I (32F) feel stuck between my husband (34M) and my family, and I don’t know if I handled this the right way.
My brother (30s) has always been the golden child in my mom’s eyes. He has several kids but barely parents them. My mom (60s) watches his children constantly while he sleeps, plays video games, or just disappears. Any time someone brings up how unfair this is, she makes excuses like “he’s just tired” or “he’s doing his best.” He rarely shows up to help, and everyone is expected to tiptoe around it.
Recently things got worse. My husband owns his own business and works hard to provide for our family. After a dumb disagreement with my brother, my brother actually threatened my husband’s business. Like straight-up said he’d mess with it. Not even in a joking way.
Then, he demanded my husband return the furniture we had bought and given him. This was stuff we purchased to help him when he was going through a tough time. It wasn’t a loan. It was a gift. But suddenly he was acting like we owed him something.
So yeah – my husband got mad. He made a comment about how my brother doesn’t do anything, never helps with his own kids, and how my mom constantly enables him. It was honest. Maybe a little harsh, but not inaccurate.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t defend my brother because honestly, my husband was right. I’ve felt that way for years but always kept quiet to avoid drama.
Later, my mom pulled me aside and told me I should have stood up for my brother. She said I let my husband “disrespect family” and accused me of changing since I got married. She made me feel like I betrayed them by not taking my brother’s side.
Now I feel completely torn. My husband is working hard, doing his part, and constantly getting disrespected. But my mom acts like I should cover for my brother no matter what.
So, AITA for not defending my brother when my husband called him out?
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I (32F) feel stuck between my husband (34M) and my family, and I don’t know if I handled this the right way.
My brother (30s) has always been the golden child in my mom’s eyes. He has several kids but barely parents them. My mom (60s) watches his children constantly while he sleeps, plays video games, or just disappears. Any time someone brings up how unfair this is, she makes excuses like “he’s just tired” or “he’s doing his best.” He rarely shows up to help, and everyone is expected to tiptoe around it.
Recently things got worse. My husband owns his own business and works hard to provide for our family. After a dumb disagreement with my brother, my brother actually threatened my husband’s business. Like straight-up said he’d mess with it. Not even in a joking way.
Then, he demanded my husband return the furniture we had bought and given him. This was stuff we purchased to help him when he was going through a tough time. It wasn’t a loan. It was a gift. But suddenly he was acting like we owed him something.
So yeah – my husband got mad. He made a comment about how my brother doesn’t do anything, never helps with his own kids, and how my mom constantly enables him. It was honest. Maybe a little harsh, but not inaccurate.
I didn’t say anything. I didn’t defend my brother because honestly, my husband was right. I’ve felt that way for years but always kept quiet to avoid drama.
Later, my mom pulled me aside and told me I should have stood up for my brother. She said I let my husband “disrespect family” and accused me of changing since I got married. She made me feel like I betrayed them by not taking my brother’s side.
Now I feel completely torn. My husband is working hard, doing his part, and constantly getting disrespected. But my mom acts like I should cover for my brother no matter what.
So, AITA for not defending my brother when my husband called him out?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Because I did not defend my brother
2) my mom confronted me about it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It was your brother who disrespected family by threatening your husband’s business. Your husband just stood up for himself. About time someone stood up to your brother.
Might ask your mother if it was OK with her that your brother threatened your husband’s business. And tell your mother that she let you down by not standing up for your husband. Because that’s what really happened. The rest was just aftermath.
NTA. Your brother doesn’t need you to defend him. He’s got your mom for that.
NTA, Your married, your responsibility is to your husband.
Edit NTA see responses
YTA
First, you have let this fester for many years. Second, you didn’t actively defend your husband. Your brother made a direct, real threat to your livelihood—yours, your husbands and any future kids.
You didn’t need to defend your brother, you needed to defend your husband. “I didn’t say anything” is not enough.
NTA — If you don’t speak up you are also part the problem.
Who betrayed Who? — Bro disrespects his mom gaming & sleeping, threatening his ‘family’ via your husband/(yours) business, being a lack-luster dad, — If he could manage to show up in life like most of us he might gain clarity his false entitlement equals he’s an AH.
Everything your husband said is true. Mom is OK having your ‘family’ income destroyed due to his meddling?! Now is the time to tell her this then put it in writing.
ESH except your husband.
The only reason your husband has any association with your family is you. He could otherwise cut your brother and mother out of his life at a moment’s notice. You are the reason they are his problem.
So it’s your responsibility to deal with them, not leave that to him. You should have been proactive in defending your husband, not leaving him to fight for himself. You have kept quiet about your brother’s obvious problems and that silence has only emboldened the situation. The answer to ‘he’s doing his best,’ by the way, is, ‘then that’s not good enough, and he needs to do better.’
NTA. Your husband is your family, and you did not disrespect him. But your brother did. Hold your ground; you are in the right.
Did you set your mom straight on what happened? If not then that’s a problem. Brother is AH and I would go no contact with him.
NTA. If your husband told the truth then why would you back your brother. Your mother needs to stop coddling your brother and his behaviour.
“Disrespect family”? Since when is your husband NOT family? NTA. Your brother’s an AH and your mom is out of line.
Your husband is your family. Did your mom go to your wedding? There’s a lot of paperwork and vows you went through that make him the person you stand with in any situation.
Also, his business is very important to your life, I’m sure.
What does standing up for your loser brother gain you exactly?
Be careful with your brother. Miserable people with nothing to lose are dangerous.
NTA Your loyalty is ALWAYS to YOU’RE family, your husband & children. Even if he were wrong, you choose your husband. However, in this case, he could not possibly be more correct. He’s also very correct about your brother taking advantage of all of you! Him being sick of it is wildly correct! He wants to protect his family first! Again, he’s correct. It’s time for both of you to draw a hard line with your brother & mother. Your brother never has & surely isn’t your problem. You deserve no responsibility in his being a failure at life. Also, your mom doesn’t get to try to lay any of her enabling on you. All of this is wholly his problem & her problem!
To protect yourself & family, who were more than generous with him, you may have to cut off contact.
It’s hard to set boundaries, tell your family what they are & maintain them. Your husband sounds like he’d completely support this.
You have a good husband. You both deserve to be safe from an abject looser. I hope you get this sorted quickly.
Your first loyalty is to your husband. That’s what you agreed to when you married him. It certainly isn’t to your miscreant of a brother; nor to your enabling mother.
I feel bad for your husband—there shouldn’t even be a question in his mind about whether you’d back him.
Stop letting your mother manipulate you!
NTAH, but you need to stop with the half-hearted effort for your husband and get solidly and assertively behind him. Your brother doesn’t need access to you or your life after making threats like that, and I’d give mom a long timeout, at least.
No u are definitely NTA, someone had to give them a reality check even tho it seems it flew past them. Stand by your husband, your husband IS your family PERIOD.
Set your mother straight next. NTA
Weird. I dont get it. Did you marry your husband or your brother?
Why aren’t you defending your husband? Why do you feel like he deserves to be treated like this by your family?
Did you choose to create a family with your husband or not? Because this all sounds like he’s some outsider to your “real” family, and thats not what marriage is.
YTA.
Ask your mother factually what did your husband get wrong? It is not disrespect if it is the truth. When is your brother going to apologize for your husband’s disrespect.
Your loyalty is to your husband, not your family and if mommy doesn’t like it you’re going to have to go lc with family. Your brother threatened your livelihood that’s not a joke, that’s food on your table, your mortgage and other bills. Your needs are first, tell your mom screw your brother and make him grow up and stop enabling him
How can you possibly be torn? Your brother is a sack of useless items disguised as a human male. Your mom is just as bad – enabling him.
You are no peach either. You also enable your useless and horrible brother and have compelled your husband to assist, possibly by using the same guilting tactics your mom is employing on you right now, rather than stepping away from these idiots for the sake of your mental health and the health of your marriage. Change your behaviour!
NTA for not defending the indefensible. Y T A if you let these jackals continue to circle you and your husband.
Don’t feel torn
You Husband is your family first. You look after and support each other.
Your other family comes second.
Sounds harsh, but thats how marriage works
NTA, people hate it when others won’t allow them to live the lifestyle they expect others to be okay with. Your brothers being a jerk, and your family won’t be safe with this until they realize that padding consequences isn’t loving. It’s enabling
NTA your husband is your family. He’s your bread provider he is taking care of you and the kids, not saying you’re not doing anything but he seems like a real stand-up guy. Your brother while is your family is your second priority and if your brother is threatening your husband’s livelihood he’s threatening the livelihood of you and your family so in this case your husband does come first.
NTA, NTA, NTA.
Your family is now your husband and children. They deserve your focus, your love, and most importantly, your support. Not your brother. Anyone who disagrees with that statement needs to be ignored.
NTA. Your husband is your family. Why is golden boy allowed to disrespect him? Is your life with your husband or your brother? It would be different if your husband lied or was unfair to your brother but you admit he was truthful and you agree.
The way to handle it is to remind your mother you are married. That your husband is also your family. Don’t go looking for a fight but stop letting your brother and his drama run your life. If your mom wants to sacrifice her life for him that is her choice. You don’t need to do the same.
Time for a little no contact with your family. If they think more of your, let’s face it, useless brother then your completely responsible husband, they are the ones that need to pound sand. Stand by your man because he’s a keeper. Good on him for calling out your loser brother.
Read your own post. Do you genuinely believe you’re the AH? You didn’t list one single positive thing about your brother. Nobody here is going to side with the guy who we’ve heard nothing but bad things about.
NTA, you would be the asshole for defending your brother.
If your brother starts to mess with the business, follow suit with legal action.
How is your brother making a living? This has AI/Chat GPT written all over it.
Your husband is your family now…NTA.
NTA for this, but damn you’re an AH for how you let your family treat your husband. You chose him to marry, to become a family with and create a life together. You should never let anyone disrespect him, especially your family, that you are in charge of keeping in line. Grow up, tell your family the truth about themselves, and stand with your husband. If they can’t behave, then they shouldn’t be a part of your life. Keeping the peace with them will destroy your husband’s peace.
You are respecting your family. Your children, your husband and the home you’ve built. Your brother and mother both seem pretty toxic, he’s the one that’s disrespecting family, not you. The only reason these people are still in his life is because of you. This is your problem that you’ve avoided because… I don’t know why, and now your husband is out there putting himself on the line. Do yourself a favour, grow a pair and support your husband loudly and proudly. Stop trying to keep the peace, that illusion is yours only.
Your husband IS YOUR FAMILY! NTA
NTA. Tell your mom that your HUSBAND IS YOUR FAMILY!!! And your brother disrespected your husband, your family, and your families ability to live with his threat!!
NTA. Your brother already has her as his enabler, he doesn’t need another one.
NTA, your husband is your family, first priority, and he wasn’t wrong. on will need to deal with her f*** up of a son.
Oh FFS
You’re in your 30s, all three of you. you could easily just block his number and stop associating with him.
He’s behaving like a child still and viewing the world through a child’s lens. It’s your mom’s fault.
There’s nothing you can do to help or change who your brother is though.
Stop stooping to his level.
Disrespect family?
You and your husband are a family. Your mom needs to learn that.
NTA, your husband’s business is your livelihood and he threatened it. If anything would make you the AH, it would be if you didn’t stand with your husband when your brother made the threat. Family isn’t people who share DNA. Family is people who love, respect, help, protect, defend, and encourage you. You’re brother sounds like he’s incapable of that since he can’t even bother to be a real Dad to his kids.
NTA for not defending your brother. But you are one for playing the “keep the peace” game and not having your husband’s back. You don’t even agree with your brother’s bullshit but you go along and enable it by keeping quiet.
You, your mom, and your brother all need a reality check. I really hope one day your husband will actually have your support and not have to fight your family alone.
“Later, my mom pulled me aside and told me I should have stood up for my brother. She said I let my husband ‘disrespect family’ and accused me of changing since I got married. She made me feel like I betrayed them by not taking my brother’s side.”
“Mom, husband is my family now, since we got married and said vows. Of course, I’m going to be on his side. Brother disrespected my family and made threats. We have all walked on eggshells for too long around your coddling and enabling his failure to launch, but I draw a line when threats to my family are made. So until he apologizes, we will not be speaking to brother, or doing him any favors going forward. If brother is stupid enough to go through with his threats, be warned: we will be calling the cops. If you have a problem with our boundaries, you are welcome to go low or no contact with us, but our boundaries will not be changing or going away.”
You’re in you’re 30’s, OP. If you don’t put on your big girl pants and deal with your family, your husband might eventually reach his limit and peace out. NTA, but you will be if you allow this to continue.
So you’re supposed to choose between your hardworking husband or your deadbeat brother and you’re “torn”? Are you for real?
YTA if this is the case because your husband is the only correct choice here.
Unless your spouse is an unsupportive, abusive, cheating jerk, they are your family, and have priority over the family you came from. Your brother and mother are completely in the wrong. Hubby said nothing untrue and brother is a jerk and threatened hubby. Mother has no right to say you did wrong. If anything, she is betraying you by not supporting you supporting your totally correct husband. Sometimes what is right is more important than blood ties. Brother is wrong, hubby is right.
Torn about what? This is a no-brainer of a choice.
Do not help your mother enable your bum of a brother. Your husband was right and I’m glad you supported him.
NTA. It’s hard to believe you think you might be under the circumstances. You should definitely let your family know that you actually support your husband, if you are being passive by refusing to side with your brother, though. That’s where your loyalties are and should be made clear. Also made clear to your family you don’t want to hear any more about it and ignore them if they can’t respect that.
NTA, you said it yourself: husband is right
Your husband is the family you chose. Forsaking all others…. NTA.
NTA
You should have defended your husband. Your mother is completely in the wrong here. Also, remember that you have no obligation or responsibility whatsoever to your mother or your brother. You have every right to go low or no contact.
NTA yet. You need to have you husband’s back. When you committed to a marriage with him, you committed to putting him first, not your northern, not your mom. Your husband is “family.” He is your chosen family. You married him and now represent a separate “family” from the one you came from. What he said to your brother harsh yes, but he also the truth. Your brother on the other hand…..
NTA. You don’t defend someone who clearly did wrong, I don’t care how “family” they are. Ask Mom If she thinks it would be okay for bro to hurt your husband’s business, which would hurt you too. Her sticking up for him and spoiling him is how he got to be so useless in the first place.
NTA. You need to support your husband. Your brother was out of line. Never make excuses for someone who threatens your livelihood or your family — and by family, I mean the people who support you and stick with you, not the people who might share DNA but threaten to harm you.
Your mother is wrong, and she doesn’t have your best interests at heart. You need to stick with what you know is right, and don’t let anyone tell you that shared DNA makes wrong into right.
Good luck.
NTA. Your husband was right in what he said to your brother. Your mom’s an AH for trying to make you feel bad about not standing up for your brother. Shoot she does that enough herself. Sounds like you need to put some space between them & y’all.
Oh no. You did the right thing absolutely. I know mom has you trained to worship and enable the golden brother. She’s trying to get you to side against your husband?? W t f? After your brother threatens your income? Your mom’s delusional. NTA
So, you bought your brother furniture, gifted it, no strings attached, and he’s demanding you return it.
Fakest thing I’ve read so far today.
NTA!
Your side is your husband’s side. Tell your mom that they’re both lucky all your husband did was tell a few home truths and hurt some feelings. NTA
nta your brother doesn’t deserve an apology
NTA – Your brother not only threatened your husband but you and your kids. By threatening your husband’s business he is also threatening your finances and the household’s income. Your family is your husband now. Not some mommy’s boy that can’t even watch his own kids.
YTA for farming karma. You say you are “torn” but you haven’t given a single reason why you want to defend your brother. Just “your mom asked you to”.
You went on for paragraphs about how bad your brother is and then your mother says one thing and now you are “torn”. Sure buddy
You’re NTA, your mum and brother are.
Your husband didn’t disrespect your mum’s family (your mum’s, not yours, because you have your own now). Your husband defended his family and showed a mirror to your brother when he disrespected your family. So really, you can go to your mum and be upset with her for not standing up for you when her son was disrespecting your family.
Your mum has enabled his brattish behaviour. Big time.
Notwithstanding that the most important family is the one you’ve built with your husband and kids (not your deadbeat brother, “family” goes both ways. While it isn’t unreasonable to expect you to stand up for your brother, you should expect your brother and mother to respect your husband.
NTA and you aren’t in the middle unless you allow your mother and brother to put you there. He deserves to have you stand up for him. Tell your mother that no, you’re not saying something to your brother because your husband did nothing wrong. Your brother made threats and that’s unacceptable.
I don’t quite understand. You two bought furniture for your brother and he wants you to return it? What’s the problem? Take it back and sell it if you can’t return it. Is your brother saying you should give him the money? He can get rid of it himself and keep the money. It was a gift and isn’t your problem to deal with. Am I misunderstanding this?
If it were me, I would have nothing to do with your brother and put your mom on notice that you won’t see him, talk to or about him, and if she shares anything about your family with him, you’ll go no contact with her, too. Just because she’s willing to put up with him doesn’t mean you have to.
It is always hard with family. NTA but I would suggest one thing:
Now, make a judgement only based on the facts. What would be your reaction?
NTA. Your brother can’t exert any effort to make his and his families life better, but he’s willing to pull out the stops to wreck yours? No. Your husband is your number 1 priority. He was a bit of a jerk perhaps, but aren’t we all every now and then?
NTA he threatened your husband’s lively hood. Why would ANYONE want that around in their lives? Tell your mom “until you stop enabling his behavior, we’re going no contact. He threatened us, hes put my life at risk for his tantrum. No more. My husband didnt lie. He didn’t make up any stories. If you dont want to hear it, then get him under control and be respectful. No one owes him anything.”
NTA. Your husband is your family, so he should come first. Regarding what he said to/about your brother, it was nothing but truth and needed to be said. Your husband truly understands putting family first, and you should follow his example and take courage and strength from it as well.
As far as not defending your useless bother, there was nothing to defend. He wasn’t just wrong in the situation, he’s completely wrong as person. Why in the world would you think you’re wrong not to support/enable his BS when he’s clearly in the wrong? He may think he’s entitled to having his butt kissed (strongly reinforced by your mother), but that doesn’t mean you have to agree. You shouldn’t feel guilty about it either. Please don’t second guess yourself when you did the right thing.
It sounds like it’d be best for everyone involved to go LC with your mother and NC with your sorry excuse for a human being brother.
Your husband is your family. Your brother is a guy you happened to be related to who threatened your family (DH) and your mother is the woman who enables brother’s behavior.
The fact that you feel torn in this situation makes YTA. You need to set your mom straight on who your family is. Original family comes in second place once you get married.
You’re kind of the asshole for letting them disrespect your husband.
Your brother is lazy. Blood doesn’t make family. Your mother has her head up her ass and your brother on a pedestal. You are NTA.
NTA. 1) Your husband is your family, and 2) your husband was right. If your mom can’t handle basic facts, that’s her problem.