I moved out 3 months ago, our baby is 18 months and they obviously grow like weeds at this age!
He’s always made a lot more money than me (like 8x what I made).
Money was always contentious with us. I made mid 5 figures but obviously that didn’t compare to his mid 6 figures.
He doesn’t have the time to be able to have our baby during the week as he can’t get her to nursery/ pick her up. He’s also stayed in our family home.
When I moved out he kept half of everything for her. Clothes and toys, even bottles. Said it was fair as she’d obviously be spending time there too.
Now the issue is, she’s starting to outgrow her clothes and some of her toys. He says I should be sending her bags fully packed to spend weekends with him. Claims because she’s growing so quick and she spends so few nights here that it’s pointless him buying her a full wardrobe.
Also wants me to send her with the correct size nappies so he’s not being “wasteful”.
He’s offering to pay me to do this. But I feel like this is overstepping coparenting. We broke up, I don’t see why he gets the benefit of me playing housewife.
On the other hand. The only person really suffering is my daughter being sat in too small nappies and too small clothes every week.
He’s claiming it’s no more effort than I’m currently making as I could just buy 2 sets at the same time and he’d give me the money back.
Am I the asshole?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I moved out 3 months ago, our baby is 18 months and they obviously grow like weeds at this age!
He’s always made a lot more money than me (like 8x what I made).
Money was always contentious with us. I made mid 5 figures but obviously that didn’t compare to his mid 6 figures.
He doesn’t have the time to be able to have our baby during the week as he can’t get her to nursery/ pick her up. He’s also stayed in our family home.
When I moved out he kept half of everything for her. Clothes and toys, even bottles. Said it was fair as she’d obviously be spending time there too.
Now the issue is, she’s starting to outgrow her clothes and some of her toys. He says I should be sending her bags fully packed to spend weekends with him. Claims because she’s growing so quick and she spends so few nights here that it’s pointless him buying her a full wardrobe.
Also wants me to send her with the correct size nappies so he’s not being “wasteful”.
He’s offering to pay me to do this. But I feel like this is overstepping coparenting. We broke up, I don’t see why he gets the benefit of me playing housewife.
On the other hand. The only person really suffering is my daughter being sat in too small nappies and too small clothes every week.
He’s claiming it’s no more effort than I’m currently making as I could just buy 2 sets at the same time and he’d give me the money back.
Am I the asshole?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Am I the asshole for not just giving in and buying extra clothes and nappies etc so my ex can appropriately take care of our daughter? He’s offering to pay for everything so it’s more a boundaries issue than anything else
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Hell no NTA. He can just go online and order a bunch of clothes and nappies. It would take him 20 minutes maximum. It’s not your job to stock his home with the things he needs to be a parent.
I mean, he is offering to pay for the extra clothes and nappies needed for his house. IMO you would be the asshole to let your child be uncomfortable in clothes and nappies too small to ‘prove a point’ to dad, who most likely wouldn’t get it anyway
Honestly- the solution is to just have him pay for all the clothes. Don’t even tell him. At his income he won’t tell the difference. Then you won’t feel taken advantage of. Your daughter isn’t the one who should suffer.
NTA. Tell him that if he doesn’t have the appropriate sized clothes and nappies, you’ll have to go to court to look at whether he’s fit to have her overnight at all. He needs to fully parent his child as a coparent and it starts now. This may seem fairly minor but it will set a precedent. It needs to be clear now.
NTA. Do it for your daughter, but make him pay you in advance, and make sure the clothes you send her in come back with her each time.
Or: Apply for a change in the custody agreement because he’s not adequately providing for her when she’s with him.
[deleted]
NTA he wants you to do all the shopping uncompensated. All the mental load of finding things that fit and match. The time and mental load of packing each time. I bet he also sends them back dirty and you have to take even more time to wash them.
A friend of mine, in a similar situation, really had no choice but to provide the clothing because her ex wouldn’t and as you say the one who suffers is the child. So she’d go to Primark, buy what fits but also what was cheap and those were the “weekend clothes.” 3-4 outfits and make sure they come back to you.
I’m not sure what to say re nappies. Surely he can grab a pack when he’s at Tesco or whatever getting food. NTA.
NTA has he never heard of the internet? Let him do his own shopping
Don’t. Do. It.
He can be a fucking Father. He can go to the store and get the baby the right size clothing. He can go to the store and get her the right size clothing.
Because he DOES all that extra free time during the week when he’s not ACTIVELY WITH THE BABY.
Then tell him not to be wasteful and donate any nappies and clothes she grows out of. He can afford it.
NTA.
depends on the custody arrangement. If you have primary and he is paying full CS, then yes you should be providing. Not a full wardrobe for his place, though, just enough for his parenting time. If its 50/50 then he provides things at his house
NTA, but you’re right, your daughter is the one suffering. If he can’t achieve having the correct sized clothes and nappies on hand for her, should he even have her as much as he does?
NTA. Don’t let him pressure you into doing his parenting work for him because it’s a slippery slope to more.
NTA. Not your job. Tell him the size of nappies or clothes for your daughter’s sake, but unless he is paying you for your time in being his personal shopper, tell him to step up.
Just put him in child support and he’s that money to buy her donte’s for when she goes with him . It’s that simple
NTA, it’s been my experience that if you send clothing, toys, etc to the ex, most of it doesn’t come back. Offer to go shopping for her for his house, either with him or with his credit card. Better yet, create an Amazon list of everything she needs and few wants, like duplicates of her favorite games and toys, and email him the link to the list. He wants you to continue to do wife duties and you’re no longer interested in the position.
Gently, YTA. They’re not your clothes or nappies, they’re your daughter’s.
I suggest having clothes that go backwards and forwards to your ex. Can he set up a delivery with Amazon or whatever for nappies? He should deal with the clothes and nappies that don’t fit anymore though. Food banks would probably take unopened packs
NTA
IF you decide doing the shopping have the money BEFOREHAND because he paying you back is just a trust place he doesn’t deserve. Also I agree about making him paying for most of the stuff if you are going to make extra effort to pick up were he is slacking
What does your custody agreement stipulate? If it says he will provide for her when it’s his parenting time then he’ll have to step up. He can easily order diapers and wipes and clothes to be delivered to his house, probably easier than talking to you about it, so this is obviously a bid to waste your time. If you’re about to say you don’t have a custody agreement, don’t tell me that please. Just write one up and file it with the clerk of court, the judge will look it over and approve it or ask for revisions.
INFO: what is he paying you in child support?
NTA. My cousin’s ex husband did this too. He said he’d bring her to court because she said no and my cousin said go for it. She knew he never would. When their girls were 6 & 10 (so 4 yrs and a new girlfriend later), he tried and the judge basically laughed at him.
Document all of this and go back to court if necessary. It sounds like he needs a court order to be a responsible dad. He should be providing what is needed for the weekend visits. Especially nappies, those are basic needs for your child. If he insists on clothes, I would send four outfits for him to “keep” then he can be responsible for laundering them.
NTA.
It is within his scope of parental duties to get right sized nappies and clothes for your child. It is not rocket science. But if you feel like this will be too much conflict and your daughter will suffer because of it I would actually calculate how much time (shopping, packing, unpacking & laundry) it takes to get her ready to spend the weekend with him and add that to the total cost. I would put the hourly rate at what you make at your job!
This is a slippery slope, for all those saying just do it. FFS he’s a parent too, it’s not hard to put an order in online and have it delivered like the rest of us working parents do – it would take him 10 min to order a couple of changes of clothes, a couple of toys and nappies of the appropriate size every few months. OP you are NTA, if you continue down this track you’ll be doing it for all of time (been there done that trying to facilitate a relationship between a teenager and a father who quite obviously doesn’t GAF). If he wants to be a parent he’ll figure it out.
What’s the custody and support setup?
NTA especially with internet shopping even if he needed to pick things up.
The exact words I would use are “you are a fucking grown up and a father work out how to buy clothes, nappies and toys for your own child yourself”
Don’t let him use his own incompetence against you!
NTA but take home yup on the offer of being paid for it. He can afford to to do it, why let your daughter be uncomfortable and both of you be wasteful? There are plenty of things you shouldn’t e suppling like food, but the right clothes which he should be washing, and nappies that’s fine. He can buy his own wipes and bath stuff though, that’s always needed.
Hahahahaha!
Oh wait, he was serious?
Like he wanted to keep half because “it’s fair” and now that he needs to replace it it’s all of the sudden your job to keep his house supplied with baby items?!!? Yeah… No.
If he doesn’t have the time to shop he can order it to be delivered to his freaking doorstep. Amazon, target, brand name shops.. they all deliver.
And he can buy small packs if wastefullness is his problem with this.
NTA. He needs get off his ass and buy his child the thjngs she needs at his house.
Let him figure it out. Don’t give in, because he’s going to keep what you’re sending with her “as his share”.