For context, me (20M), and my gf (19F), have been together for over 1 year. Overall we have a healthy and loving relationship, however, there has been something that is causing some friction between us.
As a result of her Asperger’s / Autism, she often struggles dealing with change, especially when it is sudden. At first this caused limited distress between us as having good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship.
However, over the past couple months, her reactions have become extreme in my opinion.
For example – If I have not informed and reminded her about a plan to go to a pub / club / anything involving friends and alcohol, she will call me inconsiderate and not talk to me until I get home.
Another example happened today, whilst she was at work, and I had the day off; I spontaneously decided to go on a drive with my neighbour to a farm shop roughly an hours drive away; I messaged her to let her know but as she was at work she did not read it until she was clocked out. When she responded, she said that it was a ‘shitty thing to do’, and that I ‘should’ve waited until I finished work’.
I messaged back saying that ‘as a 20 year old man, I should not have to request permission in order to live my life’. She told me to ‘cut her a break’.
This has become a recurring situation, and we have gone back and forth over this around a dozen times.
I understand she struggles with social situations and responding to change due to her Asperger’s, but it is causing me to feel stressed and worried for the future.
The question I have is: AITA for feeling this way, because it is a result of something she cannot change?
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For context, me (20M), and my gf (19F), have been together for over 1 year. Overall we have a healthy and loving relationship, however, there has been something that is causing some friction between us.
As a result of her Asperger’s / Autism, she often struggles dealing with change, especially when it is sudden. At first this caused limited distress between us as having good communication is the cornerstone of a good relationship.
However, over the past couple months, her reactions have become extreme in my opinion.
For example – If I have not informed and reminded her about a plan to go to a pub / club / anything involving friends and alcohol, she will call me inconsiderate and not talk to me until I get home.
Another example happened today, whilst she was at work, and I had the day off; I spontaneously decided to go on a drive with my neighbour to a farm shop roughly an hours drive away; I messaged her to let her know but as she was at work she did not read it until she was clocked out. When she responded, she said that it was a ‘shitty thing to do’, and that I ‘should’ve waited until I finished work’.
I messaged back saying that ‘as a 20 year old man, I should not have to request permission in order to live my life’. She told me to ‘cut her a break’.
This has become a recurring situation, and we have gone back and forth over this around a dozen times.
I understand she struggles with social situations and responding to change due to her Asperger’s, but it is causing me to feel stressed and worried for the future.
The question I have is: AITA for feeling this way, because it is a result of something she cannot change?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I think that my girlfriend is being harsh with me and using her condition as a scapegoat, claiming that I need to inform her of plans well in advance or else she will get angry with me, or the plans will not go ahead at all. 2- As she is autistic, she has a harder than others (myself included), in dealing with changes to plans. Therefore, AITA for getting frustrated at her when it isn’t something she can easily manage?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You hit the nail on the head – you are an adult, and she is not your Mother. NTA.
NTA – there is a difference between being autistic and having difficulty adapting to change, and being controlling. Your gf is leaning towards the controlling aspect of this spectrum. You are correct in that you should not have to ask permission to live your life, and sending your gf a text informing her that you would be out with a friend should not have resulted in her reaction, unless you had plans together or were supposed to pick her up from work.
Autism is an explanation, but never an excuse for being an asshole.
NTA. And this also has nothing to do with “changing of plans” or her autism. Like, this isn’t autism at all. This is just control
NTA, you are 20 and she’s 19. You don’t need to commit to anything, especially if it’s going to be like this. Don’t waste time on someone that doesn’t want you to live your life. Her condition is hers to manage, you are already doing a lot to accommodate her, and you told her where you were going. Why does she need you to wait until she is off? How would that change the situation at all? You would still be going somewhere new, the only factor is she would also be going, and that doesn’t fit her “struggles with change” issue. This sounds like a problem with immaturity in managing her issues, and that she is using them as an excuse or crutch in order to have you live how she prefers, which is just controlling. She needs to either take responsibility/manage herself and meet you halfway, or go to therapy.
NTA at all. Controlling behavior is not excusable at all. Autistic or not, that issue is hers to solve.
NTA You’d better set your boundaries now. Her being on spectrum doesn’t make her in charge of your life. You messaged your GF in advance, you did nothing wrong, you are a human, not her pet.
NTA; the neurodivergent might have to learn different ways of coping given that our brains don’t work the same way as others’ but that’s not an excuse to use emotionally manipulative behaviour to force others to change their lives so that we don’t have to do the work of learning to cope.
NTA. There’s no reason that you should wait until the end of the day to take a drive that you want to take right now. Just because she can’t be bothered to read her text. Or because she doesn’t like the idea of you doing spontaneous things that don’t affect her in any way.
Of course give her a heads-up whenever possible. But that should be enough.
NTA.
If the plans do not involve her nor will change any part of her day, there’s no reason why you should report every step of your day. That’s exhausting.
NTA, despite her struggle for change, she’ll have to learn to cope better, you communicated as best as you could in the situation, you didn’t do anything wrong. I would say based on what you provided she’ll have to do more work with trusting you and getting used to not being able to control everything in life. It’s impossible for her to do that, and hopefully it’ll help her in the long run.
NTA. Feelings are not asshole worthy. What we do about them might be. GF may not be GF material for you. Her behavior is not limitations, it is controlling. People who have limitations go for understanding, not obedience.
NTA.
If you’d expect her to join last minute you’d be an AH. However if the plans only involve you than she’s behaving ridiculous. (I am saying that as a ND woman mysel, if that matters).
She cannot expect you to live your life on hold just because she needs a week notice in advance. If she wants you to be home on a specific day, she could simply ask you “can we hang out together on Friday?” instead of throwing a tantrum when you make plans with friends. Her communication doesn’t seem to be good at all honestly. (And yes that could be related to her Autism, but than it’s still on her to work on improving it.)
If she wants to go somewhere you’ve been while she couldn’t come than a simple solution would be that you both go there together again, when it suits her. It isn’t like you can visit that Farm shop just once in your life.
Sounds like she’s using the asd as an excuse to be controlling and not missing out.
Asperges or not, your an adult and you are aware enough to have a partner and work etc then make some grown up choices and let your fella visit a bloody farm shop 🤣
If she ever used the term “oh its my asd I cant help it” she absoloutely can
NTA
If you are going out during the day, which will not affect her in any way, this isnt social anxiety or an issue with change, it’s an issue with control.
It sounds like she needs to get professional help from her psychologist/psychiatrist to deal with this, especially as the behaviour is increasing. Maybe an increase or chane of meds would help.
NTA
listen, its not about asking permission, she doesn’t want you to do anything that doesn’t include HER
That’s why she guilt trips you and demands all these crazy things to make it better for her. She will complain no matter what
INFO: for hangouts that are planned well in advance, are you telling her in advance or do you tell her as you’re leaving to go? Because if it’s the latter, it makes sense why it frustrates her.
Do you have a shared calendar?
NTA. And frankly, this is something she CAN change.
I’m married to an autistic person, and our children are also neurodivergent. They can not help that their neurodivergence creates anxiety around change. What they CAN help is their behavior when they are anxious.
She’s allowed to be annoyed that you suddenly changed plans. She’s allowed to not talk to you while you’re at the pub for the evening (and most people would even consider that thoughtful). What she’s not allowed to do is attack you because she is anxious. She is not allowed to ask you to stop doing spontaneous things that do not involve her because it makes her anxious. She’s allowed to say, “I feel really anxious because the plans changed and I didn’t get to mentally prepare for it.” She’s not allowed to say, “I’m anxious and you’re an awful person for not changing your entire life to reduce my anxiety.”
In our house, we frequently say, “Your neurodivergence is not your fault but it is your responsibility.” It’s not her fault that sudden changes affect her. It is her responsibility to manage her own emotions and behaviors without being toxic towards you.
I get that she may be struggling because of the autism, but she needs to realise that it doesn’t excuse controlling behaviour. I’d recommend she join some online communities or support groups so she can learn to manage her reactions and responses with the help of others who understand her needs.
Sounds like she’s getting codependent, you’re a grown man you really don’t need to be asking for permission but more like informing her. “I’m going to xyz and I’ll be there for awhile” “I’ll be gone to xyz, Ily see you later”. It is not your job to handle her mental illnesses, it’s hers and she needs to see someone or talk to someone when she feels that way.
If this gets any worse I’d almost certainly say you’re in an abusive relationship, no partner should be telling you what you can and can not do and ignore you while you’re doing it, she’s emotionally manipulating you right now and she may not realize it so you must tell her straight up. Keep an eye out for red flags, and remember no one will protect you better than yourself, you need to stand up for yourself.
NTA. These aren’t “changes” like moving house or ingredients in a dish. You’re making plans with friends and doing them.
Her mental illness aside, it does not give her an excuse to be so controlling and micro managing. Why is going for a drive with a friend “shitty”? Has she expressed wanting to be involved more in these spontaneous things? Like, do you do spontaneous things with her ever?
For meetups with friends, she can put them in a calendar to be reminded, or you can have a shared calendar for those plans.
YTA As an autistic person, we definitely need to know what to expect. My husband works odd hours and never knowing when he’ll be home is very hard on me. Predictably is necessary for an autistic person to get through their day.
If she says that’s how she works, and you don’t respect it, your relationship is doomed.
NTA 2 neuro spicy people here in our relationship. On days off where the other is working we kind of keep each other up to date, but unless we have a set plan we don’t need to wait for the person to accept it. The only time we can get like that is when it’s a set plan that then changes.