So I (M 31) was recently diagnosed with PTSD because of my stepdad (64 M) who mentally abused me for over 10 years. I have frequent nightmares about him and would often wake up shouting or covered in sweat. I’m in therapy for this reason and my therapist notices the pattern that when I’m around him, it makes my mental health worse.
Recently my family arranged a holiday to a caravan park and just kinda assumed I’d go as well, no one actually asked if I wanted to go and I kinda prayed that I’d have a reason not to go. Turns out I have several appointments that same week. So when I told my parents I just said that I’d stay behind while they went away which I’m perfectly fine with.
One of my sisters mentioned that I wasn’t going and started making me feel guilty, saying that they’ll be off making memories while I stayed home. Even though I could honestly do with a week away from my stepdad. I haven’t told them the real reason I’m staying behind or even that my stepdad is the reason I have PTSD. Part of me does feel guilty for not going as I would love a holiday, but not at the expense of my mental health. So am I the asshole for staying behind?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team
So I (M 31) was recently diagnosed with PTSD because of my stepdad (64 M) who mentally abused me for over 10 years. I have frequent nightmares about him and would often wake up shouting or covered in sweat. I’m in therapy for this reason and my therapist notices the pattern that when I’m around him, it makes my mental health worse.
Recently my family arranged a holiday to a caravan park and just kinda assumed I’d go as well, no one actually asked if I wanted to go and I kinda prayed that I’d have a reason not to go. Turns out I have several appointments that same week. So when I told my parents I just said that I’d stay behind while they went away which I’m perfectly fine with.
One of my sisters mentioned that I wasn’t going and started making me feel guilty, saying that they’ll be off making memories while I stayed home. Even though I could honestly do with a week away from my stepdad. I haven’t told them the real reason I’m staying behind or even that my stepdad is the reason I have PTSD. Part of me does feel guilty for not going as I would love a holiday, but not at the expense of my mental health. So am I the asshole for staying behind?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I’m the asshole for not going on a family holiday because my stepdad affects my mental health so much
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Sometimes you just gotta do what you are comfortable with, unless there’s a really good reason to sit with your discomfort. Doesn’t sound like there is one here. NTA
Just to clarify, are you still living with your parents? No judgement but I am just trying to figure out why you need a week away from him if you don’t live with them.
Either way, NTA.
Nta.
You’re 31. You’re allowed to decide not to go on holidays that make you miserable.
NTA and you’re under absolutely no obligation to explain your reasons and mental health to anyone, but worth being aware that without context, your family may well think you’re TA. Its a tricky one OP. Good luck with it.
NTA. You’re an adult who can decide to go, or not go for whatever reason you choose. On top of that, it sounds like you have a totally legitimate reason to decline going.
NTA
Stepdad aside, you have appointments.
That said, you seem to be looking forward to a week without your stepdad…. do you still live with him?
NTA
> holiday to a caravan park
Lol, pass.
NTA
You are under no obligation to go spend time with the person who abused you.
Not the asshole. You’re not skipping a holiday. You’re avoiding your abuser. That’s not selfish. That’s survival. Let them feel how they want. You’re choosing sanity.
NTA you’re an adult and you get to choose what relationships you have, even with family. You don’t owe someone who abused you anything. If you love your other family members, make time for them separately on your terms.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. It’ll kill you
YTA, it’s time to suck it up buttercup.
You can go on the trip and limit your contact with the guy. I am in therapy and on meds because of the anxiety my MIL gives me but I just went on holiday for a week with her because it was the grown-up thing to do. I limited interaction with her and totally avoid one on one contact. You can step up to the plate and get the job done.
NTA
Having personally had nearly the exact same situation (resulting in joining the Military to resolve the issue): I can honestly say you are 100% not the asshole. On the one hand you’re kinda wimpy for not telling everyone WHY you have PTSD, on the other hand it’s fairly obvious that would result in homelessness and everyone having a horrible few years if you actually made your case.
As long as nobody else is in danger from your PTSD source, I honestly don’t see any other options for you. And by that I mean DO NOT spend any more time with your trigger than you have to. LOL: you’re not gonna do like I did and “join up”, although 31 isn’t too old in the US … and they have jobs of all sorts, even admin/desk jobs (dated a USN postal clerk while I was in).
I hope your therapy gets you beyond this. PTSD (or your step-dad) do not define your life, right?
NTA – However, you sound more like 13 year old rather than a 31 year old adult.
NTA You don’t need to explain or give anyone a reason not to go on a family vacation with your parents when you are 31 years old.
NTA. Nothing is more important than your mental health.
NTA. You’re a grown ass man and you don’t need a reason other than you don’t want to go.
Preserving your mental health is always the right choice – NTA.