Sorry for the rant. TLDR; Me and my sister have never gotten along so I don’t want her at my wedding.
I am getting married to the most amazing person. I’m extremely excited and couldn’t be happier.
However once we started talking logistics and planning it became obvious that I (M30) do not want my older sister (F39) to attend.
We have always had a strained relationship. In childhood the age gap made it difficult for us to bond. My earliest memories of her are dodging things being thrown at me, screaming, and once while being babysat I was restrained with duct tape for being “irritating”. Once she moved out of the house we didn’t have a relationship. She spent her 20s going out and living life, like most of us do, but she didn’t came to thanksgiving/christmas/or other holidays and events for nearly 10 years. During that time my relationship with her was nearly nonexistent.
A couple years ago she had an outburst during a family crisis. My father had an accident and it was touch and go. She was cruel to my mother in front of my father just before he went into surgery. This was the first time I cut her out. I didn’t speak to her for 2 years. This caused a strain on my parents who felt like they needed to choose sides.
We started to patch this up because she had a son but it was very difficult.
Most recently, we had a disagreement in January at my grandfathers funeral. The night before some cousins got together to reminisce, I wasn’t up to it and had to decline. I didn’t think much of it considering I was already speaking with extended family and they understood. At the funeral she was sitting alone and my future wife said “You should go sit with her”. So I did. She was cold and ignored me while I played with my nephew until she broke the silence by saying “Your absence has been noticed”. I said nothing, got up and went back to my fiancé
My parents understand my sisters shortcomings, but she is a single mother now and needs support, and this division between my sister creates complications within the family. I feel bad putting my family in these circumstances but I refuse to tolerate my sisters toxic attitude. She is too old and had too many opportunities to grow, and I need to protect my peace. I’m starting a new chapter of my life but I feel guilty doing it like this.
Am I The Asshole?
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Sorry for the rant. TLDR; Me and my sister have never gotten along so I don’t want her at my wedding.
I am getting married to the most amazing person. I’m extremely excited and couldn’t be happier.
However once we started talking logistics and planning it became obvious that I (M30) do not want my older sister (F39) to attend.
We have always had a strained relationship. In childhood the age gap made it difficult for us to bond. My earliest memories of her are dodging things being thrown at me, screaming, and once while being babysat I was restrained with duct tape for being “irritating”. Once she moved out of the house we didn’t have a relationship. She spent her 20s going out and living life, like most of us do, but she didn’t came to thanksgiving/christmas/or other holidays and events for nearly 10 years. During that time my relationship with her was nearly nonexistent.
A couple years ago she had an outburst during a family crisis. My father had an accident and it was touch and go. She was cruel to my mother in front of my father just before he went into surgery. This was the first time I cut her out. I didn’t speak to her for 2 years. This caused a strain on my parents who felt like they needed to choose sides.
We started to patch this up because she had a son but it was very difficult.
Most recently, we had a disagreement in January at my grandfathers funeral. The night before some cousins got together to reminisce, I wasn’t up to it and had to decline. I didn’t think much of it considering I was already speaking with extended family and they understood. At the funeral she was sitting alone and my future wife said “You should go sit with her”. So I did. She was cold and ignored me while I played with my nephew until she broke the silence by saying “Your absence has been noticed”. I said nothing, got up and went back to my fiancé
My parents understand my sisters shortcomings, but she is a single mother now and needs support, and this division between my sister creates complications within the family. I feel bad putting my family in these circumstances but I refuse to tolerate my sisters toxic attitude. She is too old and had too many opportunities to grow, and I need to protect my peace. I’m starting a new chapter of my life but I feel guilty doing it like this.
Am I The Asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not inviting family to my wedding.
2. It’s widely seen as rude to not invite immediate family
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Your sister having a child should not have changed anything regarding relationships with her. She’s still the same person she was.
Don’t discuss invites with others. That’s old fashioned manners that need to come back. Invite who you want. Let others feel however they will about it. It’s not up for negotiations.
NTA – if there is desire to build a good relationship between you two, your sister has also had every opportunity to reach out and put in effort towards that, which she hasn’t. A wedding isn’t the best context for reconciliation. Invite who you want to have there at this point in time and only discuss invitations with your future wife.
It’s your wedding and you have the right to not invite someone who has been horrible to you. When people start telling you a wedding is about family and healing tell them that it’s not their wedding and in fact the wedding is about your future wife and you not anyone else
NTA. Wedding is deeply personal (esp if you are going for an intimate wedding).
You said it yourself that you “refuse to tolerate toxic attitude”. So if you back down now, you are re-tolerating it again.
Your sister was abusive, mentally and physically.
You are allowed to protect your peace by uninvited her (and anyone that side to her). This is your wedding not a family therapy session.
NTA. You don’t actually have to have a relationship with your sister. Honestly, ah to yourself if you do imo.
You’re NTA. It sounds like your sister is still about 13, acting like you’re an annoying 4 year old and she resents your existence.
>My earliest memories of her are dodging things being thrown at me, screaming, and once while being babysat I was restrained with duct tape for being “irritating”.
Your parents should have put a stop to that behavior when it was happening. If they allowed that to continue, they’re the ones who created this festering problem.
>My parents understand my sisters shortcomings
Sounds more like they’re the ones who excuse and enable her behavior.
your wedding, your guest list.
Do what makes you happy on the day, although it won’t help you all get along.
Another thing is. Siblings can have conflicts. Siblings can have nothing to do with each other really. But that does not mean they can’t act “politely” enough that the parents won’t have to be affected more than for some gatherings. e.g. both of you not showing up for the same holiday.
But aside from that, you are both +30, and should be mature enough that it wouldn’t “tear your parents apart, having to choose a side”. People can not like each other, but still act civil and with some mutual respect.