My MIL had been in memory care for 2 years, and had been slowly declining due to dementia. My husband and I were her primary caregivers / support during that time.
My MIL had many friends and a large family, but rarely did anyone visit her, or even check in with us to see if they could help. Particularly her own sisters, who are much younger than her.
She passed a few days ago, and my husband had the intention of having a brief visitation (closed casket), and then a short prayer service. But already people are complaining there’s no mass for her, complaining about the text my husband sent with the service details (my MIL had a sharp tongue and great sense of humor, so he made it funny…of course, people are offended). Bugging us about the details of the service…we’ve both been grieving pretty hard, and have had it with all of these people.
Is it wrong for the two of us to just go to the funeral home, have a quick prayer service, and then go to the cemetery with the funeral director? Then just tell everyone we’ll have a memorial service at a later date. I know it’s going to make a lot of people mad, but we just don’t care. No one was there for her when we would tell them she declining and they should visit, so why are we taking this crap from them?
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My MIL has been in memory care for 2 years, and had been slowly declining due to dementia. My husband and I were her primary caregivers / support during that time. My MIL had many friends and a large family, but rarely did anyone visit her, or even check in with us to see if they could help. Particularly her own sisters, who are much younger than her. She passed a few days ago, and my husband had the intention of having a brief visitation (closed casket), and then a short prayer service. But already people are complaining there’s no mass for her, complaining about the text my husband sent with the service details (my MIL had a sharp tongue and great sense of humor, so he made it funny…of course, people are offended). Bugging us about the details of the service…we’ve both been grieving pretty hard, and have had it with all of these people. Is it wrong for the two of us to just go to the funeral home, have a quick prayer service, and then go to the cemetery with the funeral director? Then just tell everyone we’ll have a memorial service at a later date. I know it’s going to make a lot of people mad, but we just don’t care. No one was there for her when we would tell them she declining and they should visit, so why are we taking this crap for everyone now??
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> We are not having a visitation and funeral for my mother in law. It is expected, so we’re going to make a lot of people mad.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
100% NTA. Do whatever your loved one wanted or even just what you guys want.
Anyone who didn’t help a lick with my dad was told to fuck right off when there was no funeral and no service. HE wanted that. HE said that if people didn’t visit him when he was alive then he sure as hell didn’t want them to visit him when he died.
I did what HE wanted and ignored every single other person.
You and your husband are the primary family, it’s your call. Whatever is right for you, is right. And everyone else can adjust to that.
NTA. The sisters can make arrangements.
NTA. I’d give the time and option for the immediate family to join and know none of them will.
NTA, by any stretch of the imagination. I think a brief, closed-casket visitation is fine. Visitation still gives people a chance to dress up, socialize, and gossip, which is really what all this is about, IMO. It’s not about mourning your MIL.
NTA. These people couldn’t be bothered to visit her in her final days or offer help. You deserve the opportunity to grieve in peace. Your plan to bring the others into a memorial service later sounds like a reasonable compromise.
NTA. If they want a service let them plan it themselves
INFO Did your MIL give any details about what kind of service she wanted? I will say that you mentioned Mass so if she was a practicing Catholic a lot of Catholics want Mass as part of their funeral service.
What would your MIL want?
NTA, are those that are complaining about it ready to step up and pay for this additional service as well as do the planning? You did a lot for your MIL and are planning on celebrating her life in a way that’s meaningful to you, without the additional costs that larger services entail.
NTA. An extended family member of mine died in the height of COVID (from something unrelated). His widow was only allowed to hold a graveside service with a few people and told everyone else there would be a memorial service later. It never happened. The difference is that we understand and don’t ever mention it to her. It’s none of our business how she grieves or spends thousands of dollars.
NTA. If she was your responsibility in life, you can make the choices after her passing. Unless someone else wants to pony up the expense. I’m sure after being in memory care, there was nothing left of her own assets to pay for much
A lot of family simply do an obituary in the paper which is public. And it says something like, “funeral will be a private just with the immediate family. Memorial donations may be made to the following charities… ”
If she was religious, you can list her church as one of the beneficiaries of charitable donations.
NTA. My late husband didn’t want anything. He wanted everyones lives to go on like nothing had happened. There was no service, no memorial. I have his ashes, and even now have no idea what my plans for them are. If people want to have some sort of memorial for her then no one can stop them, but you aren’t required to do anything unless she stipulated that she wanted you to. Tell them to back off and do whatever they need to do for their closure.
NTA.
If those relatives want to have a mass said for her, they are most welcome to arrange it as this doesn’t even require having the body.
What would your MIL want to do? Be honest. Do that.
You’re grieving and not thinking clearly. The stress and resentment of being her primary caretakers is maybe clouding your judgment. If your MIL would have liked a simple service to let her loved ones say goodbye, then please do it.
(I took care of my mom for years with very little help from family / friends, so I think I know what you’re going through right now.) Going forward, you’ll be so happy that you took such good care of her. Best wishes!
When my mother passed away, the pressure and stress of doing what you’re supposed to do is ridiculous. You don’t even have time to grieve bc you’re so busy making arrangements.
What I learned, and put into practice when my grandmother passed, is do what you need to do for yourself. Funerals are for the living and grieving. Don’t worry about the supposed to, what others think, and judgment.
Do what feels right for you and your husband. (And if they didn’t care to bring her flowers when she was alive, it doesn’t matter now.)
It’s your husband’s decision. As long as you are shoulder to shoulder with him in whatever he decides he needs, you personally are NTA.
NTA if your honoring your MIL’s final wishes. When my grand dad passed, he didn’t want a funeral, no showing, no wake. He just wanted to be cremated and buried.
NTA. Funerals are expensive. Do what you can afford or want. Feel free to tell the family members that if they cared, they should have shown up when she was alive.
My Mom was in memory care for 2 1/2 years. She is now in nursing care and declining rapidly. While we have been lucky to have family and friends who truly cared and made an effort, I am painfully aware that this is not always the case. If I were you, I would ask these people where the f*** they were when she was alive. If they couldn’t be there when she and you needed them, they don’t need to be there to say goodbye. You do whatever is best for YOU, and screw them!! If you want to do a memorial service later, go for it. My heart goes out to you both. Caregiving is very hard, watching someone you love fade away. (((HUGS to you both)))
NTA
NTA.
Let them know they are welcome yo make arrangements to grieve in whichever way they feel is best.
Do what is right & healthy for the 2 of you….. all this funeral ritual, viewing the body, whispering about the outfit & how the person look, yada yada has gotten out of hand…..I’m over it, my kids know what to do & want I want & it’s certainly not all that ritualistic mumbo jumbo. Not to mention the cost & the repast/shiva or whatever you call it.
You guys been through enough, have it your way….. my condolences to your husband & you🙏🏾
NTA. Honor her how you and your husband feel is best.
I’m sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was a fun person.
NTA, tothe next person that complains, tell them “thanks for taking over planning and the financials as well. See you at the service 🙂 “
This is so sad but make the arrangements and then when people complain even if your service is off in the future, you’ll be able to tell them what the date is. Absolutely nothing wrong with what you did. I’m sorry for your loss.
NTA, and deepest condolences on your loss. I am a firm believer that funerals are for the living, and whatever brings the most comfort to the people who matter is what should happen. I don’t even particularly concern myself with the wishes of the deceased (they aren’t there) except to the extent that it brings comfort to know you’re doing what they [would have] wanted. I wish you peace.
NTA i think berating a grieving family over how they choose to handle their grief is one of the lowest, pettiest thing a person can do.
Unless her funeral wishes are detailed in a will, then I’m assuming it’s your husband’s decision to make, so NTA. Maybe if they’d been supportive while she was living, their opinions would matter now that she’s gone.
NTA – funerals are for those left behind. It is up to those paying for it what type of funeral they have. I, personally, have asked for no funeral unless my immediate family needs it. Waste of money. If people want to see me, do it when I’m alive. I don’t need people oogling my dead body. You can have a small prayer service. You can send them mass cards for them to donate. What does your religion recommend? Could you have a private mass? or is a private prayer service okay?
Nta and do it when it is convenient for you. Sorry for your loss.
NTA Exclaim your surprise with “Oh, now you’re concerned?”
NTA! I have lost practically all of my immediate family by now. My grandmother (who raised me) had a terrible service because we were all so distraught, we let a family friend’s preacher lead… I wish we had never had a service because she didn’t want one much for the same reason you have for your MIL. Funerals are for the living. If they want to memorialize her so badly to make themselves feel better, they can have a service themselves. Funeral services are expensive. As long as you are allowing your husband to grieve in his own way and you’re not trying to control his decision at all, you’re definitely NTA and everyone else can get bent.
NTA. Text the following:
Remind everyone that you and your husband were the only ones who were there for MIL during her last years. No one offered to help ir even checked in.
The plan is not changing. They have two options. First option is to attend and leave their dramatics at home. You dont eant any snarky comments or pouting. Secobd option is to just stay away.
NTA.
This isn’t your problem. If your husband wanted to have a funeral service, he’d have planned one. Tune out everyone who’s complaining to you, tell them to go talk to your husband because it was not your place to plan his mother’s funeral and if it’s any of her sisters feel free to tell them that if they want a funeral mass they can plan the funeral mass, and if they don’t like it and won’t do it, then please leave you alone to grieve with your husband.
My dad officiated funerals for 30+ years. He said funerals truly make people’s real opinions more visible, especially when things are planned they don’t agree with. Don’t engage, and even temporarily mute people on your phone.
I’m sorry for your loss.
“My MIL had many friends and a large family, but rarely did anyone visit her, or even check in with us to see if they could help. Particularly her own sisters, who are much younger than her.”
All of the people whining about the lack of a lengthy [read expensive-r] service can set it up themselves. They had time to talk with MIL about this [and other things]. You’re talking about having a memorial service later; let them set it up if they really want/need it. Give them a phone number/name to contact and tell them to make their plans.
“No one was there for her when we would tell them she declining and they should visit” – remind them of this. You aren’t here to make everyone else happy right now.
You have the right to honor MIL in the way you [and I expect, MIL] have decided. Go ahead with the service you want. I’m sorry you have to deal with selfish relatives on top of grieving while setting up a final service.
The complaining friends & relatives should be sent the following reply. “MIL [insert name] will be laid to rest on [date/time] Give the details of the burial as you and you’re husband have planned. If anyone wishes to provide a more elaborate service more to their liking at a later date, they are more than welcome to do so.” This should make it clear to the complainers to “put up or shut up.” My money’s on they’ll quickly shut up once their bluff is called.
The complaining friends & relatives should be sent the following reply. “MIL [insert name] will be laid to rest on [date/time] Give the details of the burial as you and you’re husband have planned. If anyone wishes to provide a more elaborate service more to their liking at a later date, they are more than welcome to do so.” This should make it clear to the complainers to either “put up or shut up.” My money’s on they’ll quickly shut up once their bluff is called.
NTA – I went to the funeral for my childhood friend’s father. The minister never had a chance to know the man. So, he preached a sermon. My father and I left furious and I had to promise if that was tried at his funeral I would drag the person from the podium.
We did have a service for my dad, the minister who did not know him was amazing and us kids did eulogies (never again. I am a cry baby).
Edit. Got the wrong button.
I said the above to say this.
Do what feels right for you and your husband. I will tell you what I told my niece when I convinced her to skip Daddy’s service for a long anticipated senior trip. (At the request of her parents). You were there when it was important to her. When she needed to be taken care of and know she was loved. I believe even in memory care she felt your love.
The services now aren’t for her. They are for others. You don’t owe these people an opportunity to show performative grief instead of being there for her and for you and your husband when they could have provided tangible help.
NTA you guys don’t owe the squawkers anything at all! Do what you can do while grieving without discussing it with anyone else. After, mention that they (the people with all the opinions) can organize a memorial service for everyone to pay their respects. Since they seem to have a clear vision of what should be done, they can plan (and fund) it.