I (20F) come from an African household where family is everything. Growing up, I never had a birthday party because it was considered “too expensive,” and I’ve never really received gifts from my family, aside from the occasional one from a friend or my boyfriend. So birthdays have always been a bit sore for me.
My niece’s birthday is on September 21st, and mine is on the 27th. When my sister told me she wanted to throw a party for my niece’s first birthday, I was obviously happy to attend. I go to uni in Plymouth, and my family is in London, so I booked time off work to travel up for the weekend of the 21st, assuming the party would be held then.
But now my sister has booked a hall for the 27th, my birthday. She said she couldn’t do the party the weekend of my niece’s actual birthday because she didn’t want her friends to have to travel with their kids on a Sunday, and she refuses to do it on the Saturday (the 20th) because “you can’t celebrate a birthday before it’s happened.”
So now she’s settled on my birthday weekend instead. I wanted to spend the day with my boyfriend. I already booked time off for that weekend, and so did he. We were planning something lowkey but meaningful, especially since this year is my 21st and my first proper milestone birthday that I’ll be able to celebrate.
My sister is saying I already agreed to come (which I did, before I knew the date had changed). She even said I could bring my friends, but none of my London friends will be around, they’ll all be back at uni too. And my uni friends from Plymouth obviously can’t travel 5 hours and miss uni just to come to a kid’s party full of strangers.
I love my niece and I do want to celebrate her, but I’ve never been able to celebrate properly, and now the one time I thought I could, i might be stuck alone again.
So… AITA for not wanting to go to my niece’s birthday anymore, even though I originally said I would?
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I (20F) come from an African household where family is everything. Growing up, I never had a birthday party because it was considered “too expensive,” and I’ve never really received gifts from my family, aside from the occasional one from a friend or my boyfriend. So birthdays have always been a bit sore for me.
My niece’s birthday is on September 21st, and mine is on the 27th. When my sister told me she wanted to throw a party for my niece’s first birthday, I was obviously happy to attend. I go to uni in Plymouth, and my family is in London, so I booked time off work to travel up for the weekend of the 21st, assuming the party would be held then.
But now my sister has booked a hall for the 27th, my birthday. She said she couldn’t do the party the weekend of my niece’s actual birthday because she didn’t want her friends to have to travel with their kids on a Sunday, and she refuses to do it on the Saturday (the 20th) because “you can’t celebrate a birthday before it’s happened.”
So now she’s settled on my birthday weekend instead. I wanted to spend the day with my boyfriend. I already booked time off for that weekend, and so did he. We were planning something lowkey but meaningful, especially since this year is my 21st and my first proper milestone birthday that I’ll be able to celebrate.
My sister is saying I already agreed to come (which I did, before I knew the date had changed). She even said I could bring my friends, but none of my London friends will be around, they’ll all be back at uni too. And my uni friends from Plymouth obviously can’t travel 5 hours and miss uni just to come to a kid’s party full of strangers.
I love my niece and I do want to celebrate her, but I’ve never been able to celebrate properly, and now the one time I thought I could, i might be stuck alone again.
So… AITA for not wanting to go to my niece’s birthday anymore, even though I originally said I would?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) the action taken is not going to my neices birthday because it’s on the same day as mine even though I previously said that I would go (2) I think that this would make me the asshole because I’m going back on what I said I would do and it’s my niece she’s turning one which is a big event, I wasn’t able to attend her baby shower because I had work so now I feel like I shouldn’t miss out on this and in African households it’s expected to put others before yourself. I also just don’t know if it’s a justifiable excuse to say “I want to celebrate my birthday” I don’t know if I’m just insecure or something but that just sounds so self absorbed so maybe i am the asshole and need to just suck it up
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your niece won’t care. Celebrate your 21st like you originally planned. This is a good opportunity to start teaching your family that you are an independent person with her own commitments, including commitments to yourself.
Your niece won’t remember any of this. You can finally enjoy a birthday. Go ahead. NTA
NTA for wanting to spend time for yourself. You deserve to celebrate your birthday.
However, consider how missing the party will affect your relationships with your family since you are still so tied with them. If you don’t mind celebrating your birthday early, can your boyfriend switch weekends off to spend the weekend of the 21st with you instead? I get your history of not wanting to, but if you need to preserve your family relationships and not hear about missing this party for the next forty years, figuring out a way to do both might be in your best interest.
NTA. She knew she booked it on your birthday. You already told her you were ready to go on the actual birthday. You have plans on the 27th. Sorry, sister.
NTA
You agreed to come the other day, not the day of your birthday. Your sister had a choice : her friends can’t come, or you can’t come.
She chose the second option, maybe she had no idea you had plans since you aren’t used to celebrate your birthday but she should have asked if she wanted to be sure.
NTA. You said you’d go for her birthday, not for yours. Your sister knew what she was doing.
NTA! Go to your 21st birthday party! It’s a huge one. You will remember this while your niece will not. Don’t let your family guilt you about your decision. This is a time to stand your ground. Unfortunately, this may feel uncomfortable but that’s what we have to do sometimes for the betterment of ourselves.
NTA and you would be totally justified in refusing, after all you did have a prior engagement. And your niece won’t know or care. Problem is, your sister will and she doesn’t sound very understanding so chances are you will hear about it forever!!! Pick your battles, you can move your birthday celebration to the first weekend unless you have tickets to something or something that you cannot change. It might be worth it long term.
Obviously NTA as you had agreed for a different date. IMO this on its own would be enough considering you live somewhere else, time off work is involved, planning etc.
But if we add the fact that she actually scheduled it to your bday I’m sorry I just think it’s insane of her to even think she has the right to be mad about it
A 1st birthday is for the parents, not the child. You’re not the parent, the baby won’t know you’re not there. You deserve to have a birthday where you feel special and loved. NTA.
NTA, but I’m curious as to why a 21st birthday is considered a milestone birthday in the UK.
Could it be a surprise 21st birthday party for OP?
Nope NTA. First off, 1st birthdays are purely for the parents, your niece isn’t even going to remember FFS. Second, it honestly feels like your sister did this on purpose. People have birthday parties on the Saturday before their birthday all the damn time, no one would care or judge (especially not your niece, who again, can’t remember cos she’s a freaking baby). It all just feels like a load of shit to me. Celebrate your birthday as you planned and don’t let your sister get in your head. It’s okay to put yourself first.
NTA. It’s not your fault your family sister changed the date accommodate her friends travel schedules. But even more telling is that you never got to celebrate birthdays as a child because they were considered “too expensive” but now you’re expected to celebrate your niece’s birthday bash? On your own birthday no less? That is actually cruel. You get to celebrate your milestone birthday however you prefer with zero guilt.
Maybe she is secretly planning a party for you
I’m thinking it’s a surprise 21st?
NTA. Your niece’s 1st birthday is pretty much for her parents more than it is for her. She won’t remember it! Your sister changed dates after you’d already taken time off to be there for her actual birthday. And your 21st is a big deal and totally understandable that you’d want to celebrate it!
NTA
Just let her know you already made plans for that weekend. She changed the date, you had committed to going with the date she set. Now that she changed it, you wish them well and will send a gift, but you’ll have to decline the invite due to conflicting plans.
Don’t explain further.
NTA – You agreed to the 21, you booked the time off for the 21. She changed the date after the fact and you’re not available.
Is it a possibility that your family is arranging a joint birthday party to celebrate your 21st? I think it might be an idea to ask your sister. Explain that it’s your birthday and you had made plans and see what her reaction is?
NTA, you had plans already for that weekend and you agreed to attending the niece’s party on a different date. You are justified in not attending.
NTA; an RSVP is void as soon as an event’s date changes
NTA you agreed to go when you thought it was on her birthday. You already made plans for your birthday
You do mention that there might be cultural issues in play and I can’t address them – but in general, I would say that if the host changes something important about the event after you accept, something like the date, time, location etc. it is quite reasonable for you to say that you can’t attend the event on the new date or time or at the new location. The host should accept this.
I have to say that although in my culture, children’s birthdays are important, in my family the birthdays of very young children – first, second – are pretty low-key affairs. The children are too young to enjoy it or remember, so there might be only immediate family bringing a gift for the child and having cake and tea or coffee. It’s only when the children get a bit older and their friends can be invited to play with them that the parties get bigger.
NTA celebrate yours with your friends your nieces birthday is before so come like you planned then and give the baby her gift then come back home
You agreed to a double date and already have plans for the date she changed it to do…you are unfortunately, unavailable. Send your regrets and a nice gift and enjoy your already, planned ahead day off.
NTA, that’s very inconsiderate of your sister
Was the date changed? Or you assumed it was the weekend of the 21st? It is pretty common to want to celebrate on Saturdays. Is it cultural/”bad luck” to celebrate before it happens?
Functionally, there is no huge difference between celebrating your birthday the weekend of, or the next weekend. You just seem to have a lot of resentment for your family. You can “celebrate properly” a week later or a week earlier. And, ai get why 21 is significant in the US, but, genuine question, what makes it more significant than 20 anywhere else?
NAH. She’s not an AH for celebrating on your “birthday weekend” (depending on when/how the date change was announced). You aren’t the AH if you won’t/can’t go.
But, and I know I’ll get hated on for this, what were you going to do for your birthday that weekend that you can’t do the weekend before/after? If you don’t go to this birthday party, there’s no opportunity to go to it any future weekend instead.
There are always going to be people who have birthdays, anniversaries, etc close to yours.
Tell her sorry I can’t go back 21 years and be unborn to a different date or have you forgotten that it’s my birthday and a special one at that.
NTA stay home with your boyfriend and celebrate your birthday.
On another note, we share a birthday; I’m also born September 27th x
NTA – I would say, ohhh, I had planned for it to be the weekend of HER birthday. I have plans for MY birthday. I’m sorry, I can’t come then.
NTA Your sister seems passive aggressive. If you ever get married please set the date for her birthday.
NTA, if I was in this situation I would go visit my niece on her actual bday and give her a present and keep my plans for my bday. She’s your sister so she knows when your bday is and seeing as it’s your 21st and have already made plans for it, she needs to be understanding as she is the one that changed the date and you had planned to go when you knew it wasn’t happening on your bday.
You niece will not know if you were there or not. It is her 1st birthday while important for family, the kid will not know anything about it.
It is you 21st birthday and that is a huge milestone. YOU will remember that. Choose for yourself and tell your sister that you made arrangements before she told you.
And that you would not want to take any attention away for your niece, because your family will also know it is your birthday. That your sister is inconsiderate to plan her daughter’s birthday party on your birthday and risk her having to share her special day with her aunt instead of being the main focus. Next year she should keep that in mind.
NTA, you already made plans for your bday with your boyfriend. You could always celebrate your niece at a later date! It’s not like she’ll remember this one, either.
As young adults it seems almost impossible to go against the beliefs that were planted into our brains as truth.
BUT you will have a much happier life if you learn to decide what YOU truly believe deep inside and choose your actions accordingly.
“Family is everything” is not true. Family is important (if you had a good one) but they are not everything. This is the time in life that YOU take control of your life. It’s hard and frightening but possible, and gets less scary each time you stand up for yourself.
Your sister gave you a date and you made plans accordingly. She changed the date with no consideration for you. It would be nice if it was a surprise party for you but the facts just don’t support that idea. If it was for you, would she schedule a date for her daughter’s party but only then change it to yours? Not likely.
Stand your ground in spite of feeling guilty. The only valid reasons to feel guilt is if you do something illegal or immoral. Not attending an oblivious child’s first birthday is a small blip and not worthy of guilt or drama. Learn to grey rock your family going forward.
Enjoy your birthday sweetheart!
Na NTA but did your sister just say to come to the new venue and bring your friends? Since your sister apparently does not seem to know it’s actually your birthday, in my humble opinion I would highjack the party.
While everyone is there i would stand up and give a nice little speech in how finally someone celebrates your.
But tjisnis my petty self.
Nonin all seriousness cancel and spend the day with people who love and support you.
I mean come on seems a little convenient with the date. Also the toddler is 1. Is this behavior normal or are you just the punchline here?