My ex-husband passed away in the end of March. I was married to my ex for seven years, together for ten years. We split almost three years ago. Our marriage was great, things started to get rocky when we couldn’t conceive, which resulted in us founding out I had fertility problems. Meanwhile he was cheating on me with three different women, one was with a co-worker whom I met on several occasions, the other two women he met on dating apps. His coworker eventually got pregnant which resulted in her telling me in-person about everything, found out about the other two after going through his phone. We separated, I moved and filed for divorce as soon as possible. Last thing I heard he was dating his co-worker.
Last October, seen an old high-school friend at the airport, they were asking me about him, I don’t think they knew about our divorce, he mentioned that my ex was sick with cancer. I felt sad for him because I knew his family struggled with that sort of cancer. So I thought I would reach out to him and his family during that tough time. We reconnected, found out that he was diagnosed with cancer a month after his child was born. His health started to deteriorate quicker than they thought. His girlfriend, the co-worker, eventually left him after being overwhelmed with his health issues.
I started helping him out, I gave him rides to his medical appointments, helped with cooking pre-paid meals, and whatnot. I felt like he needed a friend, which he did. Our last conversation together, we talked about everything, we cried and talked about his infidelity, our marriage, and loving memories. That was the last time I saw him.
He eventually passed away in March. Surrounded by everyone who loved him. I eventually got a call from his mother, she asked if I wanted to do his funeral arrangements, I declined and said I wasn’t able to. She started saying that I was evil for coming into his life again, and didn’t want to do his funeral. I calmly told her, that I reconnected so that we can both find reassurance and clarity. I offered to pay for his headstone which she declined and started calling me all of these words.
AITA for not wanting to do my ex husband’s funeral arrangements?
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My ex-husband passed away in the end of March. I was married to my ex for seven years, together for ten years. We split almost three years ago. Our marriage was great, things started to get rocky when we couldn’t conceive, which resulted in us founding out I had fertility problems. Meanwhile he was cheating on me with three different women, one was with a co-worker whom I met on several occasions, the other two women he met on dating apps. His coworker eventually got pregnant which resulted in her telling me in-person about everything, found out about the other two after going through his phone. We separated, I moved and filed for divorce as soon as possible. Last thing I heard he was dating his co-worker.
Last October, seen an old high-school friend at the airport, they were asking me about him, I don’t think they knew about our divorce, he mentioned that my ex was sick with cancer. I felt sad for him because I knew his family struggled with that sort of cancer. So I thought I would reach out to him and his family during that tough time. We reconnected, found out that he was diagnosed with cancer a month after his child was born. His health started to deteriorate quicker than they thought. His girlfriend, the co-worker, eventually left him after being overwhelmed with his health issues.
I started helping him out, I gave him rides to his medical appointments, helped with cooking pre-paid meals, and whatnot. I felt like he needed a friend, which he did. Our last conversation together, we talked about everything, we cried and talked about his infidelity, our marriage, and loving memories. That was the last time I saw him.
He eventually passed away in March. Surrounded by everyone who loved him. I eventually got a call from his mother, she asked if I wanted to do his funeral arrangements, I declined and said I wasn’t able to. She started saying that I was evil for coming into his life again, and didn’t want to do his funeral. I calmly told her, that I reconnected so that we can both find reassurance and clarity. I offered to pay for his headstone which she declined and started calling me all of these words.
AITA for not wanting to do my ex husband’s funeral arrangements?
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> AITA for not wanting to do my ex-husband’s funeral arrangements even though I reconnected before his passing?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Not at all – if she loved him so much, she should do it.
NTA
His mother is being unfair to you. It seems like you’ve acted with wisdom and grace throughout the relationship and ensuing years.
NTA. When you divorce, you are agreeing to no longer do those things.
My brother was in the same boat with his ex-wife. I think they were married for 10 years and maybe separated for 2-3 years when she died?
He did not contribute anything to the funeral because they were very much split up.
She had a lot of mental health issues and was an absolute monster at the end. Her recklessness eventually led to her death. (This was not cause of death, but things like driving on a suspended license, crashing the car drunk, taking strange and sketchy men home, putting her kids at risk, etc.)
My family and I went to the funeral. But he was divorced and this was not his responsibility anymore. Especially with how horrible she treated him.
She was fully her parents’ responsibility (who refused to believe us about her behavior and safety concerns for her and the children).
NTA. You were very kind to him when he was in need and had major challenges and he was not kind to you when you found out you had fertility issues. His mother should have been thanking you for being so supportive of him in his time of need instead of being demanding and judgmental.
NTA – your relationship is over.
NTA. It’s completely up to you what you do here and you already went the extra mile
His mom is being a turd. You are NTA. You were there as a friend when he needed someone. The funeral is on the family. Families get weird when people die.
NTA
You needed closure and you got it. You’re a better person than me, not what I would have done but each to his own. You’ve no further obligations though, legally you’ve no relationship to him, can’t see any reason why FMIL and/or his child’s mother can’t do the arrangements themselves, she obviously wants you to pay for it. You grieve how you want from here on and it’s already more than generous to offer to pay for the headstone.
NTA.
He’s got family (several) who can/should look after it.
He’s in your past too, you have good closure on that chapter of your life.
I always say when it comes to death all bets are off. Nobody will not react in a predictable way.
NTA. You made your peace and said goodbye. His Mom can do the final arrangements.
NTA. His mother can fuck off. How dare she get shitty when you helped him through his illness, and when he passed you finally draw the line. Rightly so. She’s a selfish woman.
You were very kind to be there when he needed a friend. It was far more than he deserved. His mother had no right to be cruel.
NTA
The mom is way out of line. You’re an ex-wife. He left behind an actual family who can and should organize the arrangements. It sounds like they don’t want hassle.
Nta. It was enough for him you helped him out. Dead is dead. Dead people don’t know what living people doing for them, as harsh it sounds. Well that women is grieving but that does not mean she can Bi*** to you. You and your ex got closure use that block button she’s literally stranger only connection to her is dead. Move on. On bright side now you know he’s ungreatful bratty attatude come from.
You are not the ah and I’m sure his mother after she has some clarity and grieves will see it too and apologise
Ex mil should be contacting baby mother and getting her help
I hope he apologised and realised he was a fool for what he did too u
U are a wonderful person to enter bk into his life and do what u did
NTA – the keyword is “EX”
NTA, you sound like a wonderful, caring and loving person with a bigger heart than mine as I wouldn’t have reached out. His mother is definitely out of line, and I will give her the grace of thinking that she is hurting as her baby died (is your baby no matter the age as a mother), still is unacceptable how she is treating you.
You grieve (if you want) however you want. Also, don’t fall for “you should be responsible or close to the child”, as I could see exMIL trying to say something like that too
Not your place you did more then any ex would do they just want you to pay
NTA. You went above and beyond what most people would do for someone who had betrayed them. You have done more than enough. Offering to pay for his headstone was very kind. Maybe his mom has misplaced her anger/disappointment in HIM on you?? Grief makes people do weird things. Either way, she is in the wrong.
You are a good person for doing what you’ve already done while he was at the end of his life. You didn’t owe him any of that and you certainly don’t owe him or his family anything when it comes to funeral arrangements now. You owe yourself peace. Do whatever it takes to preserve your peace.
NTA. It sounds like you reconnected to get closure for the both of you. You wanted to truly put an end to that chapter of your life, but also wanted him to be okay with how everything turned out for you both. I can’t tell if your ex was just a terrible partner or making dumb decisions due to his grief at not being able to have kids with you, either. If there’s a correlation between his cheating and the news of your infertility, the latter is very possible. It doesn’t excuse him or fix anything, but it could be an explanation, and I hope your time together recently has helped you discover the truth there.
You did a good thing. This was for you, but also for him, despite all the pain he’d caused you. It’s both very mature and very brave to reconnect and help out like this, that’s a lot to take on even if you’re not in his day-to-day.
But, at the end of the day, this is your ex-husband and you divorced for very good reasons. You both moved on, and you reconnected only as friends, you didn’t get back together. You’re not his family anymore, by his choice when he chose to cheat with at least 3 different women. It was very generous to offer to pay for the headstone. But it’s the family who organises the funeral if there are any. Your ex has family, clearly. He has a mother, and he has the mother of his child, who left him but remains connected by that child. She’s got more responsibility for the funeral than you do, and even she doesn’t have that responsibility anymore, as she was no longer in a relationship with him. That leaves his mother and any other family he has. His really close friends, which isn’t you, can also chip in, though they also have no responsibility to do so. There are options for people who can’t afford it, and you DID offer to make it a little cheaper.
Don’t feel guilty, this isn’t your responsibility. What you’ve already done is nice and generous, and you didn’t have to do any of it, you certainly don’t have to do more. Your ex won’t be looking down on you and hating you for not paying for his funeral, he’ll just be grateful you were there in his last days. In fact, he’d likely be disgusted that his own mother is attempting to foist her responsibilities onto his ex-wife who he hurt so terribly only a few years ago.
NTA-
Tune out ex-mother-in-law’s noise. She’s lashing out and you’re her target. Don’t let her words take up space in your head. It’s a her problem, not a you problem.
You’re an angel. If I were you, I wouldn’t care at all about his illness or death. He betrayed your trust and made a fool of you, so you don’t owe him or his family anything.
NTA You did more than anyone could ask.
I am glad you two got to come to a sort of understanding before the end. I know he regretted his choices until his final day.
Take care of yourself.
No brainer NTA
He is an ex., i.e., stranger. Legally no obligation whatsoever and as for call from your ex-mother-in-law, she can go take a hike.
I know that I come from a different country so I don’t completely understand US culture regarding this kind of things but… Shouldn’t his child be his main heir? Then it should be his child who makes the funeral arrangements and decissions, and considering that he’s still too young, it should be his mom in his place. It comes with the heirloom. And if his main heir is not his child, then whomever is his main heir…
It’s one thing that you two became sort of friends again at the end, but there were people in his life with far more rights and relation to get to than an ex-wife whom he cheated on and left in her worst moment.