tl;dr I (30F) recently found out that a longtime childhood friend’s wife “doesn’t like me” so I chose to invite him and not her to my wedding.
full: I have a close knit group of childhood family friends (i.e. our parents are friends, siblings, etc). I live in another city but we keep in touch in a group chat daily, and when I am in town I will visit them. Jim (29M) is getting married in the next few months, his sister Jen (27F) told me that Jim’s fiancee/wife, Amanda (30F) hates me. We all went to high school together and Amanda and I were friends in high school. (Amanda’s family is not in this group of family friends.) She was always very dramatic, but we still got along fine and had good times together. We went to college very far away and naturally drifted apart (at least that’s what I thought).
I had seen her over the years since HS here and there and always made pleasant small talk. When Jen told me Amanda hated me at first I laughed at the absurdity and how serious she was delivering this news. She said that Amanda talks very badly about me to Jim, Jen, and their mom (another person I thought of as a close family friend and someone who is always overflowing with kindness towards me.) After racking my brain, reading old messages, and asking other high school friends we all couldn’t figure out what made her “hate” me so much.
Last time I was in town I left her flowers with a card asking to clear the air between us. Jim texted me to say thank you for her, even though she could’ve just done so herself. We set up a time to talk things out and she bailed at the last minute (again using Jim as the messenger.)
My plan was to invite them both as to extend yet another olive branch to her, until I found out that every one of the family friends are invited to Jim’s wedding except for me. I saw Jen and her mom recently and we even talked about Jim’s wedding and no one mentioned I wasn’t invited. I get that it’s awkward to address but it would’ve been nicer than hearing about it from everyone else.
So I decided to invite only Jim, with no plus one. My family is saying I’m being petty and should’ve invited them both as to not, “make her hate me more” but at this point I don’t think an invitation will change her mind. If I invite them both I do run the risk of her coming and being rude to me. At this point I feel guilty for not inviting her and possibly making it worse, but I also feel justified in my decision. I am truly torn about this and I am open to hearing other perspectives.
edit: I do still have the invitation with his name on it and could add hers if I changed my mind.
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tl;dr I (30F) recently found out that a longtime childhood friend’s wife “doesn’t like me” so I chose to invite him and not her to my wedding.
full: I have a close knit group of childhood family friends (i.e. our parents are friends, siblings, etc). I live in another city but we keep in touch in a group chat daily, and when I am in town I will visit them. Jim (29M) is getting married in the next few months, his sister Jen (27F) told me that Jim’s fiancee/wife, Amanda (30F) hates me. We all went to high school together and Amanda and I were friends in high school. (Amanda’s family is not in this group of family friends.) She was always very dramatic, but we still got along fine and had good times together. We went to college very far away and naturally drifted apart (at least that’s what I thought).
I had seen her over the years since HS here and there and always made pleasant small talk. When Jen told me Amanda hated me at first I laughed at the absurdity and how serious she was delivering this news. She said that Amanda talks very badly about me to Jim, Jen, and their mom (another person I thought of as a close family friend and someone who is always overflowing with kindness towards me.) After racking my brain, reading old messages, and asking other high school friends we all couldn’t figure out what made her “hate” me so much.
Last time I was in town I left her flowers with a card asking to clear the air between us. Jim texted me to say thank you for her, even though she could’ve just done so herself. We set up a time to talk things out and she bailed at the last minute (again using Jim as the messenger.)
My plan was to invite them both as to extend yet another olive branch to her, until I found out that every one of the family friends are invited to Jim’s wedding except for me. I saw Jen and her mom recently and we even talked about Jim’s wedding and no one mentioned I wasn’t invited. I get that it’s awkward to address but it would’ve been nicer than hearing about it from everyone else.
So I decided to invite only Jim, with no plus one. My family is saying I’m being petty and should’ve invited them both as to not, “make her hate me more” but at this point I don’t think an invitation will change her mind. If I invite them both I do run the risk of her coming and being rude to me. At this point I feel guilty for not inviting her and possibly making it worse, but I also feel justified in my decision. I am truly torn about this and I am open to hearing other perspectives.
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NTA, You tried to make peace many times and she didn’t offer to talk about anything to you. She used Jim as a messenger because she’s too petty to talk things out like an adult. If She can’t be bothered to show any respect to you, she shouldn’t expect to receive respect from you.
Have a good wedding OP
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I took was not inviting her to my wedding. I invited her husband but did not offer him a plus one or add her name to the invitation.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Why invite Jim if he didn’t bother to invite you?
ESH
And I do mean everyone In this situation sucks.
Jim’s not going to your wedding without his wife/fiance. So either invite both or neither.
And keep in mind, that he obviously didn’t fight for you to be on their guest list…..
NTA. It’s your wedding, do what you want.
But you know it’s definitely going to cause drama though, don’t you? Do you really need that in the run up to your wedding, which is bound to come with all sorts of actually unavoidable stresses? I’d be inclined to invite them both and tell anyone who asks that it’s not out of kindness, there is just a limit to the number of shits you could give.
I don’t understand why you’re so torn about it. Jim thanked you for his wife ( she probably didn’t lol) and makes excuses for her behavior and excluded you from their wedding. why would you think shes going to let him go to yours and why would you want to be friends with someone who obviously cares so little about you?
Don’t invite either of them. Let them both find out through the grapevine just like you did. And move on. Not all friendships last forever. And there doesn’t always have to be a good reason. You did the best you could and their message was clear. Take the high road, or open yourself up to gossip and bullshit. Do you want that drama associated with your special day?
ESH.
I don’t know why she hates you and won’t even tell you. This is kind of a big deal if it is disruptive to your social circle.
Not including her is already a “shot across the bow”, and will seem petty to some in your personal life (not here on Reddit) who don’t understand the background and history. Doing so on a huge day for you and your partner also shows that she is taking up way too much thought in your head.
More improtantly, you put your buddy in a weird spot since now it is a choice between you or her. Was that intentional? Is it fair to him regardless?
You should have dialed your friend’s number and just asked him straight if she wanted to come. And if she did, go ahead and explain if it would ruin YOUR big day and why. Instead you turned it into a passive aggressive game that is going to make it worse.
You have better things to even think about right now. This is just lame.
The one correct thing you did was not invite Jim with a plus one instead of her name… that would have been nuclear.
NTA. Whatever her issue is, that’s on her if she won’t tell you what it is and makes no effort to clear the air. She’s probably jealous of you, or thinks you have a romantic interest in Jim.
But be prepared for Jim to decline if you invite him separately. Sorry about it, but I can’t see your friendship with him lasting much longer, given that he didn’t invite you to their wedding and he likely won’t go to yours.
NTA but if you don’t invite the wifey Jim won’t come and your friendship will be over.
NTA but you’d be a damn fool to invite either of them. Girl. Please don’t invite him or her.
You want your childhood friends to celebrate with you. Jim — one of those friends — obviously doesn’t feel the same toward you. Why bother inviting him at all? As others have said, inviting JUST him is begging for drama and a shitshow. Let it go.
NTA – You can actually invite who you want however you need to understand that the most likely scenario is that Jim won’t come either.
The fact you weren’t invited to his wedding should already show you how important you are to him but not inviting them both can always come with the “only limited guests” excuse and, if other friends ask, you can say that he didn’t invite you to his so you figured it was fine. However inviting him but not her will give them both a cause to feel aggrieved and are likely to tell others that you are excluding her on purpose.
So tread carefully because even though I think its NTA there could be perception among others that you are.
NTA for not wanting to invite a person who clearly dislikes you. However, be prepared for your friendship with Jim to end soon – he hasn’t invited you to his wedding and most likely will not attend yours.
NTA
You better not change your mind!
NTA but why invite Jim? He’s not inviting you to his wedding? It sounds like Amanda is still in high school & honestly, who wants that on their wedding day?
Updateme
YTA
Married couples are invited together. Invite both or invite neither. What you are choosing is just stirring up additional drama.
The childhood friendships have shifted. It happens. Sometimes they shift back, sometimes they don’t.
Yes you are
I’m with the ESH crowd, but this post is about you. Don’t let your behavior sink to the level of rudeness just because she has a problem with you. It’s not right to send an invitation to just Jim, and it seems doubtful he’d go if you did that, so what’s the point? Invite both or neither. If neither, since Jim is actually talking to you, you might explain your reason for not being comfortable with Amanda there. But since he evidently didn’t talk to you about your lack of invitation to his wedding, an explanation isn’t really necessary.
I’d say make the decision between both or neither, and then stop spending energy on this situation! It’s YOUR wedding — enjoy it!
Have you spoken to Jim about not being invited to his wedding? Are Jim’s parents invited to your wedding?
I think inviting Jim to your wedding and excluding his wife will cause further animosity. If Jim did not insist that you should be invited to his wedding, I’d be inclined to not invite either of them to mine.
If Jim’s parents are invited to your wedding, it might be worth meeting up with them with your parents to discuss this ahead of time, get Jim to the meet up too if possible.
NTA, it’s a bit of a tricky situation.