I (30F) cut my dad out of my life a couple of years ago. My parents (I’ll call them C and Y) had me when they were both 19. They were dating in college when my mom got pregnant, but broke up shortly after. My dad, Y, moved to another state not long after I was born and told my mom he wouldn’t really be involved.
For most of my life, it was just me and my mom with help from her family, her best friend, Y’s dad and stepmom, and later my stepdad (P), who entered our lives when I was 2 and married my mom when I was 4. P has been everything a dad could/should be. I call him “Dad” and have never felt like I was missing anything.
When I got older, Y decided he wanted to be in my life. Starting around age 6 or 7, he would visit once or twice a year. He’d take me to see his family and do fun outings like the zoo or dinner. But the visits always felt awkward and forced . He was a stranger to me, and I was often surrounded by people I didn’t know. I didn’t look forward to them.
Even though I voiced my discomfort, my mom didn’t want to create conflict. There was no formal custody agreement, just a verbal one, and she hoped we could build a relationship. Y would also occasionally send money instead of formal child support.
These yearly visits continued until I was about 16 which is when Y went to prison for a non-violent charge. During this time, it gave me a chance to breathe. I didn’t have to gear up emotionally for awkward visits or phone calls.
After a couple of years, he got out and wanted to restart contact. I was 18 or 19 at the time and told him I wanted to have a real conversation about our relationship. When he visited, I told him that I didn’t feel close to him and that his visits felt more like an obligation.
Instead of hearing me out, he got defensive and said I had it “all wrong” and that he only ever wanted what was best for me. I told him I didn’t want visits anymore and needed space to figure out what I wanted going forward.
The next few years were strained with little to no contact.
Two years ago, I blocked his number and the numbers of extended family who kept reaching out trying to guilt me. Since then, I’ve felt more at peace and less emotionally conflicted.
Here’s where the current issue comes in…
My husband and mom think I’m being too harsh. He continues to send birthday gifts/cards for my kids (who he has never met), and they believe he hasn’t done anything to warrant full no contact. They think I should give him a chance to “redeem himself.”
But to me, I already gave him chances. And when I did, he didn’t listen or show real accountability.
So, AITA for not giving my dad a chance to redeem himself?
Comments
He chose to be absent. You tried to communicate but he got defensive towards your feelings. And cutting contact brought you peace. It seems like you were completely reasonable and did the best thing for you:) NTA
NTA — you absolutely have the right to set boundaries for your own peace of mind, and no one—not even your husband or mom—has lived your exact experience.
That said, just out of curiosity:
Do you want your kids and husband to also
be no-contact with him long-term?
Do you believe it’s wrong of him to try and redeem himself now?
Or maybe, is there just… nothing he could ever do that would change how you feel?
These aren’t judgments—just questions that might help you reflect on where you want things to stand in the future.
Either way, it sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and you’re doing what feels right. That’s valid.
Ultimately you’ve got to do what you feel is right for you. He wasnt there at all for the first 6 years of your life and walked away from you. After that he wanted to be in your life but only once or twice a year. That continued for the next 10 years. The question I would ask you is do you feel like he made an honest attempt during those years? Ignore whether or not you saw him as a father figure. In a perfect world , would you like to have some sort of relationship with him, even if you call him Y and call your step-dad “dad”?
NTA
Maybe ask your husband and mom what he could do to redeem himself. What would a worthy redemption look like? How would he make up for missing your entire childhood by choice? Is he going to pay back all those years of missing child support? What could he actually do for you to make up for his complete failure to fulfill even one single duty as a parent?
No contact isn’t a punishment. It’s what contact with complete strangers normally looks like. Because that’s all he is.
I think YTA here.
As an older woman who thinks my step-dad is a way better dad then my own father, I can understand that preference. Bio dad was a dead beat in every sense of the word. No child support, years between visits and very few calls. Per what you relate I don’t think you ever gave your dad or your paternal family a chance. I adore my paternal grandparents and Aunt. Got to see a lot of them in place of my dad’s presence because they made the effort to be involved. Kinda wish paternal grandma hadn’t tried so hard to make him step up and be present. That was the drama and trauma of my relationship with my bio dad.
Per your story line when you were kinder or first grade he did step and an made an effort. Would you have wanted bi-weekly visitation? Weren’t your circumstances better then that? At 18 you told him you didn’t want any more visits and you ended the visits. I am not surprised you didn’t feel close. But from your story your dad has made efforts, way more than mine, to connect and be involved so I don’t understand the angst. I’ve got stories about monster step moms (5) and being dropped with women while he would disappear for a whole week. Women I never met a second time during parental visits. You don’t relate any such trauma. Looks like you have always made an extreme effort to block any contact at all with your dad and paternal family and now as a legal adult, your mom can’t make that stick. Sounds like your close family don’t understand your position on this either. Have you considered a therapist. Is this all about the choice to not marry your mom, live with you and raise you?
NTA. Life is much better without the people who drag us down in life.
Your sperm donor drags you down.
Tell him if he wants a relationship with you first he needs to pay you all the owed child support. If he does, them you can decide if you want him in your life, if you don’t. Tell him to fuck off and enjoy your money.
NTA, do whatever gives you the most peace. Perhaps you can allow him to see the grands on a holiday, any holiday, to see how he is with them. And perhaps go from there…