I (28F) am getting married soon, and while making my guest list I ran into a dilemma about my former best friend, let’s call him Patrick (30M).
Patrick and I were close friends for about 5 years, but we fell out badly a couple of years ago. To keep it short: Patrick cheated on his then-fiancée (now wife). I was one of the only people he told, and when I said he should come clean to her and take responsibility, he blew up at me. He turned it back on me, verbally abused me, and after that fight, I cut off contact.
We live in different cities and haven’t spoken since. But we still share a wider friend group. Everyone’s kind of scattered now, but I invited all of them to my wedding, except Patrick. Recently, some of those friends were texting about my wedding, excited that it’ll be like a reunion, and they realized Patrick wasn’t on the list.
One of them (who actually worked with Patrick and knows about the cheating firsthand) asked me why. He told me Patrick is still cheating with the same woman from before and now it’s worse. Patrick recently got her promoted at work, they’re on the same team, and they even go on business trips together. His wife still has no clue. This friend suggested I should just invite Patrick anyway so it doesn’t look like I’m bitter, since his cheating is “his personal problem” and he probably wouldn’t come.
Here’s my issue: I don’t want Patrick at my wedding because I don’t want cheaters in my life, especially ones who are still actively lying to their spouses. I don’t see the point of reaching out as a formality when I don’t even want him as a friend anymore. At the same time, I’m worried it’ll look weird to our mutual friends that I invited everyone except him.
So, AITA?
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I (28F) am getting married soon, and while making my guest list I ran into a dilemma about my former best friend, let’s call him Patrick (30M).
Patrick and I were close friends for about 5 years, but we fell out badly a couple of years ago. To keep it short: Patrick cheated on his then-fiancée (now wife). I was one of the only people he told, and when I said he should come clean to her and take responsibility, he blew up at me. He turned it back on me, verbally abused me, and after that fight, I cut off contact.
We live in different cities and haven’t spoken since. But we still share a wider friend group. Everyone’s kind of scattered now, but I invited all of them to my wedding, except Patrick. Recently, some of those friends were texting about my wedding, excited that it’ll be like a reunion, and they realized Patrick wasn’t on the list.
One of them (who actually worked with Patrick and knows about the cheating firsthand) asked me why. He told me Patrick is still cheating with the same woman from before and now it’s worse. Patrick recently got her promoted at work, they’re on the same team, and they even go on business trips together. His wife still has no clue. This friend suggested I should just invite Patrick anyway so it doesn’t look like I’m bitter, since his cheating is “his personal problem” and he probably wouldn’t come.
Here’s my issue: I don’t want Patrick at my wedding because I don’t want cheaters in my life, especially ones who are still actively lying to their spouses. I don’t see the point of reaching out as a formality when I don’t even want him as a friend anymore. At the same time, I’m worried it’ll look weird to our mutual friends that I invited everyone except him.
So, AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I invited everyone from the friend group except one guy for my wedding
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. If you don’t want him at your wedding that’s enough. What someone else thinks about how it may or may not look is irrelevant.
NTA
Its YOUR wedding, and as such you have NO obligation to invite anyone you dont want to have there. Even if you had no reason for not wanting him there, you wouldnt be obligated just because he is ‘part of a wider circle of friends’. You could choose not to invite him because you cant afford another person or because he lives too far away. It doesnt matter. What matters is that this is YOUR day and no one else should have a say (other than your spouse to be) on who gets to help you celebrate
NTA…Invite and don’t invite whoever you want to your own wedding. You don’t have to explain your choices. Anyone who has an issue with that is free to decline their invitation. Best wishes on your upcoming nuptials.
NTA. If mutual friends ask, simply say “Patrick and I are no longer close, and we’re choosing to invite the people we’re closest to.” That’s it.
NTA. If it looks like you’re bitter, it’s because you are. If your friend wants Patrick at his wedding, then he can invite him to his. He shouldn’t be inviting anyone to yours.
Nta
Not only is he a cheater, he verbally abused you! Not inviting him isn’t bitter, it’s a boundary; a good one.
It’s also your wedding, you get to invite (or not) whomever you like.
NTA … YOUR wedding, YOUR guest list.
If some of the friend group chooses to take sides…that is on them.
NTA.
“I didn’t invite him because I don’t consider him a close friend.” No further explanation needed. If they push and you feel like you have to give more details: “I don’t agree with some of his life choices and I don’t want him to think that I am supportive of them.”
NTA – sounds like Patrick is out of your life and should stay that way. Definitely don’t invite him to your wedding. It doesn’t look weird at all – you had a falling out, you did not resolve your differences. There is no good reason to have this person at your wedding.
NTA. I wouldn’t want him near your soon to be wife. He can not be trusted
ESH. Patrick for cheating, you and the others for knowing that he is a cheater and not telling his wife. If the institution of marriage matters that much that you won’t have a cheater at your wedding, you should save that poor woman from the indignity of being in the dark while other people her husband cheats on her.
The cheater should remain uninvited, the cheater supporters should see their invitations revoked if the cheater matters that much to them, and the cheater’s victim should get an apology.
Do not get worried about looking weird to your mutual friends. Get worried about what your own conscience and morality.
NTA. Its YOUR wedding. You shouldn’t have to feel obligated to invite someone you don’t feel comfortable present in the room with you. Dont allow him to ruin YOUR day.
NTA – I wouldn’t want to start my marriage knowing someone like that was attending my wedding. I don’t think you need to explain yourself to you friends beyond “we had a falling out and unfortunately that means he won’t be attending”. You shouldn’t have to justify why, it’s your wedding and you can invite whoever you choose!
It will look like you invited everyone but him, but at the end of the day who cares what they think? If they are curious, they should ask Patrick to explain it. To write off the affair as “Patrick’s personal problem” is high level delusion for that other friend – do you really want them at your wedding as well?
I’d say his cheating isn’t really any of your business any more if you aren’t friends. The reason he’s not invited is he was verbally abusive and the friendship ended. You don’t invite people you dislike to your wedding. If your friend group wants to get together with him they can, just not at an event you host.
NTA.
Tell them them the reason you just told us.
NTA but why would he want to come anyway? He made it clear your friendship isn’t important to him or he would have treated you better. And the point of the event is celebrating you and your fiancé, it’s not a group hang at bar
NTA for not inviting him. Not only would I not invite him, but I’d tell his wife the situation and apologize for not telling her before they got married (for which I think you are TA)
NTA, Patrick’s still cheating and promoting his affair partner
If what you say is true, he already isn’t a friend anymore. No harm no foul, and move on. If anyone asks, just say you had a personal falling out and you decided to move on with your life. It’s none of their business beyond that, because IT’S YOUR WEDDING. NTA OP. I will say though, IMO only shit people hide cheating for others. YTA for that.
NTA. The cheating is really irrelevant. The fact of the matter is that despite having mutual friends, you and Patrick are no longer on speaking terms. Why would you invite someone who you aren’t speaking with? Why would anyone want to be invited to a wedding of a bride that they aren’t speaking with? I am assuming that the true answer on both ends would be that they wouldn’t. I think that you can drop any guilt and anyone who questions your decision, I would mater-of-factly reply, “Actually, Patrick and I are currently not on speaking terms.” Then to prevent further discussion, I would change the subject. I wouldn’t dip into the drama any more than that. If Patrick or mutual friends want to be upset, that’s really on them.
NTA.
NTA. Blowing up at you and verbally abusing you so that you cut off contact and are no longer friends is the main point, IMO. That is about you and him. Him being a cheater and shitty person at home and at work, while support for continuing to not have him in your life, isn’t really your business.