For context: My brother (26M) and I (31F) have been estranged for years. He has always been arrogant, self-absorbed, and unapologetic about past behavior. Growing up, our mother (62F) constantly played favorites: he was the golden child, and he thrived in that role. The last time we spoke, we had a major argument. He has never shown any remorse, and I’ve made peace with not having a relationship with him.
I (31F) am a foreign MD working in the US and getting married to my American fiancé (33M) in early 2026. My family lives in my home country, and so we are finalizing our guest list as it will be a destination wedding. My mother insists on letting my brother come along when she found out that he did not know I was already getting married. She then insisted that I invite him to the wedding (not sure if this was his or purely her idea) even asking me to provide an invitation letter to help his chances of getting a tourist visa. I respectfully told her no.
Aside from our personal history, the reality is he’s still a student with very few “ties to home,” so I doubt he would even qualify for a visa on his own. My parents, who already have valid visas and have visited me before, offered to be his guarantor, and that my “invitation letter” would help him out. Personally, I don’t want him to have access to me, and I refuse to let him benefit from me. My mom argued that he could stay at a separate hotel and that she just wanted the whole family together. I explained that I don’t feel comfortable with him being at my wedding and that I don’t want to deal with that stress on what should be a special day. I told her that by insisting on his presence, she was only reinforcing my feelings that she prioritizes his feelings over mine.
She kept pressing, saying that relatives would talk badly if my brother wasn’t invited. I finally told her that if she insisted, then she could also consider herself uninvited. That led to a blow-up where she accused me of being ungrateful (us Asians are BIG on indebtedness to family lol), even reminding me that she and my father helped pay for my exams (expensive as an international medical graduate). She said the least I could do was grant her “this one wish.” I then exasperatedly told her that I would think about it.
AITA for refusing to invite my brother? Is there a reasonable compromise here, or should I stand my ground?
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For context: My brother (26M) and I (31F) have been estranged for years. He has always been arrogant, self-absorbed, and unapologetic about past behavior. Growing up, our mother (62F) constantly played favorites: he was the golden child, and he thrived in that role. The last time we spoke, we had a major argument. He has never shown any remorse, and I’ve made peace with not having a relationship with him.
I (31F) am a foreign MD working in the US and getting married to my American fiancé (33M) in early 2026. My family lives in my home country, and so we are finalizing our guest list as it will be a destination wedding. My mother insists on letting my brother come along when she found out that he did not know I was already getting married. She then insisted that I invite him to the wedding (not sure if this was his or purely her idea) even asking me to provide an invitation letter to help his chances of getting a tourist visa. I respectfully told her no.
Aside from our personal history, the reality is he’s still a student with very few “ties to home,” so I doubt he would even qualify for a visa on his own. My parents, who already have valid visas and have visited me before, offered to be his guarantor, and that my “invitation letter” would help him out. Personally, I don’t want him to have access to me, and I refuse to let him benefit from me. My mom argued that he could stay at a separate hotel and that she just wanted the whole family together. I explained that I don’t feel comfortable with him being at my wedding and that I don’t want to deal with that stress on what should be a special day. I told her that by insisting on his presence, she was only reinforcing my feelings that she prioritizes his feelings over mine.
She kept pressing, saying that relatives would talk badly if my brother wasn’t invited. I finally told her that if she insisted, then she could also consider herself uninvited. That led to a blow-up where she accused me of being ungrateful (us Asians are BIG on indebtedness to family lol), even reminding me that she and my father helped pay for my exams (expensive as an international medical graduate). She said the least I could do was grant her “this one wish.” I then exasperatedly told her that I would think about it.
AITA for refusing to invite my brother? Is there a reasonable compromise here, or should I stand my ground?
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Uh, no. You don’t “think about it.” No is no. She doesn’t get to hold the exams over your head, that was a decision they made as adults and as your parents. Not leverage so they can boundary stomp you. This is NOT your mom’s day, who gives a fuck if she “just wants her family together.” Your wedding isn’t about her. She can take it as it is or leave it.
NTA. Don’t bend.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refused to invite my brother to my wedding
2) I refused to give in to my mother’s request and wishes. I get why she’s making the request. And this may be considered as a petty move on my end, or that i’m refusing to resolve conflict (which, btw, was not my fault). But also – his presence would make me uncomfortable
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Elope.
Make the day about you and fiancé and starting your marriage, not managing asshole relatives.
NTA
It’s not too late to get some deposits back. Use the money to travel. Meet up with relatives you like for small celebrations.
Is there a fkn gas leak in your house?
NTA and stay your ground. Of course your mother will insist on her nonsense, it’s HER golden child. But it’s not YOURS
So I’d tell my mother “your son is not invited and that’s final. This is not a family reunion, this is MY wedding. if you want the family together, make a meeting at our home country and I might attend..or not. I don’t have a relationship with your son nor I want one. I am positive the relatives already know about the situation, so they are already talking” I will make it VERY CLEAR to her that you don’t consider him your brother, but her son
NTA
Your day your decision.
Hell no. This is basically mostly her fault for treating him like the golden child. You have successfully gotten away from him. Keep him away
NTA. Don’t let her take over your day. Also, he deserves to not be invited.
There’s a lot of cultural stuff here that I’m not sure how to deal with.
I know just enough about Asian family culture to know that I dont’ know enough to comment on it.
If you were one of my friends in my culture the answer would be NTA. So I’m going with that.
NTA. Your wedding, your call.
<I then exasperatedly told her that I would think about it.>
Pushover!
You let yourself get manipulated!
And you know it…
NTA
“Mother, I’ve thought about it, and even though I am heartbroken that to you my wishes and feelings for my fiancé’s and my wedding day have no value to you, I am going to grant you your wish to have [brother] near you that day. I have made reservation at [name restaurant near your mothers house] so you can stay home with [brother] and celebrate my day just with him. Enjoy your dinner.”
NTA. Stand your ground.
NTA for not inviting estranged brother BUT I would definitely want to dope slap you hard for giving in to your mother’s manipulation. There is nothing to think about. Your wedding, your day, your call who gets to be there. A wedding is not a family reunion of some sorts . She can’t hold that exam she and your dad willingly paid back then. They did it for you should be the premise. Not to become some leverage “for your brother’s sake” over your head. Just proves he’s the golden child alright and your mom playi g favorites.
NTA. YOUR wedding, YOUR special day.
I’m Hispanic and Catholic which means family will tend to be very involved in the wedding. I wanted our wedding to be simple and fun endeavor, so we decided to marry in a Lutheran ceremony (wife is white and Lutheran) and take control of the wedding and guest as both sets of parents were getting a bit nuts with the guest list.
Our wedding ended up being simple and (according to the guests) one of the most fun they’ve attended.
It is YOUR day and it should be how YOU want it.
As someone who didn’t invite my brother or his family, didn’t tell him the date of it, and emailed a month later to tell him I’d got married, my very biased opinion is YNTA.
Similarly my brother and I are estranged. He and I have always been very different and we’ve struggled to understand each other so our relationship has always been fragile. Neither us are bad we just don’t like each other very much. Last year his behaviour and that of his family around our mother’s passing and funeral broke my heart, repeatedly, and my eventually angry response led to our estrangement. I realised that I couldn’t trust my brother or any of his family to be kind to me on my wedding day, or polite and friendly to our other wedding guests. So I realised, I didn’t want him there. Do I wish things had been different between us? Yes of course. Do I regret not inviting him? Not at all.
Sometimes even the first born and/or the golden child has to reap what they sow. And sometimes that is the stark message of not being invited to your sibling’s wedding. If your parents are not funding your wedding, the guest list is entirely in your gift. Choose people who love and respect and wholeheartedly support you. You’ll have a much happier wedding if you exclude those who cause you grief, even if they’re relatives.
NTA. Don’t give in. Keep your own mental peace. I think you may need to uninvited mother. I can not see a relationship with her now or in the future.
If you let your mom manipulate you at your wedding and at your age she will be manipulating you for rest of her life. You have to stand up to her pressure from now on to make an independent life with your future husband. I know in Asia family is very important but you’re marrying an American and living in America, for the most part family doesn’t control you after you marry.
NTA. Don’t let her bully you, because that’s what she’s doing. Your wedding, your decision.
Nah, but I get very frustrated when people talk about the golden child syndrome. It is not the siblings fault that parents favour one over the rest. That fault lies solely with the parents. Take your anger out on the ones who created the mess.
NTA and remind mom that if she doesn’t show up to the wedding either, you’re going to be the one who gets to tell the entire story of why she didn’t show up. You get to control the narrative entirely from that point. The entire wedding day and the pre and post events gatherings and parties. You will be the one getting to tell everyone the story exactly how you want it told.
Bury her and brother with the most potent culturally appropriate shame you and anyone on your side can come up with. Call the aunties that don’t like your Mom to spill the tea and recruit their help.
Nope. Your day and your day!
NTA. I’m sorry, but I didn’t read the entire post. But I read enough.
You have an AH estranged brother, who was the golden child of your AH mother who treated him that way.
You’re NTA for not inviting your brother. If I were you, I wouldn’t invite your mother either. After all, she caused this and doesn’t seem to have any regret. She probably doesn’t believe she did anything wrong.
That’s my opinion.
NTA. Stand up for yourself.