My daughter and nephew, my sister’s son, are graduating from the same school this year. Unfortunately, my brother and sister have been fighting and causing trouble whenever they’re near each other for the last couple of years. This has strained our family, requiring us to have separate holidays and events at my parents’ house to avoid conflict. My sister has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t want my brother at any event involving her children, including graduation. She has even threatened to create a scene, take her children, and leave if he shows up to anything her children are involved in, even if my children are also present.
I find myself caught in the middle of this conflict because I harbor no animosity towards either of them and refuse to exclude one from my life. As the eldest child, they are both my siblings. My parents, overwhelmed by their behavior, have lost the motivation to try and reconcile them and have accepted the fact they are not willing to work things out.
Today, my brother asked me about his graduation tickets. I informed him that I wasn’t sure how many tickets we were getting and might not have enough for everyone, as my husband’s side of the family also wanted to attend. I tried to give him the details about the graduation party, but he immediately took offense to this news, became angry, and said he wouldn’t attend any party if he couldn’t come to the ceremony. He hung up on me and then took to Facebook to vent about how he felt abused by his family. With this reaction, I don’t think I want to even try to fight my sister over him attending the ceremony.
My brother, who isn’t very involved in my children’s lives, frequently skips their events, even though he promises to attend. This has been particularly difficult for me and the kids, especially since he makes an effort to be present for his wife’s nephew’s events. However, he is their uncle and lives them in his own way.
So AITH for not offering a ticket or trying to convince my sister to let my brother attend graduation? I just want to avoid issues and drama on what should be a happy day focused on the kids achievement.
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My daughter and nephew, my sister’s son, are graduating from the same school this year. Unfortunately, my brother and sister have been fighting and causing trouble whenever they’re near each other for the last couple of years. This has strained our family, requiring us to have separate holidays and events at my parents’ house to avoid conflict. My sister has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t want my brother at any event involving her children, including graduation. She has even threatened to create a scene, take her children, and leave if he shows up to anything her children are involved in, even if my children are also present.
I find myself caught in the middle of this conflict because I harbor no animosity towards either of them and refuse to exclude one from my life. As the eldest child, they are both my siblings. My parents, overwhelmed by their behavior, have lost the motivation to try and reconcile them and have accepted the fact they are not willing to work things out.
Today, my brother asked me about his graduation tickets. I informed him that I wasn’t sure how many tickets we were getting and might not have enough for everyone, as my husband’s side of the family also wanted to attend. I tried to give him the details about the graduation party, but he immediately took offense to this news, became angry, and said he wouldn’t attend any party if he couldn’t come to the ceremony. He hung up on me and then took to Facebook to vent about how he felt abused by his family. With this reaction, I don’t think I want to even try to fight my sister over him attending the ceremony.
My brother, who isn’t very involved in my children’s lives, frequently skips their events, even though he promises to attend. This has been particularly difficult for me and the kids, especially since he makes an effort to be present for his wife’s nephew’s events. However, he is their uncle and lives them in his own way.
So AITH for not offering a ticket or trying to convince my sister to let my brother attend graduation? I just want to avoid issues and drama on what should be a happy day focused on the kids achievement.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not inviting my brother to my daughter’s graduation
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA specifically because you said he isn’t very involved with your kids and “frequently skips their events”.
He’s being immature at throwing a tantrum over this and not even wanting to attend the party which seems to me this might be another way for him to get at your sister. This event is about the kids graduating so let the kids enjoy it without drama from adults.
NTA. I don’t know about your ceremony, although it sounds like it, but for graduation ceremonies I take part in, tickets are limited and an extremely hot commodity. If your brother is not a very regular part of your children’s lives, he shouldn’t be getting a ticket anyway, and it’s weird that he expects one under the circumstances.
Let him have his facebook tantrum if he wants. It doesn’t change the fact that your tickets should go to people who are actively involved in your children’s lives, and then be offered to their friends who may need more tickets than they have for their own involved family members, and THEN, and only then, should you be offering them to family members who may just want to come for their own reasons. Maybe your brother is getting into cap & gown fashion and wants ideas? Maybe he gets really motivated by valedictorian speeches? Most likely, he believes attending ceremonies with pomp and circumstance is important, and that he is entitled to attend this graduation even though he doesn’t show up for less important events in the child’s life.
He’s wrong. This particular event, more than most others, with limited tickets, celebrating the child’s achievement and a life milestone, should absolutely be reserved for the people the child would choose to invite to this event.
NTA! Sounds to me like he went into the conversation looking for a reason to kick off, rather than any real desire to be there.
Not his kid, not your problem! Certainly NTA!
I have to say ESH.
I have little sympathy for the facebooking-ranting brother, and even less for the sister’s tactic of getting brother disinvited to stuff by threatening to make a scene if he’s there. And OP claims to be neutral, but by uninviting the brother she’s taking the sister’s side, and validating the sister’s AH tactics.
He wants to pretend to be a good uncle for clout and be the victim on social media, that’s not actually someone who wants to be really involved in their lives or he would have made a genuine effort by now. He doesn’t deserve to be there. NTA.
NTA. Is your brother 12? Even that would not excuse his behavior.
Be honest and say there are limited tickets and he often backs out of your children’s events. You don’t want to tell someone they can come because you’re reserving a spot for him but he won’t show.
NTA. But as the eldest, you might be a bit more hard nosed in your approach since it seems that whoever contacts you first is the one who will have the temper tantrum about the other one, leaving you in a no-win situation. A better strategy might be to inform them that, moving forward:
If you’re lucky, both will send regrets until things calm down.