My family is religious and my brother happens to be on the extreme side like most brothers are. They needed me to wear the religious scarf head covering. They and specifically my brother (pretty sure he convinced them and honed the idea in) want to be able to show everyone the photos without feeling shame or having females stand out; especially because every other female is wearing it.
I’ve had countless arguments before to finally be able to take it off completely. It was hectic. They tried to compel me to wear it by saying it’s only a few hours and just a couple of photos. All of which I disagreed to. I just ended up not going.
I didn’t hear the end of it until like a day later where everyone completely ignored me. It’s been a while. This isn’t a first and I’m used to it, but it’s getting to me. I persevere past it until they feel like conserving again but honestly.. I feel like I messed up a bit. They kept telling me I acted childish, made them ashamed, ruined the wedding, created not so fond memories, etc. I think it’s mainly because even my closest family member started telling me how I ruined a special moment that doesn’t happen often.
I just don’t agree with most of the things they do and I have to put up with it constantly; them forcing their practices on me is just annoying. They’re not the kind of people I would give up things for anymore. It sucks having a religious family. Should I apologise?
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My family is religious and my brother happens to be on the extreme side like most brothers are. They needed me to wear the religious scarf head covering. They and specifically my brother (pretty sure he convinced them and honed the idea in) want to be able to show everyone the photos without feeling shame or having females stand out; especially because every other female is wearing it.
I’ve had countless arguments before to finally be able to take it off completely. It was hectic. They tried to compel me to wear it by saying it’s only a few hours and just a couple of photos. All of which I disagreed to. I just ended up not going.
I didn’t hear the end of it until like a day later where everyone completely ignored me. It’s been a while. This isn’t a first and I’m used to it, but it’s getting to me. I persevere past it until they feel like conserving again but honestly.. I feel like I messed up a bit. They kept telling me I acted childish, made them ashamed, ruined the wedding, created not so fond memories, etc. I think it’s mainly because even my closest family member started telling me how I ruined a special moment that doesn’t happen often.
I just don’t agree with most of the things they do and I have to put up with it constantly; them forcing their practices on me is just annoying. They’re not the kind of people I would give up things for anymore. It sucks having a religious family. Should I apologise?
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> Didn’t go to brother’s wedding because they needed me to wear a head-scarf. They say I ruined a special moment.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
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NTA They don’t accept you for being you. That’s a them problem and not a you problem. If they want to exclude you from the family over a piece of clothing… then that is their sad choice.
NTA
It’s not just about the head covering. They do not respect your choices.
Do the men wear head coverings? I’m guessing not. So their practices are sexist.
IMO, you did not ruin the special moment – they did.
But I’m sorry you are facing this alienation from your family.
NTA. Your body, your choice. Religious rules lose meaning when they’re forced.
NTA. Don’t apologize, you did nothing wrong. Your brother is the one in the wrong. He is the one that decided to make religious attire a requirement. You just set a healthy boundary. You didn’t ruin anything, your brother and his bigotry did.
Don’t be so willing to come back to them when they are finally done “punishing” you by icing you out. They have set the standard, just run with it and enjoy the silence and the freedom. Healthy, adult boundaries are normal. Asking for basic respect falls squarely into being healthy and normal.
NTA You would have attended if you were welcomed. But they didn’t want the real you- they wanted a fake version as a photo prop. That is on them. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Soft-YTA. (But also they are a-holes too)
I might get downvoted for this, but this is a wedding. In many cultures, you’re expected to dress the part of the cultural. It sounds like their religion is heavily tied to their culture. There was a post a few weeks ago I saw about a Nigerian wedding where the brides family made dresses specifically so everyone wore culturally appropriate attire.
I’m also wondering if the wedding is taking place in a religious place, where NOT wearing it would be offensive?
That said, NTA for being upset outside of the wedding though. You shouldn’t have to adhere (outside of a dress code for a wedding imo) to religious beliefs that aren’t your own.
NTA.
It’s a wedding. If they’re focused on anything but the happy couple, they’re doing it wrong.
Do not apologize. They’re just mad you didn’t bow down to their nonsense.
Assuming you’re talking about hijab, there were so many ways you could have maliciously complied with your brother’s dress code. A burka, a chador, or a niqab would have made you stand out in ways that he probably wouldn’t have appreciated.
So, NTA for sparing his tender sensibilities by not attending. You owe him no apologies.
An invitation is not a summons so even without a religious concern, you were not obligated to go.
They are also within their rights to feel hurt that you didn’t accommodate their beliefs for a family event, and for that decision to impact your relationship– but they shouldn’t be harassing you about it or telling you that your closely-held religious beliefs are “childish.”
I will note that it’s pretty common to respect some religious dress requirements when observing a religious ceremony– women covering shoulders in a Christian church even if they’re not Christian, men wearing a yarmulke at a Jewish ceremony even if they’re not Jewish, etc. It’s a sign of respect, not necessarily a sign of adherence.
But you are absolutely within your rights to refuse to go if it’s required and you don’t want to do it. You might’ve been TA if you’d gone but refused to wear it. But you didn’t. You chose not to be in a place where something you weren’t comfortable with was culturally obligated.
NTA.
(I would also suggest that I’m not so sure “most brothers” are “on the extreme side” of religions. Certainly mine and my husband’s aren’t. Mine isn’t religious at all; one of his is barely-practicing, the other is consistently practicing but fairly mainstream. I suspect this depends a lot on the religion and culture but it stands out as kind of an odd universal statement.)
(ETA: edited for clarity)
I go with ESH
I’m a muslim who doesn’t wear hijab, though my family is not religious I know where you’re coming from.
You decision to skip the wedding altogether definitely hurt your family, especially your brother. It’s not something your family will take lightly, ever.
Like mine, I understand you have a personal reason not to wear hijab, but you could’ve find the middle ground. You could just wear it during the photos and take it off afterwards. You could tell them that if they’re forcing you you to wear the head covering then you won’t come. But from the look of it, you just didn’t show up to the wedding without any warning.
I can imagine the main attention of the wedding would be “why OP didn’t come? is she sick?” etc etc.. instead of the bride and groom.
So yeah, apologies to your brother and his wife. You were a bit selfish. You only thought on what you wanted to do and not how it impacted the whole family in the end.
Misogyny rears its ugly head, and you don’t have to be a part of that garbage.
People are always angry when someone finally stands up for themselves. If you had caved to their demands this time, it would never end. Standing up for yourself now was the best thing you could have done for your future. NTA
NTA. You had two valid choices: wear the scarf or don’t attend. You’d only be TA if you attended without the scarf. You chose not to attend. As has often been said, “It’s an invitation, not a summons.”
If it ended there, it would have been N-A-H, but the coercion and the aftermath makes them TA.
Very difficult decision. Long ago, a rule was women’s heads must be covered in the church. I dropped out of the church. If I attended events in the church I did cover my head to respect their customs. I think I still would today. It does not mean I believe or accept, it’s just respect. It’s up to you. Seems like your brothers wedding is important and not about you so this is a hard decision for you.
NTA. However, you have to be prepared for the fallout of family ignoring you for an extended period of time.
Your parents might make you feel like it is an empty gesture that you could get over for the sake of harmony.
Or maybe you could be a l bit inspirational for a little girl who also doesn’t want to wear head covering and your position could empower her a little too.
Stick with your beliefs. Do not concede on this.
NTA
I have 4 brothers and none of them is “on the extreme side.” But I digress.
YATAH for initiating a big family fight, rather than quietly not attending the wedding. That’s what RSVPs are for. Send your regrets and an appropriate gift and be done with it.
Confronting your brother served no purpose other than stirring up drama and filling your need for attention.
NTA. I wouldn’t have went either.
NTA I’ll put a loose covering for entering a mosque and that’s it. I’m not pretending to be a hijabi like a hypocrite to let people pretend our family is more pious than we actually are. And yes, that has resulted in some slights over the years. A relative who basically stepped in front of me to avoid introducing me so they could instead introduce my cousin who wears hijab and went to an Islamic school. We were both grade schoolers at the time, by the way and that relative’s daughter and granddaughter don’t wear it, probably why they were so excited to show that they were related to my cousin but not me. At weddings of more conservative relatives, I don’t complain if they want to seat men and women separately. But I wear what I think is appropriate. I’m not faking extra faith so they can look good to the new in laws.
You are fine. You know why the supportive ones are caving too – the culture is obsessed with keeping peace even if it means appeasing the unreasonable and especially so if it’s “just” a sister or daughter or wife who has to give in. All they are focused on is putting a good face on everything in front of others and they can’t do it if you don’t cooperate by faking along with them.
NTA. That sounds like your brother made a choice about what his wedding and photos should look like, and you made a choice about whether you could attend.
Seems like a tolerance paradox situation.
If they weren’t family would you associate with them? Put up with this treatment?
NTA. If this is Islam, GCSE Religion Education and a cursory look at the Qur’an tells you that ‘There is no compulsion in religion’. Fuck the twats