When I was 19 I came out as bi. It wasn’t some big announcement I just wanted to live without hiding. My younger brother was 17. He said he was cool with it and that it didn’t change anything. I believed him
But behind my back he told our dad I was just experimenting and doing it for attention. He went through my phone without permission and showed our dad private texts I’d sent to friends. He framed it like concern but it felt more like he was trying to stir things up
Our dad was already conservative and emotionally distant. After that things cracked. He stopped looking me in the eye. Stopped asking about my life. I tried reaching out but he kept pulling away. Over time we barely spoke. Family dinners were tense. Phone calls felt forced. The closeness we had before was gone
It took almost a decade for things to shift. My dad eventually apologized and said he’d been wrong. We’ve been slowly rebuilding but it’s still fragile and sometimes uncomfortable
Last month my brother called. He lost his job and asked if he could crash at my apartment for a few months. I told him no. Not because I want revenge but because I still don’t trust him. I told him what he did had consequences. That it wasn’t just a mistake he actively sabotaged one of the most important relationships in my life
He said I was being dramatic that it was teenage immaturity and I needed to let it go but teenage immaturity is sneaking out or skipping class. What he did was betrayal. He ruined my identity and I paid the price for almost ten years
Now my mom says I’m heartless. That I’m holding a grudge. That family helps family. But where was that family when I was being pushed out emotionally. When my brother went behind my back and turned my dad against me
I’m not trying to punish him. I just don’t want to share space with someone who once decided my truth was inconvenient enough to use against me
AITA for saying no to someone who helped destroy a relationship I spent years trying to repair?
Comments
NTA. If your mom thinks family helps family? He can move in with her.
Nta….nope and anyone that has an issue he can live with them. It really sounds like he hasn’t changed very much and it’s likely you would have trouble getting him to leave. Is he going to go through your things now and show it to family. Absolutely not!
NTA. You don’t need him in your life.
>He said I was being dramatic that it was teenage immaturity and I needed to let it go but teenage immaturity is sneaking out or skipping class. What he did was betrayal.
And I bet he has yet to apologize for this ‘teenage immaturity’, is still trying to downplay the consequences of this ‘teenage immaturity’ and therefore proves that this ‘teenage immaturity’ is still his personality. He isn’t even willing to acknowledge what he’s done, and has decided he should be allowed access to your personal space again because it’s convenient to him. How on earth are you expected to trust him?
He’s definitely going to spy and snitch and make your life miserable. NTA.
Nta
Everyone that did something incredibly malicious as teens likes to use that as an excuse. Being an asshole as a Teen is pretty normal, being an actively malicious monster is not. Most teens don’t go out of their way to destroy someones life.
NTA. It was a concentrated effort to undermine you which damaged your relationship with your father for years.
Your brother should be asking “How can I make it up to you?”, not minimizing it. Of course, insulting the person he desperately needs a favor from shows a pretty significant lack of judgment.
Your mom is an enabler of bad behavior. No wonder your brother didn’t learn to take accountability. Your heart is fine. It’s her parenting abilities and moral compass which could use recalibrating.
NTA.
NTA
Why is it that the family members who preach about “family helping family” are NEVER the ones to open their homes…
NTA ask your mom why tf she don’t let him live with her since family helps family. It took 10 years for your dad to apologize. What your brother did wasn’t teenage immaturity. He was jealous point blank period. He wanted you to be pushed away from the family helps played on the fact that your dad was conservative.
Imagine if you was to let him stay with you next thing u kno he gonna tell the family he seen you come home with a male and female on different occasions?
Your mum says YOURE heartless? Her husband emotionally neglected you. Her son sabotaged your familial relationships, and she did what? Sit there twiddling her thumbs? She has no right to preach family obligations when she happily sat aside while you struggled. She can take care of her adult child. Nta
NTA…………..Brother has proven track record of abusing you. He is reckless and not a safe person to have in your home.
Hell…NO. He is a 27 year old+ adult…..he has to live with his choices…..like an adult.
Don’t let him in. Mom can take him in
NTA at all
As you wisely say, this is not about holding a grudge but about you don’t trust him. Trust is earned, it doesn’t come with the rain. Actually it’s very risky if he stays with you, because you don’t know if he changed his gossip habits over your private life, and it has taken you 10 years to slowly rebuild the one with your father
Tell your mom that she should show some heart and let his baby stay with her.
And Mom or Dad aren’t options for him to ‘crash with for a few months’?