My mom (52F) and I (22F) have had a complicated relationship ever since I met my husband (25M) 6 years ago. For the past 6 years, my mom has been accusing my husband for being “bad for me” or “abusive” after countless arguments about how he is not.
She said that he’s taken my freedom away by buying me a car (it’s in his name because my credit was garbage at the time) and I set a boundary about her coming into our place because he didn’t want anyone in our apartment that wasn’t us. She sent me countless unsolicited articles of “how to tell your relationship is abusive” and if I didn’t text her in a 72 hour period she thought I was Gaby Petito (her words not mine) and would text me questions about my childhood that only I would know the answers too. It was getting pretty extreme and I went through YEARS of it. It got so bad that we got married at the courthouse without even telling her.
Now let me tell you guys. My husband had done NOTHING to deserve any of it. He has never hit me, never verbally abused me. Literally nothing. We have gone through the trenches and back together. He has held us up financially for years. So much so that I was able to be practically unemployed for the majority of my pregnancy. He has been a saint for me and every time I tell people this story they ask why was she acting like that? And honestly I don’t have an answer. I’ve tried asking her and frankly she doesn’t have one either.
All the drama finally stopped when I was pregnant and I thought that she had finally came to her senses but she was just bottling it all up and at 2 months postpartum she randomly called me up and spent 2 hours on the phone just belittling every aspect of my relationship with my husband. I let her get her words out and essentially said nothing and hung up. Later that week I texted her and basically said if you can’t respect the father of my son then you can’t see my son. He was two months old back then and now he’s about to be 18 months and he hasn’t seen her at all.
I do feel guilty about ripping my mom’s first grandchild away from her and I do feel bad for my son for never being able to meet her so I guess that’s why I’m here so AITA?
Edit: I’ve been seeing a lot of your guys comments and it’s based around the same two things so let me clear some stuff up….People are allowed into our apartment. We’ve had friends over, my siblings, most of his family. It was more like he didn’t want her over because of everything she had said in the past.
AND for the second one… I know our age gap is extreme. Not that it makes it any better but I was 17 and he was 19 about to be 20 when we met. We didn’t start dating until 18 and 21…plus he was out of state in the military for the majority of our friendship. And then when he got back home we started dating.
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My mom (52F) and I (22F) have had a complicated relationship ever since I met my husband (25M) 6 years ago. For the past 6 years, my mom has been accusing my husband for being “bad for me” or “abusive” after countless arguments about how he is not.
She said that he’s taken my freedom away by buying me a car (it’s in his name because my credit was garbage at the time) and I set a boundary about her coming into our place because he didn’t want anyone in our apartment that wasn’t us. She sent me countless unsolicited articles of “how to tell your relationship is abusive” and if I didn’t text her in a 72 hour period she thought I was Gaby Petito (her words not mine) and would text me questions about my childhood that only I would know the answers too. It was getting pretty extreme and I went through YEARS of it. It got so bad that we got married at the courthouse without even telling her.
Now let me tell you guys. My husband had done NOTHING to deserve any of it. He has never hit me, never verbally abused me. Literally nothing. We have gone through the trenches and back together. He has held us up financially for years. So much so that I was able to be practically unemployed for the majority of my pregnancy. He has been a saint for me and every time I tell people this story they ask why was she acting like that? And honestly I don’t have an answer. I’ve tried asking her and frankly she doesn’t have one either.
All the drama finally stopped when I was pregnant and I thought that she had finally came to her senses but she was just bottling it all up and at 2 months postpartum she randomly called me up and spent 2 hours on the phone just belittling every aspect of my relationship with my husband. I let her get her words out and essentially said nothing and hung up. Later that week I texted her and basically said if you can’t respect the father of my son then you can’t see my son. He was two months old back then and now he’s about to be 18 months and he hasn’t seen her at all.
I do feel guilty about ripping my mom’s first grandchild away from her and I do feel bad for my son for never being able to meet her so I guess that’s why I’m here so AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I ripped my mom’s first grandchild away from her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I get a bad vibe from your husband just from reading about how he doesn’t allow any visitors to your apartment and the fawning, worship full way you talk about him.
Not the asshole, honestly get a restraining order against your mother. Because she clearly manipulates you, and block her.
Your husband not wanting anyone in your apartment besides you sounds very controlling. Why doesn’t he want your mom in your apartment?
Maybe her dislike of him started when you met him – since you were only 16 and he was 19. Gross.
INFO
Edit: It’s also been pointed out that you met your husband when you were 16 he was 19. According to you, your mother has been telling you how abusive he is to you for the past six years… aka, since you were 16.. she had a right to be concerned at the age gap when you were 16. Also, how did you get a bad credit score at such a young age, with a kind, caring man at your side, protecting you?
Edit #2: If I’m understanding the timeline correctly, you were pregnant at 20 (possibly 19), probably got married before that, and had a bad credit score and are living in a “he doesn’t want anyone else inside” apartment before that, possibly at 18ish or so?
I’m getting some red flags about your husband. No people in your apartment? You fawning over his actions? Red flags galore here. Do you not have friends? Does he not have friends? Do they not visit? What about his family? Do they not visit?
Him not wanting anyone else on the apartment sounds like he’s possibly trying to cut you off from people. Your description of finances sounds like it could be the beginning of financial abuse. Either you haven’t done a great job of describing your relationship, or your mother is right to have some concerns.
YTA to yourself by staying with a controlling and abusive man. Take your child and run.
With all due respect, your husband does sound like a bit of a red flag. I mean, who bans ALL people from a home besides the occupants? The timeline of your relationship is also rather alarming…
All I see are red flags. Why does he not want anyone else in the apartment? At 22, what kind of “trenches” has your relationship been through? You were still a child when you began dating. Honestly, your mom might be right.
Updateme
So, some commentors have picked up on a couple somewhat concerning things from your description. I’m not as concerned as some of them (and even if your mother is right to be concerned, she’s handling this badly, so don’t take this as being on her side), but I will make one suggestion. Those lists of signs of an abusive relationship? Read through one or two. If nothing sounds familiar then it’ll be reassuring. If something does, take it as food for thought.
Honey, you are in an abusive relationship and are refusing to see it. You’re mom sees it, though.
Not really an AH for wanting to raise your child without the interference of people. However, your post screams of red flags everywhere in every relationship that you have, both with your husband and your mother. What are you going to do when your child is old enough to go to school? Your mother could show up to school and try to take him. Not trying to scare you, but something you need to come to a realization about. You and your husband need to be completely transparent and he needs to let people into the house, and your mom needs to back off. There is just so much going on in this situation involving your son and yourself that I am worried for all of you.
INFO I’m curious, when did he buy you this car? How did your credit get so bad at a young age that you couldn’t buy a car? And do you truly not have anyone at your home? Like, no friends? No neighbours? Are you allowed to have handymen or workers in the home without him there? Like if you need a plumber and he is at work, is that going to be an issue? I feel like we need so much more info about this situation.
Why doesn’t he want anyone in your home? That’s really strange.
INFO: So you’ve been with this man since you were 16 years old…? You were in high school and he was 19? Yikes.
I don’t see where you wrote it but other commenters have mentioned you said that you aren’t allowed to have any guests in your home.
Based on those two things alone, I’m hesitant to call your mom an AH here. Sounds like there are legitimate concerns, and you singing your husband’s praises so intently leads me to believe that there is a lot more going on here.
A 19 year old going after a 16 year old? Yikes
I’m sorry, but your mom sounds right. I understand not wanting to admit that, but I would be prepared to eventually admit it. Your age gap is sus.
If he ain’t hitting you now, he will be soon now that you’ve lost your final escape and you’ve got a babe on your hip. Best of luck to you
Your mom’s behavior is not the best, but it is coming from a deep place of concern, which I think she has the right to be. As others have said, there are many red flags. Some points to consider—
Know that there are other forms of abuse besides physical abuse. Financial abuse is also a thing. And even if he isn’t abusive, there is a power imbalance. As others have said, I’d read the articles your mom sent and see if anything sounds familiar. While she may seem overbearing, she is trying to look out for you.
What’s your mom’s motivation here? You say she doesn’t give you any reasons, but you also say she spent two hours giving you reasons. What are they? It’s highly unlikely your mom would risk pushing you away for no reason. Not even looking at the red flags others have pointed out, this alone leads me to believe there’s more to this story. You were a kid when you got with him. Trust your mom, read the articles, ask your friends what they think (if he hasn’t removed your friends from your life as well), go over what she said in your mind. She’s telling you this stuff for a reason. She loves you and is trying to protect you. I think you’re cutting out the wrong person, much as you are afraid to admit it to yourself.
ETA gentle YTA.