I (M23) have been a firefighter with the FDNY for about 2 years. It took a lot to get here, and even though it’s a tough job, I love it. It gives me purpose, and I finally feel like I’m doing something that matters.
My girlfriend (F27) is in the Navy. We’ve been together a little over a year and recently found out she’s pregnant. She’s decided she’s going to leave the Navy because she doesn’t want that lifestyle while raising a kid. I support her choice completely.
But now she wants me to leave my job too. She says being a firefighter is too dangerous, and she doesn’t want to be home alone with a newborn worrying if something happened to me. She’s been pushing for me to look into safer jobs or something with a more regular schedule.
I told her I get it, but I’ve only been doing this for a year and it’s something I truly care about
but I don’t want to give up a job I worked hard for and actually enjoy.
She says I’m being selfish and not thinking about our family. I don’t see it that way I just don’t think quitting my career is the only way to be a good dad.
AITA?
Comments
NTA, she shouldn’t get to dictate your life just because she’s pregnant.
Nta
This is a conversation you have with someone before having a child. You’re NTA and she needs to respect your decision.
I’m sorry! If you are truly that passionate about your job, go to couples counseling and try to work things out. Most fire fighters have a family.
I don’t think giving up a career you’ve worked for is actually a smart move with a kid on the way. I get that she’s worried about the possibilities of what may happen if something goes wrong but on the flip side you or she could get hot by a bus the next time you cross the street; are you never going to go outside again in case that happens??
Being a first responder is a very admirable career path and one your kid can be proud to say their dad is.
Listen to your partner and don’t dismiss her concerns but be clear that leaving your career that you love and worked hard for isn’t something you are prepared to do right now. Besides if she leaves the navy and you leave your job who is going to provide for the family?
There will be much longer answers but let’s cut to it.
Don’t you do it Dude.
Don’t leave a job you love because someone else wants you to.
Rarely ends well.
NTA
That is an amazing job. Keep it.
NTA, maybe i’m going out on a limb here but I highly doubt two unemployed parents is the solution for her anxieties…
it’s a dangerous job to be sure, but there are also a lot of other dangers out there. it’s not up to her to decide what you do for your career and life.
I would NEVER discourage a firefighter with a passion for the job. That’s professional hero s**t.
I watch one climb up that truck ladder across the street the other day to the roof of a six story building in full gear and a chainsaw in 90 degree weather. I’d freak out on the ladder in any weather!
You are not the A and neither is she. I get why she’s nervous about your job, but she should not tell you how you need to make your living. You are not being immoral. Good luck. I hope you guys can come together on this decision.
No, do not leave that job benefits are incredible The pay is relatively okay there’s a lot of civilian perks to it And it’s an incredibly stable career with really good union representation. It would be stupid to quit.
NTA. She knew you were a firefighter when she decided to have your baby.
You’ve been together a year, you’re not even married, are you actually on board to suddenly settle down and focus on “our family”? Because that will shape a lot of the discussion.
If you do want to stay together and start a family as opposed to simply coparenting, I’d strongly recommend finding a couples counselor to help yall talk it through. You’ve probably got a strong EAP through your job – safety usually does – so I’d go through them to find someone since it’ll be free for a few sessions at least. You need to get on the same page about this ASAP, and a neutral third party can help you work through it and hopefully come to a good resolution.
NAH. She’s entitled to be worried about the kind of wonky schedules FFs have and how that will affect her as the primary caregiver for the child. You’re entitled to want to focus on your career, especially at this early stage.
You might also want to talk with some of the older guys at your station. Some of them have probably been through similar issues and might have better advice for you than a bunch of people who aren’t familiar with the lifestyle demands and constraints involved in working public safety jobs.
I would not give up those benefits. Sorry. Plus you need income for a baby. She needs a reality check
NTA
Don’t leave a job that’s important to you because of someone else’s fear.
There are a lot of dads in the FDNY.
If this was important to her, she should have talked with you about this before getting pregnant.
Thank her for caring about you and your family the way she does but tell her that’s exactly why you do the job, to care for the family. There are dangers everywhere and this is something she should be proud of. You are doing an amazing job. I hope she sees that eventually and you have a happy life with your baby
NTA
she’s belittling how hard you’ve worked in your accomplishment you are thinking of the family.
Sounds to me like she’s being selfish and trying to use the pregnancy as an excuse
So if you both quit, where’s the money coming from? NTA, her reason for quitting is valid for herself. Unfortunately for her, she can’t force those same reasons on you.
You are going to be a parent. You have to weigh your responsibility to the child and family versus career. Having worked EMS the hours and schedule can be grueling and make being an active parent hard so you do need to at least plan out how this will work going forward but I don’t think you have to leave if you don’t want to just plan for the future
NTA. Keep your job. It’s a good job and you’ll make money. Is it too late for an abortion? That’d be the best answer.
NTA. I am descended from 3 generations of firemen. The tradition skipped a generation but two more guys picked it up in the general following mine.
The youngest of my firefighter ancestors would have turned 100 this year. And I’m guessing the profession was a lot less safe in the late 19th and first half of 20th century than it is now.
They all retired as firefighters, and none of them was ever injured, much less killed.
She got with you knowing you were in the fire department. She can’t force that change. I married a guy in the military I knew what I was getting Liz I let him get out when he was ready. He got out after his 5 years was up. I stuck with him while he did 15 months in Iraq. We have been together almost 20 years now
NTA….. it’s a risk looking out your window while having a cup of coffee, she chose to leave her career & you didn’t try to persuade her to stay, you supported her decision.
So she needs to respect your decision & commitment to your profession, she should tell you her fears, but she should support you.
Maybe she should consider getting some kind of therapy.
NTA and please for the love of god do not quit your job with a child on the way. She is being stupid.
Keep your job bro, you’re not going to die, she’ll get over it.
NTAH. Don’t quit a job you love. You’ll regret it forever.
🚩🚩🚩
Not sure how many will understand my reaction. Probably none.
Edit: her reaction are red flags
Has she seen the job market lately?!
NTA. Don’t quit your job for her. I know how hard it is to get in to the fire department especially in NY. Is she insane? She’s controlling and sounds out of her mind. You might be better off coparenting with her instead of being in an actual relationship. She doesn’t sound all there right now.
NTA. This is your job and your life. She might have legit concerns about risk, but that is what insurance is for.
Firefighters have medical, life and accident insurance, so they and their families are covered.
She can’t just demand that you give up your career and your passion because she doesn’t like it. I think more conversation is needed, and maybe a professional unbiased couple counseling is needed or these issues will keep festering.
NTA you didn’t surprise her with this, this is what you’ve WORKED for, what you’ve wanted. honestly she should be thrilled who else gets a schedule like that? I live with and have grown up with firefighters, they are all incredible and involved parents.
0 income first kid would be wild
If she expected such, she shouldn’t have stayed with you when you became one.
babies are expensive as hell wtf kind of income does she think you guys will live off of?
No
Do. Not. Leave. That. Job.
Signed,
Someone who understands
I understand you both and I went through something similar. Right now.She’s just thinking if something happens to you it will just her in the baby and that frightens her. It will eventually be something that she gets past.. is she makes you quit your job that you love you’ll just resent her for it in the long run.. tell her that you’ll compromise that you wanna stay doing this for another couple of years And then you promise to switch to something less dangerous.
No, but you will now have the third highest probability for divorce.
NTA, tell her to get over herself. She can’t dictate your career path.
NTA
She chose to have a baby with a firefighter. She doesn’t get to tell you what career works best for you. If this is going to be an ongoing issue for her, agree on custody now and split up. The baby doesn’t need to grow up in an environment that will be continuously negative.
I respect you and what you do. Most of those firefighters have families. With wives and partners who support them. That’s what you deserve
NAH but be prepared for this whole thing to not work out and to have to figure out a coparenting plan.
Married 21 years to a sailor. Multiple deployments and tours. Still on active duty. I didn’t change him. I didn’t demand he give up the job he loves. Every re-enlistment was his choice. I just stand by him. You need to think hard about this relationship. She’s thrown the red flag.
No. It’s a great job, and one that you love. She was fine with it while you were dating g. A surprise pregnancy doesn’t change anything. Tons of firefighters have families. She’s going to have to get over it.
This is a very unfortunate situation. You should be able to follow your career choice no matter what! She’s being the selfish one. I’m not saying that being the wife, mate, girlfriend of several careers is easy, but it’s very selfish of her. Keep your job, it may well have already lasted longer than baby momma does. Which is really a shame. Good luck. The FD is actually a calling. Like PD it’s a giving of oneself for the service of others. I’m glad for you that you found your lived career so young
NTA! You have found a career that is fulfilling to you. She shouldn’t be trying to take that away!
If she didnt want her baby daddy to be a firefighter then she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant by a firefighter.
Ask your gf how exactly will there be a guarantee of safer jobs or something with a more regular schedule?
What if the only safer jobs require you to travel more often or what if you can’t get a job with a more regular schedule, what’s her plan then?
Sorry to say she is controlling u , if u leaving fdny after that she will tell u what to do
Passion in your career is a hard thing to come by in this world/society. Don’t quit. Let he know there are firefighters with families. Let he know how much for feel seen as a human doing something you love. Get couples counseling if that doesn’t work. Having your own fear dictate you life is hard enough, don’t let someone else’s take control of yours
Many military members have families and the children grow up to be just fine. She will lose her income and free healthcare if she leaves the Navy. She is 27 years old and really needs to think about her decisions. Maybe talk to a counselor.
She is putting pressure on you to give up a job you love and worked hard for (I know I have firefighter friends and they worked hard to get where they are), and you are the selfish one. She needs to take a good long look in the mirror.
No, keep working at the fire department for now. It’s your dream and your passion. You worked so hard to get where you are. You can revisit it a few years maybe.
So uh if you guys both quit your jobs, how are you gunna afford to live? How are you gunna afford a baby?
NTA
But this relationship may not work. Try counseling.
Fuck no NTA.
Forget passion for the job or any of that shit. This is America and FDNY will give you good health insurance. Case closed.
Don’t quit a job you love. You’ll grow to resent her.
Do make sure you have a solid term life insurance policy to help her take care of your kid should the worst happen.
You can’t BOTH quit your jobs. Hf is having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. Wish you well. This gonna be tough.
NTA
Ignoring that you can choose your own career path and she should have Monday; what does she expect you guys do for money with a newborn?
She is leaving the navy (not sure if she will get a pension for such a short tenure) and her insurance is probably gone with it. Job market isn’t the best right now so you’d be competing with 1000s of other for jobs where you have no direct experience. Plus again the whole insurance thing
NTA If she had any sense, she would stay in the Navy versus telling you to quit your job so all three of you could be a little happy homeless family together! I would not marry her just because she is pregnant either for she seems already unstable being newly pregnant! She is not thinking clearly at all. She could at least have the baby while in the Navy versus telling to save on medical bills. You could get married and become a dependent stay at home dad for a couple of years then try to get hired on to the base FD.
I’ll give her the slightest bit of grace and say that maybe she’s going through some hormonal based fears and needs to talk to someone about it. You should not give up your job because of it.
You’re NTA for wanting to stay in a hard earned career that you enjoy and that will give you good pay and benefits. This was your career before she got pregnant and it’s not like you came out with this job out of nowhere.
First responder life is tough, and much respect to anyone who chooses it because the world needs you. It’s also tough on families at times, so she needs to decide if she can live with it. You don’t have to leave your job for something safer. Lots of people worked safe jobs at the World Trade Center and look what happened.
NTA, not even a little. You should be proud of what you have done to get to where you are. Doing something you are passionate about and truly love, despite the difficulties that come with that career, is all we really want in life. You should not have to give up your passion in order to be a parent. It is noble for your girlfriend as well to give up on something so meaningful for something else wonderful, but that was her choice. You didn’t ask her to do it. It is not fair of her to ask that of you. It isn’t like you are in a cover band as a part time hobby and she wants you to give up to spend more time at home; this is your passion and livelihood. I can’t imagine you wouldn’t somehow act out or learn to resent her if you actually did give up being with the FDNY.
Again, NTA. I understand your gf’s worries completely, but this isn’t something she should ask of you. She’s the AH here.
NTA – it doesn’t matter what you do for a living, you could get killed in a car wreck tomorrow . She needs to calm down and get her hormones under control .
Don;t quit your job for any woman. You will just be miserable, and end up breaking up anyway, and now without a job you love.
She shouldn’t have fucked a firefighter. NAH
NTA
Maybe you have to put your foot down and say no and let her deal with it after
Getting into fdny is not an easy task. Kudos to you. Keep your job.
Stay with FDNY. Don’t let her make you give up something you’ve worked so hard for.
I’m so sick of people getting pregnant. Then making demands. Keep your job she should get an abortion
Did she know you were a firefighter before she had sex with you? Never give up your future for someone else.
As a fire-wife, this confuses me so much. You knew what you were getting into hooking up with a Navy girl, she knew what she was getting into with a firefighter…
Honestly. I’m most confused because now you have the better benefits to provide your child, if she left the Navy. All the moving potential aside, she had access to some pretty damn good benefits for her children, it just would have worked out best if she was married.
One thing I have learned married to a career firefighter, is you can’t make him/her quit. Ya’ll still seek that job. Its in your soul. You do more stupid adrenaline junky bull puckey that would get you killed faster if you dont have the job to go to.
I can totally understand why you feel passionate about your job. And while it can be scary partnered with someone who has a dangerous job, the reality is that we need you. Someone has to do these jobs.
You actually haven’t been together very long and it sounds like this pregnancy wasn’t planned. This is shaping up to be a major life approach incompatibility, and it’s probably not the only one.
The two of you need to start counseling together now.
NTA she knew you were a firefighter and the lifestyle that comes with it and the hours she should’ve made sure her BC was working if she didn’t want the father of her child working a dangerous job.
….. how does she expect to raise a child with no money?
That’s an absurd request. Many many firefighters have children, stay safe, and their work schedule allows them to be very present parents. I know three men in particular who are firefighters and hands on dads. It is entirely different from being in the navy. I don’t understand why she is trying to sabotage your career. She may be having a lot of pregnancy anxiety and needs to talk to a professional about that. NTA
Umm, you could literally walk outside and get hit by a bus tomorrow. I wouldn’t quit. It takes a lot to become one and if you’ve only been it for a year. I wouldn’t give it up. She can quit her own job, she can’t force you. Plus how does she expect to pay for baby expenses? Out of thin air?
lol, I suspect that a desk job is actually more dangerous, as sitting all day, especially for the next 40 years, is super super dangerous. Really. Keep the well paying job that you love, has good time off, good benefits, and that requires you to maintain your fitness! And honor the spirit under her request, which is to make a commitment to figure out how to be present as a parent and to keep yourself emotionally and physically healthy.
NTA and how is both of you loosing your income good for your future child? And fell in love with a firefighter and that is what she has.
My father was a fireman, Deputy Fire Chief his entire adult life. Literally worked part time in a smaller department after his first retirement from a large department. He had plenty of family time, ran a small business as a roofer, and owned a liquor store. He was a busy body but we never feared for him. Firefighting can be dangerous work, for obvious reasons, but the military life and fire fighting life is very different. (I’m a veteran) You have a great and rewarding career ahead of you, don’t ruin it on fear. Plus, everyone loves firemen 😃.
Edit to say: NTA
She’s asking for too much. You haven’t been together that long and now that she’s pregnant she’s wanting you to change your whole career? That’s ridiculous. Don’t change careers for someone you’ve known for that short amount of time.
As a new-ish mom I understand where she’s coming from, a lot of FF also get cancer and tend to have shorter lifespans as a whole, however, you were a firefighter when you two got together, so she should have considered that before she started a relationship with you and/or before she got pregnant. NTA.
Ya this is a real post. Not!!!
It’s a little late for this advice for your GF, but a real protip for having a co-parent who is in a safe, regular-schedule job is to not fuck firefighters. She should probably have been flirting with sales managers or civil engineers or bank clerks or something.
NTA. Plenty of firefighters are also dads.
Your GF is worried about you being FDNY? Has she seen the subways recently? I would have to bet that some of your brothers are working those tunnels right now. People depend on you.
Granted, being firefighter is NOT the safest job in the world. But then again, you don’t have Twin Tower type problems very often, either.
This is a toughie. I wish you wisdom.
DO NOT leave a good job that you love. Yes it’s dangerous it takes a special person to run towards danger. You save lives and the world needs more selfless people like you. If you quit what will you try for a cop?? You’ll never be happy always thinking…. What if
WEAR CONDOMS! Damn son.
I would tell her no
Don’t you dare quit.
How is a dead father a good dad? Find some facts about the mortality rates of fighter fighters and provide factual information to her. Listen and validate her concerns. Collaborate together on what’s best for your family. Please seek couples counseling. NTA BTW, just work on your relationship.
Give up a job with good pay, benefits, and a pension after 20-25 years? That is such a stable job for your family…
Just schedule with her appropriately and keep your PTSD under control (healthy coping not drinking). Don’t you work a 48 with 5 off or something? 5 days of being home to care for the kid isn’t enough?
The danger thing? Well ya….but there’s more dangerous jobs. Is there less vulnerable positions at your station you can take? Like becoming a Medic so you don’t have to do any firefighting but get the same benefits?
I would be really reluctant to give up your career….in 20 years you can have a pension and work another job making $$$$
Being a pizza delivery boy, roofer, farmer, or landscaper is more dangerous.
She doesn’t realize being a fire fighter is safe.
When you’re pregnant you worry a lot more. Maybe wait until the baby is born to make any job changes? Her fears are real to her at this time. Also, just a tip, here’s your first chance to stand up for your woman, the mother of your child. There’s a lot of nasty comments on here insinuating that she baby trapped you, and women are all dying to land men with their secretly planned pregnancies. Men all seem to think they’re some grand prize. You didn’t use birth control, and you’re equally responsible, it sounds like you also look forward to the baby, and it’s nice to have a family. Congratulations! Being a parent is a wonderful experience.
Lots of cops, firefighters, social workers and other families have happy, contented home lives. You will always resent her if you end up quitting. In addition, finding a job where you’re off that much can be very helpful when you’re raising a small child. Plus, you have pension and benefits, which matter nowadays, of course.
Daughter of a retired firefighter here. It’s a fulfilling career and you definitely can make a difference in the world. It IS dangerous, but so are a lot of other jobs. Plus the benefits are great. I LOVED that my dad was a fireman. He was a hero.
*Parents were married for 67 years and were fantastic together until they passed last year. Zero discussion of divorce that I ever heard of. Their devotion to each other was something I’ve rarely if ever seen again.
Ultimately this is a decision for both of you to consider deeply. As someone who has grown kids and was in law enforcement and was married to a cop (my mother was like “why can’t SOMEONE work in an office?” lol), you have to weigh how resentful you will be if you feel forced to give up something you find works so well for you. Resentment kills more marriages than getting killed in a fire.
She knew you were a firefighter when she started dating you. She has no rights ordering you to quit your job. You won’t get another chance at a job like this. Don’t You Dare Quit Your Job. If you quit your job. God only know what she’ll be ordering you to do next.
If she wins….you quit your job. Tell her you will be a stay at home dad IF she can get a job that equally your pay as a firfighter.
Do not leave your job.
NTA. Look she’s super emotional and anxious right now. Having a baby brings out our biggest fears. Don’t leave your job if you love it. There are far more dangerous careers than being a firefighter. Talk to her and explain your side of this. You worked so hard to get where you are and you see a future in your career. Talk to her about the benefits of your job, and how your retirement will be set up. Talk to her about the dangers, and what the department does to mitigate them.
If she really won’t back down from you having to quit your job, then you might have to separate. But it won’t change the fact that her child’s father is a firefighter.
She should’ve thought about that before she started sleeping with a firefighter. God, people are idiots.
You have a good job with great benefits and you love it. Do not quit. Keeping your job is putting family first. She wants you to leave and have no income and no benefits. If you love being on FDNY then you have the best job. You are going to have a pension and be able to retire earlier than most. Once you get up to top pay you will be making good money.
I hope some of the responses here give you perspective and some examples of how staying is providing for your family.
Do not leave the FDNY it is so hard to get on the job.
NTA
Super sick.ple..if she’s worried about safety insist she doesn’t drive (you have a 1 in 100 chance of dying by driving), oh yeah she can’t walk either (1 in 500 chance).
What are the odds of dying as a firefighter? 1 in 15,000 year over year. The odds say 30 years of being a firefighter is equivalent in danger to WALKING
FDNY brings a family Blue Cross, stablee income, and retirement, which a family needs. GF is lucky to have you!