I (28F) am planning a weekend trip to the mountains with a few close friends all girls, all from college. It’s sort of a tradition we started in our mid twenties a oncea year getaway to catch up chill, and escape life for a bit. This year I booked an Airbnb for six of us.
One of my friends C(27F), has been dating her boyfriend for about seven months. The rest of us have met him a couple of times and he is fine. Not awful but kind of loud and is always trying to dominate the conversation plus makes these “joking” sexist comments, and interrupts people a lot. Nothing so extreme that we can call him out publicly but enough to make things uncomfortable.
When I sent out the trip invite I made it clear it was a girls only thing like we always do. Everyone was fine with it except ‘C’ who asked if her boyfriend could come just for one night since he would be in the area. I told her no politely and reminded her it is a tradition we have all had since college. I also said that I personally wasn’t comfortable having him there because I didn’t feel like dealing with his energy that weekend. She got weirdly quiet and said she understood. I might have worded it weirly but I was being honest.
Now a mutual friend told me that C is mad at me and thinks I was punishing her for being in a relationship and excluding her happiness. I don’t want to make her feel like she has to choose between her boyfriend and her friends but I also don’t want to give up one weekend of peace for a guy I barely like.
AITA for not inviting him?
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I (28F) am planning a weekend trip to the mountains with a few close friends all girls, all from college. It’s sort of a tradition we started in our mid twenties a oncea year getaway to catch up chill, and escape life for a bit. This year I booked an Airbnb for six of us.
One of my friends C(27F), has been dating her boyfriend for about seven months. The rest of us have met him a couple of times and he is fine. Not awful but kind of loud and is always trying to dominate the conversation plus makes these “joking” sexist comments, and interrupts people a lot. Nothing so extreme that we can call him out publicly but enough to make things uncomfortable.
When I sent out the trip invite I made it clear it was a girls only thing like we always do. Everyone was fine with it except ‘C’ who asked if her boyfriend could come just for one night since he would be in the area. I told her no politely and reminded her it is a tradition we have all had since college. I also said that I personally wasn’t comfortable having him there because I didn’t feel like dealing with his energy that weekend. She got weirdly quiet and said she understood. I might have worded it weirly but I was being honest.
Now a mutual friend told me that C is mad at me and thinks I was punishing her for being in a relationship and excluding her happiness. I don’t want to make her feel like she has to choose between her boyfriend and her friends but I also don’t want to give up one weekend of peace for a guy I barely like.
AITA for not inviting him?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole here because i told my friend she couldn’t bring her boyfriend on a girls only trip that I planned and organized.
She seemed hurt and said that I was excluding her and making her choose between her relationship and her friends. I worry that I was too controlling or that I made her feel unwelcome, even though I didn’t mean to. Maybe I should’ve made an exception or handled it more gently. Also the other girls did not complain about including her boyfriend it was me who strictly said No
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s a girls-only trip, so I don’t get the drama
Hi! Married almost 20 years… I used to go on girls trips with my girls (kids and work schedules changed things for us), husbands and boyfriends were NEVER included in these weekend trips. If we would go on a weekend trip now, our spouses/kids wouldn’t be invited.
It’s time to cut her off from the list. If she cannot understand that this is a girls only trip, she is not worth it. It could also be the bf manipulating her, so even if she doesn’t invite him, mark my words, he will show up.
NTA for not inviting him, you should’ve simply stuck to your guns about it being only girl time without any SO. And if pressed said you didn’t want to set up a precedent because it’s really important for you to try your best and keep this tradition of this small time frame that is just for you guys for as long as possible.
You messed up when you said you didn’t want his energy there. It’s valid and true, but it took focus away from the real point, and probably hurt your friend. Even if he is an AH, it’s her AH and it hurts when your friends don’t include or like him.
In your shoes I would apologize for that part, and if you want to, have a sit down with her explaining which comments or jokes make you uncomfortable in case it’s something he can avoid when hanging out with you all in the future.
NTA at all. You’re good. Whether or not you like him isn’t even all that important in this scenario. It’s a pre-established girls’ trip with a select group of friends who have known each other for nearly a decade. He doesn’t fit the criteria.
On his end, any halfway decent boyfriend would be pleased, at the very least, to have his girlfriend get away for a weekend trip with her friends from college. He’d also understand why his energy wouldn’t be right for that trip. And she should understand that, too.
NTA – but you could have done things a little differently here.
There are two separate issues here – one is that this is a girls trip. I don’t care how wonderful someone’s boyfriend is, the answers would still be no.
Second issue is you personally don’t like the boyfriend. That is something you shouldn’t have brought up, because now your friend is stuck on that as the reason he coudln’t come….and it’s not.
If you have issues with boyfriend, you can talk to her separately about it, if you want to at all. But for this case…the reason he can’t come is it’s girls only. Period.
NTA. No boys on a girls’ trip. That seems like common sense.
None of this comes off as you “punishing” her for being in a relationship, and you’re sure as hell not excluding her since she’s coming on the trip. That conclusion took some serious mental gymnastics. Is this friend incapable of spending a single weekend without her boyfriend? The guy sounds exhausting. You’re not making her choose, she’s the one framing it that way.
NTA. This is a tradition for you guys, and it’s always been a girls trip. C knew going in that her bf was unlikely to be invited on your traditional girls trip. I think the worst thing you did was add in the fact that you didn’t want him there or to deal with his energy. You should have left it at ‘this is a girls only trip, like usual’. But I do think you girls need to all talk to C about the fact none of you are actually comfortable around her bf.
No guys on a girls weekend. It wrecks the vibe. NTA. Your friends are being TA for talking behind your back about this while you’re doing all the work of planning the trip. If friend 1 is feeling some kind of way, she can tell you herself. “Excluding her happiness” is a weird attempt at a guilt trip and is not a thing. You aren’t excluding her. She can decide to either come on the trip with the girls, or hang out with bf while he’s “in the area”. Her choice. Hold your ground, unless you want the nature of this thing to change forever. It’s rare for girls weekends to persist as we get older, families are formed and lives get more complicated. The reality is when we get into a relationship, we do have to choose between them or friends sometimes. Its tough, but it’s not your fault for holding the line on this precious and fragile thing that is the girls weekend.
NTA. You are reaching a point in your lives that this is going to be less and less sustainable. Your annual getaway may not look the same going forward. More and more people enter long term relationships, start having kids, and having greater responsibilities and it gets more difficult with competing priorities.
Then, you will hit mid forties/fifties and you all will be able to prioritizing these relationships and types of trips again. Just don’t make to much of the different personalities you and your friends will bring into the group. Some will be great, some will be okay and some will be idiots, and everyone will grow up… all that to say, just don’t say anything you can’t take back or apologize when you cross the line.
You were fine to do and say what you said, but be cautious not to cross over the line and try to be gracious. You will want that if you ever have the annoying boyfriend that some people don’t appreciate like you do.
ESH. You’re NTA for not wanting him on the trip, and she is being a right pain about this, but it was completely unnecessary to tell her you don’t like him. It was a girls only trip, you had a legitimate reason for refusing him joining without adding your dislike into the mix. How did you think that was going to play out? This is kind of a mess of your own making.
ESH, slightly, for how you brought it up.
Its fine to have a girls only trip. Thats all you would have had to say to her. Instead, you kind of insulted her partner to her face. In my experience, this is a surefire way to start trouble and potentially lose a friend. If you value your relationship with her, you should probably apologise.
That being said, if you are organizing/paying for the trip you have the right to decide who comes. Being selective with invites is your perogative.
Reading the tdlr… did your friend try to get other girls to be okay with bringing her boyfriend and came back to you to try to force his way in? If so, I see why you felt you had to explain why you didn’t want to deal with him. And definitely NTA
NTA. If she can’t go a weekend without him, something is probably wrong with this relationship. Neither one should be that possessive/obsessive about time away from each other. That is not healthy. Tell her if she can’t go, you understand, but this is girls only.
YTA- not for not inviting him, but for how you said it. It would’ve been perfectly acceptable to say it is a girls only trip. I don’t know why you made it personal and said something negative about him when that wasn’t necessary. I’d be willing to bet that if you had said “oh, no he can’t because it’s a girls only trip” there wouldn’t be a big thing. Why would you say “i don’t like his energy”?
Obviously NTA, a girl’s trip is a girl’s trip, end of story. If she can’t be away from him for an overnight, she can politely decline the invite. If she wants to plan a couple’s trip, what’s stopping her from doing that? I can’t stand people who never lift a finger to organize anything, but just complain endlessly about the events and trips that other people worked so hard to set up.
ETA: do you think she’s really the one upset about him not being invited, or do you think he’s controlling and not wanting her to be out of his sight? If the latter, I’d tread lightly here. He might be doing all he can to separate her from friends and family already, so don’t be quick to sever ties, she may need your support and encouragement to leave him later on. It seems to be a trend that abusive men freak out about girlfriends and wives going out without them, even if it’s something really tame like a cabin with all women.
YTA for wording it like you did.
Totally NTA for wanting a girls only wknd. Should have just left it at that. Now you have a social mess.
NTA – Why is there always that 1 girl or guy in the friend group that ruins a good time because of their current relationship status?
Asking to bring your boyfriend on an all girls trip and being told no isn’t being punished for having a boyfriend, being mad about being told no and even asking in the first place and expecting a ‘yes’ is ‘entitled’ behavior though, as well as her saying that you are ‘excluding her happiness’. She’s as shitty person for even coming up with that bullshit and she should choose a different hill to die on. He wasn’t invited so she needs to make other plans. Tell her to get a place with her boyfriend and you’ll see her before and after his visit since he’ll be in the area.
Stick with your tradition of and all girl’s weekend. She’ll get over it and she’ll learn that boyfriend’s come and go, but your friendship will stay longer.
“She got weirdly quiet and said she understood.” I might be reading too much into this, but this sounds like she may know that her boyfriend does these things, but is avoiding saying anything about it. Still, I think it would’ve been better to stick to the “girls’ trip” story. This is a separate conversation for another time. NTA.
NTA- C sounds immature. Not being able to bear a moment away from your boyfriend is high school behavior, not that of a 27-year-old woman. Everyone can understand the concept of “girls only”. It would have been best to have kept that as your only explanation, considering that it’s plenty reason and your other comment could be deemed a bit hurtful.
I would reach out and apologize for any harsh phrasing. Say that you’re happy her relationship is going so well and that her boyfriend wants to be an active part of her life. However, you don’t want to change the dynamic and keep things as they are in a solid, established, close group. If she still seems upset and you wish to address your last reasoing in a polite way- you could say you appreciate his confidence and defined personality, but he is noticeably the loudest one there, especially in a group of all ladies, and his humor seems to differ from the group.
Still- end the conversation by emphasizing that it’s not about specifically excluding him, but keeping things an all-girls group it always has been.
Good luck, this intrapersonal friendship drama can be quite tiring. I see no reason that this shouldn’t be able to smooth over, and I think everything will end up fine.
Who cares if C is upset? She can decline the trip. You planned the trip, she doesn’t need to bring any dude but especially once that disrespects women to an all female trip. I think she’s the asshole for not reading the room.
NTA if the tradition is girls only then it’s girls only
NTA… however… I agree with most others here you should have left it as a GIRLS ONLY trip. If her boyfriend isn’t ok with her going without him then that is on their relationship. You could’ve/should’ve left your feelings about being uncomfortable with him for a discussion later on.
ESH. You could have just left it as “it’s a girl’s weekend,” and that would have been enough. And really, it was kind of rude for her to even ask.
But, you took this opportunity to tell your friend you don’t like being around her bf, when it was unnecessary to bring up at this time. How did you expect her to react? Any crap you are getting is your own fault.
Is he actually in the area or he wants to keep an eye on her? I find most reasonable men trust their partner and don’t want to interfere on a girls weekend. What man wants to take part in gossip and mimosas? She may be in an abusive or controlling relationship.
NTA. But your feelings or opinion have nothing to do with this. You should set side time for your friends. Even partners of my friends that I love I don’t always want them around if I’m having friend time. It’s just a different dynamic.
NTA.
Girls trip is just that. A girls’ trip.