I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (45M) for 4 years now and a few months ago we welcomed our baby girl. He has three adult children from a previous marriage: two daughters (23F and 21F) and a son (20M). I have always gotten along well with them especially the girls. They have been kind and supportive since we started dating and even more so when I got pregnant even though it was not planned.
Our daughter is four months old now. His daughters live nearby and visit often. They absolutely adore their little sister. They bring her gifts take photos and are always excited to spend time with her. It is really sweet and I am happy she is surrounded by so much love.
But I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed. I am still adjusting to being a mom still figuring things out and I am exhausted. There has been a lot of company and activity and not much time to just rest or be alone with my baby.
Now my boyfriend’s extended family is planning their usual summer lake trip. It is a big annual thing with all the cousins and their kids. I went last year and had a nice time so now everyone just assumes I will be going again especially now that the baby is here. His son will be coming home from college and the whole family is really excited to meet the baby. The girls are already planning matching outfits and pictures.
But the truth is I do not feel ready. I am tired and honestly a little scared. The idea of packing up and spending a full week in a crowded house with a newborn is really stressful to me. I told my boyfriend he is welcome to go without me if he wants. He was disappointed and said his daughters would be too and that everyone was looking forward to all of us being there.
Now I just feel guilty. I know they are all excited and mean well and I feel like I am letting people down. But I also need space to take care of myself and our baby in a way that feels manageable right now. AITA?
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I (31F) have been with my boyfriend (45M) for 4 years now and a few months ago we welcomed our baby girl. He has three adult children from a previous marriage: two daughters (23F and 21F) and a son (20M). I have always gotten along well with them especially the girls. They have been kind and supportive since we started dating and even more so when I got pregnant even though it was not planned.
Our daughter is four months old now. His daughters live nearby and visit often. They absolutely adore their little sister. They bring her gifts take photos and are always excited to spend time with her. It is really sweet and I am happy she is surrounded by so much love.
But I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed. I am still adjusting to being a mom still figuring things out and I am exhausted. There has been a lot of company and activity and not much time to just rest or be alone with my baby.
Now my boyfriend’s extended family is planning their usual summer lake trip. It is a big annual thing with all the cousins and their kids. I went last year and had a nice time so now everyone just assumes I will be going again especially now that the baby is here. His son will be coming home from college and the whole family is really excited to meet the baby. The girls are already planning matching outfits and pictures.
But the truth is I do not feel ready. I am tired and honestly a little scared. The idea of packing up and spending a full week in a crowded house with a newborn is really stressful to me. I told my boyfriend he is welcome to go without me if he wants. He was disappointed and said his daughters would be too and that everyone was looking forward to all of us being there.
Now I just feel guilty. I know they are all excited and mean well and I feel like I am letting people down. But I also need space to take care of myself and our baby in a way that feels manageable right now. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have decided not to go to my boyfriend’s annual family trip even though everyone is expecting me to go.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Wth??? He has 3 adult children so he should know how stressful & hard taking care of a newborn is this’s not his first time like what is that behavior?? You shouldn’t be expected to go on any kind of trips 4 months after GIVING BIRTH & adjusting to taking care of a whole human being just cause people want to play dress up with your daughter & have their little doll with them (nothing wrong with it don’t get me wrong) but you’re a HUMAN. Your little precious baby doesn’t take care of herself there’s a whole human being taking care of her & just birthed her which is YOU and they need to freaking realize that. How selfish of them and your husband tbh, was he even present when his children were newborns? Cause those expectations & the way he reacted are odd af.
You’re prioritizing your mental health and your baby’s needs. That’s completely valid.
NTA. I’m assuming you do most of your daughter’s childcare as well as looking after guests. Your husband needs to be more supportive and you need to look after yourself– be less of a people pleaser as it is negatively impacting you.
NTA. Not in the least. You are already dealing with enough upheaval in your life without piling even more on.
I-N-F-O: How long is the trip? (A weekend? A week? Longer?)Sorry, I just noticed you said it’s a week.And how far is the lake from your home?
You mentioned that you were happy to let your boyfriend go on his own while you stayed home with the baby.
If the lake is close enough, would it be feasible to drive there with your boyfriend and baby, spend a few hours there so that his extended family can meet the baby, then drive home with your baby while your boyfriend remains there for the rest of the time?
Then you could reverse that journey on the last day, spend a few more hours with them, and all drive home together.
If it’s too far and you need to fly there, then this won’t be feasible, but if it’s within a few hours’ driving distance, you may be able to make it work.
But if it still sounds too exhausting, then no, you are not the asshole for staying home. Maybe next year you will feel like going.
Well, now we know why he’s divorced 🥴 A veteran father even considering going with a newborn at home? Did he hibernate though his other kid’s childhoods?
NAH
I get how you feel, I really do. However, I have an alternative point of view.
The year my daughter was born, I went home to stay with my very large, active, noisy and often quarrelsome family. She was colicky and I was exhausted. My family stepped in, big time. They helped me turn her sleeping patterns around, helped me get some hours sleep, and generally celebrated her presence while lending a hand.
Without them I would have spent the summer in our little town apartment, alone and depressed, and I would also not have discovered that I had gotten hypothyroidism, my mother suspected that and sent me to a doctor. I was just tired.
I was lucky with my family dynamic that summer. Not all families are like that, not even my family is always like that. But being with a lot of people who really wanted to be with my daughter was a blessing.
I understand that caring for a newborn is exhausting, but honestly I think you’re being selfish. Why not rent an RV or book a nearby hotel?
NAH, it’s normal for you to not want to go and for him to want to present his new baby to his family.
I think you need to communicate with him your need for space to take care of yourself and the baby. And if he doesn’t understand that then he’s the AH. And maybe try to find a compromise, maybe not go for the whole week. Maybe no more visitor until the vacation so you have time to breathe before.
Anyway good luck and I hope you’ll find a solution that can accommodate both your needs, and that you’ll have space and time to rest
NTA. You’re recovering, adjusting, and caring for a newborn… that’s a full-time job. Wanting rest and peace over a hectic trip doesn’t make you selfish, it makes you a responsible mom. Your well-being matters too.
You can choose to do what you like.
If I were him, I would pack the baby up and care for her myself that week. But based on your replies to other posts, that’s not in his wheelhouse.
I can understand his disappointment. In his view, he saw a woman care for three kids and you are “struggling” with just one. I’m not saying it’s necessarily reasonable, I’m simply saying this is what he is seeing and so his response is understandable to me.
Also, what is your struggle? You should be physically well after four months. The baby, barring some underlying issue, should be relatively straightforward to care for. I found this age to be really fun as a Dad and yes, I was very involved.
Is it emotional? If so, then the most important thing is for you to get help for that. Your health is and should be a priority.
If it’s his lack of involvement, then let’s say that to him. But understand, he was very up front with you about not doing that with his other kids. So, it seems, you entered into a situation in which you are asking him for something he was very clear he was not prepared to give.
I wish you luck. But if I were a betting man, I’d bet you are going to be a single mother and he will never marry you, especially if he sees you as incapable, which he will if you can’t do this.
NTA If he wants you to come on the trip he better make it as comfortable for you as possible and starts to take over more responsibility today. If he does his part you are not as exhausted. As a father of three adult children he should know.
NAH I understand you feel anxious to go and I get them wanting to meet your baby. These events are important to form family bonds, even if you only go.for two days.
In these situations, there are always compromises to be found: go less days, rent a cabin or room closeby so you can retreat to a calm place, ask for help with the baby from trusted family members.
Thing is, your baby is your first but it isn’t a first born. This means that even while her siblings are adults, they will wish to bond with her. Same as when she would have been your 4th. This mean less time alone with her, even though it’s 100% okay to set boundaries and ask for some amount of privacy and space. Likewise, her siblings and family should respect your needs to.
So, I would search for a compromise to let you get rest and peace and let your baby be part of the family group
NTA but I think you should go. Its a decision to embrace and enjoy the Moment. Let Family take care of and bond with your little girl.
NAH. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.
Your family (in-law) will just have to understand, it’s not their choice anyway.
Don’t agree with all the very harsh (typical Reddit) comments about your boyfriend, given the info you gave.
You didn’t say he isn’t supportive or doesn’t respect your feelings, just that he is disappointed, which I totally understand.
He is just proud to be a dad again, to have a kid with you and he can’t wait to show of the baby to the rest of his family. Those feelings are as understandable as yours, so he is allowed to feel a bit disappointed, as long as he understands he has to think of your wellbeing and the baby’s first. Nothing in your story suggests he doesn’t though.
NTA for all the reasonable reasons you provided.
Nta you’re already overwhelmed being around even more people isn’t gonna help. It can take up to a year for a woman to recover from giving birth. Take time for yourself and rest up there will be more get togethers
NTA – unless he can agree to a deal that he’s going to take more on in the role of caring for the newborn, so you can take a nap over the day and don’t have to rush just if the baby needs soothing (not breastfeeding – if you are doing that). I understand that he’s excited for his son to meet his new sister and show off. But unless he’s going to take the most load of you on the trip, then no.