So for some context: I (35M) and my wife (33F) are both immigrants from Latin America. We’ve been in the US for over a decade now, both have stable jobs, are citizens, and we have a son (6M) who was born here.
Our neighbors have a son the same age, and the boys often play together in the yard. We thought everything was fine until a few weeks ago when I overheard something that really bothered me. The boys were playing on our porch, and I was inside with the window open. I heard the neighbor’s kid ask my son if it was true that he was an “anchor baby,” because “that’s what my dad says you are.”
I was pretty stunned and hurt. My son didn’t really seem to understand what it meant, so he just kind of laughed it off, but I could tell he was confused.
I didn’t confront the neighbor right then, but after talking it over with my wife, we decided we didn’t want our son around that kind of attitude. So when they invited him to the neighbor kid’s birthday party last weekend, I politely declined and said we had other plans.
Well, yesterday the neighbor came over while I was working in the yard and basically confronted me, asking why our son wasn’t at the party. I tried to keep it vague and just said we were busy, but he pushed, so I finally told him the truth: that I’d heard what his son said, and it was clear it came from things he’d said at home, and we didn’t want our son exposed to that.
He got defensive and said I was being overly sensitive, that it was just “kids repeating stuff,” and that I was punishing his kid over a misunderstanding. Now I’m second-guessing myself. My wife says we did the right thing protecting our son from casual racism, but part of me wonders if we overreacted or should have just had a calm discussion instead.
So, Reddit, AITA for not letting my kid go to the party because of what I overheard?
Edit: To be clear I am asking if im TA for preventing my kid from going to the birthday. I am obviously mad at the racism but I am conflicted about cutting off his friend as a result of adult problems
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So for some context: I (35M) and my wife (33F) are both immigrants from Latin America. We’ve been in the US for over a decade now, both have stable jobs, are citizens, and we have a son (6M) who was born here.
Our neighbors have a son the same age, and the boys often play together in the yard. We thought everything was fine until a few weeks ago when I overheard something that really bothered me. The boys were playing on our porch, and I was inside with the window open. I heard the neighbor’s kid ask my son if it was true that he was an “anchor baby,” because “that’s what my dad says you are.”
I was pretty stunned and hurt. My son didn’t really seem to understand what it meant, so he just kind of laughed it off, but I could tell he was confused.
I didn’t confront the neighbor right then, but after talking it over with my wife, we decided we didn’t want our son around that kind of attitude. So when they invited him to the neighbor kid’s birthday party last weekend, I politely declined and said we had other plans.
Well, yesterday the neighbor came over while I was working in the yard and basically confronted me, asking why our son wasn’t at the party. I tried to keep it vague and just said we were busy, but he pushed, so I finally told him the truth: that I’d heard what his son said, and it was clear it came from things he’d said at home, and we didn’t want our son exposed to that.
He got defensive and said I was being overly sensitive, that it was just “kids repeating stuff,” and that I was punishing his kid over a misunderstanding. Now I’m second-guessing myself. My wife says we did the right thing protecting our son from casual racism, but part of me wonders if we overreacted or should have just had a calm discussion instead.
So, Reddit, AITA for not letting my kid go to the party because of what I overheard?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> preventing my kid from going to the party may have been an overreaction and I don’t want to have my kid involved in adult problems
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You’re looking out for your kid, and that’s important. Kids repeat what they hear, but it’s on the parents. A calm talk with the neighbor could help later, but you did the right thing.
NTA. You are correct that at least one of that kids parents are racist and bad-mouthing your family. And the nerve of the parent to call you “overly sensitive” — justifying their racism and making you the problem for not liking it!
Even so, I’m not so sure that you protected your child from anything by keeping him from the party. He probably would have enjoyed going. And you can’t keep your kid protected from all that’s bad in the world. You just have to help them learn how to deal with it.
NTA… You’re protecting your kid. Casual racism can become outright racism or worse really quick
Your neighbor is the AH. Of course kids repeat things they hear but if it wasn’t him saying it, then why did he get so defensive? You and your wife did the right thing in protecting your child. NTA OP
INFO: Did your son still want to go to that party after you explained things to him?
Reminder: The racist isn’t the counter-party in this situation. OP’s son is.
“You’re being overly sensitive”
“No, I just don’t tolerate racism.”
Kids can only repeat stuff if they hear it from somewhere. NTA.
NTA but this isn’t how I would have handled things. I would have spoken directly to the kid in question and kindly and calmly explained the term is meant to be offensive and we are all legal citizens. Children can be taught racism and kindness.
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NTA but I think it would have been more wise to confront the parent calmly as soon as you heard what you did. Rather than waiting for the event and making it vague at first why your son wasn’t attending. It might have brought some shame upon the neighbors and humbled them to be called out kindly after their kid was unkind and they made bad assumptions.
I say this as someone who’s handled a lot of conflict the wrong way, I’m learned immediately confronting as soon as I’m calm and can handle it yields vest outcomes. Putting it off until it comes out isnt helpful. “Conflict deferred is conflict amplified.”
Still, NTA.
NTA and also good for you calling him out.
He tried to deflect, but he felt safe saying disrespectful things about you and your family behind closed doors. The wake-up call that that attitude is unacceptable and unneighborly is something he needs to hear.
Hopefully it leads to some self reflection. His dismissal isn’t a good sign, but if at some point he sincerely apologizes, you could consider accepting it.
In the meantime, you are right not to grace him with the gift of your family’s presence.
NTA — He’s trying to guilt you by hiding behind the kids. You are protecting your child from the man who confronted you. You have every right to do so as a parent. If he were being realistic, he would look at the situation as it actually is: He cost his child a friend.
He’s gaslighting you; you did the right thing. Yes, it’s “just kids repeating sutff” but it’s stuff that he himself said and it’s not unreasonable for you to protect your child from that kind of behaviour. Racism isn’t a misunderstanding.
Edit to add: NTA
NTA. The phrase anchor baby is not a commonly used one, so the child did not mishear anything. And him saying kids repeating stuff doesn’t address who felt comfortable enough to talk like that around a kid? Besides a casual racist. Your job is to keep your child safe for as long as you can while preparing them for the world. Not to help your neighbour feel comfortable with his casual racism. He’s the type to say he’s not racist because he gets along soooo well with his latino neighbours.
NTA, I would have gone and done something else with my kid. Also, I wouldn’t have probably given the neighbor an answer other than we had plans cuz it’s none of their business and they don’t get to demand answers for my saying no. An invite is not an obligation. My life doesn’t stop for your party. I’d also talk to my kid and explain the situation if age appropriate and let them decide if they want to hang out with the neighbor kid.
NTA. Neighbor’s defensive reaction confirms you made the right call.
Yes, kids repeat stuff, and it’s not always from home. And a kid that age has no idea what he’s repeating.
BUT, if my child (even unknowingly) said something racist, I would be horrified and apologetic, and this would prompt me to have several talks with my kid about the meaning of words and why we don’t say things like that and how that was unkind. I would educate my child, not defend/downplay the behavior.
That the neighbor’s reaction was “what’s your problem, you’re overreacting” would be all I would need to know to confirm I should distance myself and my child.
Oh, goodie, A brand new period it I’ve term. Like we need more.
No, you are not unreasonable. One of the things that amazes me about the US Military is that we can put our troops is practically every nation on this earth and still have racist filth like this so incredibly gumming up the works. The military doesn’t want these people, they’re just making things hard for others, and trust me, the military life needs no assistance in being sucky. Pin these idiots to the wall and thank you for every thing you do to help your nation!
NTA and you’re not punishing his child you are protecting your own.
Your child doesn’t understand these things now but he will in the future and if they are saying things like that around their son, about your son then what else is he being exposed to? They could be saying other crass things about your family, your culture/ethnicity, other cultures/ ethnicities, which may be in turn repeated to your son.
Your job is to protect him and try to limit his exposure to toxic ideas and people whilst he is young, you don’t want them to damage his self esteem or view of the world so young.
You did a hard, but good thing, imo.
NTA. You’re not banning the kids from playing together, you simply don’t feel comfortable having your child in the home of, and around individuals who have those kinds of beliefs. You were protecting your child, and handled it respectfully and in a way intended to not hurt feelings or escalate the situation. Your neighbor is a giant AH for attempting to escalate and berate your family for having alternate plans. I’m willing to bet that your child was not the only one NOT to attend due to conflicting plans, just like I bet your neighbor didn’t aggressively confront those parents about it.
NTA
> it was just “kids repeating stuff,”
THE PROBLEM IS THAT HE’S HEARING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
NTA “it was just “kids repeating stuff,” and that I was punishing his kid over a misunderstanding.”
Please tell me how calling your son an anchor baby could possibly be a misunderstanding? It’s crass and derogatory. No other way to interpret….
“I’m not punishing your kid over a ‘misunderstanding’, I’m protecting my child from hurtful statements and racism.” NTA
NTA. Yeah it was kids repeating stuff; his kid repeating the thing that he said. If it had been taken out of context and he wasn’t a racist, he would have been absolutely horrified and apologetic. He is not someone you want your child around.
Yikes. NTA. That kid repeated that from an adult. I just had to google it. Good call not sending your kid to the party.
NTA. They aren’t safe people. That’s all you need to know.
You’re not TA. The neighbor has no business saying things like that. Even if he/she thinks their child is not in the room. It’s racist and in 2025 we’re not letting casual racism be taught to our young impressionable children. That’s absolutely not ok. Your neighbors kid will likely grow up to be TA child of TA who was taught to say things like to be is ok.
Nta,
You’re not punishing his son. His behavior was being watched & then his son repeated what he saw. He’s upset you’re not letting this roll off you. I believe your action speak for themselves & if he doesn’t like being labeled a racist then don’t behave like one. Stay strong.
“just kids repeating stuff” repeating stuff from home….
Maybe the kid is a decent kid but now you don’t know. NTA
NTA — casual racism is as painful as outright racism. Possibly even moreso bc it’s sneaky. Yes, that child repeated what they heard. From their parent(s). You’re not punishing that child; you’re protecting YOUR child from the racist parent(s).
NTA. No 6 year old will know the racist and xenophobic term anchor baby on their own. The neighbor’s kid heard this somewhere. If you wish to do so you could point out your citizenship,didn’t come from your son, you are citizens in your own right. Or you could just grey rock them. NTA but your gaslighting neighbor sure is.
NTA.
NTA- what’s an anchor baby? Either way I’m assuming it’s something not nice towards you guys. The kid heard it and is repeating it and the culprit is more than likely the parents.
NTA. I would let your son play with the neighbor’s kid in the yard or in your house, but I wouldn’t want my child going into that environment without me being there.
NTA, but if he offers a sincere apology and admits fault, then maybe your kid can go to next year’s party.
Yes
NTA. You’re in a difficult position, because you want your child to have friends, but the reality is that you are absolutely right to want to keep your child away from racists. It sucks, but you did the right thing.
NTA. Note the fact he didn’t deny it.
NTA. I can’t believe his defense was “yeah, that’s just my kid repeating how we’ve been talking about you at home.” 🙄 Yes sir, and that’s why we’re keeping him away from your home!
NTA. I’m a Latina immigrant- I would never let my child around people who spew that type of racism against any group. Good for you for protecting your son from that bigotry- I would stay away from that family and be honest with anyone who asks why you weren’t at the party or why you’ve separated yourselves. If they don’t feel they’ve said anything wrong then they should have no problem with your honesty.
NTA, you don’t need your child around that bullshit. Also … “that’s just a kid repeating things”?? Where exactly is he hearing it to repeat it … hmmm??
NTA
Nta, you did the right thing. They need to see how their attitudes affect others including their own family. This country is at a very critical point in time where an entire generation will either rise above or be defined by xenophobia. To make it the former they need to see the damage done to their community. It’s too bad your 6 year-old loses a friend in all of this but unfortunately nobody will get through this without experiencing loss.
You weren’t punishing his son. You were protecting your son from racism. NTA
As an old white guy, there is no way I could call you an AH. But the kid’s family cared enough to invite your son to their son’s birthday party, and were concerned enough to ask you about it when your son didn’t come. Maybe that family is racist, or maybe their son really was just repeating stuff he’d heard from other kids.
You don’t say whether your son was disappointed to miss the party, but keeping him away from his friends doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.
NTA
NTA. It’s a long shot but maybe your neighbor will rethink some things now that his child has to suffer the consequences of his actions. Clearly, his son missed his friend if he decided to come over and talk about it. His reaction to the truth is very telling, though. No apology, just defensiveness. Don’t let that make you question yourself.
You protected your kid. There’s a chance that he could be mistreated by the parents of his friend, even unknowingly. You know that better than us, I’m sure. Tbh, children already get shit treatment from many adults when it comes to things like respecting boundaries, bodily autonomy, etc. I wouldn’t let my child near someone who has already shown a lack of respect for their personhood. You did the right thing for your child, even if they didn’t get to experience the momentary pleasures of a birthday party.
NTA. The parent’s response was way off. If the response had been they didn’t pick that up at home, or from us, and I will talk to him immediately to make him understand what that means, you probably would have been okay with them.
NTA. You can’t be too careful in the US today. This guy could get pissed at you and the next day, you could have ICE at your door. Doesn’t even matter if you are here legally. Plus, your kid does not need to be subjected to these micro aggressions.
I don’t think you should punish your son for their behavior. Unfortunate learning opportunity
NTA Your neighbor was embarrassed and caught off guard that their son repeated a racist comment he had made at home. And to his horror, you overheard it!!
You’re not being sensitive Op, your neighbors are racist & it’s a parents job to protect their children.
I personally would have confronted the neighbor shortly thereafter. Soon, enough after it happened but long enough that I had calm and able to have a conversation with the neighbor about it.
You didn’t need to be vague in any explanation, to the contrary, you should have let him have it full blast! Maybe that would be an educational experience for your neighbor, if they’re white, they may not understand how offensive this can be! Especially when combined with POC.
Remember that racism is ignorance.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, blessings to your beautiful family! May God always protect you.
Hi! I think maybe you are assuming too much. I think it much more likely the neighbor kid heard the term on Social media and was just testing it out. Sadly, kids today spend way more time on the internet than with their parents.
If the kids were friends up to this point then your child (and you?) may be an important and positive influence on the neighbor kid.
First, you need to have a serious sit-down conversation with your own child and prepare him for the realities of racist comments. This is the best sort of protection you can provide, rather than just severing the kids’ friendship without explanation.
Second, for the foreseeable future I would make a point to be present and actively supervising whenever the kids are interacting.
It’s more work but maybe it’s worth doing for truly preparing your child for life in the real world.
Racism stems from ignorance. Please take the time and make the effort to stamp it out before it takes root. It will pay dividends for both the kids down the road.
Best of luck to all!
NTA. Did you let him know you are a citizen?
“just kids repeating stuff” well at least he’s an honest racist. NTA
NTA.
“…He got defensive and said I was being overly sensitive…”
He wasn’t even man enough to own what he said. Instead you are being overly sensitive to a racist comment.
”…that it was just “kids repeating stuff…”
Yes, this is exactly how kids become racist adults. They listen and learn from their parents or other adult “role models”
”…and that I was punishing his kid over a misunderstanding…”
No, you are doing your job which is the protect your child as much as possible from bigotry and hate. There was no misunderstanding
His kid’s feelings are not your problem. This asshole didn’t even have the decency to apologize for what he said. He doesn’t even care that your son was probably confused or hurt by what his kid said?
Your son isn’t an object for his kids entertainment. Too many children of color have their childhood cut short or stolen because of comments like this.
Keep protecting your son for as long as possible.
NTA. Your neighbor is a racist and is teaching his son to be a racist too. Protect your family from this BS. If the guy comes to you with a sincere and authentic apology, you might let the boys play together occasionally, but always with supervision.
You are NTA. These are racist and unsafe people. It’s bullshit that he accosted YOU!!!
NTA. The kid learned it still home.
Good move OP.