So I think I might be a sociopath. I honestly don’t care about things unless they affect me directly.
Here’s the situation: My wife’s mom was just diagnosed with cancer, and it’s really bad. Everyone in the family has been crying nonstop it’s loud, messy, sobbing. While I’m just sitting there annoyed because the crying gives me a headache. Do I think it sucks that she has cancer? Yes. Do I wish she didn’t have to go through chemo? Of course. But at the same time, her diagnosis doesn’t change my life directly, so I don’t feel the need to cry about it.
It’s the same thing with my brother. He’s in the hospital right now and probably not going to make it. Everyone else is bawling, but I just feel awkward. I care about him, I don’t want him to die, and I know I’ll be devastated when he does but I don’t feel like crying now. The only person I’ve ever cried over was my dad passing. Otherwise, I just think, “well, that sucks” and move on. Crying just gives me a headache.
My family and in-laws are starting to look at me and notice I’m not acting like everyone else. I don’t know how to turn on my “I care face” I know it sounds heartless but I do not see the need to completely fall apart like they do. I don’t see what good crying does, it doesn’t change anything.
So am I an asshole for not crying or showing emotions when my family members are dealing with cancer?
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So I think I might be a sociopath. I honestly don’t care about things unless they affect me directly.
Here’s the situation: My husband’s mom was just diagnosed with cancer, and it’s really bad. Everyone in the family has been crying nonstop it’s loud, messy, sobbing. While I’m just sitting there annoyed because the crying gives me a headache. Do I think it sucks that she has cancer? Yes. Do I wish she didn’t have to go through chemo? Of course. But at the same time, her diagnosis doesn’t change my life directly, so I don’t feel the need to cry about it.
It’s the same thing with my brother. He’s in the hospital right now and probably not going to make it. Everyone else is bawling, but I just feel awkward. I care about him, I don’t want him to die, and I know I’ll be devastated when he does but I don’t feel like crying now. The only person I’ve ever cried over was my dad passing. Otherwise, I just think, “well, that sucks” and move on. Crying just gives me a headache.
My family and in-laws are starting to look at me like I’m I don’t know how to turn on my “I care face” I know it sounds heartless but I do not see the need to completely fall apart like they do. I don’t see what good crying does, it doesn’t change anything.
So am I an asshole for not crying or showing emotions when my family members are dealing with cancer?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I am showing no remorse or sympathy for my family that has cancer.
2. It makes me an asshole because I’m not showing any emotions about it and I don’t really care that much and my family notices
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. To each their own.
NTA.
We all process grief differently. Crying doesn’t imply greater levels of empathy or care.
There’s a different between crying, and not caring and acting like it. It sounds like you are the later. Yes, that pretty much inherently makes you an asshole. You can minimize that by trying to be useful if you want people to keep you around. No one wants someone who is a blubbering mess, that’s super disingenuous and you know it.
NTA. Everyone processes grief differently. Some cry, some get angry, and some become numb. It sounds to me like you’re one of those who becomes numb but thinks you don’t care. Just try to help out with tasks that need doing and try to be useful.
NTA. You’re not wrong for how you feel emotions, even if that’s differently from other people. If people question you, tell them that you deal with your emotions privately, and move on. Right now, what you can do is focus on being a source of support for your loved ones who aren’t handling their emotions as well.
If you are feeling so different from those around you that it’s really bothering you, then it might be worth talking to a therapist about it. But only if you’re feeling uneasy or upset by feeling different.
you aren’t an asshole for not crying, but if you have the same attitude as your post it would probably seem insensitive.
maybe you can use this time to offer other sorts of support for the family, such as volunteering to do some chores, cook/provide a meal, etc.
NTA. When my MIL passed unexpectedly I cried a lot and my husband didn’t cry at all. Everyone processes differently. I tend to cry over the smallest thing, like the sad dog commercials, so I physically reacted more than my husband did, who just went into more of a frozen state of shock and didn’t obviously react visibly.
Neither one of us was wrong, just our bodies responded differently.
There’s a difference between not crying and not caring. I actually get upset about things, but I don’t cry. My father died when he was 97 years old. There was a hospice nurse at the house, and I felt odd, because I didn’t cry. I loved him, I cared that he wouldn’t be there anymore. But I knew it was coming. I don’t know if the nurse judged me for not crying. It was the same when my 17 year old dog had to be put to sleep. It was 2 o’clock in the morning and I just stood there. I don’t know if the vet judged me. Everyone handles these things differently.
NTA, you can’t help how you feel. but if you suspect you’re a sociopath, therapy is essential. Otherwise you are way more likely to end up engaging in harmful behaviours and get yourself into trouble – because you don’t have that built-in system that’s designed to stop you. Whether you care or not, you ARE obligated to be a decent member of society. It’s important to remember that.
I mean, you’re not an asshole for not crying, but the wording of this post kinda comes across as you aren’t being very sensitive to the feelings of the people around you. If that’s not the case and you’re offering your support to your wife and family then that’s totally fine. But it is important to support and care for the people we love, even if grief isn’t hitting you the same way as them.
YTA I wouldn’t say you are an AH for not crying. I will say you are one for being a crappy husband. Your wife’s mother is dying and your thoughts are that it doesn’t change your life at all? I am guessing it changes your wife’s life, do you not care at all about that? How do you intend to support her emotionally?
Cry, don’t cry. Have feelings or don’t. But being so put upon and annoyed by other people being upset and expressing their feelings is what makes you an AH. You seem to have no affection or respect for the people around and what they are going through.
You kinda buried the lede here with your brother being in the hospital, unlikely to survive. I am going to gently suggest that your annoyance with your in-laws’ crying is possibly related to your feelings about that, feelings you’re putting in a box so you can function while your brother is dying. NTA. You are doing your best, but you have your own shit to deal with, and it is perfectly understandable that you’re inwardly losing patience with people wailing and rending garments at someone being sick with something possibly survivable, while your brother is likely dying.
PTSD can blunt your feelings too. You don’t sound (from this short post) cruel or narcissistic. Maybe more exhausted for some reason? Anyway, it does sound like you could use a little professional help, if only to make it easier to stand up for yourself with your family.
Not crying in sad situations doesn’t make you a sociopath. I’m neurodivergent and have very delayed reactions to sad situations, or sometimes I just don’t react at all. Especially when I’m not directly connected with the affected person.
NTA
That is, for how you are feeling. How you are acting? That is more unclear if might be in the AH territory.
Considering that you actually seem to wish people well, in your own ways? If you can afford it, it might be worth looking into learning how to behave more “normal”, as it can be a rather useful social lubricant that benefits both you and your surroundings.
everyone experiences and expresses emotions differently
I think you’re pushing aside your feelings instead of feeling them.
Everyone deals with emotions differently. I am a very caring person and I am not at all a cryer.
NTA for not crying, but an asshole for being so irritated that everyone else is. Crying doesn’t “solve anything” any more than laughing at a joke “solves anything”, it’s just a physical expression of a feeling. They’re sad and that’s what sad looks like for them. You’re reacting like they’re being bad roommates who are being messy and loud by playing music and leaving bowls around, not like they’re people who are feeling strong negative emotions. My recommendation: be as helpful as possible physically, including offering to run errands out of the house. That gets you away from some of the crying and casts you as someone who has trouble showing emotion but cares anyway. For your wife specifically you need to support her no matter what your own reactions are.
Everyone grieves differently, so you’re not the asshole for not crying. But the way you seem to be judging everybody else, crying and falling apart, giving your verbiage makes you YTA.
NTA. If you’re worried about feeling like you’re making everyone else uncomfortable with your lack of reaction you should make yourself busy. Go get everyone coffee, run errands, pick people up from the airport, feed the pets, make phonecalls. Be the go-to guy for the family.
And the best part is you’re not lying or putting on a front, you’ll actually be helpful to a family in their time of need.
YTA. Not for not crying but for regarding it as some petty annoyance that others are and most of all for the comment that it doesn’t affect your life. It’s your wife’s mother FGS. You sound like you have no empathy with others at all.
Well your wife no longer having a mother will definitely affect her and change her in ways, forever. So if it affects your wife it may affect you too? Take it from someone who lost their mom to cancer 1.5 years ago. I’m still grieving and will always grieve for the rest of my life.
And the fact that you think that when your brother dies, you’re gonna say/think “well that sucks” and just move on with your life is crazy. Like what? Isn’t that something that directly affects you?
NTA. You’re not a sociopath – that’s obvious from how you’re still caring. Everyone expresses emotions differently.
NTA but have you considered getting assessed for autism or something similar? At least speaking with a therapist
NTA. My adult son is on the spectrum and doesn’t always react to things with the same gravity as the rest of us. He’ll understand a situation is sad and that he should probably feel sad as well, but those emotions don’t come to the surface for him. I’ve told him he should try to read the room, and even if he doesn’t personally feel bad, he should show compassion for those who are hurting. Even if he doesn’t feel the same hurt. He’s ruined a few relationships because he’s pretty unemotional and has dated highly emotional and needy women. He’s not really an asshole. He’s just not the guy who’s going to feel all the feels with you.
I didn’t cry when my mom was diagnosed with cancer nor when she was hospitalized and it was near the end. I only cried when she died and grief continued to hit me hard for a while after that.
People process grief differently, sometimes hearing about someone being sick doesn’t really mean anything until they’ve passed because you can’t connect it. Sometimes it’s just because you don’t have a close enough relationship, so whilst you can acknowledge it’s sad you don’t feel emotional distraught.
However, complaining about having to hear your loved one’s grief is when you become an AH. You know what it’s like to lose a parent so you should be able to sympathise with your wife. Your mother has already lost a partner, so the prospect of losing a child as well is devastating and you should be able to understand that on a cognitive level.
You should be trying to be the support person to your loved ones who are grieving. Not annoyed by them or focused on your own lack of feeling. YTA
NTA Not all people cry when they feel bad. The ways people experience grief and sadness vary tremendously. Just because someone doesn’t cry tears, get misty, wail in anguish does not mean they are not experiencing grief or sadness.
Have you come to terms with your father’s death? You say you cried when he died, I’m wondering if you’ve developed some unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb yourself to pain due to his passing. Like feeling numb/annoyed is easier than feeling hurt or scared or sad. NTA, as long as you’re not dismissing the pain of others, and maybe you should look into therapy.
Not crying doesn’t make you a sociopath. A sociopath is someone incapable of real empathy. Most sociopaths are actually very good at blending in and pretending to be normal.
Source: I seriously questioned if I was a sociopath for years. My psychologist explained the difference to me.
YTA for not going to therapy sooner. Idk how old you are, but it sounds like you’ve got some things to work on as far as emotional maturity goes (and maybe some past issues for why you’re so adverse to having emotions, idk). But either way, it’s a big issue that you think your wife’s mother dieing won’t affect you. And you seem to be looking down on everyone as weak for having very normal feelings. You might be emotionally disconnected, but it’s not okay for you to shame others for expressing their emotions (fully warranted emotions at that)
INFO: It all depends on what you are doing instead of crying. If you are sitting there looking bored and annoyed, while judging the bawlers . . . Yeah, that’s kind of assholish. But if you are cooking meals, picking up more tissues, supporting your wife, and visiting your brother . . . Honestly, most families need someone like that who doesn’t fall apart. While I’m sure your brother appreciates how much the others care, you could be the guy he can just hang out with without it feeling like a preview of his funeral.
We all grieve differently. Sometimes, it doesn’t hit us until it is all said and done. My husband didn’t shed a tear until 2 days after we buried his dad. He went to call him and realized he couldn’t. That’s when he cried. But during that time, my FIL was sick, and the rest of us were crying. He made sure his momma and the rest of us ate, and our niece was taken care of. That things got done. He turned to taking care of others.
Just be there for your wife. Help at your in-laws if you can.
Everyone reacts differently to trauma. Doesn’t mean you’re not sad, you’re just not vocalizing your feelings. And that’s ok. When or if they pass, that may be when you need to grieve. NTA
I am leaning YTA, but not for a lack of showing emotion. People process things differently. The issue is you mention an annoyance with their way of handling this. The problem is you feel judgement for your behavior while judging theirs.
Yea, this doesn’t make you a sociopath. You’re not the AH for not crying but yes, it will affect you via your wife’s emotions.
NTA people react differently. When my father was diagnosed with cancer I didn’t cry. I supported him and my mother as best I could. Cooking meals, letting my mother download to me, keeping family updated etc. He underwent treatment and recovered, fortunately.
Everyone is different. You shouldn’t be pressured to perform grieving to someone else’s ideas of it.
That’s pretty much how I feel. I feel regret, I might cry a little, but I always have this thought in my head that I don’t care about any family member; their presence or absence won’t affect my life in any way. I don’t wish them ill will or anything like that, I just don’t feel like they matter to me and I should be particularly worried about them. Probably the only people this approach won’t work with are your partner and children.
So I understand your feelings and how others might react. The only option is to try to mask your feelings and avoid overly emotional situations. I don’t know if therapy will help or if it’s even necessary. It’s just you and your feelings.
NTA
YTA there is something seriously wrong with you. You don’t have an ounce of empathy.
No my guess is you process grief differently and that’s ok.
Actually crying allows the body to release the tension in the body that emotional pain creates. It’s therapeutic for people to cry. It exists as a function for a reason. So the fact that they’re crying is healthy actually.
I think you might need to seek a therapist because you really might be lacking in empathy as you suspect.