I (20M) have a brother (18M) and growing up he always saw me as our parents favorite kid. And I think a lot of people saw it that way. But in reality I was the chosen child. My parents paid way more attention to me and were more involved in my life, but they didn’t like me or anything about me. Instead they tried to mold me into the child of their dreams while they ignored my brother.
We were treated differently and he thinks I always had everything I wanted when I got nothing I wanted. My parents moved me from public to private school when I was 7 even though I hated private school and liked my old school. They said I needed the best education. My schedule was filled with extra curricular’s my parents wanted me to take, like football because every young man needs a team sport and the chance to be a star, debate because every young man needs to learn how to hold an argument and fight for what he believes in, piano for the sophistication and swimming because I needed to be more active. I didn’t like any of that stuff or at least not in that context. I live swimming but not competitively and I was forced to be competitive with it. I had no interest in football or piano and when I asked to play different things my parents ignored me. Debate just plain sucked and I wasn’t good at it which meant my parents actually paid people to tutor me in debate. And when I asked to drop it they ignored me. They had a way of not even acknowledging that you spoke even if you repeated yourself over and over.
They bought me a lot of clothes but they chose everything from my shoes to my socks to the actual outfits. I wasn’t allowed to wear sweats outside of the gym or practices. Jeans had to be a certain style. I couldn’t wear character shirts or wear fun socks. Even my underwear was chosen 100% by them and I had zero say. Most of the time they didn’t even take me shopping for the stuff they just gave them to me.
I had obligations to attend their parties with friends where they could show me off and boast about me. But it wasn’t even really me. I wasn’t the amazing football player who was hoping to go pro like they used to suggest. I hated every second of football and I got more injuries because of it. Not that they cared. All the amazing grades for all the amazing classes I took? My classes were chosen by my parents, not me, and it was expected I would get straight A’s in everything and win awards. My brother never saw the time our parents berated me for three hours because I got C’s and D’s when I was 16 because I was so fucking miserable. But they did. They told me how I needed to pull myself together and they knew what they were doing and I just needed to do what they said.
Anytime I got something they didn’t like. Whether it was a book they didn’t want me reading or a poster for something I liked but didn’t get to enjoy at home, they destroyed it. I remember using money someone gave me and buying an Avatar Aang Funko Pop I thought looked cool and I kept it in my room and it took up hardly any space. They broke it and tossed it in the trash and said it was not the kind of thing I should have.
I graduated with grades my parents hated and we fought that day because they saw I had packed up and was leaving. When my brother saw me he thought our parents were sending me somewhere cool and he told me to go fuck myself and die. In reality I was homeless for a while and landed on my feet once I got a trainee position at my job. I’m only now JUST on my feet and none of it had anything to do with my parents. I don’t have access to their money anymore and I don’t want it.
The other week my brother called and he said he was moving in with me and I needed to tell him where. I was like wait what and he started yelling and he told me mom and dad’s golden child doesn’t get to say anything but yes because I need to make all those years where I was the favorite up to him. I told him all the stuff I said here and repeatedly reminded him none of that was true and that the times I brought stuff up to him before I was not lying. He told me he didn’t believe me and said I needed to stop pretending and I’m an AH if I won’t help him because he deserves that and more from me.
But I won’t let him stay just to treat me like shit and I told him that and all he said was I was a spoiled asshole.
AITA?
Comments
NTA. Write him off as family just like your parents. You don’t have capacity to take care of him and his resentment.
NTA. He has already formed an image of you that imagined, and will not listen to your real story. Might as well go limited contact with him. He will probably take a while before he listens to your side of the story.
NTA, wow just wow. some people should not be parents. Sorry you went through that. Live your life, enjoy what you like!
NAH. You were indeed your parents favorite. Do you know how this could have impacted your brother negatively??? At the end of the day, he is just a victim of your parents stupidity. I hope that he is able to get away from their clutches.
You’re not wrong for protecting your peace. Your brother’s anger should really be directed at your parents, not at you. If you let him stay and he still resents you, it could just bring more conflict into your space. You’ve just started building your independence and stability—don’t compromise that to carry the weight of your parents’ choices.
You don’t owe your brother anything. If he feels owed then it is his parents who owe him. It doesn’t make sense he would be so entitled if his parents always neglected him.
NTA. He only wants to use you for his own gains like your parents did. Write him off.
NTA – but he probably can figure out where you live. You may need to notify your landlord or roommates to not let someone in your apartment.
He is as much of an AH as your parents. Don’t tell him where you are or let him move in. If he wants to leave that hellhole with your lunatic parents, he can do what you did and get a job and find his own place to live.
You escaped from that prison, you are free, you owe NOBODY anything except for yourself and a chance to heal and find yourself and the things that bring you joy and your own path through life.
He is an adult, nobody owes him shit, he needs to pull his finger out of his a$$ and take responsibility for his life like you did.
If he wants to be angry at any, it should be his parents.
You were as much of a victim as he was. The audacity of insulting you while demanding that you let him live with you is as fucked up as what your parents did to you
NTA
Even if your parents favored you and you loved it- you still don’t owe him. They abused you both. They owe him. Not you. He doesn’t get to be an entitled little shit because mummy didn’t love him.
So you’re brother ignores your words as much as your parents. You don’t need that in your life. Let him suffer, he can figure it out on his own just like you did.
Just don’t tell him where you live. Block that whole side of your “family.” The entitlement of your brother to say, “you have no say” in who lives with you is astounding.
You literally owe nothing to any of them.
NTA. Block and don’t cave. The peace you have now is hard-earned and should not be given away so easily.
Raising a wary hand: actually rescuing your brother from these horrible people, allowing him to live with you, might give you both the chance to get to know one another as who you really are. It’ll probably take a while for his resentment to get out of the way, but it could happen.
Maybe it would be nice for you to have a brother?
NTA.
Block and move on. He has created an entire story around you, and he’s not willing to change that story. You are the villain. Well, be the villain and keep living your separate life.
I wish you all the peace and happiness and SUCCESS you deserve. And I hope you create a solid found family who can fill the holes in your heart.
NTA. You’ve nothing to apologize for, nor is he worth it. You’ve no relationship with him nor does it seem like you want one. Live your best life
Tell him everything. All of it. And if can’t see that you were as abused as he is, THEN drop him from your life. Oh yeh, NTA
I don’t think either or you are, but your brother has had a bad view of you and that’s clouding his judgement. Your parents are though.
He saw you being spoilt. He hasn’t seen the impact on you due to his jealousy. This is understandable.
It makes me wonder what your parents have been saying to him once you left. If they’ve been berating him, comparing the two of you, he will still have this negative opinion of you.
Do you want a relationship with your brother? Maybe meeting up and talking could be a good start if you do.
It will take time for him to get past the prejudice he feels, and you definitely should not let him move in.
Your family clearly has a problem with idealised personal narratives. I doubt they’d recognise reality if it smacked them in the face.
I wanted to give my condolences to your avatar funko but reddit has decided his name is bad language?!
NTA. Your family sucks and you owe them nothing. Block his number and keep moving forward with your life.
NTA cut him off.
NTA. Don’t do it.
NTA. I had a somewhat similar experience in that I was expected to make my mom look good through academic success and maintaining the house, but my sister was the favorite to the point of my mom making me homeless in the middle of winter to appease my sister. She later asked me to pay her mortgage while I was still homeless / couch surfing and cried when I said no 🙄
I would say block him and move on because he likely won’t change and if he does, it won’t be any time soon. My sister had me kicked out and expected me to pay for, drive, load, and unload the uhaul for her to move into our mom’s house; she had a meltdown when she found out she was blocked and my mom tried to guilt me about it. The only thing that makes me happy about it all now is that they’re making each other miserable without their ATM / live-in housekeeper / punching bag as a buffer and I’m healing and thriving far away from it all.
block, ignore and MOVE ON.
NTA at all!
Your brother is taking out his anger to the wrong person. He’s really angry at your parents for ignoring him, and he has every single right to be, but he says he has the right for you to make up for him. That’s your parent’s job, not yours
Your brother can believe or not what you told him and that’s his choice. But even if his perception was the correct one, you where the golden one, you’re not the one that has to make it up to him. That’s your parent’s job
Is to no surprise that he calls you names for not obeying his orders. And you are so fed up of orders! You are doing the right thing not letting him move with you, because if you let him this one, this will be a cascade of “you have to do/give me stuff because you owe me”
You don’t owe him a things. Your parents do
This reminds me of the song “perfect” by Alanis Morrisette. “I’ll live through you and make you what i never was”
Arrange to meet your brother somewhere neutral (a cafe or a park) and explain your side of the story. Tell him how you’re paying for your own place and that you hated being pushed into everything your parents wanted for you.
If he’s too argumentative and angry disengage and keep him low contact. It sounds like he’s working out his anger too and maybe felt abandoned by you
His resentment is misdirected at you and not your psychotic parents.
Ignore,block, move on
Your brother’s anger and resentment is clouding his reality. He needs to talk to your parents about why he feels deprived. Having him move in with you is going to cause more problems than it solves. NTA
Your brother is delusional and you should suggest to him to seek counselling as he is obviously traumatised by your parents poor parenting skills.
NTA – you don’t owe him anything. He should take all his resentment and direct it and your parents. Keep low contact with him. But you literally don’t owe him anything much less your time.