I (17 M) literally don’t know what to do except go to reddit and just rant about everything while sitting on my bed. I don’t know where to start either, so I’ll just start from the beginning. My mom and dad got into arguments a lot, and one time, my mom threw a glass plate at my dad’s head, giving him a gash right above his eye. Me and my sister couldn’t do anything except watch and I felt guilty every time dad would cry in the room alone while mom went out drinking. One time when I was about 6-8, I woke up to fighting. I ran out my room to see my mom and my dad arguing again, not over things like rent again, or moms drinking habits, but because my dad had served divorce papers and my mom was furious. After an agonizingly long 30 minutes, my mom signed the papers, threw the pen at my dad, and left.
A whole week, my mom was gone. And I could see my dad age 10 years in 7 days from stress. But then my mom came home Sunday night, drunk and smelling of cigarettes. I ran up to hug her but got shoved instead as my mom stumbled her way into her room, slammed the door, and fell asleep. That all happened non stop until I turned 10 when me and my sister had to choose between my mom or my dad to live with. I obviously chose my dad, but my sister chose mom. I lived with my dad stress free for 7 years, waking up to the smell of pancakes my dad cooked everyday, knowing my dad would be there at my school events, and always supporting me. One day, I got home from school, expecting my dad to greet me with dinner and a movie on the TV waiting. But I opened the door to him and my mom sitting at the table all serious.
At this point, I hadn’t seen my mom for 7 years, and she hadn’t, not once, tried to contact me at all, not telling my sister to say hi for her, not even telling my dad to say hi to me for her, so I didn’t wanna see her. As soon as I walked in, she tried to hug me. I backed up and sternly said “Don’t touch me, back the f*k off.” I didn’t even think about what I said until my mom backed off in pure shock. Then she starts berating me with “Im your mother” and “why would you say that to me” while my dad just held his head in his hands. I then tell her, why would I wanna talk to, or even hug someone who didn’t contact me for 7 years, and didn’t even try. Basically forgetting I existed. And not even apologizing first for all the nights I thought my mom wouldn’t ever come back and cried my eyes out until you stumbled back through the front door drunk and high.
After I said that, I went to my room and slammed the door. That was yesterday. And my mom is still here trying to talk to me, apologize, and get a second chance. But I go to my room, and only exit for bathroom, and food. So, AITA?
(P.S. I never talk about anything so writing everything out is hard, sorry if it’s hard to understand.)
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I (17 M) literally don’t know what to do except go to reddit and just rant about everything while sitting on my bed. I don’t know where to start either, so I’ll just start from the beginning. My mom and dad got into arguments a lot, and one time, my mom threw a glass plate at my dad’s head, giving him a gash right above his eye. Me and my sister couldn’t do anything except watch and I felt guilty every time dad would cry in the room alone while mom went out drinking. One time when I was about 6-8, I woke up to fighting. I ran out my room to see my mom and my dad arguing again, not over things like rent again, or moms drinking habits, but because my dad had served divorce papers and my mom was furious. After an agonizingly long 30 minutes, my mom signed the papers, threw the pen at my dad, and left.
A whole week, my mom was gone. And I could see my dad age 10 years in 7 days from stress. But then my mom came home Sunday night, drunk and smelling of cigarettes. I ran up to hug her but got shoved instead as my mom stumbled her way into her room, slammed the door, and fell asleep. That all happened non stop until I turned 10 when me and my sister had to choose between my mom or my dad to live with. I obviously chose my dad, but my sister chose mom. I lived with my dad stress free for 7 years, waking up to the smell of pancakes my dad cooked everyday, knowing my dad would be there at my school events, and always supporting me. One day, I got home from school, expecting my dad to greet me with dinner and a movie on the TV waiting. But I opened the door to him and my mom sitting at the table all serious.
At this point, I hadn’t seen my mom for 7 years, and she hadn’t, not once, tried to contact me at all, not telling my sister to say hi for her, not even telling my dad to say hi to me for her, so I didn’t wanna see her. As soon as I walked in, she tried to hug me. I backed up and sternly said “Don’t touch me, back the f*k off.” I didn’t even think about what I said until my mom backed off in pure shock. Then she starts berating me with “Im your mother” and “why would you say that to me” while my dad just held his head in his hands. I then tell her, why would I wanna talk to, or even hug someone who didn’t contact me for 7 years, and didn’t even try. Basically forgetting I existed. And not even apologizing first for all the nights I thought my mom wouldn’t ever come back and cried my eyes out until you stumbled back through the front door drunk and high.
After I said that, I went to my room and slammed the door. That was yesterday. And my mom is still here trying to talk to me, apologize, and get a second chance. But I go to my room, and only exit for bathroom, and food. So, AITA?
(P.S. I never talk about anything so writing everything out is hard, sorry if it’s hard to understand.)
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I don’t know if should be wrong or right is the fact I didn’t forgive her, and I cussed at her. And the fact it might make me and asshole is because she’s my mother.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA she walked off after the divorce and didn’t even think of contacting you. So she cannot walk back and expect forgiveness and love from you. She lost it the moment she chose not to contact you.
NTA. She abandoned you. She just can’t expect to waltz back in your life thinking things are going to be all lovey. No She needs to earn that trust back and that is only if YOU want it. She made the choice to leave and the ball is in your court on if you choose to have a relationship with her or not. I would have a heart to heart with your dad about what you are thinking/feeling and go from there. If he wants the best for you, he will support your decision. Best of luck to you.
NTA. She must want something.
NTA definitely and totally justified. That said, and I’ll prob get downvoted for this, it might be better for you in the long run if you gave her a chance to make amends with you. Especially if she’s changed and, for example, stopped drinking. If you didn’t have to carry around this bitterness and all these difficult feelings that you have, then that would be a win for you even if it meant you dealt with her once in a while.
NTA. You have every right to feel how you do and the decision to rekindle your relationship should be YOURS alone. Why is she still there? Can you explain to your Dad that you at least need some time to consider this drastic change after seven years and see if he can maybe ask her to leave? I feel for you – this sounds really hard. But no, in my opinion you’re most definitely NTA
NTA. Not at all.
Your reaction is completely understandable given the trauma and abandonment you’ve endured. Your mom was abusive (throwing a plate at your dad’s head is violent), neglectful (leaving for a week, coming back drunk, and shoving you away), and then completely absent for seven years without so much as a “hello.” That kind of pain doesn’t just disappear because she suddenly decides she wants back in your life.
You don’t owe her forgiveness not now, not ever, unless you decide it’s something you genuinely want. An apology doesn’t erase years of hurt, and her saying “I’m your mother” doesn’t magically undo the fact that she failed at being one.
Your dad sounds like a good parent, and it’s okay to lean on him for support right now. If you’re not ready to talk to your mom, you don’t have to. She doesn’t get to dictate the timeline of your healing just because she’s ready to say sorry.
That said, if you ever do want to hear her out (for your sake, not hers), you could set boundaries like writing a letter or having a conversation with your dad present. But only if you want to.
You’re allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to take space. You’re allowed to protect yourself. NTA.
NTA – but I would find some time to talk to your dad w/o Mom. There must be a reason she has shown up again. Just for your own peace of mind you should get that figured out.
NTA – but I would find some time to talk to your dad w/o Mom. There must be a reason she has shown up again. Just for your own peace of mind you should get that figured out.
NTA: You have every right to feel the way you do. You deserve to do what best for your mental health. Hang in there big hugs.
Sooooo NTA
First, I’m so sorry this happened to you. As a kid you only expect love and protection from your parents, especially your Mom. You grew up realizing you cannot rely on your mom and now she wants back in your life, like nothing happened. It doesn’t work that way. You have every right to have your boundaries with her, and to protect yourself emotionally. You may want to take with a counselor, not for her benefit but your own. You need to make peace for yourself, to cope with all that has happened.
Your dad sounds like a great man, talk to him privately about this and be sure he has your back.
Good Luck
I was a shitty parent who got my life together. I didn’t disappear like your mom did, but I had a temper, (yelling, not physical) and it’s been 2 years since I’ve been volatile and throwing stuff, and my kids still struggle to trust me, and I know damn well that’s on me. You’re NTA, and quite frankly your parents should have gotten a therapist’s opinion and done some prep work.
Pain is a teacher. You can forgive a snake for biting you, but that doesn’t mean you pick it up for snuggles again. Your parents need to give you a minute to figure out what you want because while she’s in your safe space, your fight-or-flight part of your brain will remain triggered. It’s science.
NTA
mom’s trying to force forgiveness through emotional manipulation.
words won’t get her forgiveness. actions of a good mother, if she is able to recognise what that could be, consistently over time, that’s how she can EARN eventual forgiveness.
NTA.
Honey, I have been there. I was five. My mom left for California with my brother and signed me over to my dad without a second thought, and she was gone for a year and a half. For someone her young, that feels like an eternity. In all of that time, I got one phone call that I can remember. She was leaving an abusive marriage that she had cheated on my dad to be in when I was just six months old. When she came back, she was never there for me. She wasn’t kind, or caring. At least not to me. My brother was, and remains to this day, the golden child.
I say all of this because I want you to recognize one fact: your dad is one hell of an amazing man. He has stepped up to the plate and made it his mission in life to support you. I hope that offer has also been extended to your sister as well should she seek out a relationship with him. You are nearly an adult, and this “I am your mother” crap is baseless nonsense. She didn’t raise you, she gave birth to you. Very big difference. She pushed you away — quite literally. It’s manipulative and disgusting. And she deserves a swift kick in the ass for suggesting she needs another chance to hurt you.
Stand by the family that raised you. Seek therapy to learn from the past and heal so you can do better than her. And above all, be sure to tell your dad how much you appreciate and love him (and if you have them, your own children one day).
Nta.
NTA. She can’t just walk in and think you’d welcome her back with open arms and forgive her. You don’t owe her anything.
NTA. Your mother was (and still is) the adult and the parent in this situation. You do not owe her anything and if she’s someone worth trying to build a relationship with at this point, then she’ll understand that because of her own actions, she needs to earn it. If she doesn’t understand that, you are probably very right to protect yourself by maintaining boundaries with her.
NTA
She sabotaged you and brought unsafety to your own home, again… She’s completely upended your safety. Can you go stay with friends?
Your dad let you down the minute he allowed her inside the house. He needs major therapy and you need protection.