And ultimately it’s between her and them. Hold your ground as you have. Shitty jokes are just that. Her triggers are just that.
Your niece is lucky. It’s all that matters.
NTA. You took on a motherly role when your sister could not. As long as you’re not rubbing it in her face or trying to keep her out of a relationship with her daughter, your sister should be grateful for you.
NTA. This is way more about your sister’s insecurity than anything else. She effed up and missed out on a lot of her child’s life. So she’s wary that her place has been usurped. The only reason it really hasn’t it because of your grace.
You know the truth. Your niece knows the truth. Probably deep down even you sister knows the truth. But she’s feeling ashamed, but that shame became externalized and turned into anger against you. Stop reaching out. She’ll reply when and if she’s ready.
NTA.
I’d say N A H because I can totally empathize with how your sister is probably feeling. It sounds like she’s kinda trying to erase the past instead of making peace with it. Sobriety is hard and it sounds like she’s doing well and wants to let bygones be bygones. It’s totally reasonable that the topic of you raising your niece is a sore spot for her. You being called a grandma in front of her probably feels sort of like a “consequence” and she’s in a place where she no longer wants to feel like she needs to atone for her actions. She wanted a fresh start and to move on, so a surprise “consequence” threw her for a loop. It might also make her feel like her progress was minimized.
HOWEVER, if someone decides to seek rehabilitation, improve their life, repair relationships, etc… it doesn’t change the way people around them were affected by their behavior before they got help. So what now? Are you guys supposed to pretend you had no part in raising your niece?
Like you can’t take that shit back, but you can do your damndest to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Your sister is slightly TA for being hyper sensitive to this but I totally understand why she would feel that way.
NTA – It sounds like your sister is really hung up on this, which is not your problem. I’m sure she has a lot going on mentally. Give her some time.
Great-aunt also begins with a G…
NTA- It was a light-hearted joke and there wasn’t any need to correct it. Your sister sounds like she’s struggling with a lot of jealousy, regret, imposter syndrome, insecurity, and who knows what else. That would be my guess as to why she made a huge deal over the technicality of her relationship to your niece. You have admirably stepped in and did all the mothering work she couldn’t do at the time.
She needs to be aware of her reactiveness and make sure she’s get ample therapy to work through all of her stuff. Getting clean was only the first step of many. She’s not ever going to be the mom/grandma she wants to be if she doesn’t deal with the rest of her stuff. She’ll continue to alienate you, her daughter, and who knows who else if she doesn’t get help.
NTA, your sister chose herself when she made the decisions that led her to lose her daughter, she was never a mother, she is now playing grandma but with her attitude it looks like anything she doesn’t like could be used as an excuse to push her down that slippery slope.
It’s hard looking after a child, you have love, emotional support, financial support and helped her navigate life. You actually mothered her. You sister didn’t go from loving parent one day overnight when the girl was 13. It would have been years of stress and neglect for the child.
She can’t just walk in and place a label on her collar and take over and expect everyone else to walk on eggshells around her. She made those decisions and she needs to own that.
She is TA
I am not going to say YTA or NTA.
It doesn’t matter what anyone but your niece thinks. If she wants you to be called grandma and it doesn’t bother you then so be it.
One of my nieces was raised by a different sister and she calls her mom. She knows that it is not her birth mom but that doesn’t matter. As an adult she is choosing to still call her mom and now calls her grandma.
My daughter has a friend that calls me mom because she sees me as more of a mom than her mom. She has never lived with me. And now I get the pleasure of calling her daughter my granddaughter.
So what does the niece want?
NTA
If someone calls you with inappropriate name and you don’t mind, there’s no cause for a third party to take offense.
That being said, you might tell your firends to knock it off or tone the remarks when your sister is around. She clearly is insecure, and better not fuel that flame. Since the bio mom finds it offensive, a more considerate tone would save everyone unnecessary headaches.
Your friends WBTA if they keep up with the mom-granny thing whilst knowing your sis takes offense on that.
Your sister is being angry defensive because her own actions (I know being an addict is not a choice), ment that she was not safe to have custody of her child and she probably feels guilty and angry with herself.
Having said that, if someone calls you mum or grandmother, she should let it go. Seems like you have been niece’s primary caretaker for about half her life, of course some will think of you as her mum.
NTA. You’re stepped up and took care of niece and are the grandmother in a way. However your sister could feel undermined and insecure, and like she has to make up for lost time. It would take a minute to throw it at her face but it isn’t worth it. You’ve dealt with this so far with waaaaaay more grace than many would have.
Talk to your niece and suggest she and her mom go to family therapy…and maybe you can join them later on. Some big feelings need to be dealt with so the grandbaby can have all the great women in their family together.