Throwaway account for privacy. I’m getting married this summer, and we’re planning a fairly large wedding. My fiancé’s parents have been incredibly generous in helping fund the event, while my parents haven’t contributed much—which is totally fine. We’ve decided not to invite a few problematic family members, but the one causing the most pushback from my side of the family is my aunt. She’s about 12 years older than me, and to be honest, she’s not a good person. She’s struggled with drug addiction for most of my life and has stolen from, berated, and harassed other family members. Her two children had to be adopted by other relatives (one of them is now my sister) because of her negligence and selfishness. Both of them are invited to the wedding and have made it clear they don’t want her there either. I’ve heard from other family members that she’s sober from drugs now, but she’s still drinking heavily. Since we’re having an open bar, I’m worried about how she might behave. I don’t want to risk her ruining our day. My parents think I owe her a direct explanation about why she’s not invited, but I feel like simply not sending her an invite is enough. What do you think?
Edit: I’m getting pressure from my parents and grandparents to include her. They have somewhat of a relationship with her and I think don’t want that to be awkward. I don’t really think that’s my problem but I don’t want to cause unnecessary issues for anyone else either.
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Throwaway account for privacy. I’m getting married this summer, and we’re planning a fairly large wedding. My fiancé’s parents have been incredibly generous in helping fund the event, while my parents haven’t contributed much—which is totally fine. We’ve decided not to invite a few problematic family members, but the one causing the most pushback from my side of the family is my aunt. She’s about 12 years older than me, and to be honest, she’s not a good person. She’s struggled with drug addiction for most of my life and has stolen from, berated, and harassed other family members. Her two children had to be adopted by other relatives (one of them is now my sister) because of her negligence and selfishness. Both of them are invited to the wedding and have made it clear they don’t want her there either. I’ve heard from other family members that she’s sober from drugs now, but she’s still drinking heavily. Since we’re having an open bar, I’m worried about how she might behave. I don’t want to risk her ruining our day. My parents think I owe her a direct explanation about why she’s not invited, but I feel like simply not sending her an invite is enough. What do you think?
Edit: I’m getting pressure from my parents and grandparents to include her. They have somewhat of a relationship with her and I think don’t want that to be awkward. I don’t really think that’s my problem but I don’t want to cause unnecessary issues for anyone else either.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think my action of specifically not getting inviting my aunt to my wedding can be portrayed as me being an asshole. I am getting pressure from family that me not inviting her might make me the asshole even though they are not contributing to the wedding.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Nta, you don’t owe her an explanation. She will probably call you to yell at you for not inviting her anyway.
You’re NTA..
>My parents think I owe her a direct explanation about why she’s not invited
So they expect you to tell her she is a substance abusing, rude A-H and no one, including her own offspring, wants to be in the same room with her?
That could be an awkward conversation. She’s one of their siblings. Whoever that is, that person can explain it to her if it’s so important that she hear the truth.
I think it’s just common sense to not invite someone with a substance use disorder to a wedding with an open bar and guests who have disowned her. I’m really surprised they don’t see how that might affect her and her abandoned children. Weddings can bring out all the feels, but this isn’t the time to extend an olive branch. Tough conversations, amends made – that has to come first. Saying “Thanks for coming, don’t touch the booze or talk to your children,” isn’t going to make everything right. NTA
NTA you don’t owe her an explanation. No one is entitled to another person’s celebration 🤷🏼♀️
That being said, in real life, sometimes you might you have to give the explanation. I certainly wouldn’t preemptively offer it but if she is bold enough to demand an explanation, be as straightforward as possible. “It’s our wedding day and we are inviting people we have good relationships with to celebrate with us. I’m sorry we don’t have a better relationship but our wedding is not the time to repair it.” Stick to a script, write it out if necessary and end the conversation quickly. Good luck. These situations are so tricky.
NTA Her actions have consequences. Your parents are out of line. If you opt not to send an invitation if you had a relationship with her, it would be expected you’d say something. Given you don’t have the relationship, it’s on people who do have that relationship, your parents and grandparents. They have enabled her their entire lives because she was apparently the baby of the family. You need to be firm and if she shows, she’ll be thrown out.
While I don’t think someone in the corner drinking too much and making an ass of themselves “ruins” a wedding. Given what happened to her children, if they’re not comfortable around her, and you want to protect them her, that’s a good enough reason.
Tell your parents they can remarry and invite her to THEIR wedding.
Hire security if you think you need it.
Your wedding, your choice on who is invited and who is not.
You could say something like…
“Thank you for your input, but our invitation list has already been finalized, and we will not be making any changes to our list. And we have decided to hire security for the reception, so no one will be allowed in that is not on our list”
Whether you hire security or not, I would tell people you are to reduce the chance of her trying to crash your wedding.
I would try to get a current pic of your Aunt (maybe off SM) so if you do hire security they know what she looks like.
Congratulations and good luck!
I don’t see why your parents or grandparents should feel awkward. It’s not their decision, it’s yours. They haven’t contributed to the wedding and have no say in who you do or don’t invite. All they have to say to aunt is that OP and fiancé controlled the guest list. Out has absolutely nothing to do with them. NTA
NTA, but I do kind of agree with your parents that a direct explanation might be owed IF SHE ASKS.
It’s your wedding and your guest list, and frankly if the woman makes you uncomfortable, don’t invite her. There are consequences to lives of addiction, and especially if she’s still in the throes of alcoholism. I don’t know that I can really give your parents and grandparents too much flak for wanting her there, for the except opposite reason… family events are often good goals for people with issues to work towards.
But in the end, your wedding, your call, and leaving her off the guest list for your own peace of mind and the peace of mind of people you want to have there is a perfectly valid reason.
And if your aunt asks, not your parents, but if she contacts you directly, I think it’s necessary to tell her that she has burnt bridges and your wedding is not going to be an appropriate venue to rebuild.
You and your fiancé’s wedding. You control the guest list.