I (27f) and my husband (28m) got married in 2023. We had a ceremony (just immediate family) in summer 2023 and then a small reception to celebrate in 2024. My brother in law (husband’s brother, 22m) is getting engaged and married to his girlfriend. I didn’t get him anything due to the fact that he didn’t get us anything for our ceremony and reception (not even a card wishing us well), both of which he was present for. He is not in school so the broke college kid concept is not a factor here – he did a technical program and now makes more money than either one of us does individually. He doesn’t have any student loans but he does spend pretty frivolously on himself. Am I the asshole for not getting him anything (money, anything off the registry, etc.)?
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I (27f) and my husband (28m) got married in 2023. We had a ceremony (just immediate family) in summer 2023 and then a small reception to celebrate in 2024. My brother in law (husband’s brother, 22m) is getting engaged and married to his girlfriend. I didn’t get him anything due to the fact that he didn’t get us anything for our ceremony and reception (not even a card wishing us well), both of which he was present for. He is not in school so the broke college kid concept is not a factor here – he did a technical program and now makes more money than either one of us does individually. He doesn’t have any student loans but he does spend pretty frivolously on himself. Am I the asshole for not getting him anything (money, anything off the registry, etc.)?
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Info: why is it your job to get your husband’s brother a wedding gift? This feels like your husband’s problem, not yours.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action I took is not getting my brother in law an engagement or wedding gift. 2. Because I didn’t get him a gift despite his momentous occasion
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I didn’t know people gave engagement gifts.
I dunno, seems petty if this is the only reason. But do you think he’ll care? Some people just don’t really do the gift thing. I’m terrible at remembering to buy them!
It also sounds like you got married and engaged for gifts. Id be happy with having family at these events and wouldn’t really care if they came empty handed. Are there other issues with your relationship to your brother in law?
NTA, gifts aren’t owed, that’s why it’s called a gift.
🤷🏽♀️ if you were inspired to get him something but didn’t because he didn’t get you anything. I’d say boo to that.
Not getting him something if he didn’t get you something seems fair to me, but also, he is 22. So I’m also a bit willing to give him “dumb boy” pass.
If he’s got a ton of money though and they’re not pregnant? Meh… NTA?
Is anyone pressing you about getting him a gift? If so, it doesn’t seem worth the argument, in that case I’d just get him something any dude would find use for 🤷🏽♀️
YTA. You got married two years ago, when your BIL was 20. At that age, he’s technically an adult, but a lot of people that age still feel represented under their parents for things like wedding gifts. He probably didn’t even consider getting you anything because he’s never needed to worry about it and he just went along with the family.
I wouldn’t hold that against him. You and your husband are much further out of the house. With that age gap, you can’t hold your BIL to the same standards you hold yourself to. Now, he is growing up now, and maybe moving forward you can start. But, I’d let that wedding gift thing slide and just do the right thing and act like the full adult in the situation.
NTA
You do seem Exhausting…Score is now Tied…Feel Better?
Meh, as this is your BIL, let your husband take the lead on this.
YTA. It’s not tit for tat. You sound selfish and obnoxious. Never assume anyone is doing better than you.
A wedding is to bring people together. I couldn’t even tell you if everyone got me a gift/money at our wedding. We had a great time celebrating together.
INFO: why are you even worried about or responsible for this?
If your husband feels so passionately that his brother get a gift, then he should ensure that gets done.
Your marriage is still new, so this may be an early implemented and enforced guideline; you’re not responsible for maintaining the relationship within his life on his behalf. He needs to manage that, just as he did for the years before you entered his life.
Taking that approach takes the responsibility off your plate overall, and frankly if BIL didn’t gift his brother that’s between them. Don’t get into or try to solve by proxy.
Awww so you give to recieve
One of those people.
I think you are being petty. He was 20 when you were married. Are you happy for him? Do you wish him well? Do you consider yourself a loving, compassionate, supportive person? Then get him and his new wife a wedding gift. Be the better – older – person. Cultivate good relationships instead of resentment.
He was/is really young. I would t hold it against him. Seems petty.
And how old was he when you got engaged/married?
NTA. You don’t have to treat someone better than they treat you
NTA I did the same for people who didn’t gift at our wedding (exception being very low income relatives, but they were polite and gave cards)
YTA. He was young. I’d let it go if I were you, and get him something nice to celebrate his engagement/marriage. No point in letting those feelings fester.
it is a choice to give a gift or not. I don’t keep a mental ledger of who gives me what. I give because I want to because I value my sense of generosity and I enjoy giving gifts. NTA for not giving a gift because it’s a personal choice. YTA for keeping a mental record.
I’d give him a wedding gift: an etiquette book. It will serve him well for years to come.
Get them a gift. A coffee mug. A single coffee mug.
Why even post just don’t get him anything tit for tat
NTA. A card is like $5, that’s at least a thought. I’m curious, did he complain? Did family say something?
NTA. Your husband can get him a gift if he wants to. You are not the social secretary who has to take care of all that.
I get you want to be petty about it, but what’s stopping your husband (his brother) from getting him something?
ESH. Don’t let this create a rift. What could a 20 year old have given you as a wedding gift that you couldn’t buy for yourself? And lots of younger people don’t send cards anymore. You sound kind of bitter about not getting a gift from a wedding guest, when ettiquete says it’s not necessary to give wedding gifts. Give him and his fiance something not too expensive but thoughtful, like you care about their interests. If they share a hobby, give them something for that hobby or a gift card to a store that sells what they like. Yes, it would have been polite for him to at least give you a card, but maybe his parents never taught him that. Be the bigger person. It will pay off in the long run.
NTA
If he didn’t get you anything then he can’t get upset when you don’t get him anything. I don’t know why he would expect gifts from people he doesn’t give gifts to.
Yep! YTA
Do you know for certain he didn’t contribute anything? Is it possible he had a part with your wedding, setups or cleanups with parties or rehearsal dinner or did some behind the scenes work with family? Or your in-laws told him they covered his part of your gift from them all? Don’t assume he didn’t do anything because he was young and didn’t know you needed it wrapped up with a bow or sealed in an envelope to account as a contribution worth noticing. Young people don’t always know what’s appropriate or traditional, and you should cut him the same slack you would want if the tables were turned. You sound extremely resentful about the fact that he’s successful now. And it’s your husband’s brother, do you really want to hold on to this toxic thinking?
Just because he makes decent money now doesn’t account for anything. There’s no “point system” in the real world where you won’t end up resentful and feeling like your relationships are never fair or even. Because a lot can happen that you’re unaware of, and it makes you appear very pompous and petty.
YWBTA. Don’t hold a grudge because a then 20 year old didn’t get you anything 2 years ago
YTA You got married 2 years ago, when he was what, 19 or 20? I think it’s kind of rude to hold a grudge against a kid for not buying a gift.
NTA. Even i got my sister and her husband a gift – it wasn’t a lot but it was the thought that counts and I was 18 when they tied the knot.
Little brother could have put in effort – he didn’t do what reciprocate?
No, he clearly doesn’t value gift giving.
Yes I think YTA. He’s 22. Tons of 22 year olds forget their parents birthdays and other stuff. Did his parents go to your wedding? Did they give you anything? If so, maybe he thought they covered him. Or maybe he just didn’t know.
But you do know. You’d do it out of spite. Which is why my verdict is what it is.
If you didn’t get him anything just because you don’t get wedding gifts for people or because you forget or anything like that, that’s fine. But that’s not your reasoning.
Gift giving is not reciprocal. You give. If you don’t wanna don’t, but you’ll both be the AH in this case…
YTA, because you’d also be failing to give a gift to his girlfriend, and presumably she didn’t do anything wrong. You’re going to get off on a bad foot with her and she’s going to be part of your family for years to come. If you totally hate them I guess don’t get them a present, but in that case maybe don’t go to their wedding either.
YTA. You’re hanging onto something petty. I’m all about petty, but it’s got to be over something worth being petty over (if that makes sense lol). This is silliness. He was like 20 when you got married. He’s also a guy. They don’t tend to think about gifts for weddings and engagements. I’ve got 2 boys (29 and 18) and 3 girls (20, 16, and 10). My girls always think about getting gifts for people (the 20 yr old is just getting good at budgeting for it and finding nice, thoughtful things within her means since she lives on her own) while my 29 yr old son wasn’t great about getting people gifts til he was like 23 and now makes sure to get gifts for people. Lead by example here. This isn’t a cause for pettiness.
Get him a nice card. NTA
NTA you don’t have to get him anything if you don’t want to but tbh it literally doesn’t matter at all and I think you’re kinda silly for holding a grudge against your bro in law not getting you gifts and he probably won’t even notice you don’t get him anything lol I think you’re thinking about yourself too much
ESH. He was 20. Probably was part of his parent’s gift.
YTA
Maybe your whole family is like this, but the Tit for Tat thing seems toxic. I have no idea what my SIL got us for our wedding. I appreciated all my gifts and sent out thank you notes, but i did not put too much weight on what they all got me. They were present, they celebrated with me, good enough for me.
Get him something, dont get him something, doesnt matter. This whole “I wont get him something because he did not get me something.” Is gross
A simple card will do, it acknowledges you at least. Let by gone be, it’s said better to give then receive but neither one of you doing then let it go. If you keep holding a grudge it’s only going to be on you never to find peace in the family. Forget about it, forgive yourself from it, you never know maybe through the years to come he may change and grow up more(mature) then he may do for you in other ways. You don’t feel to give then don’t but dwelling on it won’t change the outcome for you or anyone else.
Just be supporting mentally, he may be making good money don’t let it go on and on to bother your life, just continue to support him socially, but above most support yourself and your husband in your marriage. Your BIL will have his own problems to solve and learn from sooner or later.
Sounds like you are pocket watching.
You’re complaining that a 19/20 yr old didn’t buy you a wedding gift? Did he start crying about you not getting him a gift?
Ngl after reading a good chunk of the comments I feel as though everyone kinda suck in this scenario. It sucks that he didn’t get you a gift but he most likely didn’t find it important due to his age. As you said you would’ve been fine with just a card. You should still get him something but just something small or not that much importance. It just seems rude if you don’t get him anything because he most likely doesn’t even know if it bothers you or not. This could all most likely be solved if you try and have an actual conversation with him especially with the part where you said that him stating that he gives you “acceptance” made you feel bad. If not your feelings will continue to grow and get more troublesome. Or you could just ask him if you wants you guys to get him anything and may be find a way to sneak in the fact that he didn’t get you and your husband anything. Well that’s it idk if I made sense or not but either way good luck.
Obviously, you dont have to give him any gifts, but is every gift giving moment a business transaction for you? Or is it just because you said he makes good money and you expect him to spend that on you?
NTA
But…
I’ve found in life being technically correct and doing the right thing are very different. Be the bigger person.
Tell me your 12, without telling me your 12.
Oof, nope.
Don’t be petty. This is not a principle thing as you mentioned in one of your comments above, this is just foolish and petty.
Your deliberate avoidance (not carelessness) will be noted; not just by the BIL but also his new wife. It will not just be tit for tat and forgotten. She will notice the obvious fact that her new BIL and SIL are petty, picky people who imagine slights in their heads, escalate and can’t let anything go. And she will be right.
She will then act accordingly, as who truly wants people like that in their lives? Lesson learned and noted.
This is the future aunt and uncle of your children. These are the people you will be sitting around the table at family events with, and your kids will be playing with their kids under the garden hose. These are the people you will need to plan elder care with for your in-laws (in 30 years time). Try very hard not to advertise to loudly that you sit around stewing over the fact that you did not receive a gift 2 years ago from a 20 year old man. At least give them a chance to like you!
Edit:
Oh heck. I just read it again and this is already done. Oh well.
Slight YTA. Put your husband in charge of the gift decision; it’s his brother and it’s his job to manage his family relations. There’s no reason for you to decide for your husband, the actual blood relative.
I wouldn’t give him anything either.
Updateme
YTA
First off, gift giving shouldn’t be transactional. You give a gift if you can/want to, but there’s literally no requirement for giving a gift to someone.
That said, there is etiquette around events and gift giving, and I know there are *expectations* based on that etiquette. I don’t know your BIL so I have no idea if he’s even aware of the etiquette. It doesn’t actually matter….
His lack of a gift says what it says about HIM…. Perhaps that he was young, ignorant of the etiquette/expectation, he’s cheap, whatever.
Your lack of a gift will say what it says about you… and based on what you wrote here, it says you view gifts as transactions, and you’re petty and hold a grudge over minor shit.
You choose what you want your actions to say about you.
NTA. Get him a card if you want but no, you’re not obligated to give him a gift just because you’re ’the woman.’ If a gift is appropriate then his brother needs to take the lead and buy it.
Info:
Why is it YOU getting anything and not your husband? It’s his brother. Women being the default gift picker for her husband’s family is one of the many emotional labor inequities.
Tell your husband to get his brother a gift. You can say “I feel petty so if it’s up to me, I’m not getting anything. But it’s your job, because he’s your brother.”