I’m 22F. Last night my mom called and said she wasn’t feeling well; she was nauseous, raspy sounding, stuttering, throwing up, and said, “I think I might need to call 911.” As a nursing student myself I asked questions to understand what was going on. She said she didn’t have chest pain or breathing issues, and that her heart and lungs felt fine. She mentioned she had eaten meatloaf and an edible earlier.
Based on that, I told her it could be a bad reaction to the edible or a panic response. I offered to call 911 for her, but she said no, that she didn’t want anyone to see her without clothes on.
Then she asked me to come over. I paused and asked, “For what?” trying to understand what she needed from me. She didn’t answer the question. Her tone changed completely, and she said, “Never mind, don’t worry about it. I need to focus. Love you,” and hung up.
She hasn’t responded to any texts or calls since. I considered driving to her place (it’s about 45 minutes away) but she’s done similar things in the past where she creates urgency and then disengages. It’s hard to tell when it’s a genuine emergency versus emotional pressure. I decided if I didn’t hear back by morning, I’d call in a wellness check.
Still, I’m wondering if I should’ve just gone anyway. I don’t want to assume the worst, but I also don’t want to keep falling into emotionally manipulative situations either.
AITA for not going up there personally to check on her because of her patterns?
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I’m 22F. Last night my mom called and said she wasn’t feeling well; she was nauseous, raspy sounding, stuttering, throwing up, and said, “I think I might need to call 911.” As a nursing student myself I asked questions to understand what was going on. She said she didn’t have chest pain or breathing issues, and that her heart and lungs felt fine. She mentioned she had eaten meatloaf and an edible earlier.
Based on that, I told her it could be a bad reaction to the edible or a panic response. I offered to call 911 for her, but she said no, that she didn’t want anyone to see her without clothes on.
Then she asked me to come over. I paused and asked, “For what?” trying to understand what she needed from me. She didn’t answer the question. Her tone changed completely, and she said, “Never mind, don’t worry about it. I need to focus. Love you,” and hung up.
She hasn’t responded to any texts or calls since. I considered driving to her place (it’s about 45 minutes away) but she’s done similar things in the past where she creates urgency and then disengages. It’s hard to tell when it’s a genuine emergency versus emotional pressure. I decided if I didn’t hear back by the next morning, I’d call in a wellness check.
Still, I’m wondering if I should’ve just gone anyway. I don’t want to assume the worst, but I also don’t want to keep falling into emotionally manipulative situations either.
AITA for not going up there personally to check on her because of her patterns?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Hello, my action that I took that I might be the asshole with, is not checking on my mother after she called me about a medical crisis. Someone could view my actions as wrong, due to a daughter’s duty being to check in on their parents, and since my mother was panicked, my lack of action can be viewed as selfish and irresponsible.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Why would you wait till the next morning? Call in for a wellness check now.
I would go check on her, sounds like she needs you emotionally too.
I mean stuttering and throwing up doesn’t sound like manipulation to me but that was “last night”, what happened?
NAH
If you’re thinking that she just needs some attention, the best way to go about that is to set up some time in advance in a manner that is comfortable for you (in other words, that you won’t resent), and find your way into a regular rhythm. That way, she gets the love and attention that she needs, without creating fake emergencies, and you can give her that love and attention freely, with an open heart. Blessings on you both.
You should get her a copy of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.”
NTA
There’s that story about the boy who cried wolf… This certainly sounds like she’s being manipulative, and that’s not behaviour you want to encourage.
I agree with the others about a wellness check.
NTA
Your mother is attention seeking and emotionally manipulating you.
I recognised the pattern straight away after dealing with my father, who did exactly the same thing for decades.
I’m gonna trust that this is a pattern of behavior that’s creeping into toxic/controling/boundary ignoring.
Cause without that you’d def be asshole in my book. But taking your word on that then NTA
Maybe you should call 911 for her, or the police
NTA, but you’re young and chances are your Mom misses you. She’s trying to reach out to you, just not in the most straightforward or healthiest way. Your Mom is lonely, go see your Mom. One day you’ll do anything just to hear her voice one more time, and you won’t be able to, so take advantage of it now.
NTA.
bruh, it’s like middle of the night. chill, not everyone wants random cops knocking at 2am.
NTA
That would annoy the hell out of me. I can’t stand to hear when family members manipulate other family members like that. Speaking from experience, us dispatchers hate when people cause undue emergency responses. Not saying you shouldn’t call, I’m saying your mom could prevent it by just picking up the phone.
NTA
Emotionally manipulating much?
NTA
Don’t go. As you describe it, your mom is manipulating you and using made up emergencies to make you jump when she snaps her fingers.
But if you feel she is unsafe, do what she asked and send emergency services for a welfare check.
NTA, and the people telling you that you should have reacted more have obviously been lucky enough to have lived a life without a relative like your mother. The whole point of her call was a test to see how much control she has over you.
NTA
Calling for a wellness check is a good compromise between not wanting to potentially ignore a problem and not wanting to reward manipulation.
YTA.
Normally if someone is not feeling well you drop by.
Calling for a wellness check is not something do….. Only if you have no relationship with that person.
Yeeeeaaaahhhhh. NTA. I have spent decades of my adult life dealing with a Mom that sounds just like yours. Make a plan now for how you engage and stick with it. If she calls with an “emergency” take it seriously and call emergency services. Every time. Do not let her hold you hostage. If you want a relationship, take into account how you are feeling, how much energy you have to be manipulated and limit it to whatever amount of time you might want to share. If you have the resources, counseling can help on untangling manipulation. This is also a good book: Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tavab. Take care of yourself.
NTA
Sounds like she deliberately baits you to cause you anxiety and unnecessary panic. You should have just called in a wellness check and when she recovers tell her that’s what you will be doing from now on. You might want to educate yourself on narcissistic behaviour because mother is absolutely showing traits.
Edibles hittin. lol