My ex-wife and I (both in our 30s) had a very bitter divorce. She cheated on me, tried to make me take responsibility for a child who was unlikely to be mine, had an abortion after she realized I would DNA test that child and would end my parental responsibility if I wasn’t the father, then she accused me of making her miscarry. She tried to ask for alimony and child support when alimony was nowhere near entering the picture. She did get some child support but we shared 50-50 of our two sons so it was never as much as she was hoping for.
She remarried and became a stepmother and a mother again. The other children are all over the place in age. Our sons are 9 and 11.
Our sons have more than their step and half siblings because I can provide these things for them. We go places my ex-wife and her husband cannot afford, they can do as many activities as they want as long as they actually want to do them and I happily pay for that. My kids have a gaming room at my house. They get nice birthday parties with their friends. The works.
My ex-wife and her husband cannot afford this and in the last year they have been more vocal about it because the children in their home feel bad. My ex-wife wanted me to include the other children in the experiences I give my kids and the parties I throw for them but we do everything separate and I have responded via our co-parenting that it is better that we continue doing things separate and that I am not obligated to provide for their children in any way.
This pressure from her has increased since the summer when the kids and I did an extended Disney vacation and then they got a second vacation that included my parents, siblings and their families. My ex-wife said it’s disgusting that I would let the disparity continue to grow and that I show no concern for the other children involved.
As far as I’m concerned they are not my children and therefore not my responsibility and my sons don’t want to include them. But I am prepared to be wrong if that’s what the consensus is because children are involved.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. Your childrens’ providence shouldn’t be limited to what another man can afford.
Some children don’t even get food so maybe the steps should starve to close THAT disparity lol
EDIT: Watch out for shennanigans though. This wouldn’t be the first story of someone stealing from their own kids to give to steps.
NTA, tell her that you are thankful that she chose to abort her child because you see she’s the type of evil person to demand you take care of kids that aren’t yours. Can you file for full custody?
NTA. This one is pretty straightforward. Your kids do stuff with you. She can deal with her own stepchildren – you have no obligation to them.
Just curious though, why you would take anything she says to heart at this point? I’m sure she’s called you worse than disgusting!
NTA. You’re doing what you’re supposed to do, and what you want to do for your kids. If her and her husband can’t afford to treat their kids then same way, that’s their problem.
NTA. Your only obligation is to your own children. Teach them to be humble and not rub it in the siblings faces. That doesn’t mean they can’t talk about what they have or do with you, it means don’t brag and be jerks about it. You’re not responsible for her other kids or their feelings.
NTA. Make certain you have written correspondence of these discussions because you may eventually have to go for full custody because of the behavior of your ex.
NTA, their other kids have 2 parents in the home, plus the step kids have a mother as well so 3 people. Your sons realistically just have you assuming your ex actually pays attention to them over there with that many kids. Don’t let them wear you down. Keep being the great dad your kids need you to be. They made this bed and if they want their kids to have nicer things then they need to take their own kind of action, not place it on you
Go to court to adjust child custody if she keeps this up…document everything. NTA not your kids, not your problem
It’s unfortunate for the children, but not your responsibility. I’d suggest asking your kids how they feel about it though. I wouldn’t be surprised, if your ex or her new partner have been giving your children a hard time about this as well.
NTA, not your kids not your problem.
Also the ex wife gives massive gold digger vibe, espcially with the part about aborting the kid because she knew she wouldn’t be getting money.
EDIT: Next time she asks for you to include her kids tell her that next time she shouldn’t cheat on the good guys who can provide for families and she shouldn’t make kids with losers who cannot. That should shut her up, because you will throw the consequences of her own actions into her face.
Those sorts of disparities are difficult for kids, but that’s a parenting issue for your ex and her husband to handle. They could use this as an opportunity to teach their kids some important lessons.
If your kids are taunting the others or acting arrogant, you need to respond with some parenting of your own, but there is nothing wrong in providing for your kids and expecting them to provide for their kids.
NTA
NTA
Your responsibility starts and ends with ur kids not your ex’s new family. It sucks for foe other children but thats on their parents to figure out not you. You’re already giving your sons good experiences and stability thats what matters. Forcing you to “even it out” would only blur boundaries and create more resentment.
NTA There are a thousand people who would say, “Hey dude, your kids get more than mine got! Not fair. Include them, too!” The others are not your kids. You are responsible for yours, not the world’s.
Now if it is a cheap add, say a night / weekend camping, then consider adding a step/half sibling IF YOUR KIDS WANT THEM. However, that depends on the kids’ relationships with their step/half sibling.
Unequal situations because of split families is a a reality. It sucks, but it is common. It happened 40-50 years ago (grew up with it).
You’re not in the wrong and this may be worth taking to court so that a judge can shut her down as it sounds like she is very manipulative. Talk to your lawyer about options you have, including increased custody so she has more money for her other kids.
NTA. If she didn’t want a disparity then she wouldn’t have broken her family. Once divorced it’s never going to be equal. And I’d bet if she was the one able to do more and your other children (in this scenario) were jealous then she wouldn’t include them or do less for her household.
Take her to court for more custody as she obviously can’t support all these kids. NTA.
Why would she make you responsible for ending the disparity of not-your-kids? Are you a public school that need to take in everybody’s kids? Are you a government program that don’t leave any kids behind?? Are you a social justice organization that hands out cars like Oprah? Please continue to give your best to your kids. Maybe your kids can petition to only live with you and not return to their bad mom’s family. Can’t imagine the bullying they have to go thru if their mom and step siblings keep nagging in their ears how unfair they get Disney trips and game room and stuff. It’s not your kids fault for having a great dad who dotes on them, and it’s not your job to provide charity to your exes kids.
NTA. Not your kids, not your problem.
Ask your sons if they want to spend more time at yours. I would consider getting the custody agreement changed and tell her that since she doesn’t have the money for her other children, you’re happy to take your sons for more time.
She sounds awful.
Protect your sons
Very respectfully tell your cheating ex wife to go fuck herself. You don’t owe her or her kids and step kids anything. If she wanted to have kids economically secure she shouldn’t have cheated on you. But you will not support her cheating ass and the kids she wants to bring to this world. Your only job is to take care of your kids. While you stay away from the other kids and don’t mess with them, they are not your problem. They have a mother and a father. You are not a benefic association.
Man up, even if the consensus (which here can probably the end result) says you are an AH, do not sponsor your cheating ex and her family. They are not your family or your problem, do not be a doormat, pushover.
Nta, she’s got some nerve, ain’t she? New hubby is a bellend for even letting her ask, he really should turn in his man card, he’s a fucking melt… Not your circus, not your monkeys…
Nta. Not your kids, not your problem. The only thing I would ever offer is taking full custody so they have 2 less mouths to concern themselves with.
NTA and just stop responding to any communications that aren’t specifically and exclusively about your shared children.
NTA. Updateme
NTA. Tell her to get a job and shut up. You shouldn’t support her children, and she’s a cheating psychopath to boot which makes it impossible for me to imagine you ever doing anything kind for her.
NTA. Never the AH for not supporting children that are not yours. Life is always going to be full of inequities.
Make sure your kids bring nothing of value to your ex’s house. Sit down and talk with them. Make sure ex isn’t filling their heads with a bunch of BS.
Send the texts to your lawyer. Have him/her send a letter to the ex.
From these other children’s perspective YTA. It’s not their fault that their dad remarried and now they have to be so close to a lot of experiences they dream about but can’t have.
I’d sit down to think about this and pretend your ex doesn’t exist. If your children were living with any other children, would you really exclude them from absolutely everything? The nice thing to do is include their step siblings in some things sometimes.
Some events are strictly your family events, but try to be thoughtful of children in general. You’re raising your own sons to see them as less than and teaching them that excluding people you dislike is the right thing to do. I’d see what you can do to help them live the best life possible and that includes treating their step siblings with respect and care.
Your ex wife is missing some screws…. Did she fall and bump her head???
It’s disgusting that she cheated on you and broke up your marriage and your children’s family. She should have been a part of the parties and the trips has she kept her vows. You aren’t responsible for the other children she’s had or claimed afterwards.
NYA. It is unfortunate for the other children but they are not your responsibility. I had it a little different growing up where my parents were divorced, remarried and had other children. My sister and I were neglected at both homes in favor of the new family. It’s nice to see a dad stepping up with his kids and giving them everything they need for a good childhood, at least in your home. Kinda sounds like the mom’s house is not a good environment.
Create the problem, make it worse, add more children, live beyond your means and be mad about the disparity.
Congratulations on her being your ex. NTA. Let her know they can just live with you full time if that makes it better.
Should you also provide for your kids classmates because they’ll be sad that they don’t have the things your kids do? That makes as much sense as what your ex is suggesting. NTA
Woman from your past wants you to take care of her kids, do I have that right?
NTA, your children are your responsibility, her children have no more relationship to you then the neighbors kids and you wouldn’t take them to Disney either.
“my sons don’t want to include them”. There is your answer. It’s not about her or you or anyone else. If your sons wanted more of a relationship with their step and half siblings, then you would do that for them, right? NTA
NTA – you are not related to these children. They are not your responsibility. You will need your money for your children’s college education.
NTA – your responsibility is to your 2 kids. Tell her ! you will take your boys full time, and the disparity disappears.
NTA.
NTA
You are not responsible for their kids and their financial situation.
But you are responsible for the (mental) health, upbringing and financial situation of your own sons and it looks like you’re nailing it.
Keep up the good work
NTA. Sounds like a good opportunity for your ex and her husband to explain to their kids about entitlement and responsibility. Its also a great opportunity for them to learn how to be more actively involved parents so none of their kids feel like they didn’t get loved enough.
NTA. It’s a shame if your ex-wife can’t afford to provide for her children but they aren’t your responsibility.
I may be wrong but at some point your kiddos will have a say on who they get to stay with 100% of the time
NTA. These are not your children. You don’t take your neighbor‘s kids to Disneyland along with yours, either, do you? So why would you bring some other kids you have a very vague connection to?
You know I can understand how your ex feels it was her choice and her actions that put her in this situation. It was her choice to have additional children with someone who clearly doesn’t have the available income you have and it is hard. It is hard as a parent to say well. I know that these two got to go to Disney but we can’t afford to take you. It’s a reality of life and it’s hard for parents to deny children. Something that sibling whether it’s half or step or full is doing. I mean in a way it’s no different than having a couple of kids and the best friend of one of the kids comes from a well to do family and they take your child to Disney with them because they agree to take their child’s best friend. But they’re not going to take the rest of your family and it’s not their responsibility. They’re being very generous to pay for the one child, but it leaves the parents of the children trying to explain. We just can’t afford it. He’s lucky he’s got a friend whose family offered to take him and pay the expenses. We just don’t have that money and it’s heartbreaking for a parent and I do understand that.
You do have one other option and that is you’re willing to take full custody of your own children with her only having visitation not asking for any child support from her and not giving her any money so that it limits how drastic the difference between homes is
Yeah she’s unlikely to take it. She wants the money but legally you have no responsibility morally you have no responsibility. It was her choices. It’s all on her. You gladly would take full responsibility for your actual children not pay her support and if she only wants limited contact with her own children to avoid making the other kids jealous, you will understand and respect it.
And honestly you talk to a lawyer. Keep a record of all the complaints you get and everything else and go back into court showing the issues and the fact that if your actual children take any grief from her or the other kids because they actually do more things own more. Things have more advantages and so on because generally in these situations the parent trying to guilt the ex into paying for kids that aren’t theirs. Will try and manipulate the shared child or children or punish them or whatever to try and force the issue. And it may be enough for you to go into court, take custody and limit her contact to supervised visitation in a way. They are doing a version of alienation of affection and child abuse even though it may not raise technically to either one. It is emotional abuse to the kids. If she is trying to manipulate bully or coerce them into demanding you take their half and step siblings to do all these things that you can afford and she can’t.
So you’re doing nothing wrong but I think at this point you need to talk to a good attorney or the best you can get in with and see what it would take to build an actual case to take full custody and severely limit her visitation if what I suspect is true. And admittedly, from what you said, I have no proof this is happening, but I know how many other people have been in similar situations and the kids are actually punished. In some ways for having advantages are bullied into trying to ask the other parent to share it with their brothers and sisters. There’s definitely manipulation coercion bullying that goes on and I think you need to address it now and a good lawyer would be able to make a case or tell you what additional information you need. It may mean taking your kids to a counselor who understands this for counseling because of the situation and the Dynamics of the situation.
Definitely. I think they’re going to need counseling because you don’t know what psychological and emotional abuse and pressure is being applied and I really really strongly recommend talking to a lawyer and finding what counselor they recommend to be able to get legitimate testimony from the kids to take custody away from her shouldn’t even be shared custody. You should have full custody. She should have supervised visitations until they are old enough to make the decision on their own
You have no responsibility for kids that are not yours. If your ex is so bothered by it, she can get a 2nd job or something and provide it to them.
NTA Since it’s so hard on the other kids maybe you should just get full custody so they don’t have to see it anymore. It’s not your fault she married a broke guy who can’t give his kids what you give yours.
NTA
I would document everything, and take her back to court if she puts up with this nonsense.
Nta only obligation is to your children. I would just tell her it is not up for discussion.
NTA this has nothing to do with you. If her and her new husband are having financial difficulties then why did they go ahead and have more children? Secondly, is she working? If not then she needs to get off her ass and get a full-time job and maybe then she can afford a little more for her new family. Why should your son get less than you can afford because they’re step siblings parents can’t afford the. That wouldn’t be fair at all.
NTA. As a father, your responsibility is to your children. You have two children, those are who you have a responsibility towards. Your ex’s step-kids and bio kids with new husband are nothing to do with you. They’re not your kids, not your responsibility. Plus, your boys don’t want them involved, it wouldn’t be a good idea to force that on them.
If your ex wants her kids, step and husband’s with her, to have the same things and experiences as your kids, she needs to find a way to get it for them herself. They’re her responsibility, not yours. Plus, the steps probably have their mother in their lives, plus two sets of grandparents for all of them. If ex and her husband can’t afford these things, they can ask their actual families and the other parent of the steps to pay up.
Keep things separate. And keep everything logged on that app. It could be used in court to increase your custody time, which would have the added bonus of decreasing or stopping child support payments from you to her, and likely end up with her paying child support, instead. Other than logging everything and being ready to go back to court if necessary, keep being a great dad to your boys and keep refusing to take on ANY responsibility for ex’s new family, they’re nothing to you.
NTA. She cheated and downgraded. Not your fault. Giving her kids a nice present for their birthdays, Christmas would balance it out. But when I say nice, I don’t mean expensive or an iPhone. Maybe a neat toy or nice clothes. Occasionally take everyone out for ice cream or hamburgers or something. Everyone gets to know each other, you paid, etc. But it’s McDonald’s and ice cream shops. Hardly a trip to Disney.
My cousin does this with his ex wife and her new husband. Buys nice gifts but never anything above and beyond. And taking them on trips is just asking for mouse and cookie scenarios.
This is her wanting you to provide past the termination of your moral reason to do so.
NTA, and your ex is a lunatic.
Nta. Tell her if she is so concerned about disparity then give up her parental responsibilities to you 100%
I think you should invite them to any local birthday parties for your children as they are their half and step siblings, but that’s where the obligation, if any, ends. If they want the children in their marriage better provided for, then it’s their obligation to do so, not yours.
If she and her husband want their kids to have the same experience then they should find more money. The fact that your sons don’t want them to be a part of it also says alot. definitely NTA
NTA. Different families have different lives. You’re only responsible for the children in your family. You have no responsibility to provide for you ex’s family, You didn’t produce those kids and aren’t related to those kids. You ex will have to explain to the kids that there will continue to be differences because they have different parents. Tell her you thought about what she said, but feel comfortable with things as they are. Remind her that you are the father to only two children. Maybe it’s time to talk about revising the custody arrangements? She can see the boys every other weekend so her other kids aren’t so jealous.
They trippin!!! I would let them come over when I have my kids if my kids wanted them too but otherwise tell them ex and her husband to EAD
The best revenge for you would be to include all the kids and then they ditch her as soon as they become adults. Esh but if you can you should include the other kids too
>My ex-wife said it’s disgusting that I would let the disparity continue to grow
“Right?! It’s disgusting you cheated on me but here we are! At least I am worried about providing for the my kids as per the agreement. Toodles”
NTA tell her to have her new man get a second job if it’s that important for her cheating ass to have these experiences with her kids. Why would you provide for kids that you have no financial obligation to? She is just pissed that she messed up the marriage where she had it good financially.
“You’re right, I don’t concern myself with kids that aren’t mine, just as you showed no concern for our cows.”
NTA. Not only are you protecting your own boundaries- you are protecting your children’s boundaries and accounting for their wants/needs by not including them. There would be no difference in responsibility if you had no kids with her. Remember that people like her use F.O.G. to get their way. Fear, Obligation, and Guilt. She’s definitely using a false obligation and guilt in an attempt manipulate you. Why make more money to provide those things when they can just try to reap the benefits of your work instead?
Stand your f***ing ground. Document everything. Take it to court if necessary.
NTA. Perhaps you should get primary custody since the ex and her new hubby are upset about the disparity? It would free up some money so they could give their kids more.
NTA, she made her choice and now she has to live it. You are responsible for your children.
Absolutely NTA. The audacity your ex has to ask you to provide for children that aren’t even yours is astounding.
NTAH but I give her credit for trying. To be clear, the credit I give her on that she’s a huge entitled asshole. You do not have any obligation to care for children who are not yours. I’m betting mom and stepfather lay the guilt on thick t9 your kids when they’re there. Don’t take away their safe space.
Def NTA. If she cant provide for her other children like you are providing for yours (good job btw dad!) That is not your problem.
NTA
NTA- your obligation is to your sons only, period!!
NTA if you are just providing your kids with material things and experiences that you would even if you weren’t harboring negative feelings toward your ex. YTA if you are deliberately spoiling your children and teaching them to show off just to spite your ex and other children. While you don’t owe your ex anything more than whatever child support the court ordered, using your kids to make yourself feel like you are winning would be gross and teaching them to be materialistic would ultimately harm them too. Only you know what your intentions are so I don’t think anyone else can answer the question.
Certainly not the ah, but I hope the step and hlf siblings don’t start to resent your children for it. Are they getting along? Do they want them included? Please keep an eye on your kids.
NTA.
Your ex made her choices. She could have ensured that ALL her children had the same opportunities if she had just been faithful to you. She chose to spread her legs for multiple men instead.
Not your monkey, not your circus NTA
NTA. You’re only responsible for your two sons. Is it unfortunate that the step/half siblings don’t get to do all the fun things, sure however that’s your ex and her husband’s responsibility not yours.
Definitely NTA!! Maybe your ex shouldn’t have had so many kids. Oh and they’re not your kids! OMG! Why does she think you need to pay for them too? Tell her and her husband to get better paying jobs! And remind her they’re not your kids!! Goodness! What a piece of work!
NTA, and holy shit, if that first paragraph is true, your wife is an absolute monster, and if I were you, I would try to petition for more custody of your own children since she’s clearly struggling to raise them.
NTA but…….. it’s really hard on kids to have all those luxuries in their face but not be able to touch them. I hope you are having ongoing conversations with your sons about being discreet about things like gaming rooms and Disney vacations. “Yeah we had a lot of fun at Disney! My favorite ride was ___.” Not endlessly talking about a trip the other kids can’t go on.
Nta. This sounds like you are being fair, as long as your kids aren’t bragging about it and being little AHs, good on you for being a great dad. Try get full custody.
NTA! Your exes kids are not yours. Any issues she’s having are hers and hers alone. I would be asking your kids if they are getting treated badly at their mother’s house or talked to like they don’t deserve what they are given by you if it isn’t shared with their step sibs. This can be grounds for a full custody hearing. Your kids are also getting of age where they can tell a judge what they want.
OP finally got to the most important point in his last paragraph. His kids don’t want to include their step and half siblings. Nor OP does want to include them. This is an unfortunate have/have not situation and the ex needs to help her kids understand. This is life. It happens.
NTA at all!! Someone else’s children are simply NOT your responsibility. If she and her husband can’t afford it then they need to figure that out on their own. Why would anyone think YOU should carry that responsibility. The concept is absolutely LAUGHABLE!
NTA!!!
NTA- not your pig, not your farm.
I can’t get over the audacity she has to expect YOU to provide for her step kids and other spawn. She cheats and then wants YOU to provide for her new family? Fuck her! She’s an asshole for asking. What an entitled selfish loser she is!
Yes and no. It sounds like after the ex said something, you increased how much you were doing, like you were trying to show the wife she messed up and lost something good. Showing off and rubbing things in her face would make YTA.
But, only you know your true intentions. However, you also need to consider that you are actively damaging your children’s relationship with their siblings. If you aren’t careful, it may be destroyed beyond repair. In the end, after you and your ex have passed away, how big their support circle of family is depends on the relationships they are building now with their siblings and the catalyst for destroying it is in your hands.
NTA. Your ex and her husband are pretty entitled.
NTA
The only exception is if you are throwing like a joint holiday or party where step kids are involved then of course they should have the same access to the things/gifts that the other children have. Otherwise what is done during her custody time is none of your business (EDIT: as long as they are not being harmed, obvs)
NTA – But I do feel bad for all the kids in this situation, none of them did anything wrong.
Bruh you know you’re not doing anything wrong. I get how she’s getting on your nerves but you caring for your kids enough to give them whatever you can doesn’t require Reddit karma farming
Like you said, the other kids are not your responsibility. She can go to hell. Its ok to to provide your children with fun adventures and its ok to feel bad for the other kids but life isnt fair. Maybe your ex and her new home wrecker can step up and figure out how to provide these things for their children too. NTA.
The answer is “No!” spoken very clearly.
NTA – ex and her whatever he is, should not be having kids they cannot provide for. It’s really that simple.
It’s hilarious that your ex-wife thinks her other children are entitled to benefit from you when there is no relation. If they can’t provide those things for their children then that is their issue not yours.
So you throw parties for your kids and don’t invite these kids? And she raises them together? If so, yes you are the asshole. Does she do things and tell your kids they can’t attend because this is with your step dad, only his real kids can attend. You can dress a story up in your favor but this one sounds a lot like you causing issues.
NTA-only thing you have to worry about is your kids.
ESH. It sounds like you are still quite angry at your ex. All of the things you mention–a dedicated gaming room, fancy Disney trips, nice birthday parties, trips that your ex can’t afford–smells like “competitive parenting” to me. Her response is completely inappropriate–there’s no way you should be including her other kids during your parenting time.
What are you trying to accomplish here? Do you want to keep rubbing your ex’s face in the fact that you can spend more money on your kids than she can? Or do you want to raise a couple of decent human beings? It might be better for your sons if you dialed back the experiences and focused more on just spending time together, doing low key activities, and doing say one or two big experiences a year rather than frequently.
NTA. One thing I would advise is to keep a sharpish eye on the situation. It sounds like she might be to the point that she’s so frustrated that you won’t cave to her demands that she starts to take it out on your boys.
NTA – Why should you give your children less because her and her husband went on to have more kids they can’t afford? It’s not your job to provide for her kids/stepkids either. They need to do better🤷♀️
I never understood people that went on to have more kids when money is tight then expect the coparent to do less so they feel better.
She left her beautiful life to a struggle life and blame you lol typical cheaters syndrome! The grass is never greener on the other side 😂
NTA. Go for full custody. She’ll fight you because she wants the child support, but show the court that it’s in the best interest of the children (use that phrase) that they live with you full time.
She made her bed.
You are not wrong.
your ex and her man needs to starting smarter.
NTA. She has the life she chose and worked for. If she doesn’t like it, she needs to make some changes. You’re only obligated to your children.
This is a tough one. While they are your son’s half brothers/sisters and will feel bad about the disparity to you they are the no different than the neighborhood friends your boys have and maybe also would be envious .
But this is life and as long as your kids don’t brag or lord it over their less fortunate siblings you have no obligation to your ex and her new family.
NTA – I feel bad for the ex’s kids cuz it sucks feeling left out BUT it sounds like your ex is the one pushing this and not your sons. If they want their time with Dad to be just THEIR time with Dad, that’s fine. It’s your parenting time. You can’t be forced to also parent your ex’s kids because you have a higher income. That’s insane.
NTA. As long as your kids aren’t being jerks about the difference, there’s no reason for you to feel anything here. If your kids are being jerks, then you need to step up and have a discussion about their behaviour. That’s the real thing here. Your children and their responses. If you are using this to flaunt it in your ex’s face, that’s a big problem. Using your children as weapons and giving them a sense of entitlement is only harming them. (I am not saying this is happening, just bringing it up for your awareness.)
Now, if you notice an issue, like lack of food, or your kids stuff going missing, that may need to be addressed.
Also, if your children want to include their step-siblings in activities, then do what you would with any friend.
NTA but don’t let your bitterness over your relationship get in the way of being a good co-parent. It doesn’t do your kids any favours to be at odds with thier step siblings.
Seen quite a few posts like this and really have to wonder what goes through these women’s mind. How in gods name would it ever be the case that a man should be responsible for his ex wife’s kids with another man. Like seriously you’d have to be insanely delusional to think your ex husband should/could/is responsible for her children with her current husband. NTA.
She chose the life she is giving her children. She had another child when she couldn’t afford the step children she took responsibility for. She feels entitled to be supported in a style she’s not willing to work to achieve.
NTA I need parents across the board to start teaching their kids that not everyone gets the same stuff all the time and stop demanding that others don’t indulge in things they can’t.
There is always going to be disparities in what children have and can do. The ex’s child and step kids have no more of a relationship with you and your parents than other kids living in your neighborhood. She wouldn’t expect you to invite neighbor kids to Disney. Why would you invite her kids that you don’t know?
NTA for providing things for your kids that your ex wife can’t for her other kids.
However, I think it’s important to point out that your kids are still young and it’s important to also teach them grace and humility. This doesn’t mean giving their step/half siblings their things. But it does mean your kids shouldnt be rubbing their “extras” in their step/half siblings faces. It’s easy, especially for young kids, to show off all their new fancy toys and brag about their things. It doesn’t mean they are doing it maliciously, but it’s important to remind them to have grace and consider the other person’s feelings.
All of this being said, maybe you already teach them this. But since you haven’t mentioned anything about this, I thought it was worth noting.
I do think it’s important to teach all children that just because they have more than others, doesn’t mean that others who don’t have as much are beneath them, or deserve scorn, or deserve to be treated poorly.
NTA. If your children wanted to invite them, then I feel like you could include them, but you still wouldn’t be required to. If your children aren’t asking, then there is no reason to do so. Yes, there are disparities in life. My child has more than some friends. That doesn’t obligate me to bring a friend with us on vacations. Or give them gaming systems.
NTA. Your kids are your responsibility. Her new family is hers. You have zero responsibilities towards them. The level of entitlements these days is unreal.
“No.”
Your wife blew up her life and now she wants you to improve the new life she chose for herself?
Does she ever hear herself?
You’re doing great. Disparities do suck, but so does betrayal.
NTA
The one who created all the half/ step mess is your ex wife and the one responsible for it is HER
You don’t have to take HER kids anyplace, these aren’t your kids. Your only duty is with yours
If that affects this so much, maybe she should give you full custody?
NTA. They are completely separate families and you are not responsible for their kiddos. Her hubby needs to get a better job if this is such a problem.
NTA. Even if you’d parted amicably, these aren’t your kids and you aren’t responsible for their feelings. If your children want to include them then they could be included with the same stipulations as any other friend, but you’re under no obligation to give them anything.
She’s nuts. Absolutely NTA. The fact that she wants you to extend your lifestyle to children that are not yours (and some not even hers) is craaaazy. As a mother I can’t imagine trying to push my kids on any other person, ex or not. If she wants her other kids to live like yours then she and her husband should make enough money to do so. Problem solved!
I may have recommended at least including the other kids in the birthday celebrations but if your kids don’t want them there then no need to go against their wishes.
I’m curious…OP, do you know how the kids get along with each other? If they really enjoy being with each other, have they ever asked you to include them?
NTA! That’s her problem along with her husband.
I personally would consider allowing the siblings to attend simple birthday parties. It does build resentment and I would hate for your kids to get picked on in their own home. But if you choose not to, it doesn’t make you a bad guy.
Literally FAFO. Also NTA.
Tell her to go complain to Jeff Bezos that he has more than her and that it’s unfair. So he should fund her life
LOL, in what universe would you be responsible for children that you are in no way related to? She’s deluded. NTA
Sounds like you’re a great father. It’s all about the inner lives of your children. I have been in that situation. It was not my kids who got more, for example the step siblings got their own skis at age 13, my kids were told they had to wait till their feet grew more. You didn’t mention how the kids all get along in the house, but it’s very important they don’t shoulder any of the adult issues. If yours are not having to deal with competitive or resentment from step sibs you and your ex are doing a good job of separate parenting in that regard. You have no obligation to include the other children, but you may find as your kids get into their teens , if they have good relationships, it would be thoughtful and a good model to include them on a little outing periodically. For the birthday parties, I would invite the stepsiblings if your children would like that, probably the ones closer in age, remember on a daily basis they are interacting with these kids.
Meantime you’re providing your kids with good experiences and staying close to them. Keep alert for any conversations you might need to have with them, if anything in that household is messing with their heads, for example making them feel guilty. Icing on the cake is if all the kids grow up getting along well. Mine did, were mature about what they didn’t get and they don’t have any baggage about the step sibs and are close and support each other as adults
NTA my sisters and I had different fathers and While occasionally I might feel it was bummer they did something I didn’t I knew that it was what it was. They should be building some resilience in the other kids. “We can’t afford to do this, when you get older you should aim for a good paying job so you can afford to do this” kinda lesson.
The only thing they can ask for is that your kids don’t rub it into the other kids faces.
NTA those kids aren’t jack shit to you.
I’d only invite them to your kid’s parties if your kids specifically want to include them but anything further like vacations or things like that they can ask their own parents to provide for them
NTA – sounds like THEIR parents needs to find a 2nd job or step
Up their game in some way. Especially since your sons don’t want them included. Kudos to you for being able to provide for your sons.
Suggestion …. Maybe one day include a pizza dinner when dropping off your sons with them, back home.
Also, suggest to your ex-wife to look at Groupon for discounted adventures or functions for HER kids that she needs to be proactive and think about these things for her family.
Also, she could get a night shift job stocking inventory at stores like Wal mart, Costco, grocery markets. This way she’s home with her kids.
Your only obligation is to your kids and it’s also your responsibility to teach them not to be jerks to their half and step siblings or to kids who don’t have it as good as them in general. They can enjoy the good life without rubbing it into anyone’s face. Yes their mom is a cheating gardening tool but the other kids didn’t ask to be put in this situation. Get all discussions with your ex in text whether in a email, co parenting app or text message in case you want to go for full custody.
NTA. The other kids “lacking” isn’t ur business. The other parent just doesn’t want to be embarrassed.
Mmmm so… you’re nta… BUT it probably isn’t good for kids to internalize that they have more than their other siblings like this. Seems like it could lead to a really shitty outlook for your kids where they see themselves as better or more deserving than other people. You don’t have to do anything but it might not be out of line to kick in a couple hundred bucks to make sure they get nicer presents at least.
It would be concerning to me if my kid had a half-sibling that they didn’t want included in things. Why don’t they want them included?
I think I would look at this from your children’s perspective. How do they feel about this? Do they feel pressured or caught on the middle. I tend to take a long term view of things . How will they feel about this as adults?
Maybe you should consider filing for full physical and financial custody. This way your sons only visit her on weekends or during holidays? They may not be getting what they need from their mother who likely is using the support money you give to her for all the kids.
NTA. Her step kids are not your responsibility. Kids all the time encounter kids that have more then they do. This is normal. Now your kids shouldn’t rub things in their step siblings faces. You can talk about empathy and how bragging about things to others is rude.
NTA, If the ex is bringing this up to you a lot. She’s absolutely trashing you to your kids. Make sure they understand your point of view and protect the kids from your ex stealing their shit to give to the other kids. This can get ugly fast when people feel entitled.
I would say if your children wanted them invited, there’s nothing wrong with inviting the other children to a birthday party, but would that also mean the ex and her husband would attend? Vacations are absolutely a no. That is family time with your children making memories between you and them. Your boys are close to an age where they can make the decision regarding where they want to live. If your ex isn’t treating them right at her house, putting you down or talking up this situation, that is parental alienation. They may want to consider moving in with you and visiting the ex. This way they aren’t exposed to your goings on as much as they are currently.
Even if she doesn’t wasnt a complete dickbag its not your problem period!
NTA.
NTA. She made her bed and now she has to lie in it. If it’s uncomfortable, that’s down to her actions.
If your kids are friends with any of the steps, consider inviting them to join your kids for age appropriate fun some times. It doesn’t have to be the super pricey things, just things you’d let your kids invite a friend to.
NTA in any way, shape, or form. You guys keep doing you. I assume from the writing your boys are well mannered and wouldn’t do any bragging. Like people have said as long as your kids aren’t rubbing it the other children’s faces don’t stop doing all you can for your boys.
NTA. period
If mom cannot afford the kids she should give up custody and get her tubes tied
We live in a well off area. We are comfortable but not as well off as many of my daughter’s friends. It’s an opportunity to show her that not everyone’s situation is the same and sometimes she’s not going to get to do things other kids get to do. She’s fine with it as it’s a natural part of life, something important for her to learn. I fail to see how this is any different. NTA.
Nope, not your problem. I’d ask your kids if they wanted to invite their siblings to their birthday party, but that’s as far as I’d go. Your obligation ends at your kids.nta
Nta. They ain’t your obligation, however I’d add the caveat to maybe consider it, if your children ask you to do so
NTA and FTK. Theyre not your kids so their feelings are not your responsibility. Your ex wife needs to take a good look in the mirror and figure out why those kids are so upset.
NTA- It’s not up to you to provide for her and her husbands kids. You take care of your kids , that’s it .
NTA.
Her situation and consequences are not your responsibility.
FTB. You’re handling business and the most important part is what your sons want. If your sons did decide they wanted to share an experience with their other siblings. Then at that point you make the decision.
100% NTA.
Her step children are 100% NOT your concern, nor your responsibility to cushion their lifestyle in any form or fashion.
IF your son’s wanted to include them you could discuss it, but would still not be responsible.
But, as they don’t, they are of no concern nor responsibility of yours.
How do your sons feel? Are they close with any of the other children? Do they want to invite any of them to their parties? I understand your POV, and you have no obligation, but I would certainly allow my children to invite their step/half sibling(s) to parties if they wanted to. Just because you are not friendly with the mom, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be friendly with the kids.
Solution is nobody discusses trips and vacations at all with your wife and her household. Ex wife needs to respect that when she knows of plans and not use the knowledge to make her kids feel bad. As long as your kids aren’t taunting them about the differences, all is well on that end. Now if you can just get your ex to stop jabbering about it. Not your problem. It is a her issue.
NTA This is one of the realities that blended families must deal with.
It is wrong for your ex to try to guilt you into depriving your children of experiences you are able to give them. Your ex should want her children to have the best that is available to them.
She created the situation her other children are in. You have zero obligation to provide anything for children who aren’t yours. If she wants her other children to have the same level of experiences then she and her husband should find a way to increase their income. Their lack.of financial resources for their children isn’t your problem.
I think the only reasonable solution is to explain to your children that their half siblings aren’t able to do some things they can do, like vacations. Help them understand that it can make their half siblings feel bad that they can’t do the same things, and ask your children not to discuss things they are able to experience that may make their half siblings feel bad or jealous.
There’s no reason your kids should be bragging about their awesome trip to Disney to half siblings who can’t go. This will help them understand discretion and develop emotional intelligence. Your ex should also explain to her other children why your kids can do different things than them. This is reality, and the children need to understand it.
Your children should not be punished because your ex and her husband can’t provide them the same things you can to your children. If it bothers them that much, they should figure out how to improve their own financial situation and not shame you for yours.