Hey everyone! First of all I LOVE LOVE LOVE your podcast!!! 🙂 I constantly have it playing in the background. I’m like obsessed (I listen on Spotify). I need help knowing if I’m in the wrong in this situation.
I (F 21) brought my 3 friends Grace, Avery, and Rachel (all F 21 and fake names for privacy) to my house at the beach. I got permission for them to come from both my parents. I drove them all up from our hometown in my car. The ride is about 90 minutes. Important context- myself and Grace have pretty severe motion sickness and need to sit in the front seat to avoid having symptoms. So what was discussed with all the girls and was agreed upon was that I would drive and Grace would sit in the front while Avery and Rachel sat in the back since they do not get carsick. Also Avery has claustrophobia which was not an issue at all at this time with this setup. With us and all of our luggage for the weekend trip, we fit in the car with not much room to spare. My friends and I have always been close with my parents, so my mom (F 54) was also at our beach house. She did not hang out with us, but just stayed in her room and went to the beach separately from us which was completely fine because it is her house that she paid for and has the right to be there.
When we arrived on Friday, my mom sprung on me “hey the dogs and I need a ride back with you on Sunday. I have a dentist appointment on Monday.” (I have 2 dogs who are small and weigh 10 and 12 pounds and like to ride on people’s laps in the car). She did not tell me this anytime beforehand. She did not have a car with her because my dad (M 62) had dropped her off earlier that day and took the car back with him for some reason I do not know. So the only car between the 5 of us was mine. Now, my mom is a big woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and she has been taking steps to get healthier. However, I thought back to the amount of space that was left over in the car and immediately informed her that it would not work adding her, her luggage, the dogs, and the dogs’ items in my car along with everything else that needed to fit in my car for the drive back. I advised her to ask my dad to pick her up. She did not say anything to that. I assumed she let him know she needed a ride and everything was squared away.
Fast forward to Sunday. My friends and I are at the beach. I get a text from my mom that read “so what time are we leaving today?” I was confused and asked what she meant. She said that she was wondering when we ALL would be leaving to go back to my hometown. I once again informed her of the space situation. Her response was “well if I drive and Avery sits in the front, you, Grace, and Rachel can all fit in the back.” I told her that that would not work because me and Grace would get carsick and the extra person, 2 dogs, and luggage would be too much for Avery’s claustrophobia. I had to drive, Grace had to be in the front seat, so the only open seat would be in the back. And there was no way she would physically fit. I told her this but she said she could squeeze. I reached out to my dad who was completely on board with coming to pick my mom up and I relayed that message to her. My mom responded by saying “you and your friends get your shit and get out of my f—ing house. No one can come back in unless they are grabbing their bags to leave. No showers. Just get the f— out.” The no shower statement really hit because we were AT THE BEACH all sandy and gross. I ended up convincing her to let at least my friends shower and said that I was sorry but “these are my guests that you okayed coming to visit and their comfortability is of utmost importance to me”. She allowed them to shower but did not budge on kicking us out. I was able to at least shower in our outside shower.
This whole situation upset my friends so bad that 2 of them had panic attacks and 2 said they would never return. This hurt my feelings so bad. I told my mom how they felt and that she should apologize to them and she said it was MY FAULT they were upset since I told them what she said to me and that I only told them to “stir up drama” which doesn’t really make any sense because I woulda had to have given a reason as to why we had to leave so abruptly. When we packed up the car to leave, the space left over for my mom and the dogs to sit measured about 8 INCHES WIDE. AITA for not driving her home?
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Backup of the post’s body: Hey everyone! First of all I LOVE LOVE LOVE your podcast!!! 🙂 I constantly have it playing in the background. I’m like obsessed (I listen on Spotify). I need help knowing if I’m in the wrong in this situation.
I (F 21) brought my 3 friends Grace, Avery, and Rachel (all F 21 and fake names for privacy) to my house at the beach. I got permission for them to come from both my parents. I drove them all up from our hometown in my car. The ride is about 90 minutes. Important context- myself and Grace have pretty severe motion sickness and need to sit in the front seat to avoid having symptoms. So what was discussed with all the girls and was agreed upon was that I would drive and Grace would sit in the front while Avery and Rachel sat in the back since they do not get carsick. Also Avery has claustrophobia which was not an issue at all at this time with this setup. With us and all of our luggage for the weekend trip, we fit in the car with not much room to spare. My friends and I have always been close with my parents, so my mom (F 54) was also at our beach house. She did not hang out with us, but just stayed in her room and went to the beach separately from us which was completely fine because it is her house that she paid for and has the right to be there.
When we arrived on Friday, my mom sprung on me “hey the dogs and I need a ride back with you on Sunday. I have a dentist appointment on Monday.” (I have 2 dogs who are small and weigh 10 and 12 pounds and like to ride on people’s laps in the car). She did not tell me this anytime beforehand. She did not have a car with her because my dad (M 62) had dropped her off earlier that day and took the car back with him for some reason I do not know. So the only car between the 5 of us was mine. Now, my mom is a big woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and she has been taking steps to get healthier. However, I thought back to the amount of space that was left over in the car and immediately informed her that it would not work adding her, her luggage, the dogs, and the dogs’ items in my car along with everything else that needed to fit in my car for the drive back. I advised her to ask my dad to pick her up. She did not say anything to that. I assumed she let him know she needed a ride and everything was squared away.
Fast forward to Sunday. My friends and I are at the beach. I get a text from my mom that read “so what time are we leaving today?” I was confused and asked what she meant. She said that she was wondering when we ALL would be leaving to go back to my hometown. I once again informed her of the space situation. Her response was “well if I drive and Avery sits in the front, you, Grace, and Rachel can all fit in the back.” I told her that that would not work because me and Grace would get carsick and the extra person, 2 dogs, and luggage would be too much for Avery’s claustrophobia. I had to drive, Grace had to be in the front seat, so the only open seat would be in the back. And there was no way she would physically fit. I told her this but she said she could squeeze. I reached out to my dad who was completely on board with coming to pick my mom up and I relayed that message to her. My mom responded by saying “you and your friends get your shit and get out of my f—ing house. No one can come back in unless they are grabbing their bags to leave. No showers. Just get the f— out.” The no shower statement really hit because we were AT THE BEACH all sandy and gross. I ended up convincing her to let at least my friends shower and said that I was sorry but “these are my guests that you okayed coming to visit and their comfortability is of utmost importance to me”. She allowed them to shower but did not budge on kicking us out. I was able to at least shower in our outside shower.
This whole situation upset my friends so bad that 2 of them had panic attacks and 2 said they would never return. This hurt my feelings so bad. I told my mom how they felt and that she should apologize to them and she said it was MY FAULT they were upset since I told them what she said to me and that I only told them to “stir up drama” which doesn’t really make any sense because I woulda had to have given a reason as to why we had to leave so abruptly. When we packed up the car to leave, the space left over for my mom and the dogs to sit measured about 8 INCHES WIDE. AITA for not driving her home?
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NTA she’s toxic, go non contact. Also divorce your wife, she’s also TA
ESH.
NTA! Not only did you let her know that it wasn’t a possibility, but you also gave her solutions that would’ve worked just fine. She’s the one who made it dramatic and she’s the one who caused all the trouble. Having grown up with a Mom like this, I understand it firsthand and you did nothing wrong!
NTA. It’s really strange that she would insist on riding with you and plan on it without any warning.
I wonder if she sent dad away saying it was a “girls weekend” or something? Or maybe she is just a toxic controlling mom wanting to dictate things in general? Whatever her thinking may be, she was presumptuous and wrong. I’d run any plans through dad in the future, and ask him to keep you informed of any changes. I’d be going low contact with her after this.
Nah. Mom is out of sorts. She is responsible for her own transportation. The car was full.
I like your Mom! Her house, don’t go back, easy peasy.
YTA just say you hate your mom.Â
Your mom was possibly pretending to be a teen again just wanting to be part of a group of younger people. Just Wanting to be included on the weekend and then on the ride back. Mom wanted to be part of the fun. The fact you rejected her plan ( which makes perfect sense to everyone else) upset her because she was no longer included in the young people fun and pushed reality in her face. This is purely speculation on my part but it happened when I was a teen and I saw similar situations when my children were teens.
Eh, slight ESH. Mom is mostly in the wrong.
You assumed your mom, who is hosting you and a bunch of your friends, had a ride after she told you she needed one. Both of you had a chance to reach out to your dad for an extra ride, but neither of you did. Since she is hosting, it would have been nice to sort out this ONE favor she asked of you.Â
Also, your mom is likely self conscious about her weight. You didn’t need to tell all of your friends about this drama about her not fitting into the car. That stressed them out and likely embarrassed her. I realize you need to tell your friends some explanation, but they don’t need to hear the unabridged version of a family dispute.  A little diplomacy would have gone a long way.Â
Anyway; downvote away. OP could have done a small favor for her mom to avoid all of this, but she didn’t.Â
NTA. Let’s rewind to the beginning. I have a (not fancy) vacation home and nieces and nephews your same age who occasionally ask to stay there with their friends. I would never dream of crashing one of their trips, period–but if for some reason I needed to, I would clear it with them first. I find it so odd that she did this, and even odder that she had your dad drop her off rather than taking her own car. If he had some sort of emergency where he needed to get back, she should have gone with him. Regardless of everyone’s motion sickness claustro situations, she shouldn’t have assumed that you would all want to cram in the car for 90 minutes to accommodate her, her luggage, and her dogs.
She obviously wanted to feel like part of the girls’ trip and reacted like a child when, for very understandable reasons, you told her you couldn’t do what she asked. I’m sorry she threw a tantrum and threw you all out, I’m sure that was really embarrassing for you in front of your friends. Don’t let her forget what she did here. Like as you’re getting older and having graduation parties, throwing each other bridal showers, etc. and you have to have it at other people’s houses, always remind her that your friends are still uncomfortable around her due to her beach house meltdown.
NTA in the slightest.
Your visit was pre approved. You had an alternative for your mum which your dad agreed with.
5 people and 2 dogs in a car is a lot without the issues and luggage. You were protecting yourself and your friends and your mum was out of line.
She sucked for her response and I’m sorry you had to deal with it.
NTA Your mother is unreasonable.
Your mom is a psycho and very unfriendly!! Your solutions would have worked and once your dad was aware, he should have come pick up his wife! Who in the name of fungi feet would your mom think that she actually fit in your car coming back and why wasn’t this discussed BEFORE your trip???
Honestly… I’m concerned for the future…
You guys assume so damn much get it wrong all the fucking time then het panic attacks… can’t work around anything…
ugh the future is bleak
Option one which OP forgot about: We are talking about a 90 minute drive… she could have driven mom home in the morning and come back before lunch…. Driving back and forth is less than half a work day people!!! For a fucking free weekends stay at the parents place….
Other way around was driving back for mum after dropping off the friends 3 hours sooner than planned.
That’s just…. weird. Does she do things like this a lot? Was she maybe hoping for some kind of bonding time? Maybe her reaction was embarrassment? Boy I got nothing. Make sure your dad knows your side, and update us in a few days.
Why do beach houses always start drama?
Yikes! NTA. She was WAY out of line!
NTA and I say that as a mom that absolutely loves hanging out with her adult children. But I wouldn’t presume that they would have enough space in their vehicle for me to bum a ride with them anywhere without clearing it first, especially if there were multiple friends involved as well.
NTA, and I live by the quote “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.”
For your mom to drive back with you, she would’ve potentially cased three people to be ill (two car sick and one fighting a phobia.) I think it’s INSANELY selfish of your mom to think she gets to make people sick and uncomfortable just to get a ride in the car with the girls.
I truly think she was there that weekend and probably waiting for yall to invite her to hang with you, when that’s not what you were there for.
So I think she thought she’d get to hang and gossip on the way home. But again, she doesn’t get to make three people sick for her own selfish benefit.
My mom did some crazy sh*t like this when she was going through menopause, complete with the overreaction and anger. Maybe your mom needs to look it on hormone therapy?
NTA. Your mom is a lot and I’d go nc or low-c…
That said, your friends sound like a lot too. All kinds of issues plus now panic attacks and it’s effecting your friendships? That’s also drama you don’t need.
NTA
You should check out the raisedbynarcissists sub.
sorry I don’t believe you- there has to be more to the story. To have your mom explode, there was build up. You are 21 right and your friends still a bit immature.
I would like to hear mom side.
NTA. You didn’t know she’d be there and didn’t have space. Time for mom to call dad.
Sounds like your mom is dealing with her own shame and projecting that onto you. Also, people who don’t get carsick do not understand how horrid it is.
NTA
Mom needs to work on more than just her weight. What a nasty woman!
Her husband drove her and had no issues picking her up so her bad attitude is completely on her. She could have talked to him, she could have made plans for a ride days ago, instead, she did nothing.
Your mom is the one stirring up trouble/drama. You already told her there wasn’t enough room yet instead of calling your dad to pick her up, which he was willing to do, she tried to cause problems and was very rude to your guests that she approved.
Shame on her NTA
NTA
You didn’t do anything wrong. You explained your situation with space in the car. You offered the solution of her having your dad pick her up. You weren’t rude. You also contacted your dad about what was happening. She clearly never asked him. She expected to be able to form your decisions to her will.
The way she spoke to you would be a dealbreaker for me. I would find another place to enjoy my time off with my friends. Once again: you didn’t do anything wrong.
UpdateMe!
Yikes. She always an unreasonable beotch? Is this behavior new?
NTA. You need to just tell her that no means no, and your answer is no.
N-O
It a complete sentence
Tell her it ain’t a clown car. No way a small car will fit all of you.
Tell her to stop throwing a tantrum and be a adult.
Your problem doesn’t constitute me fixing it.
“NO”
unless you guys were originally planning to stay until Sunday anyways, why didn’t you just compromise and just take your mom, her stuff, and the dogs home FIRST, leave your friends to enjoy the beach and the luxuries of your beach house for a few more hours, and then just drive back to either pick your friends up to take them home or stay the rest of your vacation there now that your mom was out of the way?
Have you talked to your dad to tell him she was rude to your friends and embarrassed every one and now none of them wants to be around her? He should know that her behavior is driving his daughter away.
like everybody said nta but your friends are doing too much. i say this as somebody who gets panic attacks. like, cmon.
There’s more to this. Maybe you don’t know what it is, but there is more to what she was doing. Let’s break this down: first of all she chose to be dropped off instead of to drive her own car. She got herself stranded on purpose. Why? What was the original plan for getting home when dad dropped her off? (You might need to ask Dad this) Why couldn’t she stick to that original plan since if she was there on the weekend there’s literally no way she made the appointment for Monday morning during the weekend, so that appointment was made previously meaning she knew damn well when she had him drop her off that she needed to get back for the appointment. So again why did she have him drop her off?
Secondly, I’ve owned a lake house. One of my adult children was going with their friends it would be extremely rude for me to go also especially when I can go literally anytime. So why did she need to be there as if she was observing? Does she normally not trust you to be at the lake house? Does she not trust your friends?Â
Third, you told her she would not fit but she pretended she didn’t hear you. Again, why is she so determined? Especially after you explained it the second time about how two of you had to sit in the front and there wasn’t room but she was still determined no matter how uncomfortable it made everybody. Why? Does she not trust you driving is that why she was trying to drive your car? Does she think y’all are going to go somewhere you’re not supposed to is that why she’s trying to supervise your drive back?Â
Lastly is she always so fucking psychotic? The fact that she’s such a control freak and so narcissistic that when you dared to deny her ridiculous demand, she wanted to physically punish your friends by making them drive all the way back to town dirty, salty and nasty? That’s not normal behavior! She literally was trying to punish ALL of you because she couldn’t fit!Â
I have a really hard time believing that she’s not always this crazy and controlling and if she is aren’t you a little old to still be in contact with her?
That sounds like a lot of drama. ESH.Â
I’ve got a full sized truck with a full back seat and five people would be three too many for a long trip. Seriously, four would be the most I would ever attempt and even then it’s going to be a little cramped once you all have snacks, drinks, purses, backpacks… five people and two dogs, not only no, but hell no!
NTA but also please get your dogs seatbelts or carriers. Having them ride in laps is dangerous
NTA, your mom asking you to sit in the back knowing you will get car sick is beyond selfish and pathetic…