I (26M) am part of a WhatsApp group with five close friends. Two of them are girls. Let’s call them Rose and Nina. We all hang out in different combos sometimes.
So, a few nights ago I was working a hotel shift (my hours are always chaotic) and during a slow moment I texted the group chat. I asked Rose if she would like to go photography hunting later that night around 9, if I’m already off work by then. This is something Rose and I do together pretty often. Just drive around the city at night taking photos.
Rose said sure and told me to just drop her a message when I got off. All good so far. But then Nina asked if she could come too. Here’s the part I’m conflicted about. I didn’t respond. Because honestly, I didn’t really want her to come. But if I told her no she would just stir up drama, accusing us of excluding her, etc. Let me be clear: I don’t dislike Nina. She’s my friend. But she tends to get really rigid about plans and timing. She gets anxious or upset if things don’t go exactly as expected. And this was just supposed to be a chill, last-minute outing. If I even got off work on time.
Rose replied to Nina and said “Sure, if you’d like.” Probably just to be polite. So basically the plain was still up in the air.
At around 8:30 PM, I realized work wasn’t slowing down. So I texted the group telling Rose I was sorry and something came up and looked like I wouldn’t be getting off work anytime soon. Rose responded that it was totally fine and she understood.
Nina didn’t reply.
The next morning, she went off in the group chat, saying that she had gone to the place we usually meet, waited alone, and felt completely disrespected. She accused us of not valuing her time and being passive-aggressive by “inviting” her and then not showing up.
I never invited her. I didn’t respond. I wasn’t even sure I’d be free. I messaged to say I couldn’t make it.
The thing is Nina can be really difficult at times. Like whenever any of us make plans without her, she would get upset. Or when we text one another privately, she says she feels excluded. But whenever we make plans without her on the group chat, she almost always will invite herself.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Nina has a tendency to insert herself into casual plans and then get really upset when things change. I thought I was doing the mature thing by staying silent instead of outright saying “No, I’d rather you didn’t come.”
Some mutual friends are saying I should’ve been clearer and that “not inviting” someone isn’t the same as “saying they shouldn’t come.” Others say Nina was out of line for assuming she was invited in the first place.
So, AITA for not inviting Nina, not clarifying anything, and then not showing up when she showed up anyway?
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I (26M) am part of a WhatsApp group with five close friends. Two of them are girls. Let’s call them Rose and Nina. We all hang out in different combos sometimes.
So, a few nights ago I was working a hotel shift (my hours are always chaotic) and during a slow moment I texted the group chat. I asked Rose if she would like to go photography hunting later that night around 9, if I’m already off work by then. This is something Rose and I do together pretty often. Just drive around the city at night taking photos.
Rose said sure and told me to just drop her a message when I got off. All good so far. But then Nina asked if she could come too. Here’s the part I’m conflicted about. I didn’t respond. Because honestly, I didn’t really want her to come. But if I told her no she would just stir up drama, accusing us of excluding her, etc. Let me be clear: I don’t dislike Nina. She’s my friend. But she tends to get really rigid about plans and timing. She gets anxious or upset if things don’t go exactly as expected. And this was just supposed to be a chill, last-minute outing. If I even got off work on time.
Rose replied to Nina and said “Sure, if you’d like.” Probably just to be polite. So basically the plain was still up in the air.
At around 8:30 PM, I realized work wasn’t slowing down. So I texted the group telling Rose I was sorry and something came up and looked like I wouldn’t be getting off work anytime soon. Rose responded that it was totally fine and she understood.
Nina didn’t reply.
The next morning, she went off in the group chat, saying that she had gone to the place we usually meet, waited alone, and felt completely disrespected. She accused us of not valuing her time and being passive-aggressive by “inviting” her and then not showing up.
I never invited her. I didn’t respond. I wasn’t even sure I’d be free. I messaged to say I couldn’t make it.
The thing is Nina can be really difficult at times. Like whenever any of us make plans without her, she would get upset. Or when we text one another privately, she says she feels excluded. But whenever we make plans without her on the group chat, she almost always will invite herself.
This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Nina has a tendency to insert herself into casual plans and then get really upset when things change. I thought I was doing the mature thing by staying silent instead of outright saying “No, I’d rather you didn’t come.”
Some mutual friends are saying I should’ve been clearer and that “not inviting” someone isn’t the same as “saying they shouldn’t come.” Others say Nina was out of line for assuming she was invited in the first place.
So, AITA for not inviting Nina, not clarifying anything, and then not showing up when she showed up anyway?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made a plan with one friend in the group chat, didn’t respond when another friend (Nina) invited herself, and didn’t clarify that it wasn’t meant to include her. When I later couldn’t make it, I let the situation play out without saying anything, even though I knew she might take it the wrong way.
That might make me the asshole because I didn’t communicate clearly, especially knowing how Nina tends to take things personally
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You cancelled the plans with what seems to be reasonable time and for a legit reason. Not your fault she didn’t see it. However, next time might be a good idea to make plans in a 1-1 chat if you want to exclude the third person in the chat that you consider a “friend”. Kind of a shady move as a friend to make plans with one person in the group chat and not extend and invite to the other.
Ok, if I am understanding this correctly…ESH. If it was just for you & your friend, Rose, why did you message in a group chat about it? That was asking for trouble. Then you said you couldn’t show up, so Rose didn’t show up too? And didn’t even warn everyone? Why are you guys even friends with her?
Edit: How was she not invited if Rose said “Sure, if you’d like.”…that’s an invitation.
ESH you for starting the invite in the group chat. Just because you are a group of friends you are right you don’t have to do everything together but also not all communication has to be in one chat with each person. I have a friend/coworker and we are in 5 to be 6 group chats together not counting a 1 on 1 chat. If it was always intended to be just the two of you, it shoukd have been a separate private chat. If it was an open invite to all, than the big group chat, and pair down if need be or intended. She is though for her not picking up on you cancelling and her not confirming the other friend still wanted to go. That is on her and she need to improve her communication skills.
INFO – Why do you use a group chat to invite one person to do something? If you know Nina invites herself stop posting invites in a group chat.
YTA. You could have avoided this drama by texting Rose directly. She would only know you were ‘texting one another privately’ if you tell her or talk in front of her about all the things you did without her. Just don’t do that. Why do people make their own lives so difficult?
Because you cancelled based on a legitimate work reason, NTA. Since you messaged the group that you had to bow out, Nina should have seen the messages and should have known you weren’t going. (She may have still assumed that Rose was going, but if she did, that’s not on you.)
However, if you want to invite a specific person to do something, message that person directly. Don’t ask them in a group forum. Using a group chat implies everyone in the group is invited and lets everyone know your plan. This opens the door for others to ask to join or show up. And asking one person to hang out in a group forum is an AH thing to do, because it will make others feel excluded if they’re not invited. When you announce something in a group forum, you’ve got no right to get annoyed if a member from the group wants to join.
NTA on the cancellation but it’s bordering on rude and definitely inefficient to make a plan with one other person in a group chat.. you could just text Rose and there would be 0 drama!
ESH – don’t text the group unless you are inviting everyone in the group? feel like that’s kinda common sense
that being said – Nina sounds kinda insufferable and you canceled in the group chat for a valid reason you said might be an issue early on. she’s overreacting and you should call her on it honestly
ESH Why would you use a group chat to arrange a one on one? Why not just text Rose, if you didn’t want others to come? Especially when you know Nina likes to come too it’s childish to invite Rose in group chat. You’re at fault for that. Nina shouldn’t have gotten angry since the meeting was cancelled in the group chat too.
YTA for not being honest with Nina. You call her a friend, but you would rather avoid hanging out with her than address your concerns with her.
That’s quite a shitty move by a so called ‘friend’.
ESH for the other issue, though. That was just poor communication on everyone’s part.
NTA
But stop messaging the group chat if you only want to hang out with one person, if she gets upset that’s her problem
YTA for using the group chat to make plans with individual members. If you wanted to hang out with Rose, why not… just message Rose? You created this problem. Personally I would be irritated if I was one of your other non-Rose friends being included on a chat that had nothing to do with me. I’ve got to hear your plans and then hear when your plans fall through or change? No thanks.
ESH
You cancelled your part, that’s fine, but Rose had agreed to Nina going, Nina logically presumed that Rose would still be going as she hadn’t said anything different. Rose sucks.
Nina blaming you as well is an arsehole move, her gripe should be with Rose. Nina sucks.
You messaged a group chat about meeting up with Rose. If it’s in a group chat then expect other group members to think you’re open to them requesting to join. If you want to keep it a 1 on 1 meet up then just message them, no need to advertise it to everyone else. You suck.
Esh for how everyone seems to communicate here. You shouldn’t make plans with 1 person in the group chat. It will undoubtedly make people feel excluded.
You also say you like Nina and that she is your friend, but you don’t actually manage to say anything you like a out her. Instead you tell us all the things you don’t like.
Nina shouldn’t have gone without knowing of you could make it. Your invitation seems rather clear that you hoped to be off at a certain time, but nothing was set in stone. She set herself up for feeling alone and excluded, after inviting herself.
You should all have a proper conversation where communication styles and expectations should be discussed. It’s Nina’s job to manage her own fear of exclusion. You should learn to communicate your wants and needs more clearly. Both of you seem to communicate half of what you actually mean and act surprised that nothing happens as you expected.
YTA. Invitation in the group chat means everyone in the group chat is invited. Poor Nina. On a separate note, planning changes to the plans made/mentioned in the group chat outside of the group chat is also not cool. Shame on you and Rose, the queen A
YTA.
Rose is also an a-hole.
Besides, what was the plan of Nina would have been the last to arrive? Were y’all planning on waiting for her, or would she just found an empty spot, because you ‘didn’t know she actually wanted to come, despite her asking if she could’ so you left as soon as the other arrived.
Nina isn’t great for involving herself without the invite being addressed to her (assuming you specified the group message was for Rose). However, if she is this rigid about anything agreed upon for a meet up being so set in stone, that sounds like something someone who isn’t very good at social cues would be like. She deserves better friend though.
Besides: Nina being rigid applies to all meet ups. If she’s your friend, and you want to avoid that, how do you navigate that? What made this one night so special that she couldn’t come?
ESH.
Don’t use the group chat if you’re not talking to the whole group. That’s incredibly rude. If you’d just messaged Rose directly none of this would have happened
ESH –
Nina has no right to be mad that you didn’t show up, since you did cancel.
But the bigger issue here is that the rest of you are a bunch of mean girls who obviously don’t like Nina, but haven’t bothered to tell her.
YTA–never tell somebody about something that they *could* reasonably participate in, but they aren’t invited
YTA this is the big issue with group chats.
If you wanted only one person to go on this outing then you message them directly. You don’t message for the whole group to see.
YTA. You shouldn’t have dropped it in a group chat. After that, you’re just asking for trouble. You should have messaged your one friend directly, especially if you say Nina has a tendency to act this way. This entire situation was avoidable. Don’t invite a singular person to an outing in a group chat and get upset that any other person wants to join. 🙄
NTA, except next time just send a direct message to the people you want to hang out with instead of sending out to the group. With respect to this situation text back in the group “Nina, the original message to Rose was to tentatively hang out- but that I wouldn’t be able to confirm until later that evening. I sent out a cancellation message in the group chat prior to us meeting up. Don’t get upset with us for not reading the text messages.”
YTA don’t use a group chat if the entire group isn’t invited, just message your friend you want to have plans with. Of course Nina will think it’s open invite if she’s in the group and received a text about it. For clarification, did you say in the group text that you’d have to cancel or was it a separate text to Rose? If it was a separate text and Nina didn’t know about the cancellation then you would be double the asshole.
Don’t use the group chat if you don’t want everyone in it to go other wise you’re purposefully showing her the plans to exclude her from Ave rubbing her nose in it YTA for making it a group thing but excluding the group
You goofed up by texting the group chat– the group chat is for everyone. It’s rude to talk to the whole group about something for only 2 of you. Communicate directly with the person you wanna hang with.
Not responding is not mature, it’s vague and causes future problems.
If you don’t like Nina stop stringing her along.
YTA.
STOP GROUP CHAT – see how simple that is ? – some ppl are very laid back when it comes to punctuality (myself) some people are ANAL about it – thats just how life is… the strange part is inviting herself to a ‘maybe’ and getting pissed when she just went there – no communication? like hey guys – im on my way!?? or where are you? Its her fault really, but it does sound like she just needs a friend to hang out with 🥹
ESH – Nina is really annoying and needs to let you guys be friends and have meet ups whether she’s there or not.
But if you didn’t want her to go, you do need to just say that. Everyone coddling her because she behaves badly when told know will just keep happening otherwise
ok look it’s healthy for people to learn to be okay with their friends sometimes hanging out without them, but why in the nine hells are you issuing a PRIVATE INVITATION in the GROUP CHAT??? that is RUDE AS HECK
YTA
ESH
Why would you use a group chat to invite a single person while excluding the other person who is also clearly in the group chat? That is so petty and immature. If you wanted to do something with just Rose, you could have texted just her. That’s like cooking a big meal and just fixing a plate for yourself and Rose while Nina sits there watching y’all eating. Rude??
Nina sucks for not paying attention. I always check in with folks before going somewhere in case plans were changed at the last minute. It cost her zero dollars to do the same. It’s her own fault she ended up wasting her own time.
Yall all suck at being friends.
YTA. if you put it in a groupchat where she can see, it is implied that she can invite herself, as so can any other member in the gc. i think it wouldve been better to at least respond with “i dont know if i’ll actually get off work on time” than to just ignore her. ignoring is not clear communication.
in summary, improve your communication and hopefully these issues with nina can be resolved or at least improved.
YTA you brought this drama on yourself
Dude you coulda just shot Rose a text privately instead of in a group chat
you bozo cmonnnn if you already know how Nina is
ESH you don’t put a plan in the group chat unless everyone is invited. When she gets upset that you’ve made plans in private she’s not upset that she doesn’t know what you’re up to, she’s upset that she’s not invited.
It’s totally on Nina that she was alone in this case as the plan wasn’t solid and she didn’t keep checking the chat. She also shouldn’t be getting mad if you guys do stuff without her but I will also point out: you say you all hang out in different combos. Does anyone ever include nina in smaller stuff? Because I would also feel hurt if I was the only one that only gets invited if it’s all 5 of you.
YTA if you want to have plans with rose then message just her. Why do you have to message the group about making plans with one person in the group? Of course nina invites herself, she’s in the group chat. So it would be implied you are asking everyone in the group. Not sure how you can not understand this.
INFO I don’t understand why you didn’t just message Rose privately.
YTA for using a group chat to invite just one person.
YTA. If you’re only inviting one person you need to do it privately, not in a group chat.
YTA
When you text in a group chat, the message is meant for the group.
If you’re not inviting the group, send an individual message.
You’re too old not to understand this.
YTA. It is not mature to stay silent when something needs to be said. If you are doing this then sooner or later something like this was bound to happen. Knock it off. You’re just being passive aggressive avoidant. Adults use their words.
NTA next time just text your friend privately and save yourself the stress. So what if she feels left out, your adult individuals do act like it.
ESH
You: Should not have tried to make 1:1 plans in a group chat. That’s asking for trouble, especially if there is someone in the group chat you specifically don’t want there. Making plans in the group chat implies you’re giving the others the opportunity to join.
Rose: For not making it clear that you backing out meant she wouldn’t be going, either.
Nina: For being weird and petty for not always being included. In this particular instance, she is N T A, because she asked in the group chat where the invitation was made, was told yes, and then was kinda bailed on.
ESH. You, for inviting only one person in a group text. Rose for not following up with Nina to see if she still wanted to go, or making it clear that she was no longer going, and Nina for not asking Rose if they were still going, and just assuming instead. All of you need better communication skills.
Seriously?! Are you 12? Who uses a group chat to invite one person to hangout?! Either you’re missing basic common sense or are you are purposely trying to make Nina feel bad. YTA
ESH dont invite one person in a group chat. Why would you not just message them directly.
Any invitation in a group chat is an invitation to anyone in the group chat.
YTA for using the group chat to make plans with one person. You dont discuss plans in front of people who are not invited.
YTA, how do you not understand that you came off as a completely cliquey mean girl, it’s mind boggling that you would text in a group chat where you didn’t want someone else in it to come, why didn’t you text just the person you wanted to hang out with? Clearly you were trying to purposefully make her feel left out, why else would you do this? And your other friend who didn’t show was also a total mean girl
YTA for scheduling meets in a group chat and then getting surprised when other people invite themselves
ESH. If you’re only inviting one person, and ESPECIALLY if there are other people in the chat you really don’t want to come, you should message privately. That said, you clearly ALSO messaged the group chat that it wasn’t going to work out after all, which should have been sufficient for Nina.
ESH, because this all could have been avoided by having the conversation privately with Rose OR by either Nina or Rose clarifying the plans in the group chat once you canceled.
ESH. You should have messaged Rose privately. Nina did ask if she could come and Rose said yes. If you know Nina invites herself, that’s on you for making a public invitation and then not speaking up. It’s pretty passive aggressive to not tell people what you want.
Nina’s at fault for not paying attention to the message when you said you couldn’t make it. I f she’s mad at anyone, it should be Rose as she never said she wasn’t going to come since you had to cancel.
You had an easy out telling her the time wasn’t firm and depended on what happened at work. You didn’t use that as a reason to tell her not to come either. You all need to do better.
ESH. Why did you ask in the group chat instead of just messaging Rose if others weren’t invited? Then she went even though you communicated it was off so she had no reason to be pissed
Why are you using a group chat if you only want to invite one person?
YTA and I hope your friend realizes you’re not a true friend. Anything posted in a group chat is for everyone to join in on. I also would never purposely exclude any of my friends if I was inviting one.
YTA because WHY would you use a group chat to invite ONE person to do something? Text the one person. That’s just mean otherwise. And don’t say it’s the first text group that popped up bc I have a coworker that does that and it is some lazy ass bullshit. Do not bother everyone else with what you are doing unless it is everyone else’s business. Obviously she thought she was invited bc otherwise why would you mention it to her?!
If you wanna do something with Rose why don’t you text Rose?
YTA, you posted in a group chat, that’s a group invite, if you only wanted one person text ONLY them. Your just making drama.
YTA for group texting an invite to a single person and then being upset when someone else you group tested showed interest. WTF?