Recently it was my father’s birthday. We never really celebrated birthdays growing up and so it was sort of an unspoken rule to keep the gifts, if any, simple. Every year me and my two sisters (let’s call them Alice and Beatrice) would generally come together to agree on gifts that we then hand over whilst sharing the cost.
At my father’s birthday, my sister (Alice) decided to buy him an extra gift on the side without telling us (me and Beatrice). It was a new iPhone. My father is actually fairly wealthy and was not looking to buy a new iPhone, so it was a bit of a strange gift. It was even stranger that it was a “secret gift” up until the last minute. It made me and Beatrice look like shit, handing over a much simpler gift. I am clearly upset at so many things, but I think what irritates me the most is that even if Alice pressed ahead with the gift, she could have given us enough time in advance so we could’ve each decided on a better gift. Also, fyi she has done this before but at a much smaller scale. This time, the iPhone really ruined everyone else’s gifts.
We tried to speak to Alice afterwards, but she played the incredulity card that we are upset at her buying a gift for dad. How could we be so upset at a nice gift for dad? etc, which really wasn’t the point but we were going nowhere so that was tabled.
My mother’s birthday is coming up. Me and Beatrice have decided not to tell Alice about our upcoming gift plans. Alice has seemed to have caught on and is upset that we are both buying a gift together and excluding her. It also means we have a much bigger budget, and she would prefer splitting the cost than pay gifts individually. It also means she has no idea what our gift is so she doesn’t know what ballpark we are aiming at. As you might suspect, she seems oblivious to the irony of this all, and thinks we are being excessively mean because we are planning her exclusion out whereas she didn’t actually do anything wrong.
AITA for not involving our sister in our gift plans any longer
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Recently it was my father’s birthday. We never really celebrated birthdays growing up and so it was sort of an unspoken rule to keep the gifts, if any, simple. Every year me and my two sisters (let’s call them Alice and Beatrice) would generally come together to agree on gifts that we then hand over whilst sharing the cost.
At my father’s birthday, my sister (Alice) decided to buy him an extra gift on the side without telling us (me and Beatrice). It was a new iPhone. My father is actually fairly wealthy and was not looking to buy a new iPhone, so it was a bit of a strange gift. It was even stranger that it was a “secret gift” up until the last minute. It made me and Beatrice look like shit, handing over a much simpler gift. I am clearly upset at so many things, but I think what irritates me the most is that even if Alice pressed ahead with the gift, she could have given us enough time in advance so we could’ve each decided on a better gift. Also, fyi she has done this before but at a much smaller scale. This time, the iPhone really ruined everyone else’s gifts.
We tried to speak to Alice afterwards, but she played the incredulity card that we are upset at her buying a gift for dad. How could we be so upset at a nice gift for dad? etc, which really wasn’t the point but we were going nowhere so that was tabled.
My mother’s birthday is coming up. Me and Beatrice have decided not to tell Alice about our upcoming gift plans. Alice has seemed to have caught on and is upset that we are both buying a gift together and excluding her. It also means we have a much bigger budget, and she would prefer splitting the cost than pay gifts individually. It also means she has no idea what our gift is so she doesn’t know what ballpark we are aiming at. As you might suspect, she seems oblivious to the irony of this all, and thinks we are being excessively mean because we are planning her exclusion out whereas she didn’t actually do anything wrong.
AITA for not involving our sister in our gift plans any longer
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided not to let our sister be involved in my gift plans. that might make me an asshole because it makes it harder for my sister to buy a good gift, and also we are intentionally excluding her which she has asked us not to do.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
People can organise gift giving as they see fit, collectively or individually, so NAH
If your parents set the expectation that modest gifting was the norm, how would your sister’s gift of something that was unexpected and not needed ruin your gift? Do your parents now expect more costly gifts?
I’m gonna go with ESH here. I understand why you are upset, but this is not a competition who gives the more expensive gift. Or at least, it shouldn’t be. Alice is the AH for not communicating that she wishes to stop with the shared gift and then getting upset you don’t want to continue it. This all seems like a lack of communication between you. Have a conversation and see where everyone is standing: Do you still want to give a shared gift? It’s not a must. Also, your siblings can gift something else just from them, that’s allowed, isn’t it? Also, it could vary per year, she might be like “I already have something” one year and not the next, and it’s up to you whether you want to team up with you other sibling then or not. Seems a bit weird you are so hung up on the “All gifts must come from the three of us”.
ESH.
Gift giving isn’t about one upping. It’s about bringing joy to someone. Who cares if she got him an extra gift??
Still, it does seem suspicious that she wouldn’t mention an extra gift since you all meet just for the purpose of deciding gifts. So Alice is ta for not listening to you/feigning ignorance of the problem.
YTA for intentionally cutting her out of a years long tradition that should be about the recipient of the gift rather than the money spent on it.
Just seems like sisters being petty with each other here.
You and Beatrice could take this opportunity to explain to Alice why she’s been purposely excluded this time and have a real chance to air out grievances about it, then move on.
ESH
Lots of petty behavior all around.
I’m confused why you can’t do a group gift together and an individual gift?
Maybe that’s why Alice doesn’t see the big deal. If she NORMALLY buys the group AND an individual why are you upset that she kept the same energy this time?
I’m gonna go with YTA because you seem to have a problem with how she did and has been spending her money…
Idk who the AH is but it sure ain’t your sister. Why exactly does she need to inform you about what she’s gifting her dad? That’s not your dad only yk. It doesn’t make your gifts look bad either, because your gift is just the norm. Oh wait no YTA!! if you exclude her on the gift you give together as siblings you’re isolating her. You can give your own gifts or discuss and stop doing the whole pitching thing. But your idea is to simply exclude her in your sisterdom or whatever. plsss
NTA as long as you accept that your sister is upset about it. LOL Whatever her reason for giving the more expensive gift to your father on her own, she surely understood that she was breaking with “tradition” and didn’t care if YOU two were upset, so why worry about her feelings now?