My (30f) best friend (30f) from high school is getting married this summer. I initially accepted the invitation. The wedding is in her hometown she grew up in so I’d have to commute and also find an airbnb or hotel. She’s flying from the UK as she lived there the last few years. A few weeks ago I asked her for suggestions for appropriate hotels that she knows of (that are safe and close to the wedding venue). She cut it short saying she doesn’t live there anymore and doesn’t know.
She also mentioned we should do a bachelorette party so I ask her what plans she has for that. She answered that the bachelorette is fully my job because I’m the maid of honor. I was taken aback because she didn’t ask me if I wanted to plan it, or even suggested it, she just dropped this on me like it was common sense.
I agreed to do it anyway, but I asked again what she wants from it, who to invite, what type of venue she wants. Her answer again was that she doesn’t live here anymore and doesn’t know anything about which clubs are good, and also doesn’t know anyone so I’d have to basically find strangers to invite. She wants me to invite people I know but that never met her. Basically I was supposed to gather people up, and she said she would show up and “give them a round of drinks”.
I told her how awkward that could be, that I can’t invite a bunch of people to a bachelorette party just for the bride to show up briefly and pay for some drinks. I suggested that I make a group chat where she can introduce herself and invite people personally, and I’d be there to support her.
She ended up saying that she has wedding dress issues and we’ll see. So basically she excused herself from the bachelorette plans with a lame excuse, without even voicing her exit properly.
After thinking about this for a while I decided to let her know I will not be attending the wedding. I think it’s too expensive and bothersome to commute and pay for hotel, plus the wedding gift, for someone who can’t even help me find a suitable hotel so I can feel safe, and drops a whole party on me with the expectation I provide all the guests and plan it 100% myself (there are no other bridesmaids)
AITAH?
Edit: I want to clarify I wasn’t asked to be the maid of honour and I think I shouldn’t have assumed I was, as some people seem to think I should have acted on my own. She didn’t ask me , she told me when it came about the bachelorette.
And about the hotel, I obviously found one for myself, I was expecting her input on whether it was ok for the location of the venue and also for the place she was staying at. Maybe she expected me to drop by and help get her dressed and I needed somewhere close to her etc. I’m just pointing the hotel thing out for thos pattern of “I don’t live there idk”, thought it added up to the picture.
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My (30f) best friend (30f) from high school is getting married this summer. I initially accepted the invitation. The wedding is in her hometown she grew up in so I’d have to commute and also find an airbnb or hotel. She’s flying from the UK as she lived there the last few years. A few weeks ago I asked her for suggestions for appropriate hotels that she knows of (that are safe and close to the wedding venue). She cut it short saying she doesn’t live there anymore and doesn’t know.
She also mentioned we should do a bachelorette party so I ask her what plans she has for that. She answered that the bachelorette is fully my job because I’m the maid of honor. I was taken aback because she didn’t ask me if I wanted to plan it, or even suggested it, she just dropped this on me like it was common sense.
I agreed to do it anyway, but I asked again what she wants from it, who to invite, what type of venue she wants. Her answer again was that she doesn’t live here anymore and doesn’t know anything about which clubs are good, and also doesn’t know anyone so I’d have to basically find strangers to invite. She wants me to invite people I know but that never met her. Basically I was supposed to gather people up, and she said she would show up and “give them a round of drinks”.
I told her how awkward that could be, that I can’t invite a bunch of people to a bachelorette party just for the bride to show up briefly and pay for some drinks. I suggested that I make a group chat where she can introduce herself and invite people personally, and I’d be there to support her.
She ended up saying that she has wedding dress issues and we’ll see. So basically she excused herself from the bachelorette plans with a lame excuse, without even voicing her exit properly.
After thinking about this for a while I decided to let her know I will not be attending the wedding. I think it’s too expensive and bothersome to commute and pay for hotel, plus the wedding gift, for someone who can’t even help me find a suitable hotel so I can feel safe, and drops a whole party on me with the expectation I provide all the guests and plan it 100% myself (there are no other bridesmaids)
AITAH?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m not going to my best friend’s wedding and I refused to fully plan her bachelorette party. She might think I’m the asshole for ruining her big day, her whole experience, she might think I’m doing it to sabotage her. This is a 15 year old friendship.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, sounds like your done with the friendship
NTA. Friendship isn’t a one-way street. You should be treated with the same respect and consideration you’re expected to give.
NTA I can see why she has no other friends
NTA. Your friend is being unreasonable by expecting you to handle everything without help or clear communication. It’s fair to decline if the costs and stress outweigh the value of attending. A wedding invite isn’t an obligation, especially when the bride isn’t meeting you halfway.
Nta.
I’ve never heard of a bachelorette that isn’t close friends of the bride, that the bride supplies a list of.
NTA. A wedding isn’t a one-way street. It requires effort from all involved. Despite the tradition of the maid of honor planning the bachelor party, it’s unreasonable to drop it on you without any guidance or help. You made the right decision.
NTA. A wedding should be about celebrating love and friendship, not outsourcing party planning and modelling selfish behavior. You deserve better.
I’d drop out, too. She sounds like she’s using you, and doesn’t care about you at all.
Genreally, the bacherlorette party is for the maid of honour to organise. That’s always been the case as far as I’ve known for “western” type weddings. Just like the bacherlor party is generally for the best man to organise. I’m wondering where in the world you are for you not to have known that. If you’re in the US, Canada, Europe, Australia etc then I’m not surprised the bride thought this was common sense. I would too.
I’m not sure how you profess to be a “best friend” if you know nothing about what the bride might enjoy or any of her other friends or family. And if she hasn’t lived in an area for a while then she’s right, she’s got very little information on hotels and such. You’d be better off doing a google search or asking someone from her family, in the area, what would be best. As her best friend I would assume you are on decent footing with a family member or 2 of hers.
However, all that said, NTA. If you don’t want to do MoH duties or don’t want to be in the bridal party at all or just don’t want to go then you do not have to. There is no obligation here. You don’t even need a reason. You can just say no and you would not be TA for it. Think you need to re-evaluate the whole “best friend” thing though. It barely sounds like you’re close at all these days.
I don’t live there so I can’t use my brain to contribute is not a valid excuse. Since she is no help and it doesn’t sound like you are close with her now, dropping out seems like the right move.
I saw light YTA. It’s generally accepted that the maid of honour plans the bachelorette and while this can be a daunting task, you kinda accepted it by accepting to be the MOH. Also if she doesn’t live in the area than you googling is as good as her googling for a hotel.
I think the main reason I’m sayin YTA is because if I felt a friendship was strong enough to call my best friend and be the MOH, then I would be excited to share this moment with my friend and to try and give her the best experience.
You’re definitely welcome to pull out of the wedding but I would think long and hard about what that means for your friendship and what you’re willing to risk.
NTA. Sounds like she expects you to be her wedding planner and ATM, not her beloved friend and maid of honor. A wedding should bring people together, not push them away.
NTA. A wedding is a celebration, not a chore. Your friend’s lack of consideration for your effort is concerning. You have every right to prioritize your comfort and budget.
Soft YTA. None of this makes sense. Have you ever attended or know anything about weddings and traditions?
NTA. Being the maid of honor doesn’t mean becoming the wedding planner. She should be more considerate, especially since you’re showing up for her big day.
ESH lol.
If she doesn’t live there and hasn’t for some time how would she know any better than you where you should stay?
I recently booked a cross country road trip with my kid. We’re stopping in like 7 cities, do you think I have friends in each city to give me customized recommendations on where to stay? Absolutely not so I did the reasonable thing and looked for highly rated properties or chains I know are generally decent.
So for a wedding as a 30 year old adult you absolutely shouldn’t have issues finding a hotel for yourself without a recommendation from someone who hasn’t lived there for a while.
Your friend is absolutely TAH for expecting you to be able to throw her a successful BO without any of her friends lol. That’s absolutely insane and I can’t imagine how a bunch of strangers meeting a bride for the first time could make her feel anything but awkward.
IMO the appropriate thing to do would have been to politely decline the bridesmaid position or explain you have no problem being there on the day as her bridesmaid but don’t feel like you’re equipped to throw a BP unless she wants to just go have a blast just you two. Then go to the wedding.
Seriously in 2025 it’s not that hard to find a decent hotel. I’ll take all of that back though if it’s some super rural community like 100 miles away from anything else lol.
NTA she sounds cooked in the brain genuinely
I mean wedding etiquette does say that the MOH plans the hen, this isn’t big news.
Her wanting you to invite random strangers is weird though.
It is not her job to find you a hotel, you’re 30 years old, surely you have heard of trip-advisor.
ESH but more-so you for not just stepping down to attend as a guest if it’s the MOH duties that are the main issue.. throwing a hissy fit and refusing to attend full stop – main character syndrome.
I mean, if your friend literally doesn’t know what hotels are safe (wtf does that mean) or not, how do you expect her to “help” you?
She’s clearly unhinged about the bachelorette thing, but also, it is common sense is the maid of honour’s job, soz if you didn’t know, that’s okay, but are you two even friends if you can’t communicate?
NTA. A wedding is a shared celebration, not a one-sided demand. Plus, basic courtesy is not optional, it’s essential. You made the right call.
I want to clarify I wasn’t asked to be the maid of honour and I think I shouldn’t have assumed I was, as some people seem to think I should have acted on my own. She didn’t ask me , she told me.
You are planning to skip the wedding of your friend because you feel it is unfair that you have to google for a hotel and invite friends to a bar. Like that’s one hour of work??? Even if you have no idea what a MOH is (in which case it’s weird you accepted), why are you acting like those are some impossible tasks?
YTA. It is the MOH’s duty to plan the bachelorette party. Asking the bride to do that or even help with that is kind of sad. It’s like planning your own surprise party. It seems the bride was nice to you the whole time and is not overburdening you with tasks. Most of the time there are more duties involved for the MOH, but it seems like she is trying to actively minimize your tasks. Planning a wedding is extremely stressful, so it makes sense that she can’t be bothered to help you with your one task. I also don’t think it’s necessarily awkward to just enjoy a nice night with a few friends of yours. I like the idea of the group chat, but again, this is a really stressful time for her, so if she is not free, why don’t you write an introductory text? Also just skipping the wedding without even trying to address the issue with her is not how grown ups handle conflict.
Neither of you sounds like a great friend. YTA for accepting her wedding invitation and agreeing to be her MOH (I assume, unless she just “told” you your were her MOH when the bachelorette topic came up?), only to cancel because you don’t want to do your own hotel research and are pissed about one poorly communicated conversation about bachelorette party planning. If you genuinely can’t afford the expense, that’s a valid excuse. But most people would be happy to travel, research & pay for a hotel and wedding gift for their “best friend’s” wedding. It’s also pretty standard for the MOH to plan a bachelorette party.
Your friend is TAH for demanding you plan the bachelorette party (rather than asking) and for not providing any input or even a guest list. Expecting her MOH to invite random people she doesn’t know to her bachelorette party is bizarre and unacceptable. Making demands and refusing to provide input is also AH behavior.
If she’s actually a close friend, then have a serious conversation with her and straighten out party planning expectations. If you don’t want to plan it, tell her so. Or at least tell her definitively you will only plan it if she provides the guest list and other planning input. If she’s no longer a close friend, if you feel like she’s just using you and it’s not worth your time and expense to attend, then don’t go.
NTA She’s your best friend but you are not her best friend (acquaintance) and life will go on
I’d say NTA but I’d also question whether you’re actually best friends or if you’ve grown apart
NTA , I think you have done the only possible solution by Not being a part of her wedding. Sounds like she would have piled a whole lot of crappy bullshit on your shoulders and would have screamed at you on the wedding day for not making her day perfect. You saved yourself a headache and a heartache at the same time
NTA the thought of going to a bachelorette party and not knowing the people going sounds dreadful. Not knowing anyone whilst also being the bride sounds like one of the worst events on earth. Surely if you have that few friends able to make it, you just tell your maid of honour not to bother and just do something with the two of you.
NTA I would say there’s a very good reason she has no other friends to even attend her bachelorette party never mind any others to be bridesmaids. It’d be wise to back out of the whole thing tbh, it sounds like it’s going to be a mess anyway
NTA it’s her hometown. She should have someone local do the planning. Including gathering a list of suitable hotels for ppl traveling in.