I’m (23f) the second youngest of six kids. It goes Bran (31m), Kat (29f), Jax (27m), Sam (26m), me and Leo (22m). My relationship with my brothers is solid. I’m closest with Leo and Jax but have a great relationship with all my brothers truly. But my relationship with my sister was always difficult to say the least.
Kat has been clear since we were kids that she didn’t mind having brothers but hated having a sister and she took it out on me. When the rest of us wanted to play together she’d join in but ignore me. Whenever we split into teams she refused to be on mine. If we went anywhere and had to buddy up she’d cling to one of the boys and refuse to be mine. Our parents used to pay her and Bran extra allowance to take the rest of us to the park and she’d completely ignore me and would tell Bran I was all his responsibility. Whenever one of our brothers needed help she’d offer but if it was me she’d ignore a request for help.
Vacations were so not fun because as the only girls we’d share a rook and she hated that. Our parents told her she did not get to treat me like some contagious disease and told her to be nice. That we didn’t need to be close but there was zero excuse for making disgusted faces or getting mad at me for existing. Our parents had her in therapy too and for a brief period they tried to get us in family therapy with them.
Whenever anyone would ask her what her problem was with me she’d say she never wanted a sister. Bran used to tell her she was being a brat and hurting my feelings but she told him straight that she didn’t give a crap about my feelings. When I was bullied in middle school for not being as pretty as Kat she actually looked so happy about it. That stuff started when she was like 18/19 and I was like 12/13. Even now saying that sounds so weird but she loved that other people thought she was better looking than me.
When she’d come home from college and stuff she’d ignore me. She brought souvenirs for our parents and brothers but nothing for me. And come Christmas she only got them gifts. Come my birthday she never made the effort to call, send a card or nothing but she made the effort for all our brothers birthdays and our parents birthdays.
I wasn’t invited to her wedding. That turned into a huge fight. I told the rest of our family I wouldn’t like to go now anyway. There was a lot of discussion about whether they should go and I told them it was okay if they did go and I didn’t want them to regret not going on my behalf. They only went for the ceremony and our parents refused to give her any money toward her wedding. I know they’re still glad they went despite the issues.
Whenever I see her I still get the cold shoulder. Only now she’s expecting her first kid and the baby’s due in a month. I was invited to her shower but that wasn’t directly from her. I chose not to go or send anything. When my parents found out they told me it was a chance for me to try and improve the relationship so I could at least be in the baby’s life. I said I don’t need to be in the baby’s life and they said I should want to. I told them that I didn’t really and that was honest. Maybe if Kat and I were a little closer but I don’t see her kid(s) and I ever having much to do with each other. And I could see Kat poisoning them against me. Plus a one sided effort is not worth much anyway.
My parents think I should try before I give up. They say she’s about to grow now that she’s becoming a mom.
AITA?
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NTA. Your parents are being incredibly unfair and unreasonable.
Your sister never bothered to have a relationship with your during your entire childhood and treated you like a second class citizen but the adults never did anything about it.
Now that she is about to pop a kid they expect you to give a flying f about her because what ?
You don’t owe you sister or parents anything.
She made it clear she only had brothers , the baby will have uncles she can rely on , it’s not like she didn’t had any family there for her.
You’ve fought this battle with your sister your entire childhood without anyone standing up for you , they don’t have the right to ask you to stand up for your sister and build a one sided relationship to feed their fantasy because your sister is now pregnant.
The child don’t suddenly erase nor change how she treated you for years and years and never apologized for it.
You have your own life going Kat and her pregnancy are not your problem and not an excuse to fix something that what never there to begin with .
Just because someone throws breadcrumbs at your feet does not mean you need to eat them, especially when you have the ability to get sustenance elsewhere.
NTA, I get it, who’d want to force a bond with someone who’s been cold as ice all their life?
NTA
Your parents are to blame. It was their job to handle this properly when you were born. They didn’t. Kat was allowed to dig her heels in and obsess about this to the degree that it informed her personality to this extent. That’s on them. The fact that they are now bullying you into letting her bully you more is disgraceful. Shame on them.
I do hope that she doesn’t have a daughter that she abuses.
NTA. If the behavior had stopped once your sister became an adult, I might say you should consider letting it go. Sibling relationships can evolve—it’s not uncommon to grow closer over time, even if things were rough during childhood.
But the fact that she continued this behavior into adulthood and didn’t even invite you to her wedding? That’s a major red flag. I honestly don’t understand why anyone in your family would expect you to attend her baby shower. This doesn’t sound like “giving up”—it sounds like a natural response to the way you have been treated.
I do wonder if there’s some missing context, though. It’s odd that your parents are pressuring you, especially if they were upset enough about the wedding snub to consider not attending themselves. That suggests they know your sister has treated you poorly. So why the sudden pressure on you now?
Nothing in your post suggests you’re the one giving up. It sounds more like your family is trying to gloss over your sister’s behavior and expecting you to just go along with it.
Fuck your parents. They are part of the problem, they made you Kats doormat.
Tell them to shut up and sit down. And tell the problem child to fix her attitude not you.
NTA
NTA and tbh I think your family let you down BIG. Your sister misstreated you ALL your life for no good reason and they keep treating her like a part of the family.
If someone (related or not) did that to someone I love, I would cut them off or keep contact to a minimum.
I understand its a hard position to be in, but allowing her in the family while she activily misstreats you its saying with to her they are ok with it. They can say all they want that they “disapprove” of it, but actions speak louder than words.
NTA
She doesn’t actually want you there and would likely throw away anything you bought the baby. Why waste money or energy? She has been consistent or decades that she is angry about your existence and that won’t change.
NTA. Sorry that you have this horrible person as your sister. Your parents didn’t do enough to fix this when you were kids probably because they were overwhelmed with all of the kids that they had. Your sister still despises you. Why TF would you want to be around her or her spawn? You don’t need to beg an AH like her to be in your life. It doesn’t matter that she’s becoming a mom. She’s still a crazy B.
Tell mom and dad that you love them and appreciate that they’re in a tough place stuck in the middle of the bad relationship you amd Kat have. But they’re overly optimistic that Kat is suddenly going to change. Remind them that youve been trying to have a good relationship with her for 23 years but she still can’t stand that you exist. Enough is enough. Stay NC with Kat. Dont let her force you out of family holidays though. You can still show up for those and just ignore her.
NTA
>My parents think I should try before I give up. They say she’s about to grow now that she’s becoming a mom.
Why is it all on you? You’re not the problem. You’ve never been the problem. The problem is all Kat, and if she wants to fix it, it’s up to her to reach out. If she never does, oh well you’re not out a thing. NTA.
NTA. You were simply bullied by your sister. I wouldn’t want a relationship with a bully. Ever. She had no good excuse for what she did or a reason to hate you. Tho, no matter what — there is never a good reason for a behavior as bad as hers. But what I mean, she never had a reason other than she didn’t want a sister. You did nothing to deserve that treatment.
I think she has some sort of main character syndrome. Like being the only girl between the boys and get all the attention. I believe she felt threatened by you. Which is really messed up and something should have been done. I don’t think they made too much effort. But anyway, she never had to like you or be close to you. But civil and polite. The basic minimum every human deserves, when they do the same. You didn’t go out of your way and treated her same. You accepted, that she doesn’t want you.
It’s sad, but that means now, that she can never count on you. Which she is fine with as it seems. It’s your parents that keep on hoping and now realize it will not turn out like they wished. It’s your right to protect your peace. You don’t have to accept disrespect or cold shoulders from her.
I really hope she never needs your help or realizes that she fucked up. Or I hope she does. Because that would be perfect karma when you refuse to do anything for her. As you only have brothers. No sister.
Updateme, if there is anything to update.
Here hoping your sister doesnt have a girl, she seams tge jinda person who would compete with here own daughter,
NTA!! You are not obligated to “repair” anything you didn’t break to begin with. That’s on Kat and eventually she’ll realize how of ah she was being to you. Let’s just hope it’s sooner rather than later and it’s not because she “needs something”
Tell your parents that you will try when she tries first. It’s her attitude. It’s her actions. Your parents are putting the responsibility on you but it’s not. They failed you. And she’s not a good person.
If anything. Go and tell them all what your experienced so that way the people in her kids life can look out for favoritism.
Good grief, how long will your parents keep pressuring you to create a relationship with a hateful bitch of a sister?
NTA. Your sister has made it clear where you stand with her, and you have no reason to pretend there’s any hope of that ever changing.
As for your parents hoping that parenthood will help her grow as a person, I wouldn’t bet on it. If that were true, there wouldn’t be so many lousy parents in the world.
NTA don’t put yourself in the position where you grow to love her child and then she uses the child as a weapon to hurt you. Don’t welcome toxic people into your life. Keep your distance and your peace.
It’s not on you to improve the relationship, it’s on your sister to do. Maybe she will choose to do so.
I bet once she needs a babysitter, she will come around.
Updateme!
NTA. Why is it always put upon the wronged party to extend the olive branch and repair the relationship? Why do people even expect that the wronged party would ever want to be in their bullies life again? If they want to have a relationship with her then good for them, OP can do whatever feels right to her. Updateme
I would walk pass her like I don’t even know her! And if she say we are sisters I would I say we dont have the same parents! She is definitely looking for a free babysitter
NTA updateme
I have a sister like yours except she sees me as an escape from her parenting my nephew is now one and he says my name clearly but he would never call her name or call for her. You aren’t wrong I wouldn’t go either.
If a third party extends an invite it’s not an invitation, if it didn’t come directly from the host it’s not an invitation. Tell your parents you are done trying and they should drop it children won’t change her over night
NTA. Your parents can’t accept the reality that your sister sucks and they’re gonna live in delusion but it doesn’t mean you have to entertain them. No means no.
NTA. Plan for here on out: always polite and pleasant—-be the impeccable one. Warm and likable to all. But distant to her.
“Thank you, Cousin, for thinking of me! What a kind and generous invitation! I would love to come but as you know, it’s Kat’s day, and the last thing I’d want to do is spoil it for her by being there. You know she’s always disliked me, and that’s nothing I can change. It’s just something we all have to accept, I guess. Still, I appreciate your kindness so much! And I hope we can get together another time, for lunch or something.”
Others will like you better. She’s about to get some lessons, too!
And you. Must. never. Babysit!
NTA- your parents need to get a grip on reality. Your sister becoming a mom will NOT improve her attitude towards you. Just keep your distance and protect your peace.
Your sister is only trying to mend fences so she can call on you for free babysitting. Don’t fall for it. NTA
NTA – you know she’s going to bring that kid up to give you the cold shoulder? Why give her the satisfaction?
NTA You are perfectly within bounds to ignore Sister and her baby. She obviously has problems and she can work those put on her own time. I hope she doesn’t have a girl, sounds like she might get jealous of her own daughter.
NTA; why should you sacrifice your time and efforts on a woman who shunned you, your entire life? I understand your parents seeing this as her turning over a new leaf but that leaf has been in the compost heap for a while, there’s not much to turn over :/ they need to accept that it’s not your responsibility to try to fix what she broke
NTA. Your sister treated you and continues to treat you like dirt. It’s not the baby’s fault but how can you have a relationship with them when the mother behaves like that with you. You don’t need to do anything or make any effort. Your sister has issues and needs help. It’s not your problem.
Honestly, it’s your parents fault. She’s too old to be fixated on not wanting a sister. She’s immature. They should have kept her in therapy growing up.
What do they mean you should try before you give up?! Have you not been trying your whole life by just being around her, not being a complete brat or equally as bad to her in other ways?
What they mean is she never even tried but you should be the ‘bigger person’. I’m sorry but if someone treats you badly you’re not required to make excuses or exceptions for them. NTA
Nothing has changed on her end. You are allowed to keep only the relationships you want in your adult life.
Nta she’s on the acquaintance list of cards person- that is the person you send a Christmas/birthday/wedding/christening/baby birth and condolence card to just to be polite. You don’t ever see them but sending them a milestone card shuts everyone up and keeps them away
“ I’d love to be in the baby’s life, but I don’t know how I can do that without being my sister’s life and clearly she doesn’t want me in her life”
> I wasn’t invited to her wedding
This for me is the deciding factor. Be the grown up in the room. Continue nc with your “sister “.
NTA.
If your niece/nephew tries to reach out to you at some point though, have a good think about it when the time comes.
No, knowing the history, I would personally wash my hands of her…. Your sister is awful. NTA
She’s looking for a sitter and you’re it. I personally would be a part of the kids’ lives but never be a sitter. I’d ignore your sister as well. She’s been a fool all these years and now is paying for it. Tell her that since she didn’t want a sister, she also didn’t want her kids to have an aunt but be one. Shalom you’re loved 💔
Nah. Your sister seems like a terrible person. Why would you want that in your life? Keep your distance.
NTA. Why should you try when the mentally disturbed Kat has made it a point to exclude you in every way? Keep doing you and ignore her. If owes many apologies, and she should be showing the effort, not you.