I (23f) and my husband (24m) have been going through infertility for a while We’ve been open with close family about it and that we’re doing IVF, and it’s been super emotional and exhausting. We’ve had failed cycles and it’s just been rough.
a few days ago, his family threw a small birthday dinner for me and his dad. Just something small cake, food, cards, etc. All was fine until I was handed a card from his brother and sister-in-law. It was signed “BIL, SIL, their toddler and baby #2.”
So yeah, that was their pregnancy announcement.
To me.
In front of everyone
As soon as I opened it everyone went totally quiet and just stared. Some even pulled their phones out to record. I tried to smile and said “Congratulations” because I didn’t want to be awkward. I really tried to seem happy but I think my face gave me away. I was frozen. I wanted to get up and hug her but I just couldn’t move. I asked “When are you due?” and a little more small talk then kinda looked away hoping someone would change the subject.
Then they pushed my husband to read the card too. He’d been in the kitchen and hadn’t seen it. Everyone kept waiting for his reaction too. He just gave a small smile and didn’t say anything. I could tell he was hurt too.
Then came the part that really messed with me everyone else in the room had already known. They were all talking about how they found out weeks ago and we were clearly the only ones just now finding out. And it wasn’t even just that it was how it was done. Like why make a big moment of it just for us, the only ones in the room going through IVF?
I AM happy for them truly. And I get that our fertility stuff isn’t other people’s responsibility. I know life doesn’t stop for us. But I also feel like family, knowing what we’re going through, could’ve been more thoughtful about how they told us. It didn’t feel sweet it felt like a setup. I felt like we were put up on display to see how it would affect us. Idk if it’s just my anxiety or what.
I didn’t cry or make a scene. I got through the rest of the night and congratulated them. But when we got home I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I even called my sister and told her what happened and she was like, “Umm yeah… that’s weird. And kinda rude actually.”
So yeah… AITA for thinking the whole thing felt kinda insensitive even if that wasn’t the intent?
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I (23f) and my husband (24m) have been going through infertility for a while We’ve been open with close family about it and that we’re doing IVF, and it’s been super emotional and exhausting. We’ve had failed cycles and it’s just been rough.
a few days ago, his family threw a small birthday dinner for me and his dad. Just something small cake, food, cards, etc. All was fine until I was handed a card from his brother and sister-in-law. It was signed “BIL, SIL, their toddler and baby #2.”
So yeah, that was their pregnancy announcement.
To me.
In front of everyone
As soon as I opened it everyone went totally quiet and just stared. Some even pulled their phones out to record. I tried to smile and said “Congratulations” because I didn’t want to be awkward. I really tried to seem happy but I think my face gave me away. I was frozen. I wanted to get up and hug her but I just couldn’t move. I asked “When are you due?” and a little more small talk then kinda looked away hoping someone would change the subject.
Then they pushed my husband to read the card too. He’d been in the kitchen and hadn’t seen it. Everyone kept waiting for his reaction too. He just gave a small smile and didn’t say anything. I could tell he was hurt too.
Then came the part that really messed with me everyone else in the room had already known. They were all talking about how they found out weeks ago and we were clearly the only ones just now finding out. And it wasn’t even just that it was how it was done. Like why make a big moment of it just for us, the only ones in the room going through IVF?
I AM happy for them truly. And I get that our fertility stuff isn’t other people’s responsibility. I know life doesn’t stop for us. But I also feel like family, knowing what we’re going through, could’ve been more thoughtful about how they told us. It didn’t feel sweet it felt like a setup. I felt like we were put up on display to see how it would affect us. Idk if it’s just my anxiety or what.
I didn’t cry or make a scene. I got through the rest of the night and congratulated them. But when we got home I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I even called my sister and told her what happened and she was like, “Umm yeah… that’s weird. And kinda rude actually.”
So yeah… AITA for thinking the whole thing felt kinda insensitive even if that wasn’t the intent?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because when they annoucned I didn’t react with the kind of excitement they were expecting I didn’t make gestures I feel like it was a planned attack
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
It’s a little odd, but it’s not on the same scale of faux pas as announcing one’s engagement at someone else’s wedding. In this situation you weren’t the hosts. His family (meaning his parents?) hosted a party for your husband and his father; someone else in the family had happy news to share; they shared it, perhaps a bit insensitively, but quite possibly with nothing but good intent. Their sharing of the good news is fine; your reaction is natural.
NAH.
NTA this is really weird. Why would they do it that way? Was that the point of the party? Did they think this would be sensitive ?
I’m clueless. But y’all are pretty young…ot could work out.
NTA They used your birthday celebration to announce a pregnancy knowing well that you are struggling with infertility. It seems ill intent on their part. You are owed an apology.
NAH. I would be upset. It feels like they are gloating. Putting you on the spot is super insensitive. I’ve been dealing with infertility for years and fertile people love to shove it in your face. People are cruel
NTA, that was very insensitive.
Good luck with your IVF process, I hope it works out for you soon 🤞
Definitely NTA.
You and your husband have been going through some stuff. IVF is not easy to do. And from I’ve heard, it’s expensive. Why did your in-laws keep this news from you for so long? Why did his parents think it was a good idea?
NTA, I think (hopefully) they just did this incredibly awkwardly and actually thought this was the ‘best’ way? They know you’re going through this so I’m thinking… they thought this would be a good idea?!
NTA. That setup was really rude and stupid from BIL and SIL.
Unfortunately when others are experiencing infertility, the fertiles will try to handle it well and they will most certainly fail. SIL got me 3 times with announcements that were like gut punches.
It sucks that everyone else in the room knew. What’s even worse is that I’m sure they all discussed the right way to tell you, and landed on “we will give her a card and sign it including the baby.” Thinking you would be excited enough to warrant recording your reaction was incredibly tone deaf. That said, I don’t think it was malicious. Just thoughtless.
Infertility is a lonely road that few will walk with you. I’m so sorry this happened. I’m also sorry that they will never understand the impact this had on your and your husband.
NTA
nta. bil and sil are inconsiderate
unnecessary malicious timing.
they knew you would react the way you did. seems to me that they set it up to where you would have a public reaction to villianize you and your husband.
NTA. they do not emphasize or respect you.
NTA just no. It was at a party for you and your FIL, I feel like anyone would see this as wrong. Not only was it a slap in the face to what you are going through, but also breaks the not announcing your life event at other people’s event rule. I mean they just have to be dense or cruel idk which one. Has there been an history of you guys not getting along?
I mean ask your husband to see what he wants, but I personally would go lc with them and not discuss pregnancy related anything with them.
NTA. This would be strange regardless of your infertility struggles. Why make a point of targeting you for an announcement when everyone else already knows?
NAH. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’ve been going through infertility for about 9 years. Most people who haven’t gone through it are just clueless. I don’t know that I can call them assholes–it seems insensitive for sure, but people just don’t get it. A lot of people also assume that if you’re doing IVF you’re “about to have a baby” so it’s okay to do stuff like this.
You’re not wrong to feel weird about it and it’s okay not to get overly excited. You don’t anyone any certain type of reaction, especially given all that you’re going through.
NTA
NTA. You are going through a deeply traumatic and difficult process.
NTA. That’s really insensitive to do.
i know one of my friends has been struggling to concive, so when i got pregnant with baby nr 2 right away, i told her privately over the phone. I didn’t get a huge happy reaction and didn’t expect to. She’s happy for me but I understand it’s hard.
NTA
That was really rude and insensitive of your BIL and SIL. If they knew about your IVF struggles they should have quietly told you in private via text, so that you knew but could have the space to process the news in your own way. Putting you on the spotlight like that was so unnecessarily cruel.
I had a miscarriage last year while it felt like ALL my friends were falling pregnant successfully. Every pregnancy announcement was extremely painful – and my friends had the decency to let me know privately.
If you’ve told your family about your IVF journey, and that you are struggling, they are fully aware of how painful TTC is and there should be no excuse for nonsense like this.
My advice would be to privately let them know how hurtful the way they announced their pregnancy to you was. Make it clear that it was hurtful. Perhaps because TTC has been easier for them they just don’t understand how difficult your journey has and continues to be.
NTA. Giving you a hug.
Am also struggling with fertility because of health issues and it is a hurtful topic for me and my partner. His little sister, who is very competitive with him, recently announced she got pregnant by accident and keeps messaging him about it. I’ve cried, been angry, refused to engage. You’re 100% valid in your hurt x
NTA but generally speaking 23 is too young to be doing IVF. Studies have shown that aneuploidy rates are at about 40% in your age range and your best odds for healthy eggs is 25-30 with the rates increasing again after that. Of course if you are dealing with intrinsic genetic issues then that’s a whole other subject.
NTA they are weirdos
NTA. Even if you weren’t having fertility issues, it’s still rude to hijack someone else’s event to announce a pregnancy. But the fact that they know you’re struggling makes them malicious assholes
Stop calling your self infertile. That word should not be in your vocab due the the mind body connection! If you believe you are infertile and in you mind you believe that then your body will be like I’m infertile. I’m not gonna make a baby
NTA, they should have not put you on blast like that so publicly considering all that you two are going through. they should have considered you and had more tact. given the circumstances i understand you showing discomfort