Going all the way back to when my birthday was. My bf kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday and I would constantly tell him the same couple of things. He ends up buying me a 400 dollar headset. I liked it but it really seemed like he was shopping for something he wanted. (Context: He’s a big gamer and I enjoy gaming but not as much.) We communicate and I thought everything was okay.
Fast forward to mother’s day. He puts no thought or effort into anything and I end up cooking dinner and cleaning while he plays the game all day.
Today he asked about plans for father’s day and I said “nothing is planned it’s a regular day.” We get into a small argument and I bring up mother’s day and tell him I would have been happy with a cheap flowers and a card and his excuse was he’s bad a getting gifts.
even though I said nothing was planned I did plan on making a dinner he likes and making a small basket for him with a funko, nike stuff he wants, etc. Now I just feel like returning everything and not cooking at all. AITA?
Edit: Yes. Everyone we have a son together.
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Going all the way back to when my birthday was. My bf kept asking me what I wanted for my birthday and I would constantly tell him the same couple of things. He ends up buying me a 400 dollar headset. I liked it but it really seemed like he was shopping for something he wanted. (Context: He’s a big gamer and I enjoy gaming but not as much.) We communicate and I thought everything was okay.
Fast forward to mother’s day. He puts no thought or effort into anything and I end up cooking dinner and cleaning while he plays the game all day.
Today he asked about plans for father’s day and I said “nothing is planned it’s a regular day.” We get into a small argument and I bring up mother’s day and tell him I would have been happy with a cheap flowers and a card and his excuse was he’s bad a getting gifts.
even though I said nothing was planned I did plan on making a dinner he likes and making a small basket for him with a funko, nike stuff he wants, etc. Now I just feel like returning everything and not cooking at all. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because 1) I lied and made my bc feel like he had nothing planned on a special day and 2) I let my feelings about myself get in the way of something he wanted.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You’re not crazy for wanting a little bit of effort and appreciation, especially after how much you already do. If he’s “bad at gifts” that’s on him to figure out, not you to keep carrying. It’s not petty to decide you’re done overcompensating when he’s never even tried. You sound like you’ve been holding it together for too long, and returning that basket might just be the first step to setting the tone you deserve
NTA
Your feelings are valid and you wouldn’t be an asshole for acting on them.
That said, I don’t think this is going to solve anything. Your boyfriend isn’t going to suddenly realize that being thoughtful is important, he’s probably just going to resent you instead. You need to communicate with him, and if it seems like it’s not getting through then you probably need to do it through couples counseling.
ESH. bf is the biggest ah but OP should have said something on mother’s day instead of waiting for revenge on father’s day.
INFO: Do you have a kid/kids together?
If not… why the hell are you celebrating mother’s/father’s day with each other?! That’s just weird.
I’m not my husband’s mother. He usually gets me a nice card thanking me for being a great wife and Mom. I don’t expect a gift from him. (I have 3 grown children.) When my children were small, I’d help them pick out a gift for their father and plan what they wanted to do. For Mother’s Day, he’d help the kids and they’d usually take me to brunch or make breakfast.
ESH – You get what you give. He put no effort into mothers day so why would you lut effort into fathers day?
You put no effort into expressing your feelings so why would he change?
Order a pizza and you do some gaming 😂😂 call it a pizza party if needed if he has online friends
Order a pizza and you do some gaming 😂😂 call it a pizza party if needed if he has online friends
Hold on, do you even have kids? Not a single mention of a child, if not you’re both gigantic assholes because you’re not a mother or a father ffs!!
NTA but why date someone who explicitly shows you how little he cares?
Do you even have kids?
You’re not the AH u r the doormat.
When did the two of you decide to start a family? And why no marriage?
Do NOT provide comfort to a person who refuses to return it.
Saying you’re bad at gift giving is an excuse to be lazy and selfish. NTA
ETA: Your boyfriend bought you the equivalent of Homer Simpson’s bowling ball for your birthday so he could use it.
Please don’t have any more babies with someone who uses you. You’re training your son how to treat his future partner.
NTA, why would he expect what he doesn’t give?
I know this is unpopular but I have never understood why SO’s are expected to give gifts for mothers and fathers day. I am not my husband’s mother nor us he my father. I am the mother of our son. He us my gift for mother’s day and when he got old enough he made or bought things for me.
When you say you communicate about your birthday present, what does that mean?
NTA – but here’s something… you can choose to be petty and return everything and do nothing… that’s certainly your right, and no one would fault you for that. It’s certainly justified.
OR, you can do everything you planned anyway, give him the things you’ve already bought, get a good bout of Petty Revenge by “killing with kindness” and maybe let him know that despite what you said, you had already planned all this out to give him a great Father’s Day…
Shame him with kindness and maybe he’ll learn a lesson from it to do better… or he won’t and…well, I look forward to your next post around Christmas, or Mother’s Day next year.
Do nothing
NTA. I was married to a man that was just as dumb as your guy. Dump him.
NTA. He doesn’t deserve a fucking thing. You also do not want to instill the sense of inequality in your son that he definitely will pick up on.
NTA, though I would say instead, tell him to give you a do over/make up mothers day, even if you set aside gifts just pick a day for him to actually put some effort in where you aren’t cooking and cleaning. Then you will continue to do what you planned for fathers day. I wouldn’t wait near a whole year, he can make it up any day you get to sleep in/be off work.
NTA but it’s a fact that not everyone really cares about mothers day / father’s day.
Have you discussed this with him?
Mothers Day is before Fathers Day. Match the energy
Take the headphones and play video games all day on Father’s Day.
He can have the whole day so his son.
Bonding.
Guy stuff.
This is why Mother’s Day is before Father’s Day, so you can give the same energy that you get.
NTA. What goes around comes around.
NTA your boyfriend is a hobosexual. He is not going to get better at being a good partner. He’s just going to find more creative ways to avoid responsibilities, thoughtful consideration of others, and will get creative with gaslighting you into pulling all the emotional and physical labor.
ESH. You have a son but you don’t have a family.
NTA This is where you sit down and have the conversation, again, about expectations. Make it clear that you will match his energy for each gift giving holiday. Offer for each of you to have a wish list of gifts, Amazon has wish list options. Make him responsible for buying gifts for his family as well, and when he doesn’t, you can tell them “I didn’t get anything either” and embarrass him.
Saying I’m bad at buying gifts is a cop out especially when you expect to be treated on your special day.
you’re bad at gifts too – end of story
A a I said, my child is my gift . If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be a mother. When he got older he made things and then bought gifts. I celebrate with my spouse on our anniversary.