I (20s, F) come from a family of pretty extroverted, outgoing people, but I’m definitely the more introverted one. My dad is getting married next week, and he asked me if I would give a speech at the wedding reception. The guest list is over 150 people, and honestly, just the thought of standing up in front of that many people makes me incredibly anxious.
I’ve never liked public speaking—it’s something I avoid whenever I can, unless I absolutely have to for uni or work. On top of that, I have important exams earlier in the same week, so I’m already feeling stressed and overwhelmed. To make things worse, I was quite ill this past weekend, which has added to everything piling up.
I told my dad that I didn’t feel comfortable doing the speech, and he was really understanding about it. But I can’t help wondering if he’s only being so understanding because he knows how stressed I am with exams and that I haven’t been feeling well. I could tell he was disappointed, even though he tried not to show it. I know it would mean a lot to him if I did it, and now I feel really guilty for saying no.
To add to this, my dad and I are really close. He does a lot for me and has been incredibly supportive, especially while I’ve been at uni. I honestly hate the idea of letting him down because I care about him so much, but public speaking just fills me with dread. The idea of writing and giving a full speech feels like too much right now, especially with everything else going on.
So… AITA for saying no to the speech even though I know it would make my dad really happy?
The action I took is that I declined to give the speech, even though I know it would make my dad happy and he does so much for me. I’m worried this makes me selfish or ungrateful because I’m putting my own comfort over something that would mean a lot to him.
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I (20s, F) come from a family of pretty extroverted, outgoing people, but I’m definitely the more introverted one. My dad is getting married next week, and he asked me if I would give a speech at the wedding reception. The guest list is over 150 people, and honestly, just the thought of standing up in front of that many people makes me incredibly anxious.
I’ve never liked public speaking—it’s something I avoid whenever I can, unless I absolutely have to for uni or work. On top of that, I have important exams earlier in the same week, so I’m already feeling stressed and overwhelmed. To make things worse, I was quite ill this past weekend, which has added to everything piling up.
I told my dad that I didn’t feel comfortable doing the speech, and he was really understanding about it. But I can’t help wondering if he’s only being so understanding because he knows how stressed I am with exams and that I haven’t been feeling well. I could tell he was disappointed, even though he tried not to show it. I know it would mean a lot to him if I did it, and now I feel really guilty for saying no.
To add to this, my dad and I are really close. He does a lot for me and has been incredibly supportive, especially while I’ve been at uni. I honestly hate the idea of letting him down because I care about him so much, but public speaking just fills me with dread. The idea of writing and giving a full speech feels like too much right now, especially with everything else going on.
So… AITA for saying no to the speech even though I know it would make my dad really happy?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took is that I declined to give the speech, even though I know it would make my dad happy and he does so much for me. I’m wondering if this makes me the asshole for I’m putting my own comfort over something that would mean a lot to him.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Gonna ignore the emdashes and say that no one should feel ‘obligated’ to give a speech unless you’re the MOH. NTA
The question is why is he getting married during your exam time!
I have the same problem. I even took speech in my freshman year. It never got better.
If you know you’re going to get up there and have a quivering voice and weak knees, probably no point.
What you can do is write out a really heartfelt note ( like a speech) and ask him or someone else to read it. Or just let him and his new wife read privately. Whatever you’re more comfortable with.
You can still share a toast, a special thought, without standing and saying it.
If in the moment, you’re feeling particularly brave, you can read it yourself.
Why don’t you write down a “speech” and give it to him the day before or morning of the wedding? He’ll know how much you care, which is really the point, and you can focus on the words without the public speaking
NAH, but if I were you, I’d still do it off the cuff. Don’t over think it. Just a few words to say how happy you are for your Dad and his partner since it would make your Dad really happy.
NTA for not wanting to give a public speech, but I still think you should write the speech, or even just a letter and give it to him before the wedding. Just knowing that his daughter supports him and can take the time to express it is enough
Could you write some bullet point key points, put it into chat gpt to create a speech, record yourself saying it and then have the recording played?
NAH.
Also you need to have confidence in your dad. He said he understands. Second-guessing him on that is not your job. Also, if he understood your stress, that’s not “only”; it’s him being a great dad.
You should not give the speech just because you feel insecure about whether he lied to you about it. He was not an ah to ask, you were not one to refuse, it’s ok for both of you to have feelings about it. Please tell him how much you appreciate his understanding.
(If you have come to the conclusion that you want to do this unpleasant, scary thing to make your dad happy, you are ofc also allowed to change your mind. But please do so only if that’s really what you want, not because you think you have to.)
Why don’t you write a “speech” and if you feel like it in the day you can just do it, if not no harm done as he’s not expecting it.
Be kind to yourself and don’t put too much pressure on yourself
NTA. Your mental wellbeing is a priority. True love is understanding, not a stage for performance.
I think there might be two issues here.
Stage fright. What can you realistically do about that? Fight it is one option. Ask someone else to read your speech for you and clarify that they are your words. Depending on how swamped and stressed you already are, fighting it might not be the best course of action just this moment. Only you can decide. Long term though? For sure. It will boost your confidence long term.
Too high standards for your speech. You might feel like it gives you an added pile of stress because you have a very high bar set for yourself. Maybe you are someone who never settles for good enough, maybe you always want to excel. That is extremely demanding when you got lots of other things going on at once. Do you recognize yourself in black and white thinking? ”If I do it I better do it well, or else there’s no point”.
Message your dad. When you’re an introvert, people can mistake it for not caring. So…be open and upfront about it.
Say, I really love you and I’m so happy for you on your upcoming marriage. With so many extroverts in the family, it’s always been hard to be an introvert, but things like public speaking in front of large groups really scares the hell out of me. I hope you understand. If I could, I would love nothing better than to tell everyone how much I love you, respect you and am proud of you, how much I thank you for being my dad, and how much I wish you a happy marriage. I don’t want you to feel like I’ve let you down, but I hope me telling you this will get the message across to you.
NTA
Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like a week is too little time to be asking someone to prepare a speech like that, especially someone who really dislikes public speaking, especially someone dealing with exams/illness recovery. If this was something he really wanted, he should’ve given you more notice.
NTA. Your comfort matters. Speeches aren’t for everyone. Maybe write him a heartfelt letter expressing your feelings and he can read it when he’s alone. It could mean much more to him.
NTA. Is it a shotgun wedding? Could he not have given more notice? Seems like you love your dad & have no issues with the marriage. Could you do a slideshow of photos with a voiceover? Could you have him write it & you read it?
A lot of people feel this way. But if it would make your dad happy maybe give it a try and if you get overwhelmed have someone take over for you? Or you write your own words and either give it to him privately or maybe get someone he likes to read it for you. Then you get to be sentimental but not on the spot. If he does a lot for you then I feel you should try only if you can. Instead of doing nothing though there a Lee a few suggestions to help. Good luck
No, you’re NTA. You have a lot going on. If you feel like it the day of, go ahead.
Slight YTA cause it’s an incredibly important day in his life and I’m sure you’d be crushed if he said he was too busy to give a speech at your wedding.
I think a good compromise would be to offer to write and record a speech for him on video & he can play it at the reception. If he doesn’t want that or doesn’t have the audio-visual set up for it then at least you know you tried your very best & he can see that you truly do care.
Do this instead!
Create a montage of your dad and new stepmom and record a voice over of how amazing he is!
This can be played during the wedding and you don’t have to deal with stage fright and your dad will be so happy 💜
Write the speach you’d liked to give but am not really able to. But one of those huge cards and write it down in that card. Put it at a prominent position on the gift table and make sure to sign it.
I get that it would mean a lot to your dad and also his new partner to have you give a speech. He even asked you, that’s how much it would mean. But he handled your rejection gracefully and is not trying to guilt you.
But please do something. You can offer a daddy/daughter dance if you could be ok with that. And even if you do that too, please do the card. Write it down for him. I can promise you that is something he’ll treasure even if he does not get to hear you speak it.