I’ve been with my girlfriend a little over two years. We’re great together she’s funny caring and thoughtful,b ut her family has always been the hardest part. From the start they’ve treated me like background noise. Polite but distant like I’m a stranger passing through.
We’ve had dinner with them maybe a dozen times. I bring a bottle of wine. I compliment the food I offer to help with cleanup. They smile and nod then go right back to talking to her like I’m not there. They ask her about work hobbies friends her siblings her childhood. I’ll try to jump in and ask a question or make a comment and I get a short answer then silence. It’s like they don’t even see me
Once her dad asked if I was still the same guy from last time. We’d been together a year and a half by then. I just smiled and sat through it
Last week she invited me to another dinner. I told her I didn’t want to go. She asked why and I finally told her I feel invisible around them. I said I’m tired of pretending their coldness is normal. She said her family is just slow to warm up and that they’re private not mean. But it’s been two years. I’m not asking for hugs or to be called son in law. I just want to feel like they actually see me
She says I’m making it harder to bring her life and mine together. That if I stop showing up they’ll never know me but I feel like I’ve been trying this whole time and they’ve never tried back
AITA for deciding I’m done showing up for people who never see me?
Comments
Grin and bear it. Not showing up is tantamount to beginning to end the relationship with gf. Now that she knows your feelings, let’s see what happens going forward.
You’re not the asshole but you need to understand this very well could ruin your relationship. Hopefully your girlfriend heard you and we’ll talk to her family, but that does require you to show back up. Either way her dad sounds like a jerk.
If this ends it’s on your girl and her family. You did your part for 2 years. They simply don’t see you as the man for her. If she doesn’t see that then she’s not the one for you
Where you dont feel respected, you are okay to not go there.
May be if it makes sense then better have such dinners outside.
Dude that is your GF family and regardless how painful you need to win over them unless you don’t want to be with your GF anymore. You could lose your GF is you can’t win over them.
NTA. Your gf is delusional that they will warm up after 2 YEARS! She is an AH for letting her family treat you like that. She needs to talk to her family. It isn’t ok, and if she can’t put herself in your shoes for just a minute, I don’t see this relationship working. You are not making it harder to bring your lives together, her family is doing that! I wouldn’t go where I am not wanted either.
Honestly, a lot of this seems like something I’d just accept as the way they are. But this, after 18 months and many meetings is really awful:
>Once her dad asked if I was still the same guy from last time. We’d been together a year and a half by then.
If she doesn’t see the problem with this, you have a GF problem.
We always see comments about men who do not have their girlfriends back. What about his girlfriend? Why isn’t she supporting him.? She should’ve stopped this in the bud. The first time he went to dinner. If he stays with her, she will always put her parents above him. He is not now nor will he ever be her priority. Time to leave. Find someone who respects you and will be there for you; just as you should be there for them.
>Once her dad asked if I was still the same guy from last time.
Oof! NTA, but not going is going to strain your relationship with your GF. you can’t hope for this to get better if you don’t make an effort. maybe you and your GF can do more to integrate you into their lives? but it doesn’t sound like she’s even trying, so… I dunno, this might not be the relationship for you.
INFO: have you invited them over for dinner?
They’re not interested. She’s trying to force something that won’t be forced.
NTA but are you essentially becoming invisible because you think they are ignoring you. Have you made yourself unapproachable. Do you take the initiative and start conversations. Do you walk up to her dad and mom and say hi. Nice to see you again. What new. What are you like at other similar type gatherings? Do you act the same at both types? You probably should have said something much sooner to your GF about how you feel. How can things get fixed without communications? Nobody reads minds. Stop expecting others to read your mind or your feelings. They do not sound like they have been overly welcoming either. Maybe she had a terrible BF in the past and they are overly cautious. Who knows what their side of the story is.
NTA. They’re being disrespectful AHs, and life is far too short to deal with people like them. Don’t go.
NTA. My ex’s family pulled this same shit, five years in, his mom still called me “that nice girl” like she couldn’t be bothered to remember my name. Turns out, they were testing how much disrespect I’d tolerate. Well guess what? I tolerated zero.
NTA – its on your partner to make sure you’re treated with decency and respect. That being said, they are not being respectful to you and you don’t need to be a pushover to please them. I would call them out the next time they back comments like that.
NTA, and you need to have a serious discussion with her in this. Part of the problem here is she is allowing this to happen. Whether its in private or right there in front of you (the latter is preferable), she should be telling them their behavior is unacceptable. If she refuses to stick up for you and defend you against her family, you need to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want.
…What if you’re actually not the same guy from last time?
Go this time. Ask her to really pay attention to how her parents treat you or rather don’t treat you. Tell her not to give them a heads up
They won’t know you anyway because they don’t want to. They don’t talk to you, for goodness sake. It’s a huge red flag where she made you into a problem while you aren’t one. NTA
Its possible they don’t see you as a potential husband for their daughter. Its possible that your GF doesn’t see you as her potential partner either. I think talk to your GF first, ask her if she seems herself living long term with you and then proceed to let her know that your self respect is equally important to you and that the next time you go for dinner, she needs to watch how her parents treat you and to have your back. If she doesn’t, then you know is time to go. Before that, see for yourself if you see yourself spending a life time with her.
Your girlfriend is the problem here. She is the one that should be standing up for you, involving you in the conversation, calling them out for being cold. The fact that she hasn’t is a red flag. She’s ok with you being treated like trash, and I’m guessing if you REALLY sat down and thought about it, she does the same with her friends and coworkers when you’re around them. She likes the IDEA of you, but you’re not enough for her to fight for.
Remember, the old saying “surround yourself with people who fight for you in rooms you’re not in.” She won’t even do it when you ARE there.
NTA
If she won’t speak up for you and tolerates this blatant disrespect, she is not wife material.
You both have valid points and I love how you wrote it all, I can rarely see both sides in these stories. On one side, I’d feel very uncomfortable and I’d try to avoid them at all costs after their “is this the same person?” comment, on the other side, she has a point when she says they won’t get to know you if you are not there.
My advice is she needs to sit and talk to her family on her own. She deals with her family of origin, same for you. She doesn’t have to fight or go no contact, just start setting boundaries on what to say and how to treat you.
Personal example: my grandma is like “I don’t care anymore, I’m old and everyone needs to listen to me”, so she gave my then boyfriend now husband, a backhanded compliment, in front of his family. I talked to her alone in private, telling her that it made me uncomfortable, and asking her how she’d feel if I told her that someone in his family had made a similar comment to me. She understood and didn’t make a fuss about it.
NAH, because this is a very solvable problem. Her family is a little a*holish, but she needs to set them straight, if that doesn’t happen, then that’s another story.
NTA…
Show her this post. Dear girlfriend…
It has been 2 years and you have failed to do anything to set boundaries for your family to show some basic respect and warmth to your partner. You are failing miserably. Start doing better or next time reddit’s advice will be to leave you.
Drop her before you waste more time!!
She needs to stand up and say something to them and it should have happened long before now. It might be time to rethink the relationship
NTA.
It is your gf and her parents making it difficult.
NTA. I take umbrage with her stating they are just distant and not mean. Treating you like the furniture is in fact both mean and rude. Are you sure you want to hitch your wagon to someone who doesn’t recognize bullying? I’d be reconsidering the entire relationship.
Some families are just cold, mine included. I’d say just go and don’t worry about it, it’s a couple hours, supports your GF. Just be polite and let expectations go.
I would ask the father, “douchebagsayswhat?” every time I spoke to him
They are rude – probably feel that no one is good enough for their daughter/sister. I would stop trying with that bunch also.
NTA.
IF bringing “your life and hers together” includes people who resent your existence, then why would you do it?
Has she not noticed how you were treated?
Has she not noticed that no one talks to you?
Does she think this is acceptable?
Dude. She’s not the one.
She’s expecting you to put up with the discomfort and disrespect.
FOR HER comfort.
That’s a deal breaker.
NTA, she needs to talk to her parents. She needs to let them know that their coldness is making it hard for her boyfriend to feel like part of the family.
I remember when I was first trying to fit in with my now Husband’s family, I was telling a story and my FIL looked at me and said point blank that nobody was there to hear me talk. I didn’t spend a lot of time around them after that and it did affect how much time he got to spend with his son.
She needs to intervene now or they will never really openly except you because it hasn’t been required of them by the person you’re with.
NTA, but you may be over-sensitive.
Having to spend a boring evening with them every once in a while isn’t the end of the work if you love her!
When I had girlfriends whose families I didn’t like, I just approached it as a bit of fun and would give as good as I got.
Her family are not superior to you, and if you’re going to build a life with her, she’s going to have to acknowledge that you’re more important than them.
If not, this relationship isn’t going to work out.
Unpopular opinion: I see some codependency here- you want them to act a certain way towards you and since it doesn’t look like it’s going to happen, you want to step away. Two years sounds like a long time, but for some families it isn’t; what I’d do if I was in a situation where I’m mistreated or insulted then I’d tell my significant other I’m not putting myself through that anymore and not participate in family things with them- but not if I’m ignored. I’d just bring another thing to keep me entertained and see if there is any change.
Yeah it’s fine to love someone but for you to have a future which includes marriage. Not only do you have to get on well with each other you have to get on well with the rest of the family and vice versa. I know some people won’t agree but you really are marrying each other’s families. If there’s negativity coming from either side eventually either it makes problems and you split or that negative family member gets cut off. Anyway if marriage is not where you guys are headed then you should treat your relationship as just a bit of fun. A family that excludes you doesn’t want you around. it’s not going to work excluding you is way worse than just not liking you.
NTA but just keep in mind that this could very well end things between you two. I can’t relate to the cold family dynamic, but my petty ass would keep showing up with a huge fucking grin especially if I thought it annoyed them. Idk in-law/gf and bf families are tough. Sometimes you just gotta suck it up, but other times it’s a dealbreaker. You gotta pull up those pants and decide which one you’re gonna choose. And so does your gf. It’s sad that she doesn’t have your back, especially when she’s clearly noticed. That would personally be a dealbreaker for me. If my bf expressed that he felt invisible around my family, I’d have a huge fucking talk with my family about it because ain’t no way you’re gonna disrespect my man without reason.
It seems clear there is a cultural imbalance here. I assume that potentially the BF is of a lower economic status and thus they exclude him. Would love to know more on that
NTA. I would never be around her people. Dude, she has no self awareness.
NTA! At this point she needs to speak to her family about it. Maybe at the family dinner you skip. Telling them that if they don’t start including you, she will also stop attending. Not accepting and including you is not an option. Never marry unless this is resolved.
I had a simple agreement with my late wife, “You deal with your family when there’s a problem, I’ll deal with mine!” That way there’s no bad feelings coming from them toward you! With that being said though, I’d go the next time, wait until there’s a break in the conversations, & say, “Y’all know, I’ve been thinking about something for quite a while, & I’d like to get your thoughts on it. I’ve been with GF’s name for over 2 years, yet when I come over here, INVITED, y’all either talk around me! Or you talk through me like I’m not here! I was just wondering, what is it going to take to accept me, as her partner, or he’ll, even as human being? I didn’t come last time because I’m tired of being somewhere I’m not want!!! So, what is it going to take for you to accept me?!?!?” Be prepared for whatever they have to say. As well as your GF to be pissed off at you! Just tell her, “I brought my concerns & feelings about the situation up to you, & instead of trying to understand my feelings & standing up to them (& defending me) by not finding out what the problem was. You made excuses for the way they’ve treated me for the last 2 years!!!!! I’m not ‘Making it harder to bring our lives together’, they are! If I stop showing up, either they won’t notice, or you’ll have to explain to them that I’m tired of being treated like a big pile of 💩, & sitting there like I enjoy it!!!!!” OP, was there ever a time during your relationship when things were going bad between y’all? I ask because if there was , & she went complaining about it to her parents, that may be why they’re such AHs toward you! We get over our madness & fix the problem with our partners, but mom & dad don’t!!! All they can think about is the fact that you hurt their baby!!! Just a thought
NTA If gf insists though go with her and be petty. Introduce yourself to them as soon as you get there. Tell them you have heard great things about the whole family.
These people are doing you a favor! They know their daughter is a feckless jezebel who is just stringing you along and they want you to know it too. She isn’t encouraging them to treat you better because she knows they will give her an earful about using people.
NTA. GF is TA – why does make excuses for them instead of supporting you & your relationship ? You can’t have a life together if her dad doesn’t realize you’ve been around for 18 months
NTA, this is not normal behavior. I get being “reserved” or “private” but this is downright cold.
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NTA.
Just go and say nice to meet you as if you’re meeting them for the first time.
See how they react.
Since they are treating like you are not there start dropping passive aggressive comments. When her dad asks if you are the same guy, just respond…”you’re not very bright are you?” Or…”you might want to see a neurologist about your cognitive problems.”
Still showing this level of disrespect after 2 years, and your GF not standing up for you sounds like Red Flag Ville.
It doesn’t take 2 years to decide if you like someone.
This is deliberate and cruel.
NTA
Tell your girlfriend it is a two way street. Where is their effort?