I (20, female) wasn’t too sad when my grandma died of cancer — but hear me out.
This happened two years ago, and it’s still bothering me. Since I was young, I never had a good relationship with my grandparents on my father’s side. My parents divorced early, and of course, my grandparents sided with their son. That meant they ignored me for most of my childhood — no calls, no interest.
My grandmother, in particular, once interfered with a job application my mom was working on. Just a really petty move. I also don’t ever remember her smiling. She smoked constantly, and when I’d complain, I was told to leave the room instead of her just putting the cigarette out.
So, overall, I never formed a deep or loving connection with them.
When I was 12, I moved in with my dad until I turned 18. He turned out to be an alcoholic — which is sadly relevant here. While I was preparing for my final exams, we got the news that my grandma had cancer. My dad broke down, and his drinking got even worse.
What struck me was that before her diagnosis, he barely cared about his parents. He was distant and rarely spoke of them. But suddenly, he acted like a heartbroken son who’d always been close to his “loving” mother.
I, on the other hand, felt mostly pity. I didn’t fake emotions — I just treated my grandma like I normally would. That annoyed my dad. Still, I took time during my exams to sit with her, hear some of her stories, and reflect a little on her life.
Then the day came: my dad came home looking shaken. I was in my room watching funny videos when he told me my grandma had passed. I wasn’t devastated — again, I mostly just pitied her, and him. Trying to calm him down, he send me to my room.
I went back to my room and messaged my best friend. She tried to cheer me up and said something like, “My grandma ghosted me too when she died,” and I couldn’t help but laugh. Side note: I’m not great at handling death, and I often cope with trauma through humor.
Unfortunately, my dad and uncle overheard the laugh. They were furious.
I tried explaining, but they wouldn’t listen. My uncle still ignores me to this day. My dad berated me constantly after that. He’d call me names and say I was heartless for laughing after my grandma’s death. Eventually, I packed up and moved back in with my mom after I couldn’t take his alcoholic bullying behaviour any longer. Even now He often calles me an asshole.
So… am I the asshole?
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NTA. ppl greive differently and u didnt even have a bond w her?? like ur dad was mad but sounds like he’s projecting or sum. also ur dad sounds toxic af tbh. laughing is a way some ppl cope so i feel u 💀. dont let them guilt u for that
NTA, grief’s a rollercoaster, you’re allowed to laugh to keep from crying. Have you ever tried journaling about it?
Your grandma might have been a chain smoker, but you were just trying to light up the situation with laughter. Sometimes humor is the best way to deal with awkward family dynamics.
No one else gets to dictate how, or even whether or not, you grieve.
Personally, I think your dad and uncle are assholes. Just like your grandmother.
You are not the asshole. Your feelings are your own and no one else is entitled to them. Period.
Humor is a common way to deal with trauma, there is whole genre called Gallows Humor. I am sure I am a bit older than you, all of my Grandparents have passed. I don’t really recall crying. My Grandfather died of cancer and it was pretty miserable. There can be relief in the cessation of suffering.
“My grandma ghosted me too” is gold.
I didn’t really cry when my grandparents passed – at least not for my grandma. She made my mom’s life tough, and, by proxy (eldest daughter of divorced parents), my life tough as well. Losing a parent is different than losing a grandparent, especially one who you didn’t have a deep connection with, so I totally understand your point of view, and you’re definitely NTA. Your dad and uncle tho? Big time a-holes.
NTA. People grieve differently and laughter through tears is generally acceptable. Your father and uncle’s reactions were unwarranted. I’ve been to many a funeral where someone tells a funny story about the deceased and everyone laughs. Or while giving the eulogy.
I tend to cry when going to funerals of my friends’ relatives, even if I didn’t know them but somehow, barely cried at my own mother’s funeral. I think I knew I had to be strong as my sister was a mess. The weeks afterward, bawl central.
If your grandma was more of a chain-smoking ghost than a loving matriarch, I think you deserve an award for not rolling your eyes at the funeral.
Everyone grieves differently and you don’t have to feel bad if you do or don’t cry.
I loved my grandparents more than anything. I was so close to them growing up.
I cried very briefly when I found out my grandad was dying, i mean like some tears then stopped myself. When I got the call a week later I didn’t cry.
When my grandmother had a stroke I didn’t cry – felt like she could recover etc and was just worried for her, when she didn’t really recover it was a long process and when she finally did pass it felt like she had actually been gone a long time so I didn’t cry that I can remember.
My wife has never actually seen me cry. Just because I don’t doesn’t mean I don’t miss my grandparents and didn’t love them – I just can’t really let myself cry like that. My wife cries easily when things like this happen.
You shouldn’t feel bad if you don’t grieve the same way as others – there’s no right or wrong way.
I mean, she had cancer. It wasn’t like it was a major shock that she died. You’d had time to prepare for it. Also, inappropriate as it may be, laughter and tears are sometimes interchangeable. I know just recently I got some good news and I ran around screaming for about ten seconds before breaking down into sobs.
I think your dad and uncle have latched on to this to cope with their feelings. It doesn’t sound like they had a good relationship with their mother, so it’s easier to be mad at you for an inappropriate response than to assess their actual feelings on her loss.
He needs to take a page from your book on coping mechanisms. If only he could laugh it off instead of pouring another drink.
Supporting a dying relative – especially when the relationship has been difficult – is a selfless and courageous act. Her death was not a surprise so you had time to grieve while her health declined. Your father’s treatment is abhorrent. His behavior is possibly due to either guilt, alcohol. or both. To the best of your ability, ignore his behavior. The joke is funny and I will likely borrow it.
NTA. I was sad when my maternal grandmother died, but she had cancer and I had already accepted her death. The oldies were devastated as it was their mom or MIL and they all had a fantastic relationship with her, but much as I deeply loved her too, I’d already come to terms with it. My paternal grandmother was a monster and I barely knew her, and when we found out she had died none of us did more than go “that’s sad”.
Your dad is an Ahole for a vast number of reasons, and his opinion isn’t worth the energy to even listen to. Just because someone has died doesn’t change your opinion of them. They don’t suddenly become nice people because they’ve gone. Your paternal side sounds like mine. Dad wasn’t too bad though he was a difficult man at times, but he did love us and took his responsibilities to mom and us seriously. His family on the other hand are very self centered and unless you are useful to them they ghost you. I haven’t seen hide nor hair of his siblings or my cousins since dad died 15 years ago. I certainly won’t waste my tears on them when they die.
Grandma ghosted me is pure gold and I WISH someone had said that to me at my grandmas funeral last year on my birthday. I have a dark sense of humour and would have busted out laughing, believe me, I needed that. No love your most certainly are not the asshole, your dad and uncle are though.
No! sometimes you process the pain early on and not everyone cries.
NTA. Your friend was just trying to cheer you up. On top of that, what is there to grieve, really? If you never liked her, never had a relationship… And like everyone else has said here, everyone grieves differently. When my great grandma died, I felt nothing, even though I was pretty close with her. I just don’t really experience grief in that way. I suspect I’m neurodivergent so it might have to do with that. I didn’t cry, even at the funeral. That doesn’t mean I hated her or didn’t care about her.
You’re better off just ignoring your dad, or going NC if it’s really bothering you that badly