AITA for not inviting my older sisters (and their kids) to family outings?
Bear with me; this is my first Reddit post. I (19F) come from a big family (8 siblings). Five of them are married, and two of my older sisters, Becky and Rue, each have four kids under the age of nine (so 8 kids total). Right now, most of us (including my brothers, their wives, and the youngest siblings) are all staying at my parents’ house for the summer. So a lot of our plans just happen in the moment, based on who’s around and what we feel like doing.
The drama started last week when we decided to go to Six Flags. I sent a message in the family group chat saying we were planning to go Monday and that anyone who wanted to come could join. One of my sisters (she’s married but doesn’t have kids) joked “no kids allowed,” and Becky and Rue got really upset, accusing us of excluding them. But I had already told them directly (in person) that they could bring their kids. I didn’t understand why they were so upset.
A few days later, we decided last-minute to go see the new Superman movie. I had mentioned it to Becky and Rue earlier in the day, but since they didn’t ask for details or follow up, I bought tickets for myself and the younger siblings. Later, Becky got mad that I didn’t specifically text or call her to tell her we were buying tickets. I tried to explain that I thought I had communicated it, but she said it didn’t count if it wasn’t more direct.
Then my 13-year-old brother made a quick joke, when Becky and Rue were talking about possibly coming saying “aww, don’t bring the kids,” and they both got really angry, yelling at him and me.
The most recent thing happened yesterday. My sisters-in-law and I went to the mall, and afterward around 7:40, we called Becky and Rue to see if they wanted to grab food. Becky had mentioned earlier that she wanted to go out to eat at 7:00, but I had told her at the time that I wasn’t sure if I could make that. She ended up getting upset that we called “too late,” hung up on me, and was mad again later that we didn’t invite her to the sushi place we went to.
From my point of view, it feels like most of the miscommunication is because Becky and Rue aren’t in the house with us, so they’re not really part of the spontaneous conversations or decisions that happen in person. I’m not trying to exclude them, but it’s hard to pause and give a full update every time we do something small. Now I’m starting to wonder—am I actually being inconsiderate?
AITA?
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AITA for not inviting my older sisters (and their kids) to family outings?
Bear with me; this is my first Reddit post. I (19F) come from a big family (8 siblings). Five of them are married, and two of my older sisters, B and R, each have four kids under the age of nine (so 8 kids total). Right now, most of us (including my brothers, their wives, and the youngest siblings) are all staying at my parents’ house for the summer. So a lot of our plans just happen in the moment, based on who’s around and what we feel like doing.
The drama started last week when we decided to go to Six Flags. I sent a message in the family group chat saying we were planning to go Monday and that anyone who wanted to come could join. One of my sisters (she’s married but doesn’t have kids) joked “no kids allowed,” and B and R got really upset, accusing us of excluding them. But I had already told them directly (in person) that they could bring their kids. I didn’t understand why they were so upset.
A few days later, we decided last-minute to go see the new Superman movie. I had mentioned it to B and R earlier in the day, but since they didn’t ask for details or follow up, I bought tickets for myself and the younger siblings. Later, B got mad that I didn’t specifically text or call her to tell her we were buying tickets. I tried to explain that I thought I had communicated it, but she said it didn’t count if it wasn’t more direct.
Then my 13-year-old brother made a quick joke, when B and R were talking about possibly coming saying “aww, don’t bring the kids,” and they both got really angry, yelling at him and me.
The most recent thing happened yesterday. My sisters-in-law and I went to the mall, and afterward around 7:40, we called B and R to see if they wanted to grab food. B had mentioned earlier that she wanted to go out to eat at 7:00, but I had told her at the time that I wasn’t sure if I could make that. She ended up getting upset that we called “too late,” hung up on me, and was mad again later that we didn’t invite her to the sushi place we went to.
From my point of view, it feels like most of the miscommunication is because B and R aren’t in the house with us, so they’re not really part of the spontaneous conversations or decisions that happen in person. I’m not trying to exclude them, but it’s hard to pause and give a full update every time we do something small. Now I’m starting to wonder—am I actually being inconsiderate?
AITA?
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No, you’re not the a-hole. It is your life. With that you get to choose who you spend your time with. Regardless of how your sister acts there is nothing wrong with you wanting to keep her away from family outings.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I didn’t directly invite my older sisters to every outing or clearly communicate the details, even though I knew they weren’t in the house with us when plans were made. They felt excluded, and maybe I should have made more of an effort to reach out since they aren’t part of the in-person conversations.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA
It’s not always possible for parents–especially with 4 kids–to do things at a moment’s notice. But they still feel left out. Been there!
You seem to really try to include everyone, and that’s wonderful! Here’s what I would say to the sisters with kids:
I will let you know plans in advance whenever possible, but some things will just come up at the last minute. Do you want us to let you know about last-minute stuff?
That’s really all you can do, IMHO. Having kids means they come first, and your sisters cannot do everything. Just a fact. But I applaud your kindness in trying to make everyone happy!
ESH Everyone’s communication skills are poor AND the “no kids ‘jokes’” aren’t actually jokes. They are passive aggressive awfulness and probably the reason she is getting sick of it all. If you want to things for adults, then make adult plans. Also, make plans that include your nieces and nephews. But no more passive aggressive “I was just joking” crap. It’s childish and ridiculous.
It might be too that you are all being a bit thoughtless about how much time it takes to prep for ‘no kids’ outings and need to start being more thoughtful OR at least ask your sister to give you a time limit for the plans.
Why are the sisters either kids not making their own plans? It seems that they are waiting for other people to make plans and then get pissed about how it’s done. There’s a simple solution. NTA
NTA I have kids, and that’s how it goes. People need to quit with the “but I HaVe KiDs!” Crap. Nobody including family Need to bow down for the parents or their kids.
NTA
WTF is going on here anyway, some quiverfull bullshit?
Insofar as you’re not the source of the “no kids” jokes (which they’re not), you’re NTA. It’s not as if you can control what your other siblings say.
It might be a good idea to have a sit-down with your two sisters-with-kids and explain to them that (a) of course they are always invited to bring their kids, regardless the jokes made by your other siblings and (b) lots of things will be last minute because that just what happens amongst you. Ask them if they want to be included, even if it IS at the last minute; or if they prefer to be left out all last-minute events.
NTA. You aren’t the cruise director.
ESH “don’t bring the kids” is a horrible thing to joke. There’s a saying “many a true word said in jest” which means that these “jokes” are really the truth about how people feeling about the niblings.
Similarly, your sisters shouldn’t expect the whole family to revolve around them.
Updateme
Yall need to cut out those ” no kids” jokes very passive aggressive and you know your sisters get upset about it
How sure are we that the “jokes” are just jokes?
Y’all seem to be doing a lot of things together. Surely they don’t have the time and energy to do it all? NTA
Info: are the jokes because they really don’t want the little kids around?
ESH you guys need to stop making jokes about not wanting their children around. It’s not funny and honestly, even in this post it sounds like you guys actually don’t want to have to deal with the reality that their kids are the younger generation and part of the family in favor of just having siblings time. They also need to accept that some plans just aren’t practical to share out. For example, impromptu ice cream runs are by design not going to be easy to pull two other households in on.
NTA. With different households you can’t possibly plan everything in advance. And you shouldn’t feel like you have to announce or extend every outing to them. They’re being overly sensitive and you explained it perfectly about spontaneous discussions and separate households. Why do they suddenly feel like they have to be up in everything you do? Did something happen, because this really is unusual expectations.
My mom raised the three of us that there would be times that us children (this included my many cousins) would not attend functions/services meant for the more mature family members. Sometimes she’d go on a dinner date or have drinks with a coworker. We had a babysitter and didn’t think anything of it. Our mom lost her cool more than once because my brother and his wife wouldn’t attend anything their two kids weren’t invited to. She didn’t yell at her grandchildren, she just got frustrated that my brother didn’t understand the whole “adults only” situation.
NTA. There’s no miscommunication. Your sisters are just twats.