Ok so I didn’t think I’d be posting this but here goes.
I (40F) have kids 11M and 8F. My 11 yo had his friend over last Friday to sleep over into Saturday and i wasn’t home for a good portion of the his Friday part of the stay.
So when I was gone, my son asked me if they could swim. I said no. He kept asking and asking, and I kept saying no because A) drowning risk and B) I don’t really feel comfortable with kids of any age (except like 16+) swimming without my supervision. My son and his friend know how to swim, but still.
So he didn’t (if he used the pool I would know, and he knows I would know) but he was still visibly upset about it. My husband (also not there) thinks I should’ve let them use it because “why not?” (I always feel he’s being too much of a friend rather than a parent in these type of cases sometimes) and it’s been kind of a conflict between us since. Sort of.
AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
Ok so I didn’t think I’d be posting this but here goes.
I (40F) have kids 11M and 8F. My 11 yo had his friend over last Friday to sleep over into Saturday and i wasn’t home for a good portion of the his Friday part of the stay.
So when I was gone, my son asked me if they could swim. I said no. He kept asking and asking, and I kept saying no because A) drowning risk and B) I don’t really feel comfortable with kids of any age (except like 16+) swimming without my supervision. My son and his friend know how to swim, but still.
So he didn’t (if he used the pool I would know, and he knows I would know) but he was still visibly upset about it. My husband (also not there) thinks I should’ve let them use it because “why not?” (I always feel he’s being too much of a friend rather than a parent in these type of cases sometimes) and it’s been kind of a conflict between us since. Sort of.
AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I didn’t let my son have fun with his friends during summer
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. They know how to swim. They’re not three years old. Would have been fine.
You’re trying to be a good parent, but being over-protective is not good parenting. It prevents kids from having experiences, enjoying those experiences, and learning from them.
NTA, especially if there were no adults present.
NTA. They’re still kids, prone to horseplay, prone to dumb decisions and definitely attractive to creeps.
As a former criminal lawyer, I can’t tell you how many times I saw files of the not-quite-teen kid filmed, groped or worse as they played without adults at the pool, beach, playground or in the washroom.
NTA. Kids that age do stupid stuff like dive in shallow areas, hit their heads. Do they have CPR training? If something were to happen to the friend, depending on if you are the homeowner, you could have liability and be on the hook in a civil suit.
NTA. My kids know how to swim but the pool was completely out of bounds if no adult at home. I don’t need to be sitting watching them, but an adult MUST be home and MUST be asked beforehand, so they are aware.
NTA, my own father tonight said their pool was closed at 9:30 pm tonight. Lol I’m 37 years old and can swim. But he said it’s his responsibility to make sure everyone is safe.
NTA. You set a clear boundary based on safety, and your reasoning is solid.
Even kids who are strong swimmers can drown. Most drownings happen quickly and silently, and anyone can panic or get injured. An 11 year old should not have the responsibility for caring for themselves or others during a swimming emergency.
You weren’t home, your husband wasn’t home, and you made a judgment call that prioritized their well-being over temporary disappointment. That’s parenting.
It’s okay for your son to be upset. Boundaries aren’t always popular, especially when they interrupt fun. But you’re modeling something important: safety isn’t negotiable.
If anything, your husband might benefit from a deeper conversation about what “being the fun parent” costs when it comes to risk. You’re not being overprotective—you’re being proactive. And that’s something your kids will understand more as they grow.
I would have a long talk with my husband about responsibility and liability. Not only would letting them swim unsupervised put them at risk, but it would also open you up to liability if something went wrong. Your husband should be backing you up, not trying to be the ‘fun parent’ while putting your entire family’s future at risk.
YTA they can both swim
NTA. Tell your husband he needs to stop sucking ass to his children and be a parent instead.
So you weren’t there for a good portion you? You left an 11 year old and 8 year old alone?
NTA swimming is super fun and great exercise, but that doesn’t make the risks any less real. even if your son is a strong swimmer, how are you supposed to know his friend would be ok? plus, kids get rowdy with each other when they aren’t supervised. running and horseplay by the edge of a pool is an disturbingly easy way to get your neck broken and/or drown. they are too young to know to curb the build up of excitement that leads to circumstances like that, even if they are responsible kids.
Info: why is your 11 year old having a friend over without a parent present in the house?
Leaving your own kid at home alone is one thing, but leaving another parent’s child at your house, with no parental supervision, for an extended period of time, is another thing entirely.
NTA.
Things can go wrong very quickly in water, even if everyone knows how to swim.
Good on you for setting that rule, and good on your son for following it.
Info: If neither of you was home, then who was watching the kids?
NTA. No adult in the house, no swimming. That’s reasonable and for everyone’s safety. If they did something stupid or an accident happened, not having an adult nearby could cost one of the boys their life.
NTA because one, no swimming without lifeguard or adults. But also two, no need to teach him that asking a bunch of times is how you get someone to change the rule.
Once you said no, absent a good reason, you don’t get badgered into changing your mind.
edited for autocorrect screw up
I’m so confused. So they were home alone?? Wth..
NTA – but why are your kids allowed to have guests over with neither you nor your husband present? That’s asking for trouble…
Your husband is naive and ignores the playfulness of children that quickly turns into abuse, especially sexual, when unsupervised. He is ignorant of basic stuff regarding parenting.
No because if someone got hurt or died guess who is at fault
NTA because safety first, but also a bit sketch for no adult to be supervising when he has a friend over.
Soft YTA. You and I are roughly the same age. Did you never swim without adults around when you were a kid? My friends and I did it all the time. Lakes, rivers, pools.
You’re being extremely paranoid.
I say soft asshole because this isn’t a huge deal, but lady, you gotta chill with the anxiety.
They wanted to swim in a private pool with no one else around?
Yeah thats a no from me too. Such young kids cannot swim completely unsupervised.
NTA
NTA. I have a 10yo and an 11yo. I’ve only ever left them alone when I was in the hospital and had no other choice, and the rules were very clear they were not to use any kitchen appliances (not even the toaster lol) in case something went wrong. We also have cameras we were watching the entire time, and they were not to go outside or let anyone else inside either. I wouldn’t allow an 11yo to have a friend over without a parent and absolutely would not let them be swimming out there without a parent present- there are far too many things that could go wrong!
OK 11 is really not old enough to be by themselves. 12 MAYBE but generally not with a similar age friend. Who was watching the kids? Eleven is definitely not old enough to watch an 8 year old. YTA for leaving the kids alone. I totally agree that they were not old enough to swim alone.
NTA!!!!!! Every single child care professional will agree with you, including the academy of pediatrics.
NTA
As a pool owner, fuck no, that’s too young.
The likelihood of shenanigans is high and they’re the worst type of shenanigans – the type of shenanigans that can end with a dead kid
I was gonna say that maybe you’re being a bit overprotective, but after seeing these comments all I can say is I’m shocked at how many people seem to think 11 is too young to be home alone for a few hours in the daytime.
I was babysitting at 11, for crying out loud. Only a few hours at a time, mostly during the daytime, but c’mon people, 11 year olds should be able to survive in a house by themselves for a few hours.
Ignore…best you can for some ignorance
NTA. most public pools won’t let anyone swim under 14 unless there’s a lifeguard on duty or parent supervision.
Meanwhile, you are not only responsible for your son‘s life, but for someone else’s child’s life in this situation. Better safe than sorry.
NTA I would’ve done the same. You never know what kind of trouble they can get into, even if they are good well behaved kids. When I was in 6th grade, they took us to the field day in a running track that was located near a beach. When the field day ended we were gonna return walking to the school. A group returned and another group derailed to the beach. My sister and I included, but we weren’t gonna go swimming, we just wanted to rest our feet a bit and stay with our friends (several moms were there too, but not our mom). Someone, for some reason, pulled me to the water and dropped me in an area where i couldn’t reach the floor. I only remember me trying to get my head above water and not being able to. I also don’t remember how I got out, if someone pulled me or what. By the time we arrived home our mom was worried sick and she got mad when she saw us all wet. Apparently my sister was pulled to the water too (we were bullied at that school because we were the new students). Anyways…since that day I am traumatized with water where i cant reach the floor. I still go to the beach and the pool but I stay where I know I will not drown.
NTA!!! Their safety is MOST IMPORTANT!!!
It’s so much better for him to be upset bc he was not allowed that devastated bc his friend died. They could be the best swimmers but they’re still kids and should be supervised.
NTA. Drowning happens all the time with kids who ‘know how to swim.’ The obvious tragedy of a child dying a preventable death is obviously the biggest issue, but secondarily, as a property owner, you’re probably liable for any incident that takes place in your private pool. No way do you want to take that risk, the stakes are just too high!
NTA. I grew up with a pool in the backyard, and we were not allowed to go swimming without an adult present, until we were teenagers. My sister and I also took Jr Lifeguard lessons when we were 14 and 12. My parents had strict rules about going into the pool area when they were not out there with is. It had a fence and locked gate. One of my neighborhood friends went over the fence and he was banned from swimming in our pool the rest of the Summer.
You absolutely should not have another family’s child swimming unsupervised at your house. NTA.